Without a doubt, moms are liars.
Tellers of the white lies and false statements. Creators of fiction and fairy-tale weavers.
We bluff, we exaggerate, we minimize, and we fabricate.
Some of it’s about creating magic and wonder, but mostly it’s about survival and our evil, selfish desire to keep entertained in the face of non-stop madness. How’s that you might say? Well, I’ll break it on down for you with some prime examples of some of the oldest tricks in the book as far as motherhood is concerned. I know why I lie. I lie to amuse myself and it works. Sometimes.
In the interest of keeping things light-hearted and respectable — I’m opting to leave themes of faith and religion out of the picture here.
Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire
1. McDonalds food will make you sick like that last time you had the stomach flu. That was the worst, right? (Damn you double arches.)
2. Oh sweetie, that’s a wonderful idea! (Could be about anything involving mess and extra effort when all we want to do is chill out.)
3. Cartoons are only on Saturdays and Sundays — and NO you can’t watch Sponge Bob because he’s in a time-out for being saucy.
4. The indoor playground isn’t open in the spring and summer. Go outside.
5. Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy are all real and they are ALL watching you. So behave.
6. We don’t have anymore (insert whatever snack they are asking for after not eating their dinner) of that and the store is closed.
7. Eat your broccoli/salad/whatever other green so they can join the party in your tummy or they will be so sad to not join their friends! (Then bust into song.) GAH. JUST EAT IT.
8. The ice cream truck is all out of ice cream, those kids just got the last of it.
9. We can’t get a puppy until pigs learn to fly. When you see that happening come talk to me.
10. Ask your Daddy (used anytime we want, especially when they ask really hard questions.)
11. Everyone poops, including unicorns like My Little Pony, who are in fact REAL — so please, just poop in the toilet, K? When you learn how to do that, that’s when you’ll get to see a real unicorn AND their glittery poop. They even fart rainbows! Coolest thing you’ll ever see.
12. You can’t go to the park right now because the slide is broken, so it’s closed until the city dudes can fix it.
13. You can’t say up with mommy and daddy because we have very important work to do and you need more rest or you’ll turn into a Zombie and tomorrow will suck. (Wait that’s true, sorta.)
14. You’ll get a cavity if you don’t brush your teeth. (The thought of getting a cavity, for some reason or another freaks the HELL out of my son and thus totally works. WIN.)
15. Eat/toss their Halloween/Easter candy and chocolate and tell them the tooth fairy took it because CAVITIES.
16. If you don’t have a bath tonight your turtle will be very sad and smelly. (Go ahead, ask me what a turtle is.)
17. Only moms and dads are allowed to go to that store/restaurant/party because little people are banned and mom and dad need some alone time or else we’ll explode into a trillion little pieces and there won’t even be any glitter involved.
18. Put on some clothes or else Spiderman/Tinkerbell isn’t coming to your birthday party.
19. I don’t know where that toy went. You must have left it at grandma’s.
20. If you don’t stop picking your nose and eating it, your finger is going to get stuck in there and I won’t be able to get it out. Not even Batman will be able to unstick it, and Batman never picks his nose (never mind eats it!!!) and I bet he’ll come and visit you when you learn to stop doing that.
21. “Yes there are sharks in the ocean but they don’t bite people. Ever.” (Submitted by Shayne Fox.)
22. “When our 16-month-old sees us eating potato chips, we give her an unsalted rice cracker and tell her they’re the same thing.” (Submitted by Helen Tremethick.)
23. If you keep making faces like that, your face will freeze that way.
24. “All the junk at kids’ eye level at the convenience store are dog treats.” (Submitted by Clio G.)
25. “I’m allergic to pets.” (Submitted by Clio G.)
26. I’ll never let anything bad happen to you. (WE WISH.)
I am sure all of you mamas out there have some of your own to contribute. So please do! Share your own big fat hairy lies in the comments and let us all rejoice in our scheming, questionably noble ways.
More Babbles From Selena…
- Motherhood Didn’t Measure Up To My Fantasies and That’s OK
- New Survey Shows That 40percent of Mothers Claim Alcohol Helps Them Parent
- Toy Stories: Children From Around The World Pose With Their Favourite Toys
- 5 Ways My Parenting Has Changed Over The Years
- The Affliction of Raising a Gifted Child