Are All Toddlers Psychopaths?Rhiana Maidenberg
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What's the difference between a toddler and a psychopath? Apparently, not too much.In 1980 Robert Hare, a professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia,developed a 16-point checklist for determining whether a person was technically a psychopath. After taking a look at this list, and taking a look at the daily behavior of my two toddler girls, I can only conclude one thing: a psychopath is just really a person who has never grown out of the toddler stage. While I don't live in fear of my kids going on a violent rampage (unless it involves not liking their dinner) the similarities between what makes someone a psychopath and what makes someone a toddler are striking. Don't believe me? Im willing to bet youll change your mind when you read the list below and my totally scientific evidence.
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1: Superficial charm & average intelligence
While I admit that toddlers do display some charm, let's be honest, it has its limits (especially when its being used to wake you up). As for intelligence, most toddlers I know can't count to ten without repeating the number "eight" three or four times.
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2: Lack of psychosis
I've checked, and no psychologist will diagnose either of my children with a severe mental disorder, no matter how hard I insist.
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3: Lack of anxiety
Okay, maybe some toddlers actually have anxiety, but when the bribe of a Sleeping Beauty gownconvinced my then three-year-old daughter to sleep through the night, my sympathy for her "sleep anxiety fell a little.
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Will the little one get dressed without a colossal freak-out today? Will the four-year-old head to preschool without a tantrum? We never know
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5: Dishonesty & insincerity
Both of my children lie completely void of any regret or responsibility. "Did you finish your veggies?" and they nod their heads while hiding the carrot sticks under the table.
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6: Lack of remorse and guilt
About anything, really. Hitting you, hitting each other, hitting their own little heads on the ground (weve seen this).
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7: Inadequately motivated antisocial behavior (meaning they commit crimes for no apparent reason)
During the throes of toddlerhood, both of my children have run to me with brilliant smiles on their faces, and then bit my legs. I don't know if it gets more antisocial than that.
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8: Poor judgment and inability to learn from experience
No matter how many times I have told the toddler that she cannot fit into the newborn size t-shirt I have demoted to the babydoll dress-up box, she still insists on forcing it over her large head then throwing a demonic fit when it gets stuck between her forehead and nose.
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9: Narcissism and an inability to love
Okay, fine, the love thing might be covered, but both of my tots firmly believe that my life stops while they are at preschool.
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10: Poverty of affect
Does your toddler have a job?
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11: Gross lack of insight
Why is dog barking? Why is cold? Why is sky? (I could go on)
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12: Unresponsiveness in general interpersonal relations
"Good morning, honey!"
"WAHHHHH!!!! I don't like you! Go away!"
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13: Fantastic & uninviting behavior with drink & sometimes without
Even without a drink, toddlers will start throwing tantrums and causing mayhem.
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14: Empty suicidal threats
Okay, suicidal might be a bit heavy. That said, once my first became a threenager she began insinuating that she will run away and live with Grandma Sharon if she has to wash her hair.
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15: Immature sex life
Thank god for this one!
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16: Failure to plan ahead
Do you know a toddler that thinks beyond THIS SECOND? Wait, correction: Do you know a toddler who thinks beyond THIS SECOND when it doesn't involve getting a cookie in the next second?
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