Non-Breeder: A preschool teacher explains why her job convinced her to never have kids. Babble.com.
I love kids, but Id hate being a parent.
Here is the disclaimer: I like my job. Really.
I like kids. I like being around them. Our days are a routine of comfortable chaos: we sing the Hello song, we play, we paint, we run around, we eat, we sleep, we go home. Someone always gets hurt. Someone always winds up crying. Someone always needs a diaper change at an inopportune moment. Someone isn’t sitting quietly with eyes on me when I look through my Good Choice Binoculars to see who’s ready to go outside. But there’s comfort, too, in these mishaps – they’re expected. They’re the norm.
I put hair in pigtails. I play The Monkees constantly and The Wiggles in strict moderation. I perform puppet shows replete with voices and plot twists. I tickle. I chase. I plan projects that involve smearing shaving cream everywhere and playing with pumpkin entrails, and my thirteen two-year-olds love me for it. When my feet hit the woodchips of the playground Monday mornings, I’m mobbed – Beatles-mobbed, with pure adulation. And yet every paycheck, I sack away a little money in the tubal ligation fund.
I wasn’t always so sure about not wanting kids. I came into this line of work, ten years ago, properly baby crazed, albeit with reservations: a chemical imbalance I don’t care to pass on, a waistline I’m shallow enough to want to preserve, an aversion to committing to anything for eighteen years.
What changed my mind for good against procreating is the need that assails me all day long. My children have an absolute right to their legion, constant needs; what makes a child a child is their dependence on the adults around them. But at five o’clock each day, I’m able to walk away from the onslaught, and I’m relieved. I can’t imagine not getting to go home from children.
For eight hours each day, my body is not my own. My children crave touch. It’s the best way for them to interact with the world before their verbal skills are fully intact. I’m constantly clung to, hugged, climbed, and sat upon. I balance at least one child on my hip for the bulk of the day, sometimes one on each. I wrap my arms and legs around tantrum-ers to keep them from bashing their heads against the floor. I’m a human Kleenex, and I’ve been peed and vomited on more times than I care to remember.
Meeting the physical needs of my children is a manageable, if occasionally nauseating, challenge. And meeting their intellectual needs doesn’t faze me much. I design my own curriculum and I’m not concerned with whether my children can rattle off a list of vowels or count in Mandarin. Instead, I plan our days to be as fun as possible, on the theory that the best thing I can teach a toddler isn’t how to identify quadrilaterals, but how to enjoy the process of learning and exploration, to associate school with excitement and engagement.
Lauren, There is nothing bad about you. I’m a mother and feel the same way more often than I’d like to admit. NOBODY wants to do kid things all the time. Childless people usually have no idea how good they have it.
Lauren-Bravo. I love your piece, and very much share your perspective, having worked in the field for 20 years. If you want to revel in more hilarious stories of kids and contemporary parenting, check out my book “The Gay Uncle’s Guide to Parenting: Candid Counsel from the Depths of the Daycare Trenches” http://www.askgayuncle.comBrett
My son was once in a day-care situation where the teacher of his class also had her own child in the class. Can you imagine? Teaching a whole class of little kids all day that includes your own, and then taking her own home at night! She survived the year and is still a teacher but she looked awfully stressed most of the time!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with your choice. I have a son, but I understand why someone wouldn’t want their own kids. I never understood why people try to push others to do thing they don’t want to do. I am planning on only having 1 child, and I get a lot of criticism. (Strangely enough, not from my family, but from random people who ask me when I’m going to have another.)I have a theory. I am very happy with my own life, which is why I think I don’t criticize other people’s choices. I think the people who offer criticism are jealous, so they want you to be in their situation too. (You know, misery loves company.) People truly happy with their own lives are not running around trying to get other people to chance theirs.Also, I think the whole “they will take care of you when you are old” argument is awful. This is someone’s life here. All of our financial planning is so that we can take care of ourselves so our son won’t have to worry about us. Why would you expect them to take care of you when they are probably going to be taking care of their own children at that time, or doing other things to fulfill his own life. Like you said, it is really selfish to create a life so they can be your caretaker. I don’t see what you are doing to be selfish at all.
I once met a girl whose parents made her learn to become a professional nurse in case they gonna need medical care when they grow old. I think this is the most selfish thing to do. Children don’t owe to parents; parents get their reward from kids when they are babies (there are plenty delightful moments, not only stressful ones!!!). If you choose not to have this reward, it’s up to you
I respect your right to feel as you do and understand it. There have to be some people in the world who don’t want children. The world is a crowded place. At the same time, keep your options open. I don’t know how old you are, but you may not always feel the same way as you do now.
The thing is, you probably wouldn’t have thirteen of your own. At least not all at once.
I love it, and I love people like you, because although I have a toddler of my own (and a new baby on the way), I could never, ever spend my days with a gaggle of little people. So, you do your job and I’ll do mine and we’ll both be happy!
Oh I’m giving this article 5 stars just for the subtitle!! Will be back again after reading it…
You sound like a fabulous preschool teacher and if you do not want to have kids, good for you for knowing yourself so well.As someone who loves being a mommy, I can’t imagine not having kids, even if there are sacrifices. I can’t imagine being 50 or 60 and realizing that opportunity passed and there will be no chance of grandkids and that whatever I have accomplished in this life stops with me.That’s just me, though…it takes all kinds and it is good to know such an emotionally generous and fun person has chosen to teach preschool. Hopefully my children will have teachers like you in their lives.
There are 6 billion people on the planet; we are not going to miss one more. I had a friend that I thought would just be bomb as a mom, and bless her heart, I zingged her constantly and was downright mean to her, because she had chosen not to have kids. Shame on me. Stick to your guns and gloss over people like me. We have no idea what we are talking about.
I was a preschool teacher for a loooong time and a preschool Director for a few years and, because of this, waited a long time to have children. Everyone assumed “oh, she’s a preschool teacher she must want to have tons of babies!” Oh, so not the case. I had my first 18 months ago and am pregnant with number 2. I must say it is sooooooo different from the kids in your class. BEfore having my own children I would have said that I had an honest genuine affection for my students. At the time I may have even called it love. When I left the school I was a director at I cried because I would miss them. Then, I had my son and I realized how profoundly different it is when it is your own child. There were many days as as a teacher/director that I counted the minutes until I could leave. Now, with my own son, I often miss him while he is sleeping – crazy huh? That is not to say that I don’t tire of the constant demands or the thousand and one needs that he has from 5am to 7pm (and then I get to do laundry!) But it is totally reciprocal and everyday I feel like I got back more than I gave.
I felt similarly to the author in my job, working with kids, before I had one of my own. No way could I have continued to do my same job with kids while having little ones of my own! But I’m happy to report having my own child is far different than the work I did, and having a partner to share in the parenting, commiserate, experience the joy, and give me breaks makes it tons better too.
Trust me… you are not getting all the good stuff. That is reserved for middle of the night cuddles, saturday morning pancakes, and unexpected joys that occur in the minutes and hours spent with your child over a lifetime. Not with other people’s kids. I work with kids as a school psych and my time with my students does not compare to my time with my own daughter. I respect your decision but, please realize that it REALLY is different when they are yours!
we need great “aunties” in the world. Your calling is different not wrong! You sound like an amazing teacher!
I totally see the author’s point…but I would agree very strongly with the idea that it is TOTALLY DIFFERENT WHEN ITS YOUR OWN KID. Not only do you love them more, but you can be more real with them. You can tell them, mommy needs a break, you can yell…sometimes…if you say sorry. You can be another person. You’re in a family together, you’re not being paid. When you are paid help, you can’t really yell at the kid or demand your own space…its your job. MOst of the time I don’t want space from my kid, though…
Two things:1 – kids are hard. no matter what. and parents want space from their own kids too.2 – it’s totally different when it’s your own kid. trust me. when YOU are the parent, there is biological wiring that kicks in that counterbalances a lot of what makes child-rearing difficult emotionally.think about it. we would never have survived as a race if parents were not somehow inclined to care for their kids no matter how resource intensive it is.and btw – i yell all the time. yeah, it’s not ideal and i’m sure i’m teaching bad habits. but i don’t worry about it that much. because 90% of my interactions with my son are very loving and he knows that his parents love him more than anything else. the 10% of the time when i’m cranky and screaming… well, i just don’t really worry. that’s life.we’re all human.
Honestly, anyone thinks babies are difficult and toddlers are as *bad* as it gets, well, wait, there’s more: The tweens and teens and college years. And I am a mom and I adore children of all ages and have ended up raising several cousins/niece’s and other people children right along with my own. Ages ago, my grandmother told me, “Everyone wants babies, no one *wants* kids!” Bless her heart, my mama knew of what she spoke and she raised seven children successfully along with countless grandchildren too. I learned a lot from her and believe me, I have watched over the years as many pro-baby/family parents have cracked under the stress of middle-school and high school, many of their children ended up at our house! Sometimes, now that I’m at the *end* of hard-core parenting, (two sons completed prestigious schools and have well-paying careers and exciting lives), I tend to shake my head at all the professional moms and dads who really have barely gotten their feet wet with parenting, wait until your adorable sweet and loud babies become semi-adults. I adored my children and we were really really lucky, both our sons were excellent students, handsome, personable, likeable and it was still tough at times. And I get along with tweens and teens really well…so imagine what it’s like for a harried, busy person when the little ones hit puberty. That’s when the truly seriously hard-core parenting begins. Trust me. So, I admire anyone that knows themselve well enough to know they cannot or will not want to devote decades to the care of children, I’ve seen too many parents bail on their children when they need them most, often in the mose subtle and cruel ways. One who has been there!
I’ll chip in $10 for the fund if you’ll be my kid’s preschool teacher.
I understand that you need a break. I get mine going to work. After reading your article I felt sad because you sound like you’d be a fantastic mother but because you work with kids, your private life is your “break”. One of my clients makes cookies and now I have no desire to eat them. I hope that you have other reasons for not having a child because I’d hate for you to make such an important decision based on your job.
I don’t blame you for feeling that way….I feel the same pressure to be “present” in all senses of the word when we have friends of our kids here and had to be “on” at all times when sitting for others. Two years old is too young for preschool period. You are a novelty to them, a fun one. They’ll take attention in whatever way they can get it. lol. Who cares whether you decide to have them or not, but I do feel it would be a shame to base it on what you experience with a roomful of them. It isn’t like that at all at home – only if you let it be. Of course, there is always a risk of having a true high-needs baby – a bit of a gamble I suppose, i.e. colic. lol. I work at home, have to work around kids, the husband’s schedule, etc. It’s tiring in that sense, but it wasn’t that way before I tacked in that responsibility. The kids do know how to play alone, are content exploring, playing with each other, etc., all without constant interaction – not always convenient, but not all that you have to pack into your short day with over a dozen of them. You don’t always have to be “on” with your own. Have ‘em or don’t; it just sounds like you aren’t basing the reason why you may want tubal ligation on the reality.
I don’t have a problem with people who don’t want children. People should live their lives in a way that can make them happy. You seem like a wonderful teacher. If I had your job, I’d have to quit while having young children. It would be too much to take care of a classroom of toddlers and have one at home too.Sorry, but you’re not a mother. You are a teacher. And the joys of being a teacher are not always the same the joys as being a parent.. Ms. Hoffman, you don’t get ALL the good parts. You get some of them. Even many, when it comes to the little ones. It is wonderful to see a child’s face light up when they learn something new or do something funny. It is a unique thing to be able to soothe a pain. But parenting isn’t just about those moments and it is not just about taking care of infants and toddlers. One of the best parts of parenting can only be seen over the long haul. Being there forever. Being part of the the growth of a little one into an independent young person and then an adult. Your students are perpetually the same age. The children move on and perhaps remember you. But then (for most) you disappear from their lives and your new students take up your time. That is the life of a teacher.Children do grow up. Maybe they won’t take care of you. But they will (hopefully) be in your life forever. Parent and child have a life-long bond. That’s not always a one way burden.And it isn’t for everyone. But it’s not the same as being a preschool teacher either. My children will eventually learn to use the toilet, read for themselves, make their own food, do their own laundry and eventually move out on their own. But they will always be mine and I will always be theirs.You’re right, there isn’t much down time. But there is a joy in it being forever, no matter what.
Nice article. It’s a shame, though, because it sounds like you’d be an excellent parent. Ever thought of getting another day job?
While I was on the fence about having a chid for a long time, one thing I love about it is that it has made me lose a lot of my self-involvement and selfishness. It is indeed tough to be “on” all the time (and I am a single parent, so there is rarely someone elst around to take up the slack), but I think it has made me a better person. I don’t dwell on trite issues and how everything relates to ME. I am better able to not sweat the small stuff and pick my battles. So, I feel my decision was absolutely the right one. And, I only gained 15 lbs and still have the waistline!!smom
I worked in a pre-school and as a nanny for 4 years. It was great – everyone assumed that I would get baby fever working with the kids, but really, I felt the same as you. I loved being with them during the day, but it was great to go home at the end of the day to a glass of wine, a beer, and reading a whole novel at once, and not having to worry about feeding/cleaning/bedtime. It kinda makes me crazy that everyone assumes people who take care of kids must want their own, but I think that it takes a special kind of person to enjoy kids at their job and NOT have their own – you’re doing it because you like what you do, not because your class is your surrogate family. Good for you, and great job on an honest article.
I am a Pediatrician and feel the exact same way. I love children, too. Obviously. I have dedicated years of training to learning how to care for them and I can’t imagine a career path that I’d love more. But at the end of the day, I am more than happy to go to my quiet home with my cats. Or travel or go to a concert. And I don’t have to worry about tuition or babysitters. It can be difficult in this world to look people in the eye and admit that having children isn’t something you want or need. And I love and adore the children of my close friends and my nephews. And I certainly understand why other people might want to have children. But I don’t need my own.
I think you are experiencing an arrested development: your own. It’s impossible to translate working with two year olds for years on end to the experience of raising a child. More than half of the reward, and the joy, is the process of change. It happens at such a tremendous pace. The tiny thing that could only cry two years ago is now a giantess, fingerpainting and pulling hair. And from that vantage point, the terrible two’s, with all their neediness and emotional turmoil, are fleeting. From the parent’s point of view, this child that’s clinging to your leg is getting ready to drive the car or go away to college. You think they are clinging to you, but once they turn 18, you will be clinging to them; you love them that much.I think you’re choosing to miss out on that process for the wrong reasons. I agree that not everyone should or needs to raise a child, but I suspect that you are tired because you are doing the hard part, over and over again. It’s like being assigned the onion-chopping part of making dinner and therefore deciding never to cook. Sure there are parts that are harder, and lots of parts that are easier. But the sum is greater than the parts. The sum is almost independent of the parts. You can equally treasure raising the child that clings and raises a ruckus every day for 17 years as you can the little angel who’s in perfect symbiosis with you. The process of sheparding a single human being into adulthood and independence is not equivalent to the experience of teaching preschool.
First of all, 2 year olds for 8 hours a day is not *preschool*, it’s full time daycare.Secondly, it’s good to know your own limits. Since it’s clear that you don’t really *get* what it means to be a mother, I think it’s probably for the best that you don’t go there. Loving your own child is never *throwing love in to a void*. The kids you take care of ay daycare have their own parents to love.
I completely understand you and I must say the parents of kids in your class are very lucky! Everyone would feel like they need a break after such intense kids-filled days! I have a huge amount of respect and admiration for the teachers at my son’s daycare, because honestly I don’t know how they do it with 7 toddlers, and yet they pull it off superbly, every day.I was the same as you I guess, I always liked kids but until I turned 30 I never really wanted one of my own. I love my son to death and he’s the best thing that ever happened to me, but then I also have my “break” at work and I really don’t think I’ll have another one (I’m SO with you, gpgirl!) People who don’t want kids or want only one are often scorned and criticized and judged, and I think on the contrary they should be respected for knowing what they want and understanding their limits.I do agree with the commenters though because I also think it’s too bad, since you probably would make an awesome parent.
You sound like a wonderful teacher and I don’t have much to add that hasn’t already been said…- it’s different with your own kids – you love them more- two is a hard age- part of the fun and fascination is watching them grow
When my son was 1-2 y/o, I worked full-time in a daycare classroom of 3 y/os.It was so nice to go home and see him. Not at all like an unpaid continuation of my very long day.I am still sometimes wistful for my carefree, single days but would never want to go back.But if you don’t want kids, don’t have them. Who cares if you’d make a wonderful mom if you don’t want to do it? I’ve been told I make kick-ass baked goods, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to be stuck in a sweltering kitchen in July, getting fatter every day from sampling the sweets. Yes, I like to bake, no, I don’t want to do it 24/7. That would just take the fun out of it.
I don’t think that there is a single negative comment above, which is somewhat surprising to me. Isn’t there something inherently selfish in the author’s point of view, though, which is so common today? At least the author admits this. However, I’m surprised that no one else has reacted to this. I thought that children were supposed to be a reward in and of themselves, and that they are in our lives in part to teach us the virute of self-sacrifice. I know that having my two children has made me a less selfish person (though I still can’t say that I’m unselfish!); it has also strengthened my faith and my relationship with my husband. I mean, sure, there are times when I just want to scream from sheer frustration, or when I can’t help but wonder what life might’ve been like if we’d waited or not had kids at all. I understand wanting to travel easily, or spend more of one’s income on one’s self, or any of the other reasons for delaying kids. But at the end of the day (or the end of one’s life) it seems like there exists a basic and deep emptiness due to the fact that the childless-by-choice person has never undertaken one of life’s most basic tasks and sacrifices.
In this day and age raising children is nothing like it was in our parents generation. I applaud the author of the above piece for knowing her mind and understanding her limitations. I have two kids and parenting is the hardest job ever…the worry alone is enough to kill me at times! I think every person has a role to play in life and it does NOT have to be a parent at all costs! If your contribution is to be a great preschool teacher then why should that not be enough? Why the necessity to follow it up with kids of your own? There is not enough money in teh world that would make it worth my while to be a preschool teacher….it would drive me nuts but I think its one of the most important jobs a person could do. Just as important as raising a family! And as a PP said in this planet of 6 billion people I do think there needs to be some thought behind having kids at all costs.
I was forbidden to take a “real” job while attending school so I babysat. I loved the kids I babysat regularly and became very close to them. I also became heartily sick of it and swore I would never have my own. But at 37 my dad died and I got babyee rabees and ended up adopting at 40 and 42. I teach college kids and now come home to two incredible, funny, sweet, well behaved 8 and 10 year olds who are very independent. I wouldn’t take any irrevocable steps at your age, but that’s just me.Lorriehttp://cluelessincarolina.blogspot.com
Oh, honey, I am so with you. I have been a preschool teacher and professional nanny for some years now. I absolutely adore my kids, but the reason I have the energy to shower them with attention and activity throughout the day is because I can give them back to their parents and go home every night. It was always great to have parents in the classroom who took a genuine interest in their child’s teachers, and who were sympathetic to how stressful and exhausting our job can be. It’s hard!
Thanks for this article. I referenced it in my blog post:
http://hobomama.blogspot.com/2009/04/argument-for-reproducing-is-it.html
asking is it really different when it’s your own kids? Yes and no.
I think you’re probably the only one who can make that decision for yourself. With all respect to ChiLaura, I don’t think having kids to force yourself to become sacrificial and selfless is doing anybody any good. What’s wrong with having kids because you want to — or not because you don’t want to? I’ll answer that — nothing at all.
I am also a non-breeder who works as a preschool teacher. Great article!!! Thank you for sharing your story.