Bad Parent: The Littlest Gamer
I turned my toddler into a videogame addict.
First, let’s get this out of the way: my husband and I are gamers. Not the kind who prefer their virtual lives to their real ones, nor the kind that dress up to go to conventions – but, still, a good amount of our entertainment comes in interactive form. I work as a Game Designer (the videogame’s equivalent of a scriptwriter), and, before we met, my husband worked as a marketing manager for a large videogame company. Ten years ago, he romanced me by showing up with a Sega Dreamcast (the newest gaming console on the market at the time) and a bottle of wine. Since that day, we’ve spent many a weekend cozying up on the couch with controllers in our hands.
When our first child was born, we both took some time off to stay at home. For the first few weeks, our infant daughter napped peacefully in the living room crib while the television blasted out the sound of online car races and accidents as her sleep-deprived parents played Burnout 3. As a going-away present from my colleagues, I got a Nintendo DS (handheld gaming platform), which soon became my daughter’s favorite toy, the tactile screen providing a perfect playground for her stylus-thin fingers.
On her second birthday, she switched from handheld to console gaming, watching us play kid-friendly games on the Nintendo Wii. To our concerned friends, I joked that I would always be able to limit my children’s gaming time with the final argument that “It’s Mommy’s turn with the Playstation!”
I added that, as a gamer, I would be more qualified than most parents to supervise my kid’s choices. With my knowledge of the medium, I would be able to guide my daughter down the virtuous path of interactive entertainment without falling into the quicksand of car stealing and zombie killing. I’d be both the most responsible parent in the world, and the coolest mom on the block!
I also thought proficiencies my daughter was acquiring at such a tender age would be a great foundation for her teen years: while other girls become bored wall-flowers whenever their boyfriends organize a LAN party, my daughter would be able to “frag” with the best of them. I wasn’t giving her a bad habit. I was preparing her for a technology-driven world!
When she also started playing by herself, we’d let her play half an hour of videogames per day. We’d let her choose between television and games, but the former seldom won out.
When I became pregnant with our second child, my energy level dwindled, and I found myself giving in more often to her videogame demands. After an hour spent dressing and undressing Polly Pocket dolls, I was more than up for catching a few stars in Super Mario Galaxy.
Our daily half-hour soon bloomed into a full one. And as the months passed and my belly swelled, my will faltered some more and that single hour multiplied. My balloon-like feet high on a pile of cushions, we spent hours running around in virtual worlds, kissing weird Japanese characters or gathering honey for Winnie the Pooh.
Then came Lego Indiana Jones.
That one we played as a family: my husband controlled the main character and our daughter and I shared “Player 2″ duties. At that point, she was approaching her third birthday and becoming quite good at pushing buttons. I moved the character around with the joystick while she pressed the “jump” button. As the levels progressed, she got the hang of the “use” button, which inevitably became the “fight” button. “Cartoon violence,” said the packaging, to describe Lego men dissolving into smaller Lego pieces whenever they got hurt.
“Who are we fighting?” my daughter asked one day as she repeatedly pressed the “A” button. I launched into a “Good versus Evil” explanation that would have made George Lucas proud. She nodded gravely, and then dropped the bomb on my mothering pride: “Mommy,” she pleaded, “I want more bad guys to beat up!” She wasn’t yet three, and had just tasted the joy of virtual attacks. What had I done?
In my defense, I’d mostly turned to video games for a sense of security. Since my daughter’s birth, I had always been the kind of mom that sits on the floor to tell stories with stuffed toys, or run around at the park playing Hide and Seek. From a self-centered young adult, I had grown into a nursery-rhyme singing, Play-Doh molding, selfless mother, always going the extra mile to make my little one happy. I spent my days finding happiness through her eyes. Like a play slave, I invented games until my mind grew blank, and forced enthusiasm for occupations that sometimes bored me to tears.
I could have kept on going. The problem was that, soon, my duties would double . . . and that scared me to no end. I already felt at the limit of what I could give. Would I keep on going on sheer will, gradually transforming into the motherhood version of a Stepford Wife: perfect in appearances, yet internally screaming every time I saw a plastic doctor kit?
After two years of adapting playtime to my daughter’s preferences, pregnancy made me start having her adapt to mine. Some parents take their kids to see art house movies like Harold and Maude, others take theirs to bars. I had taught mine to play videogames.
I proposed a quest to find a save point before dinner. Back on the couch, my husband answered my daughter’s plea with a roaring “I’m a bad guy!” and they were now fake-wrestling, tickling, and giggling away toward a bad case of hiccups. I could have put an end to the whole thing right there and go back to supposedly “wholesome” games that encourage imagination and physical activity. But did I really want to? I finally let go of the perfect mother I had planned to be, picked up the controller, and proposed a quest to find a save point before dinner.
There would be time later for a return of the “half-hour” rule and for games labeled “early childhood.” Right now, there were Lego Nazis to be dealt with, and the fact that we all could enjoy it naturally and effortlessly felt like salvation.
As we resumed our button mashing, I looked at the blinking light on my controller. It stated that I was the second player out of a possibility of four. Four? I stroked my bulging belly, all fears gone for the first time in months. Our second child could come: there was place in my heart, in my life . . . and on my X-box.
Fabulous! My husband & I are both gamers (video, online, & tabletop RPG). As I type, my baby dragon shares the keyboard. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sharing games. Sometimes we all need a bit of an escape & this is a relatively benign one. My husband recently got me addicted to World of Warcrack (I mean Warcraft). Sweet T likes to “help” me quest by pushing the space bar (makes the character jump!). We just try to balance the virtual play with real walks and park time. Honestly, if you enjoy it and they do too….
Oh by the way, we do get dressed up at gaming conventions ;-p
I think you have the most awesome job ever.
My husband and I are also gamers, but divided over how much time we should allow our kid to spend playing (if any.) I suspect that keeping her away from the games will be a losing battle — she’s already drawn to our computers like a moth to light. It’s probably genetic, right?
Finally! An actual bad parent for the Bad Parent column!
That’s a bit tongue in cheek, but jeebus, lady, turn off the freaking TV.
Oh, JessicaMama. None of these writers is a Bad Parent. They’re good parents, with the occasional foible. This writer is involved. Thoughtful. Loving and self-critical. Her little gamer will be fine.Babble editors must enjoy themselves immensely when commissioning these columns and warning writers about the deluge of nonsense – sparked with the occasional supportive or insightful comment – they’ll receive in return. (“The Horror! Games/Televisions/Binkies/Separate Cribs/Early Weaning/Epidurals! Let Me Demonstrate What a Superior Parent I Am in Comparison to You!”)And I imagine the writers enjoy the experience too. Probably better than the negligible check they receive as payment.Keep these coming, Babble. We do love a gladiator match.
Forgive me if I don’t see how this is a bad parent, JessicaMama… In fact, I think video games are a better time-waster for a child than a television – with video games, you are at least participating in an interactive experience, and enhancing hand-eye coordination and reaction time while you’re at it. The writer is coming to terms with the fact that she is unable to be the perfect parent we all aspire to me. We are all just human, doing the best we can, and yes, that means occasionally letting our children do things we never planned on letting them do so that we can have a break, and those breaks are what allows us to be better and more present when we are interacting with our children.
Thanks for the frank and revealing discussion on the somewhat addicting pastime: gaming. I had ideas of being the perfect dad by keeping my sons away from computer games. They do have their place though… kids need to blow off some excess energy and I think gaming with some limitations is a great way to do it.
Thanks again for giving me an example of how we as parents can be included in this part of our kids lives as well and not merely dump them in front of the tv or computer. I’ll show this to my wife….father’s day is coming up..and I’ve never played with an X-box or Playstation. (so deprived..I know) At least its one more thing we can do as a family. Lego Batman, here we come!
I know the writer personnally…..and she’s all but a bad parent. There is absolutely nothing wrong in raising and teaching your kids knowingly with and about video games…It’s better than using videogames or tv as a babysitter, without supervision. I have a 4 year-old daughter who loves to play Little People games on the computer. In fact, she’s better than her grandmother is with the mouse! The reality of it is that I’ve given birth to a child who will live in an era where technology rules! I might as well raise her in it, but I’ll make sure I do it right. She now plays Xbox with my boyfriend…believe it or not, she enjoys golf even if I have to help her! We spend quality time this way after hours of reading books, colouring, playing with legos and couting lamp posts on the street as we drive by. All mind-developping activities…which beats dumping my kid in front of the tv for hours on end, watching her eyes glaze over from the sheer numbingness of it all! And who can say that a tickle-fight started over a lost (by my boyfriend) game of golf is not interacting with your child????
Bravo Annie, for this beautiful and insightful article. It makes the rest of us feel like better parents!
I hate it when friends pop up to defend the author. If you don’t want your parenting judged, don’t write about your personal life. Don’t blog about your life and only your friends will talk about you. It’s probably best to start with not writing for the the BAD PARENT COLUMN.
Obviously some readers will agree with the title. Good parenting doesn’t need defending. Either in the bad parent column or by commenting friends.
Beeker, don’t get your knickers in a twist. This is a DISCUSSION about the topic which means that pro AND anti comments are welcome and necessary. And it’s not just because I know the author that I posted a comment. Not knowing the author, I would’ve posted the same comment without the first few sentences. Either you agree with the author…or you disagree and that, my friend, is the basis for a good discussion! Let’s not turn this page into a bashing of the commentators! And you are right…good parenting doesn’t need defending.
I love how everyone got on my case about how she’s not a bad parent – when I specifically said my comments were tongue-in-cheek. You people are looking to pick a fight, aren’t you? But I stand by my statement – that’s too much tv for any person, little or big. Christ. Launch into some fake defense if you want about how video games are good for the intellect or the soul or what have you – it’s still a huge shortcut. I’d love to make my kid watch documentaries and read all the major papers every day, so I could have more of my own needs and wishes fulfilled, but hey! I don’t. Because she’s two. And so should you, Bad Parent. Quit making excuses and show your kid how to play with age appropriate toys, at the very least.
We’re moderate gamers as well. Our son’s godfather gave us a Wii when we were pregnant as a new parents gift — best thing ever since I found many a Super Mario Galaxy star while my newborn slept at my breast. And DH thinks he had the best Father’s Day because we put the little one to bed and proceeded to crack open “Pirates” to play cooperatively over ice cream sundaes. I understand the avoidance of TV till two (we do) but I’m tired of hearing “video games = bad” as if they’re all as violent as GTA. Is anyone doing any studies about how non-violent video games affect small kids, in the 2-5 range for instance? Sometimes another toy in the tool chest would be appreciated when we’ve already read ever book three times, piled and put away the blocks and still have a little while to kill before dinner and a bath.
Obviously moderation and mixing it up is everything, but there are many terrific education-oriented games coming online that I love playing with my 3 year old. I know what curriculum goes into them because (full disclosure) PBS, Nick Jr and other companies hire me to produce these online games for 3-6 year olds. The curriculum work is extremely rigorous, and orgs like PBS are investing a lot of money into research, kid testing and developing this game content for this age group to serve as strong learning aides. see pbskidsplay.org, its amazing.My 3 year old is kicking butt in his report cards in toddler school, and he’s incredibly inquisitive, loves learning, books, toys, play and all the normal kid stuff. I don’t attribute his intellectual progress solely to the 2 hours/week we play these online games, but it certainly isn’t hurting him, and we always (of course) play games together. (and PS iPhone kids apps are a godsend at the restaurant. )Its just a new medium, and the old guard will always be scared of new media.
I don’t really think the writer is a bad parent, and I see nothing wrong with gaming as a fun activity in moderation. But, it did catch my attention when she wrote, “our daily half-hour soon bloomed into a full one. And as the months
passed and my belly swelled, my will faltered some more and that single
hour multiplied.” Gaming can become quite addictive. My sister and I became addicted to video games and played them for hours a day and I’m sure it affected our grades and social life in high school and college. We both did reasonably well, but gaming was an unhealthy, rather common addiction that kept us from reaching our full academic and social potential. We both eventually kicked the habit, but wish we hadn’t gotten addicted to begin with. Just something for the parent to keep in mind.
Very interesting article and discussion. My husband and I are both fond of gaming in all forms-video, rpg, and plain old board games. We’ve discussed how and when we’ll introduce games to our now 4 month old daughter-and there’s no question that we will at some point. We’ve also made the decision to get rid of the tv and rent dvds of movies and tv shows instead. I think the influence of advertising (especially those directed toward children) has the potential to be way more damaging than carefully supervised video gaming. And I think video games have a lot of potential for good-especially when families play them together. Increased confidence, being more likely to act as opposed to being a passive observer, and of course the learning potential depending on how well you choose your games.
So I did a quick search to try and answer the question about effects of video gaming on children and this was the first (and most helpful) web page to pop up: http://www.mediafamily.org/facts/facts_effect.shtml
Then I did a search for the effects on toddlers:
http://www.babycenter.in/toddler/development/socialemotional/videogames/
(this one is less helpful-not clear what the sources are. If anyone has a better source, please post it!)
I think the main idea is that video games aren’t as horrible as people assume they are, as long as you’re smart, careful, and reasonable about how you let your kids play them. That said, the effect of even cartoon violence in big doses can be
pretty bad on developing brains-more aggressive behavior, less empathy
for victims (both of which her toddler seems to exhibit to a small
degree). It sounds like the author, although she may be slacking off while pregnant (and who blames her-it’s exhausting without the care of a toddler thrown in), she’s aware of it and will eventually crack down again.
I’m disappointed in this article. One, it implies that a child either needs you to entertain them 24/7 or to give them video games (or tv). Children are capable of entertaining themselves, technology has been around for a very short period of time in comparison to children… Two, nowhere did she discuss the actual effects this would have on her child; the social (aside from the boy comment), physical, and psychological effects.
The main one for me, the one that’s kind of a “duh” concept but one rarely thought of by most parents is this: if a child requires things like video games to keep them interested, even if the game is teaching them something, how do you expect them to be “entertained” enough by their teachers in a classroom? Teachers don’t light up and blare sirens when they get an answer right. They don’t constantly change size or sing and dance (only occasionally). They don’t have big heads with big wet eyes that shoot stars out of them. See where I’m going with this? You’re setting your child up for the sincere chance of attention problems in school.
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