I am not sure whether I am happy or heart broken.
She was only nursing in the middle of the night when she would wake up, and I would, of course bring her into my bed and nurse her back to sleep then deposit her back into her own bed. But she has started sleeping through the night, and nursing is starting to become a thing of the past.
I guess I should be happy for a number of reasons. The fact that we were able to nurse until she was almost 16 months old. The fact that she is sleeping through the night now. All of those things parents want. Things that I begged for since she was born.
But, now that they are here … I am not sure if I want them anymore. I am totally entitled to change my mind, too!
Yesterday I cleaned Addison’s room and packed away all the clothes she doesn’t fit into anymore and the toys and accessories that we can’t use to give away to a friend who has an almost five-month-old baby. But the entire time I cried.
She is my last baby. She isn’t a baby anymore. She is only getting bigger and I just want her to stay the same size for the rest of her life. Maybe not the rest of her life, but longer than she is going to stay a pint size non-verbal toddler who can’t talk back and sass me or rarely gets into stuff.
I don’t know if my mind is longing for her eternal toddlerhood (which would be a complete lack of sanity), or if it is my biological clock telling me she isn’t done even though we have decided we are.
I don’t know …
All I do know is this entire new phase in life is screwing me all up!
Moms, how did you feel when you let go of the breastfeeding relationship with your children?
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