Forget Snakes On A Plane, Toddlers On A Plane Is A Far Worse FateNaomi Odes
I’m here to report on my cross-country flight with two toddlers. You remember, the one I took alone?
Yeah. You know how you think something will be really bad, and then it turns out not to be so bad?
This was not one of those times.
Let me preface this with the fact that I’ve flown with one kid (with and without the husband) approximately thirty to forty times. I’ve flown with two kids and a husband at least four times. I’m an experienced traveler in general, and a relatively experienced traveler with kids. However, as I said above this was the first time with two kids and only one adult.
That would be me.
Where, oh where do I begin?
How about I just list stuff. Yeah, that’ll work.
Things that went wrong or sucked on my flight:
1. I forgot the cheese sticks, the one protein snack my kids will actually eat.
2. Fuzz started complaining the instant we got in our seats, verifying that age 12-24 months is actually a sucky age.
3. Fuzz began his bona fide screaming before take-off. I wasn’t that concerned because after take-off, I’d start nursing and he’d stop and/or fall asleep. This usually works like a charm. It did not work this time. No, it did not.
4. After take-off, Shnook began to ask “When are we gonna land?” approximately every 4.2 minutes, until the last 10 minutes of the flight when he finally fell asleep, even with the free T.V. and his own videos/snacks/toys/etc.
5. I forgot that Jet Blue didn’t have sandwiches, so I had to rely on all of our snacks plus the inadequate snack boxes they provided (when I provided our credit card). This still left my children sort of hungry which probably contributed to our problem. Shnook seemed okay with it, but not Fuzzball. Oh, not Fuzzball.
6. After over an hour of screaming, the flight attendant came to ask me if Fuzz was teething (because what the hell else could be wrong with my child?) and then she finally took him to the front of the plane. This was more for the relief of the passengers around me than for me, I suspect. Although, I did appreciate it. I saw the man sitting diagonally thank her. I was mortified, to say the least.
7. She brought him back after about six minutes of continuous screaming. Eventually, I was able to get him to sleep, on top of me. That’s right when Shnook declared he had to pee really badly..
8. Shnook refused to go pee with the flight attendant, even though we were only five rows away AND her name was also Naomi. I miraculously managed to shift Fuzz off of me and onto the seat. He stayed asleep!! Hooray!!
9. Right after we came back from the bathroom, Shnook decided he wanted to lie down and sleep but said that Fuzz was taking up the whole sleeping area. “There’s no where for me to cuddle!” He was right. I tried to shift him over so that Shnook could sleep behind him, but that woke him up (sound of internal primal scream. Mine, not his).
10. At this point I asked the three ladies behind me the time. We still had three hours left of the flight (Sound my blood pressure rising). “You’re doing great!” They cheered.
11. That’s when the marching up and down the aisle started happening, which was cute…to me, I guess. Some other people thought it was cute too, but I also got a lot of agitated looks when Fuzz stopped and grabbed a large man’s knee, or blocked the flight attendant from getting by with her trash bags.
12. After about an hour of that, which included Shnook following Fuzz around meowing like a cat and hopping like a rabbit, I began to wonder how much more of this I could take.
13. Then the turbulence started, which of course, means return to your seat, seat belts fastened. You can guess how that went.
14. Finally, we started our initial descent, and I whipped out round two of Organic Trader Joe’s lollipops. This was a surefire hit for Shnook, but Fuzz, after he rejected the boob, was more of a wild card (are you surprised?). Fuzz’s first lollipop had worked for about 45 seconds, until he stuck it to himself, and then it fell on the floor. The second one had about a ninety second life, which, I guess, is an improvement.
As we were waiting to exit, I got a lot of fake smiles, and a lot of pity smiles. Although I spent a good deal of the flight apologizing (and I’m not sure if giving away cookies and ear plugs would’ve made it better in the long run), I felt the need to make a joke as people were passing by us:
“It’s amazing I still love you after all that.” I kissed Fuzz’s head.
The man who was closest said, “They’ll never know how much you do for them.”
I have to add that although it was painfully annoying and difficult for those people who were around me during that flight, I hope they know that it was 1,000 times harder for me.
Oh, I almost forgot to mention…If you want to avoid an experience like I had. You might try looking at some of these tips.