I would see toddler classes offered by Addie’s gym and think “What a waste of money, one person in charge of five 3-year-olds? That’s just well coached cat-herding.” But of course Vivi became more and more adamant that it was her turn for gymnastics, and with the start of summer a toddler class just happened to coincide with one of Addie’s classes. “HERE’S OUR MONEY, GYM! GOOD LUCK!” we said. Tonight was Vivi’s first class and it was worth every penny to witness the hilarity as Vivi and three other tiny humans really honestly tried to listen to Coach Heather. Here’s a rundown of how the 45-minute class went down.
5:30 – “Okay girls! Line up behind me! Let’s go!” It was at this point that Vivi completely ignored the ‘line up’ part of the instructions and took off on a dead sprint into the gym hoping to make it to a trampoline before any of her classmates.
5:30:30 – Vivi is called back and told to line up against a wall for “sprints.”
5:31 – The girls are instructed that when Coach Heather says “GO!” they are to run to her, turn around, and run back to the wall. They are also instructed to stay in their lanes so they don’t bump into, or trip over, each other.
5:32 – No one starts running, just walking. One girl just sits down. Nobody stays in their lane and Vivi taps the coach to tell her her leotard is itchy.
5:33 – Vivi waves at us.
5:35 – The coach attempts to teach the girls how to bear crawl, which means the coach takes off crawling with her rear in the air and hands on the ground while four little girls twirl and pick their noses back where she left them.
5:38 – Vivi waves at us.
5:40 – Windmills to warm up their little arms. Vivi doesn’t really understand the concept of windmills so she just does a sort of interpretive snake charmer dance with her arms, which is surprisingly graceful for someone who trips over her own feet daily.
5:41 – Vivi waves at us.
5:42 – Hopping on one foot. Cody and I realize we’ve never really established this skill in Vivi, given her complete lack of one-foot hopping skills. Were we supposed to? Is it on the checklist of things like “learn to eat with a spoon” and “cover your mouth while coughing?” Maybe it should be? We both feel like total failures for half a second until Vivi interprets hopping on one foot to mean the hot potato dance.
5:45 – We notice Addie doing crazy core exercises and sit-ups at the back of the gym and realize just how far she’s come and how much bigger she is than Vivi. *tear*
5:46 – Vivi waves at us.
5:47 – The four little girls are led to a toddler circuit of exercises. Vivi is asked to hang on a bar, then swing forward to touch her toes to the wall. It’s clear Vivi only heard “Hang on the bar” as she remains there motionless for an uncomfortable amount of time as the coach tries to get her to move on to the next exercise.
5:49 – Vivi runs over to us just to say hi.
5:55 – With the circuit “training” over, the girls are moved through an obstacle course that involves climbing a ladder that leads to a balance beam several feet off the floor. Chaos ensues as all four little girls try to climb the ladder simultaneously.
5:56 – Vivi waves at us.
5:58 – Vivi gets very annoyed with her coach as she tries to help her across the balance beam. She actually stops several times to physically remove the coach’s hands from her waist.
6:01 – Vivi waves at us.
6:03 – Vivi waves at us, again.
6:05 – Vivi is told to get in line before she has completed her last circuit. She gives her coach a “Oh hell no you’re not trying to stop me in the middle of my workout” look and bounces three times across a trampoline before falling back in line.
6:06 – It is very clear that “line” is a relative term amongst 3-year-olds.
5:33 – Vivi waves at us.
6:08 – Everyone is asked to put one finger on the wall and stay in line as they walk to another part of the gym. No one puts their finger on the wall, but everyone puts their finger up their nose or on everything else but the wall.
6:09 – Vivi waves at us.
6:10 – Everyone takes a turn jumping down a long trampoline known as the tumble track. The are supposed to jump with both feet and keep their arms straight above their heads. I know this not because the girls actually did it, but because the coach was frantically showing them what they were supposed to be doing while running back and forth alongside the trampoline. Bless her heart.
6:15 – Class is over! Everyone lines up to get stamps for a job well done.
6:16 – Vivi heads back out onto the floor to do more gymnastics because clearly she wasn’t done yet.
6:16:30 – Vivi gets told class is over and she has to leave. She is not pleased.
See you next Monday Coach!