Is There Tension Between Parents and Non-Parents?
Recently I found myself in a rather awkward conversation with two women concerning their decisions not to have children.
I know what you’re thinking: it was uncomfortable because we were approaching the discussion from opposite ends of the parenting spectrum.
I stood at one end, having dealt with infertility and wanting children desperately.
The others stood in the distance, never having felt baby fever or cried over yet another negative home pregnancy test.
Not so.
It was awkward because it was all so polite. So guarded. So careful not to step on toes, to offend.
There has never been a time in my life when I could conceive of happiness without children. Yet because of the invisible elephant in the room, I was able to pinpoint a specific source of social friction: the tension in the space between the parent and the intentionally childless. (I want to be clear that I’m not simply talking about the childless. I know far more people who would love to be parents, but for various reasons- primarily infertility and lifestyle issues- are not, than I do those who’ve decided not to have kids. This discussion centers on the latter group.)
When it comes to the open discussion of the intimate, the intersection of family and sex, judgement abounds. The decision to have or not to have children as the case may be, is not excluded.
While the current debate is over who’s happier- the parents or their child-free peers- the tension between them is nothing new.
I saw it in the workplace at a former job. A young mother was a target of open office criticism for using sick time when her child was ill, and for cutting corners on her day to attend to her child’s needs. Not yet a mother myself, I admit to being party to eye-rolls and snide whispers when I was left to pick up slack. It was even suggested- not openly, but behind closed doors, that she wasn’t being honest about her reasons for leaving work. In other words: that she was using her child as an excuse to play hooky.
What I didn’t know then was that as a mother, she and I were allotted the same amount of sick days, yet she had to divide hers by two.
What I didn’t know then was that as a mother, daycare called her to retrieve a feverish child before they called her husband. (After all, he was the primary wage-earner and that was their arrangement.)
What I didn’t know then was that as a mother, even calling her husband at work with a parenting dilemma- like the time my kindergartener had bleach sprayed in his eyes at school- would elicit criticism from his coworkers. Couldn’t she just handle it?
After almost a decade of parenting, though, there’s a lot I’ve forgotten about not having children.
I’ve forgotten how it feels to be viewed with suspicion when I’m asked the question: “Have any kids?”
I’ve forgotten the awkward pause, the anger that flushes the face when a casual friend asks when, not if, babies are planned.
I’ve forgotten about the assumption that people have that I can’t have children, that something is “wrong” or that my marriage is on the rocks.
I’ve forgotten about the stigma our culture attaches to those who choose not to parent.
So today, I’m choosing to remember.
Photo Credit: Pink Sherbet Photography/Flickr
Mary Lauren Weimer is a social worker turned mother turned writer. Her blog, My 3 Little Birds, encourages moms to put down the baby books for a moment and tell their own stories. Connect with her on Facebook and Twitter.
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Awesome.
When my husband and I became parents, we over the course of 6 months to a year, lost contact with our pre-children friends, who were all childless. Most were still single. It got a little awkward towards the end. A lot of friends didn’t understand why we didn’t just take turns staying home with the baby so the other could go out. And we didn’t understand why they didn’t want to come over to our house on a Friday night and stare at our amazing 3 month old baby;).
Definitely! I do think there is a divide but not entirely on purpose. Having to schedule things around our kids naps irritates family members without kids. They don’t understand that kids need their naps. You sorta have to be a parent to truly understand why things are they way they are. I am so happy to have kids and to be a mommy. But like you, I used to be the eye-rolling kind of those with kids. It was if they were always talking about their kids. Now I find myself doing the same….but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I think judgment goes both ways. I’m thinking today of people who don’t have kids and yet think they can make judgments on your parenting abilities because it is so clear to them what you are doing wrong. Before I had kids I was definitely one of those people thinking, “My kids will never do x y or z.” Most people are like that pre-kids, probably, but then when they see how hard it is they have sympathy for each other, because even if your kid does x and mine doesn’t, I know that MY kid does y and I never thought that would happen either. But the childless never have that happen to them so they can go on being judgmental about how bratty your kids are and what you are doing wrong with them and how easy it would be to solve this or that problem if you would only . . .
Yes, I’m generalizing. But there is nothing like being in the trenches parenting to gain respect for what a hard job it is. And from the perspective of someone in the trenches, it’s hard not to judge those who are going out for martinis every night, sleeping in on Saturday, and going on awesome vacations as puttling lifestyle ahead of substance.
I concur with Leslie. I was indeed a much better Mother before I had kids I’m sure. LOL
What is frustrating is we attach judgement to it. You know, I don’t really hang out with undergrads anymore and that’s ok– because I don’t have as much in common with them now that I’m at a DIFFERENT stage in my life– not better necessarily, but different. I think MY life is better with children, but children are not necessary to make life better. I also think my life is better now that I’m not living dorm life. It’s like comparing apples and oranges. Just appreciate them for what they are and we are… come together in friendship when able and support each other no matter where one is in their walk in life.
It’s not precisely what you’re talking about, but I appreciate that you mention always having wanted kids. I’ve always wanted children, and for a long time I was the minority among my friends. They thought I was odd because I knew very firmly that I wanted a child. Now it’s weird b/c some of those friends have kids, and I still desperately want them, but have very few options in sight for having one. :/
That said, I try really, really hard not to judge parents or non-parents. I know I’m not always successful, but I know I can’t begin to imagine the choices and sacrifices parents are making just to get by. What I don’t understand is why someone would judge others for wanting kids or not wanting them. That utterly mystifies me.