It's Okay Not to Kiss Grandpa
Today, I was reading a post on CNN called “I Don’t Own my Child’s Body” that struck a nerve.
In it, the author makes the argument that teaching your children that they have to dole out affection on demand is not doing them a very good service.
In fact, you might be planting the idea that your child should go against their instincts and give kisses or hugs because it is expected and will make the other person happy.
Which in turn, could make young children more vulnerable to future sexual abuse or in their teenage years, a girl might be more likely to simply say “yes” to sex with her boyfriend in order to please him.
In other words, you could be sending the message to your children that their body is not their own and what they do with their body is not solely their decision.
Of course, no parent would intentionally want to put any of these thoughts in their child’s head. But I began to realize that I am guilty of demanding affection all the time.
For myself, for her dad, for her grandparents, etc.
How many times have you begged your child to give you a hug before you walked out the door for work?
How many times have you begged your daughter to give her grandma a kiss when she arrived, even when she already told her no?
I don’t force my daughter to do anything but I definitely don’t let the issue go after my first attempt.
Just this morning, Poppy (her grandpa) stopped by for a special visit. On his way out, I asked Mazzy repeatedly to give him a kiss. She put her head down on the table, hair marring any view of her face, but I continued, undeterred.
“Come on, sweetie. You don’t see Poppy that often…”
“No.”
“But he would be so happy if you gave him a kiss!”
She still didn’t do it and we didn’t force the issue further but now I’m thinking, I should have let her say no and just be done with it.
Mazzy does not have an issue with affection. A lot of the time, hugs and kisses come easy. But just as often, she may not be in the mood, which is understandable and should be okay.
It’s her choice whether she wants to kiss her grandfather.
And as much as it might hurt, it’s her choice whether she wants to kiss me too.
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Two weeks ago we had to do a project with my 7 year old on good touches and bad touches. I realised that I had to teach her it is ok to say no. So if she doesn’t want to hug or kiss someone she doesn’t have to.
I have heard this too. It’s a slippery slope too because sometimes you have the grandparents insisting on that affection and just so you don’t have to hear Johnny doesn’t love me you might push them to do it even though that shouldn’t be our focus. At the same time though I do feel it’s our job to teach them proper greetings and send offs. Maybe it doesn’t have to be a hug and kiss for Grandpa, but there could be a hand shake at least or at the very least look Grandpa in the eye and say a proper goodbye. Because there are people I might not want to exchange pleasantries with, but I still do because it’s all part of the manners we are taught.
Monica- I totally agree with you. We actually have a children’s book called “Madeline Says Merci” (part of the Madeline series) that teaches kids all about basic manners. It says you always look people in the eye when they say hello and say it back. We try to enforce that, definitely.
I have always felt uncomfortable when other people tell their kids to kiss or hug me bye. When I first started dating my husband his sister would always insist that her 8 yr old son give me a hug or kiss on the cheek. I could tell the reluctance on his face and always told him it was ok not to…it wouldn’t hurt my feelings. I mean the kid barely knew me. It was awkward. So no I will not tell my son that he has to hug and kiss everyone unless he wants to. It’s more adorable when he blows kisses and waves anyway!
I was a very shy kid and i still remember how awful i felt having to kiss all the distant relatives when they were visiting. I have a girl now, she is very opposite of me and I let her decide whom to show affection. What i don’t like is having to explain to all the people she is not showing affection “No she is warm and caring, she just does not know you.”. I really don’t like that i have to explain or find a reason. Why would someone be offended she did not kiss you just that one time?
Great reminder! I try not to force it, though I do ask of it!
Even though its in our culture and our nature to give kisses and hugs and ask them in return, we don’t force our children to do it. I’d personally rather give and get a sincere hug and kiss from people than a forced one. My husband feels the same way, so we make it our child’s choice but do ask and encourage a bit of affection (to people they know of course!).
I think that jumping from “Give Grandma a kiss” to date rape is a huge and inappropriate leap. We give Baguette alternatives, including high-fiving people. I think she should get to decide when she shows affection (and how much), but I think the premise here is really problematic.
This is a great point. As a child therapist and mother I have to have this conversation a lot with parents often unfortunately after their children have been abused. It is important to remember that children want to please adults and we as parents can unwittingly be teaching them that they do not have a say over there own body. It can be very confusing for a child when adult especially one they know and trust hurts them. Most children do not know that it is okay to tell an adult “no”. This is why I not only try to let my children chose when and who they show affection for but also teach them from an early age that their bodies belong to them and there are ways they can chose to share their bodies and ways that they never have to share their bodies. My children from a very young age understand which parts of their bodies are for sharing and which are private and only for them. In addition, I believe that teaching kids that their body belongs to them not only teaches personal safety I believe it also teaches them to have a healthy body image.
I agree that it is ok if a toddler or child just doesn’t want to give kisses….it doesn’t mean they don’t love the person, maybe they dislike the feel of Grandpa’s whiskers….or had been kissing up Grandma all day when she babysat and is all kissed out. As a child I was raise to always give peopke a kiss goodbye, “because you never know when it will be your last chance to do so.”
I’d rather have a kiss because the child wants to give one, not because they are told too over again. My son (then 4) one day was leaving with his dad for his dad’s weekend and I got my hug, he said “no kisses that’s for girl’s” I persisted and when he finally acted like he was going to he head butted me in the face, I nearly bit through my bottom lip, a kiss is not worth all that!
My best friend’s 3 kids by the time they were 2 1/2 we had a goodbye hand gestures routine; peace, rock ‘n’ roll, hang loose & finally we’d shoot some “spiderwebs” like Spiderman! I’d still get my hugs, and had to do all 4 gestures with each kid, letting them pick the order!
There is a difference between being polite, and forcing a child to show affection. Especially to their parents and grandparents. I tell my son to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, and I tell him to “Give Grandma a kiss” when we leave. But I also tell him that no one can touch him ‘there’ if he doesn’t want them to. I don’t believe that is confusing. If he doesn’t want to kiss Grandma goodbye, he says so- and we wave instead. But I think this mom is taking it to an extreme. It’s a fine line, because I want my son to be able to be affectionate without worrying about it. That’s part of the joy of being a kid! It’s my job, as his mother, to worry about who he is spending time with and who is allowed to get close to him.
Jesus. Get a life all of you helicopter parents. Are you kidding me? There are MANY more important things to worry about with your child than this. No wonder our society is where it is. And to the writer, you def need anoter job.
THANK you Ladera Mom for bringing some sense to this blog!
You could teach them another option … such as blowing kisses. The sentiment is almost the same, but without the bodily contact. I would present a variety of greeting styles and allow the child to choose. I was shy as a child and at times hugging a bunch of relatives seemed overwhelming. I remember my heart pounding and feeling almost sick inside, but I did it because I was aftraid not to. Teaching the child to kiss their own fingers and wave bye-bye seems like a fun and loving way to greet someone while giving the child control of the type of affection they want to share …