Somewhere around 12 months, your child will lose interest in their lovely infant toys with gentle soothing sounds. Apparently by the 18+ month mark, toy manufacturers believe your child’s eardrums are in full working order because toys designated for that age start getting really loud and obnoxious.
As a toy, the quickest way to turn me off is to be freakishly loud without a volume control. I mean, who thought that was a good idea?
It is a simple truth; the loud abominable toys are always bought by others. You know it’s true, your child’s friends and grandparents wrap up these auditory nightmares and give them away, laughing to themselves, “Hahahaha, Mom and Dad are gonna love this!” Since a parent would never deliberately subject their ears to such chaos, we buy the least-offensive toys for our kids knowing we are going to have to listen to them incessantly. We deal with enough crying and whining to last 3 lifetimes, why on earth would we want to listen to SpongeBob Squarepants laugh his ridiculous laugh 6,000 times in a row? And SpongeBob, really…nothing is that funny.
Never afraid of controversy, I’ll admit my dirty little secret: I “break” and/or “lose” obnoxious toys on purpose. Word.
It all began innocently enough, BooBoo was gifted a toy guitar – complete with a whammy bar that played all sorts of groovy tunes. While that may sound perfectly fine, those groovy little tunes played at the most deafening volume known to man. Lear jets are quieter, I kid you not. And since I simply could not coexist in the same house with said guitar (and I’m the one paying the mortgage), I did what any mom would do I threw it away.
I know right? Totally hardcore.
Look, I had to do it for me, for my street and for my county, it was just THAT loud. That toy was so deafening that I couldn’t even bring myself to donate it to charity. I could never subject some other kid’s eardrums to that thing for fear of bad toy karma and I just couldn’t have that on my soul. Even this processed blond knew the obvious and gentler solution would have been to remove the batteries. Yes, but BooBoo is smart, just like your kids, and he would have just continued asking me to fix it over and over and over if it remained in plain sight. So, bleeding eardrums or eternal pleading? Neither. I chose trash; problem solved. Did BooBoo look for the guitar? Yes. Did he ask me to help him find it? Indeed. Will it ever be found? Negatory, that guitar swims with the fishes. So he cried for a minute and then found entertainment with a bendy straw – score!
Here is where my secret gets even dirtier and I become even more of a rebel:
Sometimes the toys aren’t even bad; they just offend me for some non-specific reason.
There was a time that I loved Barney. He was so purple and kind, teaching all those morals and manners. The problem was I got my fill of Barney and his posse with my eldest son. Once BooBoo came along, well, he latched onto Barney like nothing I have ever seen. He lived and breathed for “Marney” as he called him and it bordered on obsessive. I ultimately found myself developing passive aggressive feelings toward Barney who never did anything to me (aside from that “I Love You” song heard even in my sleep), but BooBoo and Barney were going to have to end their love affair.
Thankfully, the pair eventually went their separate ways because they both wanted different things. Or maybe the breakup wasn’t as much mutual as previously thought. When BooBoo’s eyes started wandering, Barney went missing. We presume he found his way to some less fortunate kids, but we can’t be sure, it’s all speculation really. All I know is that Barney don’t live here no mo. Sure, there were good times, memories light the corners of my mind and all that. It was real and it was fun and it was real fun, but now it’s over and I have SpongeBob and his obnoxious laugh to contend with…
…or do I?
Fess up, have you ever broken or trashed a toy for selfish reasons?
(Oh yeah, if you liked that fun illustration by my husband above, you can check out a gallery of his cartoons here.)
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How else can you carefully and responsibly get rid of the evidence?