I think it’s really over and I’m a bit of a mess.
Last week I shared a post about the beginning of the end. It was a post about how Fern had begun initiating an end to our breastfeeding journey and how I was having a hard time letting go of the tiny sliver of “baby” that was left.
But, now I think it really is the end.
We had already stopped nursing at bed time and then reluctantly I gave up our morning, snuggled up in bed, nursing session. Basically I was only nursing briefly for relief in the afternoon for the past couple of days and yesterday I stopped to soak it all in. This might be the last time I would be nursing my sweet Fern. I took in her sweet upward gaze, the softness of her little curls and the feeling of her tiny hand resting on my neck. After she was done, she ran off to play and I sort of just knew she was ready, but I hadn’t completely let go of the idea of our middle of the night/early morning nursing session…I wasn’t quite ready.
Then, this morning as I heard her crying and went in to comfort her in the early hours of the morning, fully prepared to nurse, she didn’t paw at me frantically as she typically does. My little girl just snuggled up and laid her head on my shoulder…and I knew.
As I rocked her back to sleep, I cried. And after I left her room, I cried some more.
I’m thankful I had read this post by Natalie Holbrook, because it prepared me for how hard this might be and for the fact that I might be a little extra emotional about it.
I know that this is simply the end of one tiny chapter in our journey together as mother and daughter, but it is still a hard one to close. We both worked so hard to make breastfeeding work – it was such an uphill battle – and as much as I looked forward to the freedom of being done with it, it’s bittersweet. I am so thankful for the wonderful bonding time that nursing helped us to have, but I guess all good things must come to an end.
Even though she is growing up and I know that there will be far better things ahead for us, I still can’t help but feel a little sad about losing my “baby”. But breastfeeding or not, Fern Winter – you will always and forever be “my baby”…even when you’re 30 I think. I’m sure you will hate it at times, but then when you are a mother one day, you will understand.
Lauren Hartmann is the founder of The Little Things We Do, a blog about life and adventures in Portland Oregon. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram or catch up on all of her posts here on Babble. More from Lauren:
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