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I let my two-year-old play outside.
ALONE.
In the past three months that I’ve been working from home with him, the weather went from dark and cold winter to a mild and warm springtime. We threw open the windows sometime in early March and brought out shorts in the past few weeks and Harrison has been begging to spend every waking moment outside. We go on walks, we swing and chase the dog. I even work outside the majority of the time, sitting on a blanket in the yard while he plays but sometimes, Momma just needs to be indoors to get some things done.
So I let him play outside alone while I stay in the house.
How?! Why?! ARE YOU A LUNATIC? you might ask…
Nope, not a lunatic or a neglectful mother. Just one that has a to-do list, like every mother.
So after we play and it’s time for lunch, I keep the windows and back doors flung wide open where I can hear and keep an eye out on the kiddo. We have a six-foot privacy fence that is locked with no hope of escape on a quiet street in a very family-oriented neighborhood. We don’t have a pool he can fall into or a six-foot tree house to climb. Our neighbor is usually working out on his back deck that peers over our yard. Plus, our German Shepherd dog is out there with him and she will cut the bitch that tries to mess with our family, to put it kindly.
So I unload the top of the dishwasher, then peek out to check. Unload the bottom dishwasher and peek out to check. Wipe down the counters and brew a cup of coffee and head outside for another 30 minutes. Rinse and repeat as necessary.
The best part is that a) I’m keeping an eye on my kid and b) he’s learning to play outside without me initiating play. Which means that in a few years, I can really send him out to play by himself so that I can eat bon-bons on the couch. Or clean the bathrooms. Whatever.
Beth Anne writes words & takes pictures on The Heir to Blair.
You can also find her on the Twitters & Facebook.
I do the same thing with my 3.5 year old! Kids certainly need time by themselves to play, indoors or outside.
This is fantastic. My 10 month old puts everything in reach into his mouth to the extent that I have no hopes that he’ll outgrow it before kindergarten, but if he does, he’ll get some alone time outside too.
I’m not gonna lie. I’m a little jealous. There’s no way I could let my 3 year old play outside by herself. We have a fence but she can get out it, and my parents live directly behind us so I worry she would sneak over there. Also our house we live in is set up so ridiculous. The back door is out of the garage so the only windows that over look our back yard are in the bedrooms. But in your set up I would totally let her loose outside to play by herself for a little bit at a time.
welllll i wholeheartedly disagree with this as he’s only 2, not even 2 1/2 and you’ve got 20 more years of him not needing you or your ideas to get by… Now is one of the rare moments where you get to teach them the most and enjoy the most and I dunno… I can’t really get on board with this. To each their own, he’s your kid, yah yah… but is there something you’re doing that’s so critical that your kid has to be in the yard by himself? I think what you maybe possibly struggle the most with here is the ability to prioritize. I’m not trying to be “stabby’ Or whatever, but I think you have an imbalance of what might really be important. I have no doubt in my mind that you have time to work other times of the day that don’t involve an unattended toddler in the yard.
I am admittedly a neurotic mother, but a bee sting… what if he’s allergic? How long does it take for him to stop breathing god forbid? It’s worth it? Tweeting and washing dishes and reading cookbooks can’t really contend with the safety and bonding time you spend with him. You’ve already admitted to how often you plop him in front of the tv so you can work, now he’s outside alone.
He’s got to be pretty lonely.
I did this all the time with my 3 year old last summer when he was H’s age and will again this year when it’s nice enough out. Kids need to learn some independence and why not in a safe outdoors situation? It’s not like you’re letting him walk to the park alone! That last commenter sounds a little crazy to me, don’t listen to her.
Same here. We leave the back door open to the porch and he plays with his trains. Also you ARE doing him service by letting him play alone. Anyone who thinks you need to be playing with him every second clearly is a helicopter parent. There I said it. They need to learn to be independent. What happens when you have more than 1 kid? Gasp! You can’t keep them both engaged all day. I was an only
child and I still was allowed to play alone. I am
pretty damn independent if I do say so myself. Hats off mama! C’mon over and we can let H and L run around with scissors and pitchforks this weekend. It’ll be epic.
@Brandy, that’s exactly how I was raised! My momma opened the door & said, “Go play. I’ll call you when it’s time for lunch.” I had a swingset & a treehouse & a playhouse & a pup. There was always something to do & I always played better when left to my own imagination. That way she had time to do the chores & duties she needed to do so that later, we had family time & her only focus was family. It worked great for us.
I don’t think I’m so much crazy as much as I’m not willing to encourage someone to half parent their child. BA has admitted on her blog and here often enough how much she prefers to neglect Harrison, where she’ll let him cry himself to sleep in his room with the door knob turned around, but then puts a tv 5 inches from his face in the car to stop that same “self soothing cry” when she’s driving. That she puts movies on him daily, and now she turns him loose in the yard (fenced or not) unattended. He’s 2, not 4 or 5 and I think that it’s sad. I don’t think you need to call me crazy because I’ve pointed out the multiple levels of neglect that go on in the name of parenting in BA’s house.
There will come a day when he’ll let go of her hand and not need her anymore and there will be a very emotionally prosed post about her boy going on his own and her heart bleeding and part of her dying… and then there will be the next moment where she realizes that all those times she COULD have taken his hand but chose to do something else and then it’s too late. I just think it sucks and I’m fully entitled to say that here
@Christina, HAHAHAHA “neglect.” My kid is well-adjusted, polite, & attached. You may not think so based on what you read on a blog, but then again, you don’t actually know me or Harrison. What works for our family obviously doesn’t work for you. No sweat off my back.
What I find even more ironic is the amount of disdain you obviously hold for me, for my parenting, for my life…yet you continuously read & comment.
Also, I think you’re missing a very specific part of the post where I mention that I empty the dishwasher & wipe down the counters, then head back outside to be with him. So I’m in 10 minutes then back out for 30 with him. It’s not like the kid is out there for 2 hours by himself while I’m curled up with P-Dub’s new cookbook & a cocktail & headphones on.
I remember this with my son, whose is now almost 5 years old – that first moment that I gave him some independence of his own in the backyard. Thank God for it too, because now that I have two kids & he’s a bit older I know that he knows the rules of being outside alone. He plays very well independently – I firmly believe that everyone can benefit from a little alone time.
I honestly think that it’s tragic that more parents don’t give their kids some of that independence. As far as prioritizing as a mother, I think giving your child the foundation to become someone who can play alone & enjoy it is critical. Why should you feel guilty for emptying the dishwasher, or reading a cookbook? I think parenting is a balancing act, and for some reason it has become more the norm for our generation to dedicate every waking second to tending to our kids every single need. You obviously have his safety & happiness in mind – enjoy this time!
To those calling this neglect…please. I was an only child and my parents constantly told me to “go outside and play.” And you know what? I LOVED it. I had a huge imagination when I was younger because I was given the opportunity to play on my own. I didn’t have my parents hovering over me every minute of every day, and looking back, I’m grateful for that. I wasn’t lonely, nor was I neglected.
@Christina I am not here to fight with you. I just wonder how well you take care of YOURSELF if you spend every breathing moment with your kid. Plenty of reports have shown we are better off we spend some mommy time for mommy. I didn’t make it up. As a full time working mom, I have limited time to play with my kid in the evenings but ya know what else? We have to eat, sort the mail, take the dog out etc. How does one accomplish this while holding my child’s hand and forcing him into what I want him to do? Nothing. It gets me meltdowns and more stress….and for what? There isn’t a magical age where kids are THEN ready to play alone. It is a skill just like stacking and counting that needs to be learned. I hope you find some balance soon.
To add to my comment from earlier and in reference to some of the other comments I love that BA is real. Most blogs you come across are Moms actively involved with their child 24 hours a day. Constantly planning activities, arts and crafts etc. Its annoying and makes me feel like I don’t measure up. Because I set my kids in front of the television so I can do some dishes or throw a load of laundry in. And when we go outside to play I take a book and my 1 & 3 year old play on their own. I am not involved in every single thing they do. I honestly don’t understand why people continue to read blogs when they can’t relate to how the person parents or they have an obvious disdain for the writer.
Growing up this is what it was like for us, we didn’t need our parents to play with us every second and our parents definitely weren’t outside with us all of the time. Now that I have a daughter who just turned 3, she seems to always want to play with me, always!! I think because she is an only child right now I feeel guilty asking her to play on her own sometimes, but it is something that I am working very hard on. I know that kids need to play on their own and I don’t have to constantly be attached to her. I love hearing how other moms give their kids that alone time because it reminds me that it is ok and I am allowed to get work done or clean or whatever and I don’t have to play with her every waking minute! Great article
Christina…or, should I say Helicopter? BethAnne never said that she tosses her kid outside and watches soap operas and eats BonBons all friggen day. PRIORITIZE? Are you kidding me right now? BA is a work at home mom who WORKS while PARENTING. BA is not only teaching her child independence for a healthy work ethic. She has stated that her backyard is safe and secure. I would let my 2 year old do the SAME thing ::GASP – Call Children’s Aid:: if we didn’t have a tree house that is 6 feet off the ground that she would climb. My 16 month old can play independently as well as with others (funny, this skill is usually developed after the age of two) and is extremely well adjusted. I do not smother her constantly, and am still capable of loving and nurturing her, as is BethAnne with Harrison.
I am not sure if you expect a WAHM to work through the night and never sleep? Oh right, probably, because when you become a Mom you are supposed to completely neglect yourself? That would be a very healthy example for her children.
Yes, you are entitled to your opinion, but you are not entitled to be accusatory. I look forward to reading your blog in 30 years about you doing your child’s laundry while they are still living in your basement.
Bethanne, I applaud you and I adore your Blog. You are not only honest, you don’t try to paint a perfect picture of parenthood. Bravo. Keep it up.
When I was growing up, if you DIDN’T got outside & play by yourself, you got stuck inside doing chores. I grew up with 4 brothers, so we spent a lot of time building bike ramps, digging trenches or playing football. I’d also sneak off on my own with some spoons & a pie dish & make a mean mud pie. Our parents would poke their heads out occasionally to make sure we hadn’t killed each other. I think it was good for us. Unfortunately, we can’t let our 2.5 year old play in the backyard just yet. It’s nothing but brush & rock. But you better believe that once we get it cleaned up, her little butt is going to be out there digging & playing on her own, too!
We’re just now getting to the point where we’ll let H play alone for a small stretch of time. We have a basement playroom, and sometimes we’ll come up to the kitchen and take care of things up there, while he’s happily playing with his cars and trucks. He’s 2.5 and very into making games, lining up his toys, playing with his train table, etc. We call down every few minutes and ask if he’s okay, and he always responds with an enthusiastic “yeah!!” Sometimes I think after the all-day stimulation of daycare, he needs a little time to himself as much as we do!
We don’t let him play outside alone, but that’s partly because of the setup of our house. We live on a corner lot so we’re exposed to the street from both sides. And, H knows how to operate the fence (nightmare!). So in our situation that doesn’t work, but if you can see him from the window I don’t see any harm in letting him run free for a few minutes at a time! I’m sure he’s in heaven.
DO IT NOW before you have kid #2 and all they do is fight out there.
Trust that I speak from experience.
HA!
I wish I could do this. We don’t have that kind of a backyard, but I do let her play while I’m out on the porch reading or writing.
I think we over protect our kids WAY too much these days. Harrison is 2 1/2 (ahem to the person who said he’s not) and I’ve seen (in pics) your backyard. There isn’t much he can do out there to get in trouble, just run and play in the grass.
I love that our yard isn’t fenced in, but there are times I wish it were so that we could do the same with D. Our kitchen is set up so that I could work & see him outside easily if the yard were fenced. I think it’s a necessity for children to learn independence and how to entertain themselves. Sounds like Harrison is having a great time out there!
So because I’ve figured out how to balance my time between my ME time and my kids, my husband my job and my family I’m a helicopter? Is that how it works? All or nothing. Interesting.
I’ve figured out my priorities, when my kids are awake yes, I mulch the plants, weed the garden, clean up the yard while they are playing in my general vicinity. I’m not ducked under a counter emptying dishes or typing up some meaningless blog post about how much of a parent I wish I was but can’t be because I’m hiding behind a computer or a camera instead of being present and in the moment.
It’s so Jerry Springer to say ” you don’t know me”. You hang it all out there for people to see and then get so pissed off when you aren’t being patted on the back but instead having someone say, ” hey, I really think that’s wrong and you should rethink it”
Your counters need to be wiped down at that moment? Seriously? You don’t have to be playing WITH Harrison as much as being a presence to him, to have the security of knowing you are there if he needs you but that you are your own person with your own book to read, plants to pot whatever. You can exist and still be yourself without being absent and leaving him alone. Again, to remind you of what you already know, he’s 2. 2 with a limited vocabulary. He can’t even tell you if he fell down outside, or if something hurt him, or if he ate a container of miracle grow because his speech is limited and your attention is just as limited.
I’m not trying to fling a multitude of insults at you because I HAVE been reading your blog for a long time and I HAVE emailed with you privately in the past and i feel that to an extent i DO know you… I just don’t agree. And I’m allowed to say that without being accused of being some identityless helicopter psycho.
no. I’m not that. What I am is present and in the moment. I find a balance between my life, their life and our life. I prioritize. And I will flat out tell you that emptying the dishwasher and wiping the counter while you ditch your kid in the yard even for 15 minutes is just dumb. Just irrelevant and dumb. If you need a break just step away, but be freaking present. Be there , not at a window “there” but THERE, because again, He’s TWO. He doesnt’ even know where his elbow is but he’s capable of being alone in the yard? Come on. Listen to yourself. That’s ridiculous and all of you know it.
Oh, Christina. Your ability to justify yourself is the exact same as my own.
I wish you’d see the absolute hypocrisy of your last comment. You’re 10 feet away knee deep in mulch & weeds for 10 minutes. I’m 10 feet away with the doors & windows open, knee-deep in dishes. You look up every few minutes? Hey, me too! You can hear your kid? Hey, me too! You can see them with very little effort? Hey, me too! There is not so much difference.
The difference is that I don’t feel the need to be up my kid’s ass every moment of every day in case he whacks his elbow.
oh and April I’ve been a work at home mom for 4 years now and I don’t work for someone else, I own a business that supports 6 families. So thanks for telling ME how to balance my time. Yes, I do stay up sometimes til 3 am to get that last report in.
Because if I can stay out until midnight on a date with my husband, or up until 4 with a puking child I can stay up until 3 working. But again, thanks for the insults and assumptions.
This does sound a little scary to me, mostly because you’re leaving him out there with a dog. Not a dog person and wouldn’t leave my kid unattended with any dog, even my own. Yes its good for them to be independent, but outside is a little further than I’m willing to go, probably until they’re 4. To each their own though, wouldn’t call it neglectful.
I think if you truly thought what you were doing was right you wouldn’t be defending in with such effort right now. Or joking about it on twitter or even dignifying my comments with a response. I think (no, I hope) that what I said might have resonated with you just a shred and you’re maybe thinking about it in a very common, defensive way.
Again, maybe if he was 4. But not 2. No way. I don’t care where you are. The other difference (which is again, not an insult but a difference ) is that I have 2, and they have each others backs when my back is turned. They push each other on the swings, they push each other face down in the dirt, but they are together and prefer to be together playing, which allows that “mulch time” for me. Woopty doo. If it was just one, and he was only 2, forget it.
Christina, I’ve read all your comments, and I think you should just hang it up. You’re argument is starting to fall apart …
Also, if you knew BA personally, I doubt you’d be this, ahem, blunt.
I’m confused. I read the post thinking it was a great. Children, even babies, need some moments to discover things themselves and giving them a bit of independence with boundaries is good for both mom and child. It was the RIE method at work, I thought.
Until I saw the comments w word like negligent, dumb, absent and now I’m worried. Not about BethAnne’s post but about the way these words are being used. Calling someone a negligent parent is a serious charge. I’ve worked in situations and seen neglect and absent parents – this is NOT that. Agree to disagree on parenting philosophies, but do it responsibly.
One of the best parts of our new house is that the deck attached is attached to the kitchen/family room. That means when my daughter wants to keep doing whatever it is out there, but is also getting hungry, I can quickly duck in and make her lunch and not disturb her play. It is so much easier than having to drag her in, upset because I’m making her leave, to have her standing there annoyed with me while I try to cut up some veggies. It’s amazing!
And GASP! I even went PEE when she was out there, covered in sticky bubble solution and having a ball. It was that, or spend 15 mins prepping her to come inside for my 30 second pee break to spend 15 minutes prepping her to go back out.
Miss Christina you are clearly a bit confused as to what “me time” and “balance” are. Just because you aren’t capable of seeing a different perspective doesn’t make BA neglectful. It is wildly unhealthy for both you and your children to never be apart. There will of course come a time when you have to let them be and then not only will you be a hysterical mess, so will they. I don’t see the difference in gardening or washing a plate when your kids are otherwise occupied, but somehow you put more value on your choice of priorities than BA? Who are you to tell anyone what is and isn’t a priority? And if you’re so busy running a successful business which supports so many people while never missing a beat at home and being with your children 100% of the time and not allowing them to watch TV while finding amazing balance for yourself and your husband and having it all then what on EARTH are you doing here with all of us neglectful jerks? If you’re SO happy with yourself and all you have, why do you come off as such a resentful troll? Also? My JUST 2 year old kid knows where all her body parts are among many other things like calling for me when she needs something, counting to 20 and identifying colours and shapes so, if your two year old can’t find his elbow I think you have bigger problem than you’re letting on.
BA that jealousy, sometimes, it’s a little bit ugly
Keep up the good work. I look forward to hearing how well Harrison does when he goes to school or becomes a big brother since he’s got the maturity to handle alone play at the tender age of just 2 
I do the exact same thing with my just-turned-2 daughter. And I’m pleased as punch that she is independent enough to play without me for a few minutes. When did a backyard become so scary??
Wow. Lots of not playing nicely here. I don’t see anything wrong with letting a kid play alone in the yard for 10 minute stretches under the conditions described in this post. We don’t have a fence, but I will let my kids play on the screened porch together while I’m fifteen feet away in the kitchen where they are alone, but I can see them. I’ll also let them have free run of the upstairs (with baby gate securely locked) while I take a bath or fold a load of laundry, but I am sure to keep an eye and ear out to check on them if things get too quiet. It doesn’t sound like BA is leaving Harrison alone outside for more than 10-15 minute stretches, and I don’t see anything wrong with that.
THAT BEING SAID, I personally don’t think that Christina’s original comment was anything more that presenting a dissenting opinion and asking some “devil’s advocate” kinds of questions. I’ve read Christina’s comments before and don’t think that diplomacy is her strong suit, but I don’t think that the initial comment was anything more than an expression of different perspective, which she’s entitled to have and should be welcomed to express. I think the first shots in this battle originated in her being called “crazy” and a “helicopter,” which I don’t think her ORIGINAL comment warranted. The generalizations and accusations and judgments started flying back and forth from BOTH sides after that, and in my opinion, NEITHER side comes out of this looking well.
For my part, I’m glad she commented because it made me really think about the times when I leave my kids alone. I’m by no stretch a helicopter parent, and I believe in and encourage my kids to be independent. They ARE independent. BUT, while I too have fond memories of being kicked out of the house by my mom for the day, I believe I was at least four or five. My kids are one and three. They are still very young children and sometimes they want to play with me. And to be honest, the tantrums mostly occur when they’ve been contentedly independent for a while, and then come to me for my attention, and because of my to-do list, I keep trying to defer them. Maybe sometimes I could put my sponge down or close the laptop or scrub that toilet at a later time when they don’t desire my attention. I’m NOT saying that I need to be “up their asses” all the time. I don’t. I think that type of parenting is damaging. But I admit there are times when I get tunnel-vision about a project and my children reach the end of their independence rope and want to engage with me and I put them off “just for five more minutes while I finish folding this laundry.” I’m not saying that’s wrong. Sometimes that’s okay, but I don’t think it’s ALWAYS okay.
This is just my observation of my OWN habits. I’m not saying that Bethanne is anything but a perfectly balanced parent. However, I’m glad Christina posted her initial comment because it made me think about my parenting, which wouldn’t have happened had the comments on this post JUST been from the amen corner, know what I mean? Again, I don’t see anything wrong with Harrison spending some time outside with his toys and his dog while his mom watches and listens from the window. I don’t have a fence, but I can see myself doing the same thing if I did have a fence. I just think that Christina initially posed an interesting question (in a less than tactful way, perhaps) of at what point do we engage in too much “me” time or “to-do” list time to the loss of precious time with our kids. I’m glad that a lot of moms on here seem to have found the answer to that question. For my part, I’m not sure that I have. But asking, thinking about, and answering these types of difficult questions is why we have these little meetings, right?
Babe_Chilla:
First off, I understand ME time. I take ME time. And when I do, it’s for ME. Phones off, computers off, outside on a hike, or at the gym or at the spa or even in the tub with a good book.
Did I ANYWHERE at ANY point say I’m with my children 100% of the time? Or did I imply that WHEN I”m with them I give 100%… Think about it, maybe go do a little re-reading.. Lemme know what you come up with.
I give my all when Im’ doing something. Be it working out, working, playing trucks, gardening or cooking dinner, I give it my all. All I am saying is why is it not an option to be in the moment. In the present? Why does BA have to always be so distracted in her time with Harry. If shes not uploading to instagram or tweeting evidently she’s cleaning the kitchen or trying to work. If the very little time you get with your kid you can’t give it your all, then hire someone that can and just work or clean. Don’t half ass your way through life.
I’ve said nothing wrong here, and I’ve never said I’m a helicopter mom or that my kids don’t have independent play. They can play alone while I’m there , present but not engaged. I can see them, hear them, sometimes unfortunately smell them and be doing something else, but I’m not SOMEWHERE else. That is my point. The point you are so grossly missing.
I also have two children that are excellent communicators. BA has said multiple times that Harry can’t speak or has very limited speaking. So at 2 years old I feel that he with his abilities does not belong outside alone with a dog a trampoline and swingset. Because he can’t articulate anything back to her about what he did, what he saw, what maybe scared him. Nothing. Just a vacuum of space where he’s alone, she’s alone and what, he pushes himself on the swing? Or is the dog pushing him?
I never said that what i do is right. I’m just saying that i think what she’s doing is wrong. I also know better than to create a blog, become a blogger or try to make any form of a livelihood out of boasting my parenting mistakes, trials and tribulations. BA does and BA should understand that with that comes opinions, criticism and backlash. If she cant’ handle that then maybe she should better think about what she chooses to share with the world… even if getting traffic to this post pays her electricity bill this month. There is no dollar amount you can put on preserving some dignity.
With that said, I have things to get back to. As I’ve devoted enough time to this post and people that praise bad decisions.
Hey BA, if you neglect Harry, then I wonder how my daughter knows my name. I work away from home, she watches TV in her room every night, and swings outside alone if she isn’t playing in her room. (She is 3.5.) All while I’m cooking supper or tending to her baby brother….. It all goes back to do what is best for your child and your family. My little girl loves me and is one of the sweetest, kindest, smartest kids I know. We read a book and say prayers every night at bedtime. She helps me cook if she wants. I play outside with her if I can. And a year ago, things were just the same except the outside because we don’t have a fenced yard. We live on 3 acres in the country so at 3.5 she understands her boundaries. If there was a fence, she would have been allowed at 2.5. She reminds me to give her meds in the morning, cleans her own room, remembers to say her prayers. So if letting her play outside alone or watch TV every night makes me a bad or neglecting mother, then I’ll take the title. Because from my vantage point I’m doing a darn good job and so are you!
Why can’t we all just get along? LOL
I have a child almost the exact same age as Harrison and I must say I was shocked at this article. I feel like it was written in an attempt to generate hits to your blog. I think you were looking for a little controversy. I’m not saying I’m a perfect mother but when you put something like this out there on a blog, you should understand that not everyone shares your view on everything.
That said, there are a lot of reasons I disagree with leaving a 2.5 yr old alone in your yard. First, you may think he can’t escape the fence but toddlers, as I’m sure you are aware, never fail to amaze you with their resourcefulness. Secondly, no neighborhood is 100% safe, unfortunately. Thirdly, perhaps your area is different from mine, but where I live there are any number of “critters” in the yard. I have seen many snakes, bees, fire ants, etc. out there and I constantly watch my child when she is walking in the yard. Fourth, (and I’m not trying to be mean at all here), you often blog about Harrison being speech delayed and not being able to communicate. If something were to happen to him (i.e. he steps on an ant pile, gets stung by a bee, bitten by a snake, falls down etc) how will you know what happened to him and/or where he is injured immediately? What if he fell down and hit his head?
I totally understand having a to-do list- we all do. But, in my opinion, there are things you can get done (i.e. going to the grocery store) with your child and the rest can wait until they either go to bed or until your husband gets home and can take over so you can accomplish the rest. You can wipe down the counter and unload the dishwasher while your child is in the house.
The bottom line is I’m not saying you have to be with your child every waking minute but SOMEONE should be nearby at all times. When he’s older, sure, let him play by himself outside, but in my opinion, children this age still need pretty constant supervision.
I’m mildly humored by the argument that because my child is not speaking in full sentences that I need to be glued to him like a hawk. If he does get stung by a bee, I can assure you’re he’s going to prefer to scream & cry (& therefore send me running). Not stand in the yard saying “Excuse me, mother. But a nasty bee just gave me a sting & it hurts!” at a whisper.
It’s also mildly entertaining that me emptying the dishwasher (2 minutes) & peeking out, then wiping down the counters (1 minute) & peeking out, then swiffering the floors (2 minutes) & peeking out, then heading back outside with him (which is what the article says) has been swept under the rug with the assumption that I’m scrubbing floors upstairs for an hour without checking in on my kid. He has constant supervision – just not constant at-his-elbow hawks eye on him.
Lol at all the ways Christina says you “neglect” your child. Here’s a secret – I “neglect” my child in the same ways, letting him play alone, watch movies, put on DVDs for long cranky car rides, and flipping his door knob so he can’t escape his room before he falls asleep even if it makes him mad.
Personally, I think that flipping the doorknob around is borderline abusive. If something was truly wrong with your child (i.e. he threw up, hurt himself) and he can’t come to you and you think he’s just crying because he doesn’t want to go to bed, well, that is not good.
@Deb, did you read the post on my personal blog where I explained why we flipped the doorknob around?
Or how my bedroom is mere feet from his door, so I can hear everything? Trust me, if my kid pukes in his sleep & wakes up crying, I’m going to hear it. & if he’s crying at all (other than the “I’m pissed off that I’m in bed” cry), then I do go into him.
I think that the only reason you’re throwing around the word “abuse” (which is a VERY powerful & very serious word) is because you’re not fully comprehending the situation. I don’t lock him in the room & put in earbuds & get drunk to ignore him.
I’m not throwing the word around- many people do consider this borderline abuse because the child may feel scared, angry, and helpless being locked in their room. Not to mention that depending on the layout of your home, it could be a potential fire hazard. I don’t understand why someone would do this instead of walking the child back to bed or staying in the room until the child falls asleep. It sounds like you just don’t want to be bothered by the alternatives (and there are many more than I’ve listed here).
And as for Harrison being in the yard, obviously if he’s hurt you will hopefully hear him scream but without the communication skills to immediately tell you what happened, you can lose precious time trying to figure out what the heck happened while you were inside. If he could come running to you crying and saying “Mama, I got bitten by a bee!” instead of just screaming or crying, unable to communicate what happened and you have to figure out what happened by guessing, well, IMO that wouldn’t be a great situation.
I guess I just don’t understand why things like emptying the dishwasher need to be done while he’s outside by himself.
I think you’re begging the argument saying that “because my child isn’t speaking in full sentences” as if THAT would make it okay. It’s not about that but you’re also not the type to admit if you’re wrong or of someone else’s POV maybe hits home with you.
I am not sure what you were expecting when you made this post. I guess praise and high fives and a toast of champagne?
I’m sure you know better than anyone else what is safe for your kid. I have a three year old and I wouldn’t do this because I dont feel he has the maturity to handle things that could happen to him in our yard. I do trust him to play in another room inside the house, because it is child proofed and a more controlled environment.
go on girl. my kid is a little younger than harrison, and i do the same thing you do. i am a SAHM, and I am “engaged” with her nearly 14 hours a day. she doesn’t nap. so every waking hour is spent with me. i love her. i love it. this is the greatest gig in the world. but. if i was actually “engaged” every moment of every day, my house would be a pile of poo (q
it seems like deb is regurgitating christina’s argument a bit, no? listen, i think everyone is getting away from the point of this post….it’s like this- i go over to my girlfriends house yesterday, and her son is 1 year older than my daughter. we sit there watching them play, and i confess to her that i feel so bad because i told my daughter to go away the other day. i’m pregnant and vomiting about 5 times a day and she was in my face while i was getting sick and i needed her out. maybe that’s justifiable, maybe not, but i felt horrible about saying it to her. ( in the moment, i wasn’t thinking of how to tell her in a calm rational way. i was throwing up my one piece of bread i had eaten in 3 days and really needed to do it alone). my friend tells me, “i did the same thing to my kid a week ago.” my point is, i feel like BA didn’t write this to cause trouble or even get praise, but more to share a parenting experience. and isn’t that what the world of mommy blogging is about? sharing parenting. someone else mentioned it, but it is so refreshing to read BA’s blog, because it’s real. i don’t always agree, we don’t do nearly anything the same way, but it makes me feel like i am not the only one fumbling and making my way in this crazy world of poop and pretend. and one other thing-i saw a news bit a couple years ago about a 1 1/5 year old who, in the middle of the night, woke up, got out of bed, walked outside and sat in the middle of the street, almost getting hit by a bus. if keeping a door knob turned around protects your child? then that is the OPPOSITE of neglect. it’s making a responsible decision that keeps your kid alive. we put those impossible to turn door knob thingies on bella’s door (there are no locks on that knob for some reason) and she can’t get out. if there was a fire? i think my mom strength would kick in and i would break the wall down to save her life. and from what *I* have read about BA? she would do the same. so, in the words of every good mannered mother in the world-if you don’t have something nice to say, shove it. thank you and goodnight.
@ Justine I agree 100% with everything you said. Every parent is different and has opinions on what is ‘right’ or wrong. Alexandra said it best, neglect and abuse of children happens all the time. As a former CPS worker it makes me laugh that some moms are clueless to what a neglected and abused child looks like. Please find a hobby other than critizing and judging other moms. It just makes you look insecure about your own parenting. Is BA the ‘ perfect ‘ mother? In your eyes Cristina, no. But to her son she is and THAT is really all that matters.
I do the same thing with my two-year old (soon to be three) She did sneak out to the front yard once, and got a stern talking to. Now she asks if she can go up front before trying to be too “independent.” It was scary at first to let her be out by herself like that, but I realized it was an opportunity for me to sneak in extra time to do those little chores, like unload the dishwasher..
I just won’t to comment on turning the doorknob around. Y’all, this is for the CHILD’S safety. What if there WAS a fire in the house and the alarm went off and your child went running out and you couldn’t find them? In that awful circumstance, you would know where you child was and could go scoop them up.
If you let your child come out of their room at night over and over and you have to be in there with them to get them to go to sleep, you are basically telling them, I don’t believe you are capable of doing this on your own.
My child is still in a crib, but you better believe when she gets in here own bed she will be locked in that room!
Oh, and I don’t think you’re a bad mom for letting him play outside. I let my one year old play all around our house on her own. xo
Number 1 rule of Parenting: to each his own. Unless it came from your uterus, you have no say. Number 2 Rule of Parenting: Unless a question was asked, it’s unsolicited “advice” and that’s just plain annoying, not to mention disrespectful.
If you want to leave your toddler outside alone, that’s your parenting choice. But please don’t leave him out there alone with a dog, especially a large dog like a German Shepherd. You may think that dog is the sweetest animal in the world and have know her for 10 years, but all animals have limits that toddlers just don’t understand.
Neglect?! How do you even deal with these readers? Give me a freaking break.
I feel that everyone parents their own way and their is no right or wrong way to parent. People do what is best for them, their child and their family. We are in 2012 and yes times have changed but kids still need to be kids. I remember when I was a litle girl you got told “go outside and play or you help clean the house”. Kids need fresh air, time to explore and to be independant. Letting your child have time to explore helps them grow as a individual and builds trust. If you are with your child 24/7 then how are they going to learn to do things for themselves along with doing things without you by their side.
Bad things can happen anywhere… Do you let your child play in his/her room alone? What about in the living room while you’re in the kitchen? They can get hurt just as easily in the house as outside the house. Good grief people; ease up.
I can’t speak for myself yet, as my little guy is only 9 months right now, but in regards to H learning to play by himself and keep himself entertained for small periods of time? You go girl. You already wrote that he will be going to preschool soon, and as a former preschool teacher of H’s age group…I thank you. Too many parents now don’t let their kids learn to develop the skills to play on their own, and that means teachers with a class of littles clinging to their legs or following them around the classroom during “center play” wanting teachers to entertain them. As a teacher, we obviously took hours out of the day to specifically work with our classes, but we also HAD (as in, it was a rule) to let them play on their own. It’s part of the development. Also, hate to burst the bubbles of the parents who feel their child needs constant up close and personal entertainment and supervision, but at school, they won’t get it. They will have a teacher who has 10 or more toddlers to keep at once…and he/she will make the rounds of the play area outside continually keeping watch over the class. However, one or two teachers can not keep constant watch over every single child during every. moment. of. the. day. The fact that H is learning to play responsibly and not feel insecure by not having an adult over his shoulder the whole time is going to help him a lot when he does go to school. Also, I do not like the way the word “neglect” and “abuse” is being thrown around on here. Unless you want someone labeling you with that word, don’t dare place that on another momma.
Seriously – you people crack me up. BA – thanks for stirring the pot – always good for a chuckle.
Maybe you all have super toddlers. My son? He is 3.5 and speaks just fine. But when he is pissed or hurt? You can’t get an intelligible word out of that boy! And that in no way affects my ability to assess his needs and take care of him. Shame on you for using Harrison’s speaking ability to call her a “neglectful” mom. My kids are 5 and 3 and you better believe that their little butts spend time outside alone. And they have since the little one was just 2. I love that my kids are having that experience like I did, I honestly don’t remember being supervised outside, ever. My mom could see us and that was good enough. How is it any different to be accross the yard with your back turned? Is it different because Harrison would have to cross the threshold of a door when she is in fact no farther away or less accessible? Your kid can fall off the swing and split their lip open and guess what, you aren’t going to handle the situation differently based on whether you have mulch or soap suds on your hand.
We are all doing what we think and feel is right for OUR children. Unless she is handing her kid a shotgun and telling him to have a good time, how dare you throw around words like abuse and neglect. I would probably have a few choice words to describe your child should I ever meet them. The difference is I am an adult and now how to politely discuss different styles of parenting without needing to make the other mom feel inferior to my awesomeness.
Deb and Christina – you are awesome!
Seriously, this woman posts all of her parenting fails online for the world to see and gets her panties in a wad when someone else makes note of how she is failing once again. Why have the blog and babble posts? To make money. To feel better about yourself since you need so much attention and reassurance. To fill some void in your life since you have so much extra time between being a parent, working, taking care of your home, and having a life outside of all of that.
I do have to add that I love when she posts about how she sat down and spent time with her poor child and enjoyed it and realized something about the kid. Gosh, that is what I do every day with my two girls. I read to them, build puzzles, paint, dig in the sand box, watch movies, play dress up, go for walks, pretend in the kitchen, and so much more. That is what a mother does.
@Heather, I am not upset for someone disagreeing with me. I am upset for the flippant use of “abuse” and “neglect.”
Wait…so you think it’s odd for me to sit down & enjoy my child? You didn’t feel incredible wonder the first time your girls put together a puzzle on their own? Or the first time they took their shoes & socks off by themselves? Or maybe when they started calling you “momma” or “mommy?” You do the same thing, I’m sure. You feel that same connection. I just write about it afterwards.
LOL. Seriously? I desperately wish our yard was fenced so that I could let my two year old play outside while I watch from the kitchen window and GASP, do some dishes. Give me freakin break! That chick makes my skin crawl.
Honestly I think there is a lot of blame to toss around here.
1. Shame on you people throwing out terms like abuse and neglect. We all know better and should do better!
2. BA I don’t think there is anything wrong with your parenting but I do think you were looking to stir the pot a little bit here and shouldn’t be all that shocked by the feedback just considering what you named the post. It pretty much says: “Bring it bitches.”
I have no real opinion on the backyard situation because I haven’t seen the yard and I don’t know her kid. I wouldn’t do it at my house with my kid because it isn’t right for us in our setup but that isn’t to say someone else couldn’t make it work.
However, I do come to Babble and read the blogs for the discussion and to hear the different viewpoints and experiences on parenting and I just wish we could all fight nice here.
I read about half the comments and then had to quit reading them. Guess what people? We are each entitled to raise our children the way that we want to. We are each entitled to say our opinion on the subject. That’s what’s great about this country. However, your opinion (or mine for that matter), isn’t necessarily the right opinion or the right way to do things. It seems that people seem to think that “their way” is the “right way” and everyone else is wrong. No wonder people don’t get along. It’s one of those “agree to disagree” situations. Everyone needs to do what is right for them and their family.
While I did not turn my son’s doorknob around (his doesn’t lock so it’s pointless), for a while we did have a knob cover on the inside so that he couldn’t open it. When he was first getting used to his big boy bed, sometimes we did have to close his door so he would stay in his room. Later, we would open it up. We would have the video monitor turned on so that we could keep an eye on him.
I wish that I could let him go out and play in the yard without me (he’d love it!), but our yard is not fenced, so it’s not an option at this point. Soon though, we will be able to – especially when he is out with the other neighbor kids. There’s always an adult looking on – be it from just inside their screen door or outside. The kids look out for each other, too.
Oh, and I let B have the run of the house when we’re inside. He’s as likely to get hurt when he’s in a different room away from me as he is if he’s playing outside. In my opinion. Which might be different than yours.
As someone who used to work with kids who were actually abused and neglected, it DRIVES ME CRAZY to see people toss around claims of abuse and neglect so freely. BA, I apologize in advance that this is going to be long, but seriously, this pisses me off to no end.
Allowing a 2.5 year old to play alone for 2 minutes in a fenced backyard is not neglect. Here’s why: in Oregon, the legal definition of neglect is “failing to provide adequate food, clothing, shelter, supervision or medical care. Parents must provide adequate supervision, care, guidance and protection to keep children from physical or mental harm. Parents must also provide appropriate treatment for children’s problems. Children will have minor injuries during childhood… a child should not be left in a position of authority or be left alone in situations beyond his ability to handle. Each child must be looked at individually to make sure he or she is physically and emotionally able to handle the given responsibility. The law does not specify the age at which a child can be left alone. However, a child under 10 cannot be left unattended for such a period of time as may likely endanger their health or welfare .”
Now, I’m sure that some of you tossing around claims of “abuse” and “neglect” will say that leaving a 2.5 year old child alone for two minutes in the fenced backyard would be a sufficient amount of time to likely endanger their health or welfare…but you’re wrong. Pertaining to the definition of neglect, in State v. McLaughlin, 42 Or App (1979), the mother left her children with her husband, who had a history of violence, in order to run an errand. Despite the fact that a caseworker had warned the mother that leaving her children alone with her husband was a substantial risk to their health and well-being, the situation was NOT found to be a situation that fulfilled the requirements of neglect because the offense of neglect requires proof that:1) leaving child unattended was likely to endanger health and welfare of child; 2) risk of harm occurring was substantial and unjustifiable; and 3) defendants lack of awareness of risk of harm was gross deviation from normal standard of care. State v. Paragon, 195 Or App (2004).
If that’s not neglect, then letting your kiddo play alone outside while you wipe down the counter isn’t neglect either. It just isn’t. And calling this PARENTING CHOICE neglect just because it’s different than the choice you’d make does a disservice to all children out there who really are victims of abuse and neglect because it minimizes their experiences. UGH.
::stands up & effing cheers for Meredith::
You can disagree with me. But DO NOT call me a child abuser or neglectful mother. Those are serious terms.
This comment stream is unbelievable! To each his own. If you don’t believe in letting your kids play in a safe environment without hovering over their every move, that is fine. If you believe in giving your kids the space and independence to do this, then great!
I let my children (2 and 3) play outside while I’m inside, with the windows and doors open, less than 10 feet away. They love the autonomy and I know they are safe. Just as BA knows her son is safe.
And if “locking” your child in his room is abuse, then what is a crib? They are confined in a crib and unable to run to mom and dad when they are sad, or sick. And speaking from experience, they cry no matter what.
Geesh! People! You HATE when people tell you how to parent, so stop criticizing someone else’s safe choices. If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all. People like commenter Christina are just looking for drama, why else would she be reading, commenting and following a Twitter stream of someone she so wholeheartedly disagrees with.
I second everything Meredith has said.
Everyone is entitled to their opinions and their own parenting styles. At the same time, everyone is entitled to comment with their own opinions on posts such as this. The problem here and the thing that gets under my skin personally is when people, particulary mothers, think that it is ok to blatantly criticize and accuse other mothers of doing something wrong, when it obviously isn’t. It’s just different than how you would do it.
I hate to get all puppies and rainbows about it, but I really wish as mothers we could come together for the common good and support eachother in our differences, and maybe even learn from them. That doesn’t mean we change what we do necessarily, but maybe we would in some cases. I can’t for the life of me figure out why when some women become mothers, they revert back to petty, Jr. High girl-like behavior…probably because they never stopped acting that way.
The dialogue here is not constructive and some of the comments don’t even offer a simple opposing opinion on the matter. It is hurtful and hateful and quite obviously stems from some serious insecurities and something that must have taken place prior to this post, which annoys me. Don’t drag your baggage into public forum. If you personally do not like someone, or have some pent up anger toward them, do us all a favor and stop reading their blog and their posts. Thanks.
#1. Your two year old doesn’t know where his elbow is? Pshaw, my kid must be a GENIUS.
#2. What’s the difference between letting them play alone in their room while you wipe the counters vs. outside where you can actually SEE them? Or how about while you’re physically outside with them mulching or reading a book? Are you going to see immediately what happened to them if they get stung by a bee or trip and fall? You must be reading a pretty crappy book and not really absorbing any of it or have a second set of eyes or something.
Neglect? Give me a break.
” I read to them, build puzzles, paint, dig in the sand box, watch movies, play dress up, go for walks, pretend in the kitchen, and so much more. That is what a mother does.”
Please tell me that you aren’t doing this all the time and they know how to do these things on their own. I got tired just reading it! I’m at the point if I have to play one more stinkin game of Candy Land, it’s going to be mysteriously sent back to the North Pole!! (this being said by a girl that did the same thing to her parents and was told to go out side and play!!!)
And, BA… BEST LINE EVER!!! “Excuse me, mother. But a nasty bee just gave me a sting & it hurts!” I could totally see H saying this in a Stewie voice! lol
Oh and I would kill for a fenced in yard!!!! My guy wants to go outside and play constantly and I would love to let him run free like I did as a child but, just don’t have the luxury with our yard.
I have been reading your blog for a long time and I really like you and your blog however I have to say I strongly disagree with this. I completly agree with you that children need time to themselves to just play by themselves but I dont think outside in the backyard is the place for that. There are so many elements that can not be controlled outside. Like I said before I really do like you and think you are doing a great job at this motherhood thing but I think Harrison is too young to be playing outside by himself.
@Jessica and BA: My point was that you feel the need to write about these every day activities that all parents do (or would like to do) with their children on your freaking blog. And the way in which you write about the event is like it is the first time you are sitting down to play cars with your child. It just strikes me as odd the way that you choose to write about it, not the fact that you do, just your delivery. And it irritates me that you get so upset when people criticize you online. I too suffered from horrible PPD/psychosis and I can’t imagine letting strangers and their opinions and words get to me at this point, I am fighting with myself to be strong for my family and my children and I could care less what other mothers feel about my actions at this point. My focus is on more important things and I sometimes wish yours was too. I just want to fight for you to be stronger and more confident some times.
And dear god NO I do NOT spend every second with my girls and I encourage them to play on their own and together, in fact there are times that I demand it. My kids play in the backyard alone for a few minutes while I run inside to get juice and snacks or sidewalk chalk or band-aids or answer the phone, but I do not come inside to do something else inside the house, I prefer to be outside with them since it always seems that someone gets hurt or upset in the backyard.
IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT DON’T READ IT
There is no abuse or neglect going on here. Some parents are overprotective. Some parents are lax. When she stops feeding Harrison, or when he shows up in the ER with a skull fracture and 2 broken legs “because he tripped”, or he is beaten down with derogatory comments, then get up on your high horse and call her out. Until then, shut it.
I am by no means a helicopter parent but I think this is very wrong. I read every word you wrote twice and still cannot make any of these scenarios okay in my mind. Not at 2 years old, anyway. I respect your choice to parent the way you wish and just hope that nothing goes wrong.
But I would encourage you to not leave him outside with the dog. The worst accidents can happen with even the best family dog. Please reconsider leaving your child unattended for any length of time with the dog.
FWIW, I don’t find your actions to be neglectful – perhaps naive – but not intentionally neglectful. It’s obvious to anyone that reads your blog that you adore your son and that he is well cared for.
didn’t anyone’s mother’s teach them the golden rule?! “IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO DAY, DO NOT SAY ANYTHING AT ALL!”
Jeepers, leave the poor girl alone.
BA: you’re a great mother, you’re a real mother. personally, I get annoyed by all these mother’s that claim to be so perfect, playing with their children all the time, baking, doing crafts etc. Can we all just get real?! If I didn’t leave my kid alone all day, I wouldn’t get any house work done. And I am not about to wait until he is in bed, because then I go to bed too! Keep on keeping on, and doing what is best for YOUR family!
She writes a MOMMY BLOG – and it’s so annoying that she writes about her experiences as a MOMMY? Really? My lord, if I took that much issue or felt irritated by reading BA’s blog or how she responds to criticism, I just wouldn’t read it. Why waste the time reading, commenting and responding to comments about someone whose writing style you don’t like, and whose parenting style you don’t agree with? It seems more exhausting than all of the activities times a million you do with your children on a daily basis!
I do not think that there is ever anything that justifies making comments that are negative and using words that only exist to tear people down.
It is one thing to voice an opinion and it is something completely different to judge someone or ridicule them because of your differing opinion.
End. Of. Story.
Oh please, people. There’s nothing wrong with letting your child have some independence while you watch over them. Even at 2.5. And being able to entertain yourself is a really important skill to have.
But (and I hesitate to say this because I know I probably won’t change any minds) as someone who was bitten (30 stitches in the mouth) by my family dog who “just snapped” one day, please rethink leaving dogs and small children alone. I know you think it won’t happen, but it can.
I wasn’t going to respond after reading so many pro and con arguments against this blog post, but I have come back to it several times as I am recovering from surgery and have a lot of time to think. What I want to focus on here is the driven need to post hateful/judgmental comments.
What is a blog?–a Web site containing the writer’s or group of writers’ own experiences, observations, opinions, etc., and often having images and links to other Web sites. (dictionary.com). We need to realize here that BA writes her experiences etc. so that others may identify or learn from them, so others can form a community, and also for loved ones to keep up with their lives. Or perhaps, so that she can have a record of things she’s learned or thought about. Perhaps she simply enjoys writing about parenting. It is not wrong to have a differing opinion against any topic, though I noticed that many of the comments were not only against BA’s parenting style but her writing style and lifestyle, and they were downright harsh, accusatory, and hurtful. This is the internet; there are things on here that would offend Satan himself if one believes in him. It is your own responsibility to guard what you look at or read about. There is always something to be said for constructive criticism, but it never needs to go any further. If you read something you do not agree with or do not like, you have the choice to move on and continue no further with something you once loved, or use it to solidify your own ideal that what you do in life is what you should be doing. That’s a basic way to respect an author. It should be obvious that none of us reads each article with the same “glasses” on (So to speak). The writer has her own perspective, the readers also a different perspective, and each of our life experiences change how we write things, read things, interpret things. To point out also, when we read a personal account we are only shown a glimpse of the true scheme. We were not there witnessing everything 1st hand, we are kindly being let in to a small percent of something that was important to someone.
The pen is mightier than the sword and words can cut sharper than a blade. It is wise and prudent of anyone to contemplate what they type or speak before it is finished and out for the world to see for eternity. Blogs are opinion based and this has certainly NOT taken on the cover of a bona fide intellectual journal. No one here has stated they have an EdD. or a PsyD. We as fellow human beings have a duty to respect our differences, especially in such delicate matters as parenting. There is NO right way to parent, there are legal ways of course and when you throw allegations around flippantly people and their children are likely to get hurt. There is never a need to be cutting, demanding, or rude.
All this to say, Note: Babble is a supportive, diverse community. We encourage a range of opinions,
but any unduly hostile comments will be removed.