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Please Let Me Wipe Your Poop! and 7 Other Sentences I Never Dreamed I'd Say Before Becoming a Mom

By Monica Bielanko |

Where did you get that? That's not a toy! Well, it is but it's mama's toy!

Yesterday, in the span of one hour, I pretty much said every sentence you’re about to read.

I was bathing my daughter Violet while trying to keep an eye on Henry and get myself ready for the day.  Ambitious of me, I know.

As most moms who are home with their kids all day can attest, a five minute shower wherein you barely manage to shave your pits and your legs from the knee down is considered a rousing success.

But as moms can also know, A LOT can go down during that five minutes you’re trying to focus on yourself.  And this is just five minutes, people!  During an entire day some of the wild stuff that I hear coming out of my mouth surprises even me!

Behold!  Begging someone to please let me wipe their ass and 7 other insane things I find myself shouting on a fairly regular basis.

Oy vey.


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Let Me Wipe Your Poop!

For The Tenth Time, Leave My Tampons Alone!

Kid with banged up forehead eating tampons. Mother of the year over here, people.

You can also find Monica Bielanko on her personal blog, The Girl Who.

Also for your Toddler Times reading pleasure:

Easter 2012 at the Bielankos

Pre-Chewing Baby’s Food: 7 Disgusting Things Moms Do With Their Toddlers


15 things you should NEVER do with a toddler
10 toddler personalities you’re kids will meet on the playground
The 15 creepiest, weirdest dolls…EVER
15 memories from childhood our kids won’t have 
10 places I don’t want to see your kids (or mine) 

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About Monica Bielanko


Monica Bielanko

Monica Bielanko was raised on the wild frontier of late 1970's Utah. She is a recovering Mormon who married the guitar player of an unknown band. She's been married to her Babble Voices writing partner, Serge Bielanko, for the past nine years. Her personal blog, The Girl Who was in the top ten of last year's Top 50 list. Read bio and latest posts → Read Monica's latest posts →

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13 thoughts on “Please Let Me Wipe Your Poop! and 7 Other Sentences I Never Dreamed I'd Say Before Becoming a Mom

  1. sarah l says:

    Ha! I’m pretty sure I say all of these on a daily basis too…

  2. Dana says:

    Yesterday I had to tell my son, who will be 2 tomorrow, to quit playing with my butt crack. I was getting the water ready to get in the shower and he kept sticking his fingers in my butt. He, of course, thought it was hilarious.

  3. MonicaBielanko says:

    @Dana – Laughed out loud at this one! “Stop sticking your fingers in my butt!”

  4. Courtney B-W says:

    lmao! I have to tell my son that. And I have to tell him to keep his hands out of my shirt….he will be 4 in july

  5. Tara says:

    My boys are 4 and 2 1/2. They think their penis is just the coolest build in toy ever. One day it occured to my 2 year old that his brother had one too as he reached in his brothers pants to see it. When I come in a say “Aiden, stop that, only mommy touches his penis”. As I said that too myself I couldn’t help but laugh. I also say on a pretty regular basis “stop pinching your nipples”. My 4 year old says he doesn’t like them and he is going to take them off. @dana.. LMAO

  6. Shantel says:

    My son is 4 and it isn’t so much what I say to him, it’s what HE says to me! Almost daily I get, “mom, I had a wet fart. Can you wipe my butt?” Then he proceeds to bend over and wait for me to wipe his butt!
    Kids. Lol.

  7. Karen says:

    Because I think the author only has one, you don’t have any of the great sibling interactions, like, “don’t put ______ in your brother’s ______” There have been infinite combinations there of.

  8. Shandeigh says:

    Mine is licking stuff… I never thought I’d have to say “Stop licking XXXX” fifty times a day. He tried to lick the tires on the car this morning…

  9. Amy says:

    The worst thing I ever had to say to my 3 year old was, “Why did you stick the bathtub crayon up your butt?” That lime green crayon did make an appearance a few days later, and then I had to tell my husband who “thought he might have seen it” that he actually had to dig through the poop and check. I’m almost certain that those “What To Expect” books do not cover teaching your child not to stick something up her ass.

  10. Frances says:

    Um…ladies, it never stops. My son, who is 6’6″ tall at 16, has gotten the idea in his head that his abs are crooked and his navel is off center. We don’t have a full length mirror in our house for him to fully see his torso, so instead he takes my iPhone and takes massive amounts of naked torso pictures of himself. And doesn’t tell me. So who looks like a horrendous pedophile as I scroll through my phone pictures??? I am surprised I haven’t been arrested. When I asked him to either stop or at the very least delete after he has viewed the latest check of this stupid obsession because people are going to think I am a naked teenage boy obsessed sicko, his response: I don’t know what you are worried about, just tell people that is your son!

    I am sure the police will totally buy that story! I am telling you, motherhood is not for the weak!!!

  11. Tachia says:

    When my daughter was two she went through this stage of peeing in the oddest places. Almost like she was practicing her aim.
    She came out of our bedroom one day and was pulling up her pants. I asked her what she was doing, her response “I peed in your shoe”. I thought I couldn’t have heard her right so I asked again and finally said show me.
    Sure enough she had peed in one of my canvas sneakers. I asked her why and she just shrugged and ran out the door to play.
    I was actually speechless.

  12. Nic says:

    Things I have said in the past two weeks (to my two and six year old):
    “Why is there a giraffe in your diaper?”
    “Please stop licking the TV.”
    “Don’t put the: shark, dog food, wet wipe, gold fish up your nose.”
    “Forks are for eating not for brushing the dog.”
    While referring to an ultimately doomed beetle, “Ahh! It’s still alive spit it out quick!”
    “But you’re not supposed to write on your bum with a Sharpie.” This was said after my six year old (who refuses to even try to wipe his own butt) tried to write, “I love you Mom” on his backside so I would feel better about wiping it!

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