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Please Let Me Wipe Your Poop! and 7 Other Sentences I Never Dreamed I'd Say Before Becoming a Mom

Where did you get that? That's not a toy! Well, it is but it's mama's toy!

Yesterday, in the span of one hour, I pretty much said every sentence you’re about to read.

I was bathing my daughter Violet while trying to keep an eye on Henry and get myself ready for the day.  Ambitious of me, I know.

As most moms who are home with their kids all day can attest, a five minute shower wherein you barely manage to shave your pits and your legs from the knee down is considered a rousing success.

But as moms can also know, A LOT can go down during that five minutes you’re trying to focus on yourself.  And this is just five minutes, people!  During an entire day some of the wild stuff that I hear coming out of my mouth surprises even me!

Behold!  Begging someone to please let me wipe their ass and 7 other insane things I find myself shouting on a fairly regular basis.

Oy vey.

 


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  • For The Tenth Time, Leave My Tampons Alone! 1 of 8
    For The Tenth Time, Leave My Tampons Alone!
    Kid with banged up forehead eating tampons. Mother of the year over here, people.
  • That’s Not a Toy! Well, It Is But It’s MAMA’S Toy! 2 of 8
    That's Not a Toy! Well, It Is But It's MAMA'S Toy!
    Nothing in life will ever prepare you for the moment you cherub-cheeked, innocent child comes toddling out of the bedroom wielding something they dug out of your nightstand. Is nothing private anymore? Seriously!
    Photo Credit: Flickr.com
  • See! Look at My Peepee. Okay, Here It Comes! Wipe, Wipe, Wipe. Now Flush! Bye Bye Toilet Paper! 3 of 8
    See! Look at My Peepee. Okay, Here It Comes! Wipe, Wipe, Wipe. Now Flush! Bye Bye Toilet Paper!
    Who ever thinks they'll spend their days excitedly narrating their trips to the bathroom? And yet it's how I spend most bathroom visits. Here it comes! It is still beyond me how, at the first sound of my peepee, Violet's face lights up like Christmas morning. You refuse to watch Toy Story but this you love? Yeesh.
  • Can I Just Pee in Peace?! Just Two Minutes of Peaceful Peeing, PLEASE? 4 of 8
    Can I Just Pee in Peace?! Just Two Minutes of Peaceful Peeing, PLEASE?
    If I do manage to lock the kids in the playroom and sneak away for some mom time one of the dogs head butts his way into the bathroom.
    Photo Credit: Flickr.com
  • Dammit! Come Back and Let Me Wipe Your Poop 5 of 8
    Dammit! Come Back and Let Me Wipe Your Poop
    Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would beg someone to please let me wipe their dirty ass. And yet it occurs on a fairly regular basis around these parts.
  • Can You Pee For Me? Please? Just a Little Bit? 6 of 8
    Can You Pee For Me? Please? Just a Little Bit?
    It sounds like a line from a bad porn featuring some weird golden shower fetishist, but no. It's an every day occurrence at our house and let me tell you, it is anything but sexy.
    Photo Credit: Flickr.com
  • Let Me Get That Booger For You, Hold Still! 7 of 8
    Let Me Get That Booger For You, Hold Still!
    Seriously? This is what life is now? Begging someone to please let me pick their nose or clean their ear wax? No wonder I look forward to cocktail hour like a death row inmate anticipating his last meal.
    Photo Credit: Flickr.com
  • Who’s Been Playing With the Toilet Paper? 8 of 8
    Who's Been Playing With the Toilet Paper?
    How many times do I need to tell you that the toilet paper is off limits? It's not like it grows on trees! Wait. That's not right. BUT STILL.

You can also find Monica Bielanko on her personal blog, The Girl Who.

Also for your Toddler Times reading pleasure:

Easter 2012 at the Bielankos

Pre-Chewing Baby’s Food: 7 Disgusting Things Moms Do With Their Toddlers

MORE ON BABBLE:

15 things you should NEVER do with a toddler
10 toddler personalities you’re kids will meet on the playground
The 15 creepiest, weirdest dolls…EVER
15 memories from childhood our kids won’t have 
10 places I don’t want to see your kids (or mine) 

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