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The 15 Hardest Things About Raising a Toddler

Logic does not exist in Toddler Land.

Parenting is kicking my ass lately, you guys.

We don’t have any family that helps us out and babysitters are expensive, so the unrelenting grind of parenthood has quickly become overwhelming.

My increasing consumption of alcohol in the evening hours is directly related to spending my days trying to not only keep alive two toddlers, but teach them and help them thrive in this life. But, well, communicating with what amounts to two, tiny people who are completely and utterly illogical and prone to freak outs on an epic scale can be taxing, you know?

I mean, yes, toddlers are adorable (when they’re not yours) but dealing with two irrational, demanding human beings, one of whom still poops his pants, can be brain-frazzling.

Instead of heading to the store to purchase a six-pack, I decided to vent my frustration on you poor people. Here then are the 15 hardest things about raising a toddler, or in my case, two of ‘em!

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  • Unrelenting Parenting 1 of 15
    Unrelenting Parenting
    Turn your back for three seconds and this happens. And this is mild. Bad things happen. We hear the stories all the time. Even if you work in a tiny cubicle under crappy fluorescent lighting you still have a lunch break and get to go home at the end of the day. Parenting never, ever stops. It can be overwhelming.
  • The Constant Chase 2 of 15
    The Constant Chase
    Henry, don't touch that! Henry, get off the table! Henry, where are you going? Henry, get back here! Henry, get out of the dog food! Henry, don't drink the dog's water! Henry, get off the table! Henry, get off the table!
  • Getting Out Of The House/Being Out Of The House 3 of 15
    Getting Out Of The House/Being Out Of The House
    The hours between 6am and 9am are the worst for me. The grind of feeding, cleaning and dressing two toddlers and then hauling them out of the house with the proper toddler accoutrements and strapping them into their seats just about does me in. All this, to get out of the house. But once we're out of the house the whining, tantrums and chasing makes me want to go right back home and throw them in front of the TV so I can go cry on my bed.
  • Eating 4 of 15
    Eating
    If I'm not worried about all the crap they're eating I'm worried about all the stuff they're not eating. I can't win. Best advice I ever head: feed them healthy food and if they don't eat, screw 'em. They'll eat when they're hungry.
  • Low Self-Esteem 5 of 15
    Low Self-Esteem
    You have to be on your parenting game when dealing with toddlers. They are sneaky, wily sons of guns. And yet, I find this period of time a point at which my self-esteem is at its lowest both physically and mentally. The baby weight should be gone - it's not. I should have more energy because they're sleeping more at night than they did when they were babies - I don't. I'm MORE tired. I should trust my judgment more because I'm a couple years into this whole thing but I don't. I just end up constantly questioning my parenting decisions because these years are so formative.
  • Getting Them To Sleep 6 of 15
    Getting Them To Sleep
    Can I have a glass of water? Just one more story? Can I sleep in your room? And then, when you can't take it another second and snap at them to "Just please, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GO TO SLEEP!" you have an hour of tears (theirs and yours) to deal with.
  • Tantrums (Duh) 7 of 15
    Tantrums (Duh)
    Do I really need to elaborate here? I've said it before and I'll say it again: why waterboard terrorists? Just put them in charge of a group of cranky toddlers for 24 hours and they'll talk in no time.
  • Physical Abuse 8 of 15
    Physical Abuse
    I'm still not used to just being belted in the face for no good reason. Hell, I'm not used to being belted in the face at all. And my son is all the time using his big bony noggin as a weapon. He'll be sitting quietly in my lap and suddenly launch his head right into my jaw. What's the deal with that? And the biting? Why do they look so surprised when I bite them back?
  • Consistency and Follow-Through 9 of 15
    Consistency and Follow-Through
    I am the queen of idle threats. At this point my kids just laugh at me and continue reigning terror upon the land. Also? It's SO much easier to just give them what they want so they stop crying.
  • Lack of Logic 10 of 15
    Lack of Logic
    This lack of logic affects ever interaction you have with your toddler and colors all communication with frustration. Why did you just slam your brother's head into the floor? I don't know. And trying to explain to a small child why they can't have a cupcake for dinner is an exercise in futility.
  • Patience 11 of 15
    Patience
    My daughter insists on doing everything for herself except she sucks at doing everything. Do you know how much willpower it takes to stand there silently while she tries to put on her own underwear and we're 10 minutes late for pre-school? And if I try and help it only makes her take them off and redo it herself? She must open the door for herself. She must climb down out of the car herself. She must put on her shoes by herself. She must fix her oatmeal by herself. My entire day is spent waiting for her to do everything by herself.
  • Grown-Up Sized Poop 12 of 15
    Grown-Up Sized Poop
    Baby poop is adorable for about two days but once they're onto solids - oh my God - I did not sign up for that! Never did I think I would have to wrestle another human being while screaming "Please let me change your poop!"
  • Potty Training 13 of 15
    Potty Training
    Not to mention trying to teach a wild animal to crap in a hole. I think I'd have an easier time training my dog to poop in the toilet.
  • High Maintenance 14 of 15
    High Maintenance
    He must constantly be under surveillance. He demands milk every ten minutes. His ears accumulate wax like I don't know what, it's frightening really. His diaper needs constant changing. His fingernails grow like weeds and I feel like MacGuyver trying to dismantle a bomb whenever I'm forced to clip them. He cries a lot and I don't know why. Maybe it's because he wants a toy, maybe he doesn't like his shoes, maybe he wants to go outside. Maybe he remember something scary from last week - WHO THE HELL KNOWS?
  • They Grow Up Too Fast 15 of 15
    They Grow Up Too Fast
    But damn. Aren't they the greatest? Blink your eyes and it will all be memories that you look back on as the most joyous part of your life.

Read more from Monica on Toddler Times:

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11 mistakes all parents make (even the perfect ones)
15 things NOT to do with a toddler
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14 things I’ll actually miss about the toddler years
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