Are All Toddlers Psychopaths?
The 16-point checklist for truly terrible twos
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In 1980 Robert Hare, a professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia,developed a 16-point checklist for determining whether a person was technically a psychopath. After taking a look at this list, and taking a look at the daily behavior of my two toddler girls, I can only conclude one thing: a psychopath is just really a person who has never grown out of the toddler stage. While I dont live in fear of my kids going on a violent rampage (unless it involves not liking their dinner) the similarities between what makes someone a psychopath and what makes someone a toddler are striking. Dont believe me? Im willing to bet youll change your mind when you read the list below and my totally scientific evidence.
What's the difference between a toddler and a psychopath? Apparently, not too much. -
Superficial charm & average intelligence
While I admit that toddlers do display some charm, let's be honest, it has its limits (especially when its being used to wake you up). As for intelligence, most toddlers I know can't count to ten without repeating the number "eight" three or four times.
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Lack of psychosis
I've checked, and no psychologist will diagnose either of my children with a severe mental disorder, no matter how hard I insist.
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Lack of anxiety
Okay, maybe some toddlers actually have anxiety, but when the bribe of a Sleeping Beauty gownconvinced my then three-year-old daughter to sleep through the night, my sympathy for her "sleep anxiety fell a little.
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Unreliability
Will the little one get dressed without a colossal freak-out today? Will the four-year-old head to preschool without a tantrum? We never know
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Dishonesty & insincerity
Both of my children lie completely void of any regret or responsibility. "Did you finish your veggies?" and they nod their heads while hiding the carrot sticks under the table. -
Lack of remorse and guilt
About anything, really. Hitting you, hitting each other, hitting their own little heads on the ground (weve seen this).
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Inadequately motivated antisocial behavior (meaning they commit crimes for no apparent reason)
During the throes of toddlerhood, both of my children have run to me with brilliant smiles on their faces, and then bit my legs. I dont know if it gets more antisocial than that. -
Poor judgment and inability to learn from experience
No matter how many times I have told the toddler that she cannot fit into the newborn size t-shirt I have demoted to the babydoll dress-up box, she still insists on forcing it over her large head then throwing a demonic fit when it gets stuck between her forehead and nose. -
Narcissism and an inability to love
Okay, fine, the love thing might be covered, but both of my tots firmly believe that my life stops while they are at preschool. -
Poverty of affect
Does your toddler have a job?
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Gross lack of insight
Why is dog barking? Why is cold? Why is sky? (I could go on)
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Unresponsiveness in general interpersonal relations
"Good morning, honey!"
"WAHHHHH!!!! I don't like you! Go away!" -
Fantastic & uninviting behavior with drink & sometimes without
Even without a drink, toddlers will start throwing tantrums and causing mayhem.
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Empty suicidal threats
Okay, suicidal might be a bit heavy. That said, once my first became a threenager she began insinuating that she will run away and live with Grandma Sharon if she has to wash her hair.
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Immature sex life
Thank god for this one!
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Failure to plan ahead
Do you know a toddler that thinks beyond THIS SECOND? Wait, correction: Do you know a toddler who thinks beyond THIS SECOND when it doesnt involve getting a cookie in the next second?
This is funny when you think about toddlers… but so scary when you think about adults… YIKES!
That’s not what poverty of affect means
This is one of the least funniest articles I’ve read on child behavior. It also felt a little rushed as each example was short, ill-researched and lacking in comedic examples. Poverty of affect doesn’t mean someone is poor and narcissism wouldn’t leave your kids thinking about your day, it would keep them thinking about themselves. This article reeks of link baiting — catchy title, not much content.
Sounds like my ex.
Shh. .z
Um, I have a toddler, I thought this was hilarious. HILARIOUS. The end.
My brother is an actual psychopath, but he couldn’t be diagnosed until he was older, because (said the clinicians) smaller kids don’t necessarily comprehend lying; you have to be older to do that. A silly article, I know – but an interesting perspective, if you’ve ever dealt with a real psychopath.
I love the idea behind this and it may even have some validity, but I feel like the author didn’t actually read Hare’s book. A number of Hare’s characteristics don’t mean what this author thinks they mean.
My daughter laughs when she walks up to bite me on the knees. I could be just sitting there and she will just walk up and take bite. Then she’ll run away laughing expecting me to chase her. If I don’t she’ll come back and do it again.
I liken toddlers to tiny drunk people, wobbling along singing and giggling one minute and passionately crying the next.
This is too funny. Of course it is “tongue in cheek,” so anyone who takes it seriously should seek professional help. What’s sad is when you live with an adult who exhibits these behaviors. It’s like staring at a toddler trapped in a 43-year-old man’s body. Tantrums, name-calling, lack of empathy, selfishness…you name it. But at least I don’t have to wipe his ass or bathe him.
Am I the only one who doesn’t get this article? Too many of these examples sound like the author is reaching to try and make a point. None of this made sense to me, sorry. Bye, bye Babble, I can’t take another worthless slideshow.
I think it is just your kids who are psychopaths. The rest of the world’s children are just fine. And P.S. If children had an inability to learn from experience, we would all be psychopaths by now.
I agree, too much of a reach. And someone should look these over before they’re published. The “poverty of affect” mistake is an embarrassment. (But of course if she’d defined it correctly, it would have disproved her already-shaky premise, because toddlers are FULL of affect!)
Why is everyone take this so seriously?? She is being somewhat satirical and humorous in her points!!!!!! I can totally relate to all these points… even though sometimes my toddler is a little angel, she is absolutely a psychopath too! Thanks for the laughs!
Interesting .Good post.
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I KNEW people would be bitching and taking this seriously… good grief, it’s HUMOROUS! Yes, I laughed and I think it’s spot on.
This is hilarious if you have a toddler! I do! Don’t take it too seriously, people! This isn’t a psychology journal, after all!
Wow…some people really don’t get satire, do they? Look it up, folks. It’s a HUMOR piece. The author does not really believe her toddlers, or anyone else’s, are psychopaths. Geez, get an education, people.
If you don’t get it than you don’t spend enough time with your kids.
THis is Hillarious!! This is MY kids!!
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eh im guessing she got the crazys from me, and damn proud of it too.
I know a thing or two about psychopaths and this was not too far off the mark even though it was meant to be tongue in cheek. One thing I DO know is that psychopaths do NOT get humor. Yes there are things that they consider funny, usually slapstick, or people getting hurt seems hilarious to them. But the higher level, tongue in cheek stuff, goes over their heads. As far as poverty of affect, the two year old and the psychopath has the same poverty of affect. It means they will RAGE one minute and forget all about it 30 minutes later. During the rage, or whatever other emotion they are portraying, you are overwhelmed with shock and awe at the over-the-top display of emotion. But it was never real, it was all a show and a little while later, it’s as if it had never happened. THAT is poverty of affect.
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