My Kids a Bully
So why am I proud?
The comments from parents started accumulating. They were typically delivered through fake baby talk directed at my son but were clearly aimed at me.
“There’s your friend Christopher, the little bruiser,” said one mom.
“Are you guys going to play nice today?” asked another while eyeing my son.
Then there was the call from the daycare supervisor. “Mr. Shields, there is no need to be alarmed, but we wanted to call to your attention that Christopher bit someone today.”
While my son’s obvious pattern of baby-on-baby violence was certainly concerning, perhaps more alarming was my first reaction. “Cool,” I thought.
I really strive not to be a competitive parent. I didn’t get envious when a friend’s child moved onto sippy cups faster than Christopher (I was reasonably certain that he would eventually master using straws – in fact, I don’t think I’ve ever met any adult that can’t). After doctor’s visits, I don’t run out and brag about his development like other parents (his head size is in the 95th percentile!).
But Christopher, from around the three-month mark, has always been big for his age. He was wearing 12-month clothes at six months. Based on his grandparents’ scientific assessments, he is projecting to be 6-foot-4 and NFL-ready. At a certain point during his daycare tenure, he went from being the docile baby sleeping in the corner to throwing his weight around. When the daycare attendants write in his daily reports that we “had to speak to Christopher again today about using ‘nice hands’ and not pulling hair,” instead of feeling mortified, I kind of got off on it. What the hell is wrong with me?
At first, Christopher’s rapid growth and heavy appetite was just a source of amusement among family members. Look at the beast suck down that formula! Please don’t bite mommy’s boob, baby. Those NB onesies are already too small? How much did he weigh at the doctor?
But as Christopher started getting older, his size and strength started becoming a weird source of pride – at least for me. “You’re damn right he can already roll over!” I thought. “We’ve really emphasized the tummy time from day one, and it’s clearly paying off.”
When we got his daycare class picture, in which Christopher wears a stark frown and a cut on his cheek, we were thrilled rather than appalled. Naturally, baby badass is framed on my desk at work. I love the comments from co-workers.
Christopher’s daycare friend – the boy whose parents made the remark about playing nice – is about his age but is much smaller. This kid never learned to crawl – and doesn’t walk yet at 12 months (Christopher was walking at ten months). Instead, this baby, let’s call him Caden, does this weird scoot thing that seems like a cross between a frog jump and a dog wiping himself on the carpet. Man, did this make me feel superior whenever Caden’s parents get to see Christopher walking around (and probably pushing around) their kid. It’s not as though I deserve any credit. I haven’t been reading up on how to get your baby to walk early, nor have I put him through basic training drills at the jungle gym – God knows I’m too lazy for that. He’s just a strong kid who is developing physically quickly (even though his language skills are not).
Maybe that explains some of my perverse satisfaction from Christopher’s heft. On one level it’s plain insulting to hear from parents that your kid is viewed as the playroom brute, especially when they are so passive-aggressive about it. It’s not his fault – as if you can control the impulses of your toddler.
But on a deeper level, maybe I feel like we deserved some luck with Christopher. When my wife was going into labor, she was hit with preeclampsia, for which she received a steady stream of magnesium. Thus, when he was born, Christopher immediately was rushed to intensive care to get calcium via an IV. A subsequent IV infiltration led to a serious burn on Christopher’s left hand, an ambulance transfer, five days in the hospital, and multiple visits to a plastic surgeon.
Then, after coming home from the hospital, we were hit with three months of severe colic, which nearly ruined our first impressions of parenthood.
So with Christopher built to kick ass and take baby names, there is probably a sense of “Hey, at least we got a break with something. At least he’s okay on this front.” Maybe Christopher isn’t going to have to worry about being the scrawny kid in school, instead being the big guy everyone likes (or fears – wait, no, I don’t want that).
But maybe this intense fatherly pride is really about misplaced redemption. You probably won’t be surprised to hear that I was in fact bullied and mocked in school growing up. I was far from athletic. I was pushed around at times – or simply dismissed. I wonder if I’m simply projecting my school fantasies onto Christopher, hopeful that he won’t have to experience the same “look-at-the-nerd-who-can’t-do-a-pull-up” tragedies that I did. We all want to protect our kids from the suffering we experienced. I just might be taking it a bit far.
But all joking aside, I know that life is more than just fitting in socially, and I look forward to being able to be proud of him for all the other things – large and small – that he does in life. (Like, say, using a spoon to eat faster than that annoying little girl at daycare. Ha!). I also realize that what has been funny and pride-inducing at daycare is starting to get just a little bit embarrassing in public settings, like when Christopher greets my friend’s six-month-old by grabbing her face.
But for now, former-dork Daddy loves having a little bruiser, even if he is the terror of the sandbox.
I’m glad for the last few paragraphs that somewhat redeemed some qualities that really had me worried. But, I still have some concerns. For one, you said you strive not to be competitive, but then made fun of the baby that scoots and using a spoon faster than another girl. Totally contradictory. But, more worrisome, is how EYE must parent my own kids in the face of kids like yours. In general, when my kid is being bullied, I rely on the other kid’s parent to at least tell the kid it’s not all right, but more hopefully, actually pull the kid away and teach him the right way to act. Then at least my kids get to see that being bullied is not acceptable to anyone. But, if it’s okay with you that your kid is a bully, what lesson does that send to the other kids? What lesson does it send your own kid? Even toddlers can start to learn appropriate ways to act. Good luck!
Mike, I can sooooo relate to your article. My nearly three-year old daughter has more confidence than I have in my pinky finger, and I am incredibly thankful. Her dad was popular and strong in high school. I was also athletic, but horribly shy and terrified to stand up for myself. That often meant I was a fantastic target for bullies.
So, when my daughter gets a case of the “bossies” with the other kids at preschool I feel thankful she can take care of herself and isn’t afraid to say no. To anyone. She’s more like her dad in this way. My greatest fear in life is that she’ll be bullied like I was. So far, so good.
Being a bully is not acceptable, and it’s neither psychologically or physically healthy for either tot involved. HOWEVER, from the other side of the daycare fence, if you’re throwing your tot to the wolves in preschool, they need to know how to stand up for themselves from day one if they’re going to have a positive experience. If your kid isn’t a passive bystander who knows where he’s going in life (and that’s what this article was trying to communicate, despite the misleading title), then I applaud you! However, if your implications were (as the title incorrectly implies) that you are OK with making the lives of preschool teachers, other parents, and his toddler friends miserable, it’s going to be long shot to get me to approve the sentiments, not to mention a long road to hoe once he gets into elementary school and out of the phase where beating people up (eg. toddlerhood) is considered the norm.
“So with Christopher built to kick ass and take baby names, there is probably a sense of ‘Hey, at least we got a break with something. At least hes ok on this front.’ I think that is the most inaccurate statement in the article. If he is a bully, he is not “ok on this front.” My daughter is very self-confident and tends to get a little bossy too (even at age 2) and definitely has no problem joining right in and often taking charge of a group. I’d be lying if I said that didn’t make me proud, especially being that I was rather sheepish as a child and it made things difficult for me. But if I ever catch her, or find out about her bullying, I will never think it is ok. It’s not. What I hope to teach my daughter to do with her self-assuredness (as I hope it continues on throughout her childhood) is to be confident enough to stick up for the kid that’s being bullied.
Yeah, there was a kid just like yours in my son’s preschool class when he was 4. None of the children wanted anything to do with him once they got tired of him pushing them around and taking their stuff. When the family moved out of state mid-year, all the parents (and the teachers) nearly had a party to celebrate. Hope you continue to think your son’s behavior is cool as he gets older because I guarantee no one else will.
I love this article. My first son is very shy and gets pushed around a lot, so I have to say that when my second son started pushing his peers at daycare for fun… well… I kinda loved hearing about it. He smacked another kid? Glad he stood up for himself. He’s knocking over babies and laughing at them? Awesome, he’ll be ready to defend himself from his brother pretty soon. So I can completely relate. And perhaps best of all is your statement, “Its not his fault as if you can control the impulses of your toddler.” Totally true, and especially obvious once you have more than one child. Getting them to treat each other well is a slow and difficult process that takes years. And the parents that can completely “control their kids” are fooling themselves- they just have kids that naturally will listen. One of mine listens, and the other doesn’t. It is clear biology and I take no credit either way.
He doesn’t sound like a bully to me. He sounds like a kid who is big and doesn’t have the language skills to ask for things or express frustration, like many other kids his age. I also think some readers may be missing that the kid still sounds pretty young, not like, a 4-year old who is a jerk. The pushy stuff is still pretty normal at 2.
While I get we are talking about toddlers here, I find this article to be in kind of poor taste given the attention bullying has been getting lately. Is the author of this article going to have the same smug satisfaction when his son is wailing on the gay or disabled kid in school? Talk about projecting your own bizarre issues. And no, I’m not a “helicopter parent”, my three year old will sometimes hit when she is frustrated. But I am friends with the Mom version of this parent and it really sucks never being able to relax when our kids are playing together because her son is trying to gouge my daughter’s eyes out or forcefully shove her head-first into a sharp edge of a counter because he is freaking nuts. It just adds insult to injury when said Mom laughs and shrugs it off as I am wiping off blood and trying to console my kid whom I am trying to teach how to treat people with respect (pretty tough when some of the adults she is around don’t place value on that).
I dont like the way the author equates size with a natural propensity to bully. My son is off the growth charts for both height and weight but is one of the sweetest, gentlest kids Ive ever seen. I have a friend whose son is a little squirt and mean as a snake. Size has little to do with temperament. And while I wish I could be certain that his size will prevent him from ever being bullied, thats just not true. Bullies and the bullied come in all shapes and sizes, unfortunately. Try teaching your kid a little kindness before its too late.
There will always be someone bigger and stronger than you. (and always someone smarter, more graceful, etc etc.) The best protection against being bullied is friends.
You’re reading too much into his toddler behavior. When he grows older he may not even be the strong or assertive kid in the playground. Using a word like “bully” to describe a one-year-old, two-year-old kid is ridiculous. Hopefully your son will learn how to control his aggression as he matures, but meanwhile the parents and caregivers need to step in and tell him that hitting his peers is not okay.
Author sounds very competitive although he says he isn’t. Saying that you are happy that your son is a bully because you were bullied is dangerously misplaced pride. Whomever bullied you when you were younger-their dad was also proud of their child. Time to stop this cycle already. WAKE UP
Oh dear. I think you are going to get a heckuva earful over this article, Mike.
Mike, you know, there is a happy medium. You kid doesn’t have to be a bully. And he doesn’t have to be bullied. There a lot of kids in between, in fact, most kids. Why not strive for the middle ground?
So seeing that your kid is starting to maim other kids is your way of getting back at the bad luck that surrounded his birth? You gave that little girl a black eye? Score! High five! That’ll show you, random chance! Even if all the parents of Christopher’s victims are passive-aggressive in their comments, what will you do when he bitch slaps the wrong kid and that kid’s parents are not only NOT passive-aggressive in the slightest, but are also planning to sue you. And has it occurred to you at all that there’s a good possibility that your kid will still get made fun of and bullied because of his slow developing language skills? What then? Oh, right, you’ll just tell him to coldcock those kids, too. You may already have been voted Deplorable Dad of the Year. Congrats.
Your child is not a bully yet, he’s just a normal toddler interacting with others. Unfortunately he probably will be when he’s older, due to your attitude. Sure, it sucks that you and your wife had problems pre and post pregnancy, but that’s no reason to think your are owed something. It is also very upsetting, that you think your son being a bully is somehow “payback” in a GOOD way for what you’ve been through. Especially strange if you were bullied as a child, because you should know how bad that feels. Why would you wish that on anyone?
Being bossy and being a bully are not the same thing. A lot of kids are bossy, not all kids think it’s fun to beat the crap out of smaller kids. I sincerely hope you don’t let your son see the delight and glee you derive from hearing or seeing him being violent. If you do, he’ll eventually start to see that you think it’s great that he backhanded some kid and he’ll start doing it more just to make you happy. You’re walking a slippery slope.
“maybe this intense fatherly pride is really about misplaced redemption. You probably wont be surprised to hear that I was in fact bullied and mocked in school growing up. I was far from athletic. I was pushed around at times or simply dismissed. I wonder if Im simply projecting my school fantasies onto Christopher, hopeful that he wont have to experience the same look-at-the-nerd-who-cant-do-a-pull-up tragedies that I did.” That is what I thought when I first read the title. Funny I also have a son named Christopher and he has been in the 95th percentile for weight and height since he was born. However, I will not be proud if he became a bully. I will be very proud if he keeps making sure that other kids do not bully him because he is too sweet for his size. He knows how to put other kids in their place if they make that mistake
I’m guessing your.kid is no more than 14 months or so if he is about the same age as a 1 year old. So what I’m wondering is.why is his preschool calling to tell you that they had to “talk to him again about gentle hands?” Does anyone actually think that those words have any meaning to a kid thy young? At this age you have to physically intervene, you certainly use words to explain correct behavior, but you don’t expect a 14 month old to understand or heed them. Or that a parent can impart self control, empathy, and cooperation to an extremely young TODDLER? I am assuming the tone in this article is a little tongue in cheek, and that if he were actually old enough to be called a bully, dad might be more concerned. It sounds like the other grown-ups involved have fairly unrealistic expectations for a toddler’s interaction with other babies.
Don’t be too quick to draw conclusions on who your child will be. My nephew was huge – still is. He was wearing size 3 clothes at 10 months. Now at age 8, he’s in size 14. And he was a bruiser – as a toddler. But he’s not in the slightest way athletic despite reaching early gross motor milestones. He’s quite clumsy, actually. And he’s being bullied at school – a lot. Kids change. Be open to surprises.
You describe your son as a bully but he sounds like he is a bit young yet to be considered one. My nephew is also large for his age and because of it people are constantly expecting more from him (and always have) than he is mature enough or old enough to provide. So behavior like reaching for the other child’s face as a greeting comes off as bullying when really it is a an age appropriate reaction. His size just makes it more hurtful for the other child. He also probably doesn’t understand why it’s wrong yet because he isn’t old enough to understand the concept.
My son didn’t crawl until 10 months and didn’t walk until 17 months. We called him Baby Buddha. And he cried whenever other children came near him. Now at age 6, he’s athletic and loves hockey, soccer and golf. He’s very social and gets along with everyone – totally different from his cousin, the baby Goon. Trust me, those parents who boast about babies making all these milestones early or thinking they have a baby genius on their hands – by the time they hit school, they’re all pretty much on par. Some are good in some areas, others in different areas. I think the parental comparison game has more to do with the parents – they’re the ones who need to do some developing…
I agree with the posters that say not to put too much into toddler behavior. I understand your feelings although its probably not the sort of feeling you should admit publically let alone in a blog online (kind of like, wow, I’m glad I’m not that fat!). Just to warn you, it means squat. My oldest son is very petite, he was a tiny baby, tiny and quiet toddler and I almost worried myself into an early grave that he would get tortured at school. Nope. He’s tiny but very able to stand up for himself. Now 10, he is athletic, popular and often the one who stands up to bullies on the playground-something that makes parents/teachers laugh b/c he’s so small. My second son is huge, he’s 8 but he is taller than the 10 year old and weighs 10 pounds more, not fat but built like a football player. He was a brute as a baby but now he’s a softie. He did get bullied in kindergarten (by a tiny kid) although he’s figured out how to handle himself now. My last son is normal size and he is the sensitive one. Everyone wants to extrapolite so much for babyhood and toddlerhood, but you really have to wait and see.
Our son was also off the charts for height and weight as a toddler. Now at age 6 he is one of the smallest boys in his class. Kids grow in spurts and your son may not always be the biggest. I hope for his sake you are teaching him coping skills and interpersonal skills that will serve him well when pushing and biting won’t word. And remember, there are always bigger kids out there.
Standing up for oneself and being a bully are not the same thing. A kid who bullies others is one who doesn’t know how to stand up for himself. It is a sign of weakness, not strength. Show me the kid who can stand up for himself, but treat others with kindness and respect and I’ll how you someone who is will really succeed in this world.
Time to grow up, Dad and put your own demons to rest.
Our son was also off the charts for height and weight as a toddler. Now at age 6 he is one of the smallest boys in his class. Kids grow in spurts and your son may not always be the biggest. I hope for his sake you are teaching him coping skills and interpersonal skills that will serve him well when pushing and biting won’t word. And remember, there are always bigger kids out there. Standing up for oneself and being a bully are not the same thing. A kid who bullies others is one who doesn’t know how to stand up for himself. It is a sign of weakness, not strength. Show me the kid who can stand up for himself, but treat others with kindness and respect and I’ll show you someone who will succeed in this world. Time to grow up, Dad and put your own demons to rest.
i have five children. all children grow and learn differently. my youngestis 20 months old and beats the crap out of his 4 year old brother. he is the youngest so i believe he has to be a little tougher than some kids. i would not be worried about your son being a bully. my 13 year old was accused of being a bully when he beat up a couple of kids at school. keep in mind that my 13 year old is 5ft 4in and a solid 130lbs, he plays football and baseball. on the other hand he wouldnt willingly hurt anyone. when he got suspended from school and labled a bully i was upset that he could hurt someone like that, later i found out that he did do what they said. he hurt one of the boys very badly. the other boys were 14 and 16. they were on their way to a pep rally at their school and my son seen the other two boys picking on a girl in his class. she is the new kid and a little different from the other kids there. my son bet up those boys taking up for a stranger. you have no idea how proud that made me. my son is not a bully. and neither is yours. the kids and parents that use their words to hurt people and their physical agression to control them they are bullies.
I try not to write negative things on here, but that’s awful. Your pride will hurt your son when he does become a bully and has no friends. Strong people don’t use physical strength. Bullies are weak and pathetic.
Well, they say if you decide to right personal essays you ought to have a thick skin. I’m learning that quickly. Everyone’s certainly entitled to their own opinion, and anger at me, though I do think some readers are getting hung up on the word bully in the headline. We’re talking about 1-year olds here. My son is big for his age and doesn’t know his own strength, but there’s nothing mean spirited or manipulative here–which is what true bullying is all about. Nobody’s lunch money is being taken or anything. I was just trying to have a little fun and poke fun at some of the crazy, petty competitiveness that new parents get caught up in–competitiveness which I’ve sworn, and failed to avoid. Yes, it’s totally embarrassing and irrational and immature to feel pride about some of the stuff that my son’s been doing–but the feelings are honest, and come from an honest place. Am I’m kidding around a bit as well..
I have 3 kids who all developed at different rates. My son was big. He ruled the playground and daycare but as soon as I found out about him biting or hitting we talked to him and put a stop to it immediately. I’d rather deal with my kid being the bully (because that seems easier to control) than my kid getting beat up (which was the case with one of my girls). But there was another kid just like your Christopher who was big, too, and his parents acted like you. No one else at the daycare wanted to deal with “Christopher” no one wanted to take care of him when he was hurt, wipe his nose when it was running, help him figure out how to open up the toys. The kid was a sheer terror because his parents refused to teach him better manners and how to be a human child and interact with other kids instead of behaving like a wild monkey. “Christopher” ended up being the outcast that no one would play with and hardly a daycare worker would ever pick up to console. I feel sorry for your child…. I feel worse for your wife.
Might I suggest in the future if you intend for your article to be in jest, make it more obvious. Because the way this one was written just makes it seem like you’re counting the notches on the bedpost of the all the kids he’s hurt.
My kid was walking at ten months also (Ha!). Now, in preschool, he’s smart and extremely sensitive. And he’s getting bullied by boys who never learned to control themselves. Kids whose parents were probably amused by their early antics and then lost the opportunity to develop a strong foundation of empathy and peace in their children. Your son may only be one, but with your attitude, by the time he gets to preschool, he’s likely to end up like those kids. As the mom of a target, I’m disgusted by your attitude. You may have been joking around, but jokes usually have some element of the truth in them, and I believe you’re truly taking some perverse pride in your son’s status. If you don’t change your attitude quick, you’re going to have trouble very soon.
Hey, I know you. You are Tighten from “Megamind”. Yes, this weird guy who suddenly gets superpowers.
Enjoy, take advantage, get some money with this kind of article as much as you can. Because, with such genes, your kid will not be that big/amazing/strong guy for too long.
Dude, trust me, it’s cute when they’re little, but in two years he’ll be big enough to kick you in the balls. You might want to have a talk about the violence.
You “right” personal essays? Babble editors, is anyone on duty this week?
I am very surprised to find this published here. You find it humorous that your son is large and is a bully? Wow… I’ll add you to the LONG list of reasons we home-school our kids.
Please, Mike, don’t equate size to temperament. My son is and always has been off the charts huge… he wears 4/5T at 24 mo. old. He is nothing but the absolute sweetest little boy I have ever come in to contact with.
So what you had a rough time surrounding the birth of your child. You think the rest of us had it easy? You think that you’re owed something? You want to go around crying about how hard you had it and you feel that you should get to take it out on someone else? Wake up and be a responsible father and ROLE MODEL. Life is tough, raising well mannered, responsible, NICE children is tough…. and work. Grow up and step up… if not just for your son’s sake, for the rest of our childrens’.
I love how you act like your kid is so cool for walking and the other kid does a lame “boot scoot” and is so uncool. As the mom of a small, sweet, scooting til he was 15 months son I think you are a jackass and need to discipline your son. 1 year olds can still be told no and have consequences.
You didn’t like being mocked as a kid, so you write an essay in which you mock toddlers?? Are you serious?!
I don’t get it. You’re proud of your kid for his size? I’m sorry you and your family had to go through several health scares and I’m glad your son is healthy, but that seems more like relief than pride. No one can do anything about his size, but you *can* help him with his behavior. As a former pre-shoool teacher, I can honestly say that I love kids, but parents drive me insane. Yes, you need to help teach him what’s acceptable social behavior and what isn’t. You don’t want him to be mocked in school as you were? There are better tools to help with that than being tall and biting, even for a toddler. You should focus on those. You’re a dad… you should show more maturity than your son. Making jokes about how other kids only “scoot” while your kid walks and talking about the “annoying girl” at the same daycare isn’t really being a role model. If your son is a bully, you may want to re-read your own essay and think about where he might get that.
This is a terribly written article. I thought it was a joke until I got to the end. Why the hell would you want to encourage bullying after you went through it yourself? That is so messed up!
My 18 month-old is a nerd. Yes, he was a delayed walker. Yes, he’s big for his age. (He wears 3T and is in the 78th percentile.) But he’s also incredibly gentle — with people, with animals. The few instances when he’s hit or bullied, my first instinct is to look him in the eye and tell him “No, we do not hit, we play nice. Be gentle,” instead of high-fiving him and congratulating him on being a jerk.
Kids learn proper behavior long before they start talking about it. By the time your 3 year-old preschooler is pushing kids down in the playground and pulling girls’ hair in the hallways, how much better chance do you think you’ll have of curbing his behavior before he’s a 8, 10, 15, or 30 year-old bully? Get over your sense of parental retribution. I’ll take my sweet, gentle, intelligent nerd over a big, bad bully any day.
It’s really horrible to be accepting and even encouraging of bullying behavior. Even at one, he is learns that his behavior is acceptable in the eyes of his dad.
My daughter is 2 and my husband & I knew that she may turn out to be a bully if we don’t teach her to play nice and share. And we knew this even on because she has a very forceful personality.
You really ought to be ashamed of your parenting stance in this issue.
Despite what everyone else is saying, all I took from this was that you are proud of your son no matter what he is like.
Wow. Yes, your son is “only” one. But I can tell you that long before either of my children turned one I was redirecting their behaviour when it was negative. Its called parenting and what we’re here for. If your child was going to grab a sharp knife would you let him because he’s “only one” and doesn’t get it? Of course not. No different with pushing, shoving, biting, hitting, on and on. Unacceptable behaviour needs to be redirected immediately and consistently. Parents like you are why I have to often start with the passive aggressive behaviour you mention from parents, to talking straight to the offending chil (No Bubba, we do not hit – that’s not nice”). Since parents like you won’t do your job, I will step in and do it for you to protect my child (or anyone else’s for that matter)
Um, yea. Your kid is the one we all try to keep our kids away from because we don’t want any “bad” habits to be picked up on. What you may not realize is that you are paving the way for your child to be unruly, ill-behaved and an outcast among his peers..not the “cool kid.” I mean really, who is really friends with the bully in school? Good luck with that.
LOL people are too serious. lighten up guys.
You’re a jerk. Your kid is already a jerk. Your wife is a jerk too, if she puts up with the two of you. It is only going to get worse. You have nothing to be proud of. You are already a failure as a parent. Big deal, you had minor problems with your kid. You’re proud of screwing your kid up ALREADY? Lovely.
Wow! Not sure why you wrote this article for public consumption but you must like negative feedback. All I have to say is you are just starting on this journey. Talk to people who have boys in middle school and then decide for yourself what message you want to send your toddler. Far as the sneering mentality of putting down geeky kids goes…,, you pretty much exemplify everything wrong with our culture when it comes to valuing brawn over brains. And if you think you had a tough birth and aftermath talk to a parent of a child with special needs. My son had developmental delays….. Learned to crawl in that “ass wiping” method you so graciously write about. Walked at 14 months and spoke at 3. At 10 he is small for his age and unathletic. BUT he is academically gifted (turns out the age at which you walk has nothing to do with intellect did you know that?). He is extremely musical and and plays violin at youth symphony level. Sings in a performance choir that will tour internationally this summer. He has had huge challenges compared to your son….years of physical and speech therapy. But at 10 he is sweet, empathetic and a kid who has been bullied but has been known to defend a mean kid when another kid was mean to this kid! By all means promote the bruiser image in your own kid…..however do not mock parents and toddlers who are “slow” by your definition. They might grow up and kick your son’s ass at school or in the workplace. geeks rule!
No, you can’t “control the impulses of your toddler,” but you can sure as he!! teach him how to behave well.
Have a friend who was initially just like you, she just got her second visit from the police regarding her nine year old and his behavior towards neighborhood kids… had to start homeschooling since he got kicked out of kindergarten and had so much anger in grade one. Yep. I’m sure this was written by someone being “funny”, but let’s just hope the “funny” doesn’t come back to become your nightmare reality.
Awesome article! True, probably not the best behaviors that one would want to continue to encourage in the long run, but, after reading about the medical nightmares the author, his wife, and little son endured, I commend him for finding humor in it all. I find equally humorous the comments from the many “horrified” and holier-than-thou parents and commentors who can’t seem to peel their butts off of their pedestals of poop-infused diapers to take in the whole picture, LAUGH a little, and just cross their fingers and hope that everything works out all right (which, in my mind, will, because it’s clear to anyone with half a brain that the father wants what’s best for his child).
Really?? You know what drives me nuts?? When people in comments sections are intentionally thick so they can high horse all over someone who was obviously simply letting off some steam and being kind of funny. Seriously. Put your brains back on and infer like normal human beings that the author and his wife are taking the necessary steps to make sure their kid isn’t an A$$hole.
Being on the other side of having a child being bullied is not as fun. I feel every father would want to have a strong masculine boy compared to a scrawny wimp. Geesh men and women are so different the way that they view things. My little girl is a little chubby and get’s teased all the time and I always have to reassure her that she is perfect in every way maybe if the dads could prevent this behavior with their children there would be a lot less of this behavior. I even found a site to help to monitor my girl’s messages through email and text. A friend told me about it and I want to pass it along http://www.mousemail.com. Please don’t enable bullying, break the cycle at a young age.
“He was wearing 12-month clothes at six months.”
pffftt! My six month old is wearing 24-month onesies and has been off the charts for height & weight since her 1 month checkup. Maybe she could teach your kid a little something about bullying.
First of all, I thought the article was funny. I have three boys (all of whom are advanced and none of who are bullies-yet) but since I do have a sense of humor, I was able to chuckle at this Dad’s honesty. The way parents compete is ridiculous, and I could appreciate this guy’s take on it completely.
Yeah, maybe this was written to be funny but… it’s kinda not. There is nothing more annoying than hanging out with a parent who won’t control their kid. Don’t be that guy! It is absolutely your job to attempt to teach and control the “impulses of your toddler.” I’m ALL for irreverence and joking about the “joys” of parenthood but there really does seem to be some underlying projecting-your-insecurity onto your son. But you seem to recognize that and knowing is half the battle – good luck with that.
I just have to say, it pisses me off when a parent is watching their toddler bullying another, a toddler isn’t always bullying out of anger, but when a parent doesn’t say, hey bud thats not nice, lets not do that, it makes me angry. And I can tell you, we went through a medical nightmare too with our 2 month premature born son, and I would never justfiy my son being rough because he had medical issues. Its about time parents stopped and took off their blind to fact that child is a jerk glasses, and we all need to start teaching our children respect, and that actions all have consequences. Instead of saying well your child deserved it, or my child wouldn’t do that.
I have two boys…one is 5, and walked at just over 9 months. I was having full conversations with him at 15 months. He’s an average size kid, and probably one of the nicest kids you’d meet. He has lots of friends, and knows to be nice to everyone, no matter what their situation is.
My other son is 2.5. He has had major medical issues in his short life. Two life threatening reactions to food. Pneumonia 5 times in 9 months. Asthma. Born with positional clubfeet which resulted in months on end of full leg casts and corrective shoes. Didn’t crawl until 11 months, walked at 18. Major speech delays which he’s in therapy for. He’s very small for his age.
I don’t feel like I’m “owed” anything because of his health issues. I owe it to HIM to teach him to be a good person. I certainly wouldn’t look at him acting like a little turd toward other kids as payback for the things we’ve been through with him. And it sure as heck wouldn’t make me PROUD! Instead I take pride in knowing that my kids treat others with respect. I take pride in knowing that my boys are well liked by other kids and adults, and that people enjoy being around them. Maybe you should focus on teaching your child to be a kind, gentle, compassionate kind of person. Enjoy feeling pride in that, instead of pride in allowing your child to become the kid that no one wants to be around.
i have two kids 2 and 3, and they are very outgoing active children, and i love it,i know exactly what you mean with being prod of your son, cuz my daughter (2) is very small for her age( wears 12 mo shorts an dresses) is the girl you dont want to pick nn recently, ecently she slapped a kid ( he was 5) cross the face ndscreamd at him ” no! you no touch me! leave me alone” because he was trying to push her backwards off of a swing!! lol it was proud mommy moment, the kid ran off crying… and my son has knocked a kid on his but before for picking on his sister! so while i dont condone volence in toldders, lol, sometimes its well deserved!!
You just sound like a jerk.
If your toddler was picking on mine and you did nothing to stop it, I would teach you what a real a$$ kicking is. I am a woman, but you describe yourself as a man that could very possibly get a beat down from a chick.
i have a “bruiser” who is predicted to be 6’6″. he is also prone to pushing other kids around. what i don’t like is everyone of you sanctimonious over-bearing parents on this site with your wimpy kids. you know what, all you ms. high-and-mighties?- you’re teaching them to be wimps. i don’t advocate bullying, and i always try to redirect my son when he is being too physical, mostly because you parents are freaking out and don’t let kids work it out, but what would be MOST EFFECTIVE for ALL CHILDREN (forget YOUR egos) is for the child to stand up for himself and say “stop [hitting/ pushing/ etc.] me! that is not OK!” that way your wimpy kid can learn to stand up for him/herself, and my “bruiser” can also learn that it is not OK. win-win here, people.
Christinky…we r talking about babies and toddlers here. I dont know of any toddler capable of saying, “stop hitting me. Thats not okay.” Whatever you have to say to yourself to make it okay that your child is overly aggressive! Maybe you should be asking yourself why your child behaves that way instead of making excuses for it?
actually, sammysue, i know a lot of toddlers who can talk. i think kids are considered toddlers until age 3, and many toddlers talk by age 2. (my son began to talk sentences at age 1.) its never too early to encourage toddlers to communicate and stand up for themselves and work things out amongst themselves. this is how they learn best.
Just want to say–it is agonizing to be the parent of the child who doesn’t crawl, the child who doesn’t walk. Imagine how that parent is worrying about the child’s future. Will he ever walk? Will he ever even be able to sit on his own? What is wrong? Will he end up in a wheelchair? Are there intellectual problems also? Will the child die at a young age? This is what is going through the parent’s mind as the other children get further and further ahead. I know because I’ve been there. If you imagine what it is like, you will think more kindly of this child and his parents.
I’m with you mike! I was the former schoolyard dork mom in ICU with a newborn in the NICU after a pregnancy gone wrong. After the sight of my little tiny guy hooked up to all the wires and tubes and monitors, then the months of screaming, and screaming struggling with gas and feeding, it’s been a relief to see him roll first, crawl like a champ, and take his first steps earlier than anyone else’s baby, while consistantly being in the 95+%. Now watching him as the tough toddler (although I don’t like him being the “bully”) who is not only capable of all the things I feared he would never do but he excells is a very emotional thing. Heck yeah, that’s my one year old, and yeah, he totally just passed your 3 year old (who’s the same size) on the jungle gym…. oh your kid was a 9 lb healthy baby? The jumbo one was a nicu peanut.
I have raised 4 beast children..I was picked on in high school..but I have always raised them to be protectors of others…your article made me realize you are a small person who has not matured beyound grade school. Therapy is something you may benefit from.
It is never too early to start teaching kids the word gentle, and showing them how to touch gently. Being proud of a bully at any age is sending the message that violence is accepted and encouraged. Comparing our kids to others is deadly (but we all do it). Just remember that you will always have reasons to be proud and things to worry about. Please don’t encourage violence or judgement at any age. If you were picked on as a child (as I was, relentlessly), the best thing you can do is teach your child to have self respect and respect for others. It’s a long process, and it’s not always effective every time, but the message of peace and compassion needs to be the loudest voice heard, or we will continue to see more school shootings, suicides, and physical assault. Please, help all our children by learning to think of the big picture and acting with your child’s (and his peers’) futures in mind.
As a kid who was small for her age, and always shortest in her class, let me express my distaste with this post. There were some “bruisers” just like yours who made my early years miserable. Being hit, being shoved, being bit, it got to the point where I was terrified to go to nursery school. It’s not cute or charming. It’s unacceptable behavior. There was a kid in my class like yours, and despite repeated attempts by my nursery teacher and parents, the parents of this child did nothing to correct his behavior. What finally got them to acknowledge his brutishness was when he pushed me into a pond, and I couldn’t swim. I almost drowned. I’m still terrified of going in the water. So, that’s great that you are proud of your little “bully”, I can’t say I would share your enthusiasm.
I always liked kids; I was a nanny and a preschool aide long before I ever had children of my own. I always liked kids, all kids, until I had my own. Nowadays, I have to admit, I really only like SOME kids! I love my own more than life itself, of course, and the other children that they make friends with in school or at the park are OK by me; but those snot-nosed little brats who want to bully my kids, like the punk that pushed my tiny one-year-old face down in the sand the other day? I actually hate him! And the “mean girls” at my 8-year-old’s school? I wish I could give them a good talking to (with foul language at that!) There is a dark side to our love for our children; we not only think that they are great, but that they are better than anyone elses kids! And anyone who dares to harm our children or belittle them is our enemy, even if theyre a kid too! I think, to some extent, the feelings that the author expresses about the “annoying little girl at daycare” or his friend’s kid who learned to use a Sippy cup earlier than his child, are normal. And taking pride in your child’s accomplishments is normal too. But as responsible parents, we KNOW that it is NEVER OK to encourage bad behavior in our children, and it is NEVER OK to curse at the bratty kids at the park that are not being nice to our own kids, no matter how much we want to. I am always teaching my children how to properly interact with others, and that kindness to others is extremely important, even when people are hard to get along with. I think that something the author needs to consider is this: by not actively discouraging his son’s violent behavior, he is implicitly encouraging it.
Wow…you are like those mothers who want to push their little girls into beauty pageants to live out the dreams through their daughters. You sir, are immature. You should be embarrassed and damned ashamed that your little brat is a bully. Yes, I said it, brat. That’s exactly what you and your idiot wife are going to raise if you continue to take pride in his ways. God…some people! I’ll tell you one thing, if your little brat ever bulled my child, I’d teach the both of you a thing or two about what I don’t tolerate.
I had mixed feelings about this article. Normally I find the humor in these things, and I won’t say I don’t see it now. My 13 month old is small, and when a friend’s two year old, who is huge for his age, knocked him down, I didn’t get mad. Kids don’t always know better. But what WOULD have pissed me off would be if my friend didn’t correct her son for this. (Although the pain on his little face when my son started bawling let me know he was sorry anyway and just hasn’t reached a point of controlling his impulses. I GET that.)
I can imagine the pride of seeing your formerly small and unhealthy son grow up big and strong. That’s great. However, man, have a little more empathy for the other kids at daycare! You think your kid is the only one who had to deal with health problems and the NICU and colic? Some of those kids might be tiny or delayed specifically BECAUSE they had to deal with that stuff. It isn’t fun for those other parents that their kid is the one being pushed around. So if you feel fatherly pride, that’s great, but I still encourage you to prevent your kid from becoming a bully by correcting his behavior, however gently you choose to do so.
My son has recently started both biting and hitting his father and I. This is natural. But we don’t laugh when he does it, and we don’t encourage it. Instead we tell him no, and show him how to be GENTLE. And if he persists, we put him down and stop giving him attention (which is why they tend to keep doing this, they get lots of attention for it). We’re still working on it, but making progress.
Wow people…seriously? I find it hard to imagine that none of you have looked at another child and sized them up against your own. That you have never thought your child was just a little better than another. No where in the article did he say he wants his child to bully and beat the tar out of other kids, he said he was glad he was strong and confident (for a toddler anyway)…he specifically said he was a bit taken aback by some of his rough grabbing and doesn’t want his child to be the big kid everyone fears. Calm down and take this article for what it is…a humorous look at what most of us think about kids and never actually want to say to other parents.
Most of the bullies I was at school with are either dead or in prison. If he picks up on your pride in his antisocial antics, he won’t be the athletic kid everybody likes, he’ll be the bruiser that everybody stears clear of. Be careful what you wish for.
Never seen a beettr post! ICOCBW
You should be ashamed of yourself for raising a bully and encouraging that horrible behavior. If you don’t stop it now, he’ll continue to bully other children throughout school, and it will go beyond that. My sister, who just turned 18, was RAPED by a bully. She got pregnant and miscarried. Do you know what kind of physical and psychological damage this bully has done to her? She is NOT the same happy kid anymore. Not only did he commit a felony, but he will FOREVER be a registered sex offender, starting at the young age of 19. Do YOU want that on your son’s shoulders if he were in those shoes? Surely you’d feel absolutely horrible for encouraging that behavior, right? That behavior doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. It starts from the home. The parents ARE the child’s 1st teachers. So SHAME ON YOU!
Relax people. He never said that he was high fiving his kid, or that he and his wife are (although proud) not trying to teach him that this behavior is unacceptable. Kind of like, when your child does something wrong and you tell them that it is wrong and not to do it again then you leave the room so you can laugh because it was so darn funny. It doesn’t make you a bad parent because you laughed.
I find it amusing (and frankly a little sad) that people are calling the posters, his son, and his wife names and saying that they would beat the poster up for condoning the bullying…welcome to internet bullying.
My goodness, my husband feels the same way about our 2 year old. He is a big boy, tall and solid for his age, and we couldn’t be prouder. I don’t think the writer is glorifying bullies; I am sure that term was used loosely. My son is a big boy, but still gets pushed around at the playground some. It doesn’t mean either child will become a rapist, which was an extremely ignorant interpretation of this article @Powers.. What happened to your sister was tragic, but it is no reflection on this man or his son.
Just because your kid is bigger than others his age, doesn’t mean he must be a brute and a bully. My husband is 6-4 and a good solid 300 lbs..he is a gentle giant. Same with my dad, my brother, my brother in-law (who is 6-5),and all the other big men in my life. So instead of teaching your big boy to be rough and disrespect others smaller than him, teach him to love and respect others. Believe it or not, it goes a long way. Here’s a question…. you’re proud now and encouraging him, but where does it stop? You can’t just wake up one day and teach him the opposite of what you’ve been encouraging and expect him to go with it. It doesn’t work that way. Talk about sending mixed messages. You think it’s cute now, but will you still think it’s cute when he beats up on a girl? Rapes, murders, beats his wife, treats his family like crap, assaults someone? Winds up in jail? Will you think it’s cute then? Let me ask again… when does it stop?
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This article should be titled “My kid is a bully…. Because I’m an idiot”. Your rationale is just dumb. Sorry.
This was pretty rough to read and exstremely gender bias-but as with everything else you are probably gonna celebrate that too. My oldest child and daughter was exactly like you son, infact more so as she was walking at 9mos, born weighing 10lbs etc. This was the norm for her untill about age 4 and then she slimmed down a lot. It seems she just hit her growth spurts sooner and bigger than other kids, but it tapered off. Now at nearly 11yrs old she is totally average height and a skinny bean pole. So I really think you are not only getting your hopes up verrrry early but encouraging him to be big which could lead to health and weight issues. Even a hefty “big guy” still has the health risks of being overweight. We have all known big guys who were just plain fat and teased a lot. Being big gurantees little. Infact even the hefty jocks were the ones with no dates compared to the lean muscular truly fit jocks. I think you might be assuming height&size gurantees a better life than you had…but you maybe very wrong. & if you and your wife aren’t tall or hefty then chances are your son won’t be either.
I’m with a majority of other commenters here… with so many problems with bullying in this country (or didn’t you know?) I’m surprised to see an educated man (or aren’t you) take such a passive stance on the matter. I hear that you’re proud of your son’s size and strength, and you should be – he’s probably a precious kid! But to believe that this is a “phase” is just plain ignorant. Heed the warning of what you’re reading here – your passivity (stemming from your childhood, no?) will not help your aon one bit with his aggressiveness when he’s older and is in major trouble for it. It will break your heart when someone gives YOUR son the beat down one day (you remember what that feels like, right?), but it doesn’t have to come to that.
Taking pride in the fact that your child is mean, disrespectful of others and physically abusive is just disgusting. I understand being bullied and praying your kid doesn’t go through that – but to encourage them to the be one bullying others is ignorant.
How about you learn this word – “No”. Now, say it when you son attacks another child. As of right now, he thinks it is alright to behave as such and every day that passes with this mindset makes it more difficult to relearn that it is wrong.
If you will still be proud to be the father of a convict because he has landed himself in jail over abusing others, then have at it. If you would rather be the proud father of a compassionate human being who respects and values others, then you better step up the the plate and start parenting.
this is a truly shameful article…and should be titled “Moron father Grooming Baby to be a Bully”….nice
I’m with majority of the commentors. It is not something to be proud of that your child is the brat. And as they get older it becomes much harder to control. Boundaries and rules have to be set up. If it were your child being bitten or grabbed, you would want the other parents to at least make an attempt to teach their child that this is wrong.
bwaahhh hahahahaha the comments using bullying tactics to tell you how bullying is wrong are amazing!
I, too, have a “bruiser” for a child. He’s 3 years old, four foot tall and 80 lbs. That said, he’s a gentle giant, the sweetest child in the world- always careful with other children, understands that he’s bigger than most kids his age and knows that bullying behavior WILL NOT be tolerated. I don’t worry my child can take up for himself if the situation calls for such, but he hasn’t been picked on. Yet. But even at this young age, he also knows what “empathy” means. Treat others how you’d want to be treated. He’s very aware of how his actions and words affect others. But he also knows this- he may not start trouble/fighting with anyone, but he will be expected to finish it.
I feel bad for this child. W/a father like his, he’s bound to never live up to his fathers expectations. Why do I foresee the gay football player from glee in this guys future??? What’s he going to say when that happens??? My guess is disown him for not being manly enough. Do us a favor Mr. Shields, never have another child. you don’t deserve them!
My son is big, strong, and athletic, but while I’m proud of his accomplishments, I would never allow him to be a bully. He was being mean to a little boy in his preschool class, and instead of gloating, I nipped it in the bud! What type of parent wants a bully for a child?! Especially one who was bullied himself?! It’s one thing to be proud of your kid’s natural strength, but to allow him to be so mean to other kids, even at 1 year old, is irresponsible and not helping him learn the right way to treat people. Do you want him to have friends one day? Or for parents to stay away because they know you won’t do anything to control your child? Or have other kids stay away on their own because they know your kid is a jerk? Be realistic. No one like a bully, no matter the age.
By the way, thinking your kid is “superior” because he crawled “the right way” and then walked at ten months over the kid who is scooting is dumb. That scooting kid could very well be a world record runner when he’s older. A friend’s son never crawled and was running by nine months. How’s that for being “superior”? My son rolled, then army crawled, then crawled, then walked. Does that make him “less” than my friend’s son? No. Your kid isn’t some super special unique snowflake because he’s walking while another kid is scooting. It’s just different mobility in different ways by different kids. So get over yourself.
OK, so I am not going to add any opinions about the behavioral/developmental aspects of this. Let’s just say that I agree with most of the other commenters.
My daughter comes home from daycare with bites and scratches and it is VERY FRUSTRATING. My pediatrician informed us that scratches from another child have more germs than an animal scratch because of all the germs in the hand. She told us this as she diagnosed one of these scratches as impetigo with a staph infection. She has scars from this and it is NOT OK!
“former-dork”? not so “former”. You are seriously messed up! Your poor child! Those kids in his class are scared of him, you idiot! Children need to be taught social skills, for god’s sake! You are dooming you child to a very lonely life.
Let me get this straight: Your kid had colic for three months, and so you feel justified in your “satisfaction” at your child’s ability to injure other children? My son had colic, too. Does that mean that I should let my child bite yours?
I missed that part about the burns, obviously. That’s a terrible thing for your whole family to go through. But having your child injured is not a good excuse to allow him to injure other children, no matter what his history.
wow you catch an ego buzz off of your son? I have a 2 1/2 year old and he was walking by 10 months and most definitely doesn’t hit or bite other kids to get attention and good vibes from his daddy. To think your son is superior above other kids because of that is just so egotistical. I hope the best for you and that you learn something from your son by reflecting on the true nature of his agression.
Frankly I didn’t read anything about your son’s behavior that didn’t sound like normal development. The little non-walker will be doing the same things in a few months. The key is addressing the behavior as he’s doing it. I’m sure your daycare provider is on it and hopefully you are too. Just quite calling him a bully, bruiser, etc. you don’t want a self fulfilling prophecy.
The fact that your son was once ill, or that he is now a large child, or how he behaves now (which is normal for his age) is all a moot point. The fact that you take pride in his leaving bite marks and bruises on other children is disgusting. The fact that you see his violence as an outlet for your frustrations is disgusting. Your approval will not escape the boys attention.
I imagine you’ll be just as proud will you be when he rapes his prom date?
Now we know how bullies are born. The dad is probably boasting his ego reading these comments.
You’re an idiot.
Are you serious? How can you possibly be serious? Look, I’m sorry you were bullied in school, but I’m here to tell you, it’s not going to redeem your experience to delight in your son biting/hitting/kicking other kids. If his verbal skills are behind, being a “bruiser” is how he is trying to communicate. Get him into the local school district’s early intervention program ASAP. He can get speech therapy and social skills classes to assist him in communicating appropriately.
Suddenly the kid you can’t walk but can talk doesn’t look like such a dumb weakling, huh?
Do none of ya’ll see the most of your comments are a form a bullying. Way to be hypocrite :/
He is a baby!! The article clearly states that he is bigger than everyone so there parents are putting him in a class that he may not need to be in. All kids at his age grab things and take things lord knows I read teeth are not for biting to my toddler for weeks to no avail. I think this father is an amazing example of loving you child no matter what!!
I actually just read more on the comments!! There is an amazing woman that called a 13 month old baby a brat. Karma is wonderful thing and you are a gross human being!!
Well, then don’t complain when my kid ends up pushing your kid when he defends his sister.
I’m not sure which is funnier, the post or the comments. Can you (detractors) all seriously say that you never had an inappropriate emotional reaction to something, after which you proceeded to take care of the situation responsibly? This dad is just being frank about his daddy-instincts, while stating outright that his feelings seem “perverse” and “misplaced” even to himself.
And you betcha I think my kid is better than yours. You can’t tell me that you honestly don’t think that sometimes, too. Kids have a way of bringing out our “best” and giving us the opportunity to deal with it like grown ups.
This is pretty sick.
Being a bully now might later lead to being a bully, so no it’s not right… And just for the record all children learn things at their own pace and that doesn’t mean they are less smart!!! Just because your kid is bigger doesn’t mean he is better!!
It’s one thing to be proud that he turned out to be burly and healthy in spite of the initial strikes against him. Those are positives. It’s not cool to sit back and watch him rough up the other tykes. He’s still a little guy, so now’s the time to teach him to be one of the good guys. Being a gentle giant who stands up for the dorky kids who are being bullied would be far more honorable than being a bully himself. He’ll win a lot more friends that way.
Be proud now…soon he will meet his match, get his butt kicked and you will see what its like to be the parent on the other side!!! Karma baby!
As the large father of a 3 year old autistic daughter, if I saw your son bullying my daughter and you doing nothing or worse smirking on the sidelines, guess whose ass is going to get kicked Dad?
WTF is wrong with you? I’m all for a kid (old enough and smart enough to actually realize what he’s doing) standing up for himself, but a toddler who mauls other kids and you think it’s “cool”? Teach your child self defense, not to be a bully for no good reason.
You’re a parent. Grow the f*ck up already.
I am so disappointed in reading this article. Like you, I have a “bruiser” my son has been in the 90% for height and weight, and much bigger than kids his age. But never once did I ever find any bad behaviors to be ok or cool. I don’t think as parents we should sit back and laugh when our little ones do something like this. You should immediately correct his behavior. When my son was 18 months he started pushing, I was so embarrassed and sad when he would push another child or a friend. So I immediately corrected the behavior by telling him it’s not ok to push. I never once said atta boy. Like others have said, you don’t want to be proud of these moments, you don’t want to be known as the parents who have a bully for a kid. You want your son to have friends and be able to go to preschool and not get a call or note saying he pushed, bit, or hit another child. I’d be embarrassed. So I hope that you sit back re-read this and make the changes now. I don’t feel anyone is a perfect parent but we can definitely help encourage good behavior and confront their issues.
As someone who is raising an almost 4yo 95th centile child with severe behavioural difficulties including violence towards himself and others, to the point where has even been assessed for autistic spectrum disorders, I almost began to identify with this, because I, too, am still proud of my son. But I am not proud of him for his violence, I am proud of him for his beautiful qualities, of which there are many. I am devastated by his violence. I have been through hell and back trying to help him overcome this hurdle, and after 2 years of hell, blood, sweat, tears and incredibly hard work, we are finally getting there and he hasn’t hit a child or adult in 2 or 3 months.
I have spent many a tearful, sleepless night wondering where I went wrong when my intentions have always been so good. I have spent many a tearful, sleepless night wondering why my beautiful son, with such a soft, kind, gentle side as I and a small handful of other people close enough to him to see know he has, seemed only able to show this angry, violent side to others who then assumed he was a horrible child.
I have never ever justified his behaviour and I have always broken my back trying to deal with it and deal with it effectively, yet I have been criticised by others in the past when my son has hit theirs even after I have apologised profusely, disciplined him and packed our things to leave, because they just assume I must be a bad parent. It is parents like you, who sit on the sideline and take pride from their child’s wrongdoings, that give parents like me that reputation.
I really hoped this would be an article about your child’s beautiful qualities beneath his violent exterior, but instead it was simply a statement that because of a difficult pregnancy, a difficult period of colic (been there, 10 hours a night of solid screaming every night, almost literally no sleep in 4 months, sheer torture) and a personal history of bullying (been there too, and still suffer the emotional effects as an adult of being bullied from the age of 9 to 16), this somehow justifies you from getting a kick from this behaviour?
The sad thing is the only person who will lose out in the long run here is your son. Nobody likes a bully, and while at this age of course he cannot be blamed, he will reach a point in his life where people stop deflecting the blame for his behaviour onto his parents and start laying it on him.
I would think having been bullied that you of all people would be more sympathetic to the bite victims at the day care and be more inclined to feel bad rather than superior that your kid is a bully, than the average person who wasn’t bullied! Now I guess I understand how those kids who came from seemingly nice families grow up to be criminals, their parents were bullied in middle school!
As a mom whose daughter came home from daycare with NINE bites by the same child it makes me very angry that this baby’s supposed father thinks that his biting another child is “cool”.
Mr. you need to seriously rethink your priorities. It is very normal to feel proud of your child and to compare what your child can do to that another person’s child can’t, but feeling proud that your child pulls hair and bites is going to lead your child to the path of being a real bully as he gets older.
What are you going to say to your son when he finds this blog that his “daddy” wrote praising him for his bullying when he gets older and continues to hurt others? You are crowing his accomplishments now, but what are you going to do when you have to go to “real” school because he broke some kid’s nose or a teacher’s back? The bully my son had to deal with ended up jumping on a teacher’s back – and she was pregnant at the time – and broke her back as he shoved off the small of her back with his feet, shoving her to the floor, then kicking her.
This bully’s dad had repeatedly said to me, “stop complaining about my son, he’s just being a boy and you need to quit taking up for you kid he needs to grow up to be a man.” My son – and his – were 11 at the time. This kid was big and pushed everyone around until I finally had enough and told my son the next time he is pushing you around you beat the Hades out of him. This was in front of the principle who wouldn’t do anything about this monster. Monster ended up being expelled from every public school in the state after he broke the teacher’s back. All the teacher did before this monster permanently put her in a wheel chair was to tell hm to take a seat.
You need to wipe that smirk off your face, and start being a responsible parent. Children do what they learn at home, and if your little “angel” thinks that daddy doesn’t care if he hurts others, even though you may pay lip service by telling him not to, then he will continue to hurt and bully.
Btw, both of my children have health problems, and my daughter’s heart recently stopped at home and we had to do CPR on her, and they both know mom will beat their butts if they even think about hurting someone else. There is no excuse for it. My son had to spend time in ICU after he was born, and my daughter spent 10 days in the hospital at 4 weeks, so the fact your son was ill and had to undergo surgery doesn’t cut it as an excuse for him to be a bully, period.
Get help before you really mess up your kid.It’s only fair to him.
If I had a child and that child was a bully, I’d do EVERYTHING to squelch it including scaring the living daylights out of that child. Bullies deserve a special place in Hell. There is a big difference between a self-confident child who is able to defend him/herself and one who bullies others. Any parent should know the difference.
I’m sorry but I just don’t understand your logic. a) The tone I got from your article that the other child who was butt scooting and *gasp* not walking yet- was that you felt your child deserves to bully since he is so much more superior?? (PS my child didn’t walk until 28 months – how much more superior are the other kids who walk at 12 months?) b) that your child deserves to be a bully because of the burns and colic. I’m sorry but there are many more children that deserve to be bullies above your child then. For example, kids who overcome heart defects and multiple heart surgeries before the age of 1, have overcome leukemia at age 2… what about my child that has Down Syndrome and intestinal surgery on day 1 of her life? Don’t get me wrong – I will be so proud of her for standing up for herself and if she needs to push back I pray she will. But seriously, being proud of the child who instigates it? Yes kids are kids, obviously, but this just doesn’t make any sense!
This – right here – is exactly what’s wrong with the world. This is nothing to be proud of! But, I would like to see your follow up article the day after your son gets his ass kicked!
Are you going to be proud when your kid is a teen and makes other kids feel horrible everyday? Being a bully is nothing to be proud about!!
Just wait until he’s a teenager. He’ll be fighting and punching you as well as your walls. Anger/bullying problems now will have consequences in the future. Just sayin..
Oh Babble, you used to be so good. Now, controversial for the sake of being controversial again and again. Ruins your credibility totally.
little acorns do not fall too far from their tree stumps..or chumps.
Also, If Mediaweek believes your writing, communication and editing are the best they can do, I would say their readers will decline rapidly.
As to development, I think this is a case delay, not only your child’s but your own. Gratefully, there is a lot of terrific information and help for you available and perhaps the message you meant to convey can be re stated with clarity and less insulting to others, like those who do not muscle strength or coordination. Remember that bullying is an epidemic that starts and stops from the top down. Blessings as you get some parent training.
Often, aggression in infants or young toddlers is clue to check for developmental delays. On the top of the list to check first on delays is verbal skills. I child who is frustrated with their ability to communicate often acts out with peers.
Like you I had a son that was in the 90-110th percentile thu his childhood. I was proud of his size for some odd reason. But unlike your situation, my son actually was very mild-mannered and held back because he seemed afraid he was going to hurt another kid on his teams. We literally had to practice him kicking our (parents) shins with guards on to convince him he would not hurt the other kids playing soccer. Now, he is a grown young man…his timidness as a toddler or young child really was an indicator of nothing. He played football in middle school and high school and is one of the most confident and competent men I know in his late teens.
I am not sure how much of your article was “tounge-in-cheek” or just “typical-parent-wackyness-we-all-go-thru-and-feel” but you really put yourself out there on this one! Hey, just a word of advice for a future stage…when your son likes the color pink or some other minor “girly” thing…it doesn’t mean he is automatically gay.
I’m sorry your son had a rough start. Unfortunately, our past does not give any one the right to do harm to others. In that case, just about any of us would have a case for harming others. But, society just does not work like that. As the parent of a daughter who has a bully in her day care class (she’s 4), I am disgusted by pro-bullying comments. He is a mean kid. I don’t know his past, but he is currently harassing teachers and children. My daughter worries about him at night. I am fearful for her to start public school because of kids like him and like your son. As long as there are bullies who think they “deserve” to act that way, there will be violence and crime. I am sorry for your son, really.
Life might be more than just fitting in socially, but kids who bully should be told and taught that it is unacceptable. As a new mother, I am scared to death of what my son will potentially go through because of children like yours, and I can guarantee that if my son ends up being the bully, I will nip that in the bud so fast. Nobody should make someone else feel bad about themselves through physical, mental, emotional or sexual abuse. That’s wrong, and the sense of entitlement you’re giving your son in this article because of his past is a problem we have in our society. A lot of people think they are “entitled” to things when 99% of the time they aren’t. Projecting your “school fantasies” on your son is extremely unhealthy, and as someone who was bullied growing up one would assume that you would keep in mind what the other kids are feeling when your son bullies them.
As long as you are encouraging this behavior, your son will think it is alright to bully. Yes, he is still young, but he is most impressionable. Quit being foolishly proud of him harming others, and find OTHER reasons to be proud of your son. There are better, HEALTHIER ways to bond rather than “grr be a strong man.”
I have a sneaking suspicion you are hoping this will become one of those “aw, there IS a positives side to this horrendous taboo” moments, boosting your popularity.
My dear, this is NOT one of those moments. YOU are responsible for raising your children, and you aught to realize the hell you paid in school will only be pushed onto some other tortured soul. Take pride in THAT, then feel free to get back to me.
Wow – what a bunch of bullies you responding ladies are. My way or the highway.
A father has different views on his son (or daughter) than a mother. But, contrary to the politically correct view, both views are needed. Let all of you ladies create the world alone – and we end up with boys who act like women. Oops – I guess we already have that problem. Where is the blame? Not on the women – but on the men. The leaders that don’t. Yes, you can biologically have kids – but dads need to influence them – to balance out the ‘mothering instinct’ that you naturally have.
Children need to learn to overcome adversity. Yes, they need physical protection, but without adversity to overcome, they can’t learn that skill. Life is tough – and competitive – and mommy won’t always be there.
Let’s see what kind of responses I get from the female bullies.
Just keep him away from my child.
Did some of you miss the part about Christopher being A TODDLER?? My God, you act like he is already set as a bully for life. He is obviously ‘corrected’ by his daycare teachers (and, I’m sure, his parents, too) when he behaves like a TYPICAL TODDLER. Christopher will be just fine as he gets older. Some of you should worry more about the little pansies you’re raising.
My son is 3, and I work at a daycare caring for 11 toddlers in the two year old room. EVERY toddler goes through the biting, scratching, basically mean phase. BUT, if you let them think it’s cute,or funny they will keep doing it. My son knows not to just go hit someone for outright no reason whatsoever, or just go postal because someone stole his toy. BUT, when he’s in class, if another kid hits him, hes not going to let them hurt him. I’m the same way. I don’t go around “Starting stuff” but, if someone puts their hands on me, I will protect myself and I will teach my child to do the same. I will not condone my son being a bully, or intentionally hurting another child for no reason. I understand being “proud” of your tough boy and all, but as a parent, I’d start to get mad if your “tough boy” is knocking around my little guy, hurting him all the time. I have a boy in my class who is going through this phase, his parents are being sued because he bit this other girl in our class so bad, we had to call her parents to take her to the doctor. We were in class, eating breakfast. I turned around to put up our cereal and heard the little girl screaming and ran over and I had to PRY his mouth off of her. It was like he was a dog with lock jaw. The girl had to get stitches because it was so bad. I couldn’t simply pull him off b/c then it would’ve ripped a huge hole in her face I had to put my hands in his mouth and pry his teeth off of her. Its an understatement to say the little girl’s parents were pissed off. Now, of course, every mean toddler doesn’t go this far, but after awhile, your child has to learn. And they can only learn if you are teaching them. When your child repeatedly is hurting other children, the parents will get tired of it. At the daycare I work at, we’ve kicked out quite a few kids for continuously hurting other children over and over again. As a toddler, this age is when they are the MOST impressionable and when they start to learn right from wrong. If you keep condoning this behavior, it will continue. Yes, its a phase every toddler goes through. BUT if you don’t teach him it isn’t okay, he will keep doing it.
From my experience, kids who grow up in daycare tend to be bullies, anyway. I can pick a daycare kid out of a lineup any day in kindergarten. I’m glad he’s overcome his initial issues, but elementary school will be awful if you don’t rein him in a bit.
I’m wondering if this is a troll article. Who in their right mind would be PROUD of a bully? I understand being proud of him for not letting kids bully him, but if he’s the one initiating things, he’s only going to get worse unless you stop the behavior NOW. Someone mentioned this could be a sign of developmental issues. You may ought to look into that. Seriously, though, who wants their kid to be the one to call others fat, or slow because he could something before they could. You obviously look down on other kids because they can’t walk as early as your son could. Each. Child. Is. Different. GTF over yourself.
My oldest son was born a little early, was an average size, and came at a time after a long difficult pregnancy. Then he began to grow, and grow, and grow. I was proud to say that he grew out of all those baby clothes, he crawled on the early end, he walked before he was a year and no, he didn’t talk early (few boys do). As a young baby people saw the normal aggression as being a “bully” however at that age, they cannot be, they’re simply learning about this new body and life that they have. There were other parents who wanted to keep their son away from my son, mostly those with a little smaller children, ones who had scared parents and projected them onto their children. He went to kindergarten and got in trouble for “pushing” when another boy pushed and he pushed back. There were times at the playground that I got “those looks” and you know I just didn’t care. I knew that my son was also very kind and loving, he just was big kid acting normally and that scared parents. He grew up, he mellowed out, we enrolled him in appropriate boy/aggressive activities. He didn’t have problems with teachers, coaches, or 99% of the students. There were no complaints that he was targeting other children. But we did have one group that was a problem, that was the parents of smaller children who were always trying to prove something but trying to start something with my son. We had an adult to grabbed him by the neck and screamed at him (after his son punched my son and got pushed down), then there was the parent who’s son threatened to kill my son (for being friends with the kids the other boy wanted as friends) who told me it was my son doing these things, not his. Only when the adults who witnessed the interaction got involved did people really that small children can be brats too! Our son graduated at 16 and started college. Now he is a 6’7″ confident young man of 20, having never had any problems with the law outside of driving with a headlight out. He still loves to get out there and smash heads on the football field, he still wrestles with his brothers and his friends, he still has people wrongly thinking based on nothing more than his size that he must be a bully. Reality isn’t always what someone says it is. Don’t feel badly that a yr old baby pushing down a 6 mo old makes your son a bully, it doesn’t. Love from his parents will fine tune his reactions. Tussling over a toy isn’t a crime and doesn’t sentence him to a lifetime of future problems. Confidence and service to others along with guiding that strong streak of “brute” into great activities will do far more than punishing a toddler for acting like a toddler.
Let me guess, you bullied him first by strapping him down and cutting off a part of his dick. Why wouldn’t he turn around and bully everyone else? Shame on you for being proud of a child who clearly needs more love and less anger. They emulate their parents, dontcha know?