Bad Parent: The Biter. My son is “that kid.” By Kate Tuttle for Babble.com.
My son is "that kid."
I’ve been there. So has every parent whose kid has ever been “that kid”: the hitter, the biter, the scratcher, the one the other parents use as a counter-example to get their kids to shape up. My children, a toddler and a teen, while generally charming and lovable people, have recently made me that kind of parent. Although it hasn’t come to that, I can see myself in a suburban fistfight to defend their honor.
The toddler, a boy, has discovered yelling. Also throwing. And hitting, scratching and biting. These last three, especially the biting, are cause for his daycare to fill out a form mandated by the state. Daycare pickup has become a fraught moment for me. I arrive each day steeling myself for the moment his teacher, an infinitely gentle and wise woman from Sri Lanka, presents me with the state-mandated incident report form and a pen to sign it with. It’s gotten so that I can read her body language – is she reaching for a form on that shelf, or is she just going for his lunchbox? Does she look particularly sympathetic and disappointed, or am I reading too much into her expression? Any day she doesn’t hand me the form is, by definition, a great day.
Maybe only another mother whose toddler bites can know how it feels. There’s guilt, of course, and a kind of shame that my kid has done this. Sometimes, sure, another kid has pulled his hair, snatched a toy, committed some pint-sized act of provocation that at least explains, though never excuses, his behavior. There are plenty of reasons why toddlers bite. Looking for explanations online, I’ve found sites proposing sensory integration training, gluten-free diets and rebirthing (that kid did spend a long time in my birth canal). More reasonable experts point to normal developmental issues of communication and control. Most of the time, I know, he’s reached out and hurt another kid for no reason at all, or for reasons unknown even to him, by-products of the giant emotions that play out inside his little mind and body.
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About the Author
Kate Tuttle is a writer and editor raising two children just outside Boston.
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Beautiful.
Wow. Life must really bite for the people who have to deal with these precious snowflakes every day. Sounds like a lack of discipline is the true legacy bequeathed from the author to her children.
Beautifully written, and I entirely sympathise. My son is a biter.
Beautifully written, and I absolutely sympathize with the author’s characterization of how personality traits and temperament are passed from generation to generation. That said, I am sick to death of the parents of aggressive children justifying their kids’ unacceptable behavior. My daughter–a sweet, fairly timid girl, who likes to please–suffered through part of her first year of preschool, the victim of a biter. His parents thought his inappropriate and sometimes even predatory behavior somehow testified to his special passion and verve! The school finally expelled him, but not fast enough for us: we moved our daughter to a peaceful Montessori school, where she thrived.I think it is possible to overemphasize personality in our behavior expectations. Some acts are never okay. Biting another person is one of them.
Thanks for the feedback on the piece; I’m its author. I just wanted to say I’m sorry if it didn’t come across adequately, but I don’t think biting is ever okay, and my son hears this message every single time he bites. I don’t want to sound defensive (though that’s probably impossible) but we aren’t one of those families who refuse to set limits and boundaries for our precious snowflakes, I promise. Nor do I think that biting or other aggressive actions make my child special. Rather, I was just trying to explore something I see in his temperament and mine, and think about a lot.
My son was a biter and pincher mainly only his Dad, he thought it was hilarious he outgrew this just before he turned 2. My daughter went through the same phase except I was her main victim. My kids now 2 and 4 constantly switch hats when it comes to good girl/boy bad girl/boy. My son has hit the 4 year old whines which is driving us slightly mad. He has regressed at times to act and talk like his absolutly adorable 2 year old sister so we have really had to curb the gushing on her. My son is so funny and adorable but his whining makes him ugly at times. Last night at Costco a woman remarked at how my son was to old to be behaving “that way”(someone who obviously never had children or just beat them into submission). Daddy was embrassed and I told him she obviously is not a very kid keen person and proabably either beat her kids or never had any. Four is actually tougher then the 2′s they are smarter and louder. I told him I would rather have my kid scream while I patiently ignored him then be the one yelling as my kid ignored me. I firmly believe there are far more single persons these days who have no experience with kids then ever before. I find the single sect to be highly impatiant and childish in their own expectations of how a child should behave. They have no idea that no matter what you say or do if a child is having a tantrum it won’t stop until they are ready to stop or figure out what is bothering them. Turned out my son was frustrated because he had to go #2 but didn’t want to go in the store bathroom. Such a little thing to us to a 4 year old is a HUGE thing. But other people don’t put the reason for the behavior into perspective. They seem to assume “he/she” is just a spoiled evil child with nothing better to do then make a scene. I hope my lack of smacking and screaming pays off (not that I haven’t ever resorted to yelling or spanking)I just have found it does nothing to remedy the situation only make things more dramatic. Learning social behavior is one of the hardest parts of growing up. Some people seem to think we are born doing it. I say obvioulsy we weren’t because most adults still lack social quothe. Somedays my kids are more well behaved then the adults around them. We all have bad days from 0-100 years. Society should be more educated and empathetic towards the emotional growth of a child. I persoanlly think my kids are more good then bad it is just the bad that seems to stick in your mind because the stress related to the experience.
I appreciate this struggle. It is so frustrating to be the parent of the “bully,” even if the bully behavior is just a short phase.It is what you think it is- just your child exploring what the appropriate responses to the world are, what the appropriate ways to communicate are. It will likely be gone as soon as soon as he figures out a clearer way to communicate his feelings. It might not be a better way, just a clearer way.
I read the first page of this piece and clicked directly to the comments because I wanted to know if the other parents were going to pounce on this poor mom. My daughter was a biter too… thankfully, we never got a note from her preschool, but she bit me all the time. And without a hint of defense in my voice, I want to clarify that I think there are many types of biters. Some are really aggressive children who might have something else going on — including a really “bad” parent. But some, like my daughter, bite, IMHO, because they are overexcited and don’t know how else to express their emotion. My daughter almost exclusively bit me and my husband. She’d do it when we were playing or hugging… I could almost always anticipate when she’d chomp and it would even be a joke: “Ahhh, no biting!” we’d say as we came in for a hug. She’s turning 4 soon and the biting has long stopped. To the mom of the biter, I say try asking if your kid is biting the kids he likes the most. Maybe try talking to them about other ways to express how much they like someone… good luck!
wow. If you don’t live with that kid, you really don’t get it.This article hit a chord with me and helped me better understand my 4 yr old. He came out screaming and crying as an infant and quickly added head butting (at 6 mos – for fun!), hitting, biting, kicking, pinching, you name it. He definitely didn’t learn it in my house… I was not like this as a child – and neither was my husband – so we’ve struggled with how to deal with it. It’s not a phase for Keoni, it seems to be a form of expression– when he’s bored, angry, sad, or frustrated. He’s a very aggressive, emotional child – and uses all forms of communication – including physical. He hears from us and from teachers that his actions are not appropriate. He’s punished. He’s given choices and discussions ad naseum about his behavior. He can recognize bad behavior in other kids – and will say he does not want to be like them. But internal control of his emotions is the issue. It helped me to read about it from an adult who has lived through it and is helping her kids to deal with these kind of big emotions too. What a relief to hear that she turned them into strengths for herself! I want to whisper the same message to my precious son and help him grow up to be the incredible person I know is inside him.
Some folks just shouldn’t have children. Better to have dogs. My son bit a sweet little girl about his age at our home when he was three. I was horrified. We had several talks about this behavior. I was very watchful after that, and made sure it didn’t happen again. There’s nothing cute about a biter. violance should not be tolerated.
As the mother of a 12 month old who was just bitten by a 1 1/2 year old “frequent biter” at daycare, what am I to do? I feel for the parents, but I don’t want my child terrorized. So far I’ve done nothing but express concern to the provider
My child is the victim of a biter…I won’t make anymore comments about how we shouldn’t reward the biter, or tell him/her that they’re special – that’s been covered in the comments already.But try to think about it from the perspective of those parents who have their children bitten. It’s just as traumatizing, if not more so. I now think twice every single day about dropping my son off at daycare, a place I always felt was safe and secure for him. His providers are doing everything possible to separate him from the offending child, but that doesn’t lessen my worry.Any sort of aggressive behavior displayed by a child toward another person needs to be dealt with – period. Oh, and I was once one of those “single people” who didn’t have a child and would at least think about commenting on a child’s behavior in public. It’s public space – parent or non parent I shouldn’t be forced to be subjected to a child’s “emotional growth.” I’m much more sympathetic than I was, but it doesn’t make me tolerant of another child’s temper tantrum. Take it outside, take it home, take it somewhere else.
Again, I think this is a really lovely and thoughtful piece, but I agree that the focus is not where it should be.The sentence that got me was, “Daycare pickup has become a fraught moment for me.” All those incident reports you dread picking up each week? Our child was the victim two or three days of every week–with big bruises, welts, and even blood. There is a sad, scared child on the receiving end of every one of the bites your kid delivers.The good news is that almost all kids grow out of biting by the time they’re four. Maybe school or daycare is not the best place for biters until that time comes.
So, ummm, what is she actually going to do about the biter?
I agree Sheri. If a four-year-old is biting other children and refuses to stop, he or she needs to be removed for the safety and well-being of the other kids. I’m sorry, but I have no patience for this sort of thing. If your little darling can’t keep his or her teeth to his or her self, they need to be kept apart from their potential victims.
In this case, giving the child the message that biting is never okay “every time he bites” is not enough. He needs more help to end this dangerous behavior.
This piece was beautifully written and I identified with every word. I see my son struggle every day to keep his emotions in check. Sometimes he succeeds, and sometimes I get a call from his teacher. While I sympathize with the victims of aggressive kids, I think it’s important that as parents we try to see things from all points of view. I can only imagine how upset I would be if my child was bitten at school. And you should imagine what it’s like to see your child so twisted up inside that the only way he knows how to express himself is through biting/hiting/screaming etc. Believe me, that’s devastating too.
“And you should imagine what it’s like to see your child so twisted up inside that the only way he knows how to express himself is through biting/hiting/screaming etc”If a child is that “twisted up inside,” he or she needs professional help. While I certainly sympathize with parents who children have special needs, the need to bite/hit/otherwise violate my children is not one that I’m going to accept. Frankly, I’m astounded that the parents who children have been bitten by the child in this essay haven’t demanded his removal. That would certainly in the case in my children’s preschools!
Biting among three year olds is incredibly common. There is a reason child development books are filled with advice on the topic. What I’ve read is that it crops up when children’s undeveloped language and problem solving skills can’t keep up with their big emotions – and that it goes away once the language and problem solving get a little more advanced. Which is not to say that parents and day-care providers can’t try to prevent it – mostly through constant hovering – but allow me to guess that three-year-old Amish kids have bitten, along with three-year-old Neanderthals, three-year-old Cossacks and three-year-old Tibetans. I doubt it has much to do with “parenting style.”So far, it has not been an issue in my life, but are parents here suggesting that parents of biters not be able to work outside the home? Or to do so only if they can afford a nanny, rather than group day care or preschool?Or perhaps you’re just objecting to an essay in which the mother of a biter is horrified by her child’s behavior but finds that it does not diminish her love? For clarity, my child isn’t a biter.
Yeah, I don’t have a biter either (knock on wood since she’s only 1 1/2), but I’ve had friends on both sides of it. I don’t really buy any big psychologizing about toddlers – it starts because the kid happens upon it and gets a nice big charge out of it. Really, if you think about it, biting is just plain pleasurable to humans and a great focus for pain/frustration (think: biting on a strap in old westerns). So, in that sense it’s instinctive and natural behavior, BUT because it feels so good, it’s GOT to be nipped in the bud (uh, so to speak) because the victims have more right to walk around unhurt. When a kid gets the fever, it doesn’t make him bad or evil or even a bully, but it does make him dangerous and might require a different setting for a while to break the habit or hopefully stop it from becoming a habit. I feel for the parents (seriously! It could happen to any of us!) and the difficulties this creates, but…the kid is hurting others.
Thankyou catmom, for a welcome voice of reason!
My best friend’s son (6 months younger than my daughter) was a biter. And a hitter and a shover, and, in general, a very intense, high-strung, impulsive little boy. He outgrew it, and out friendship survived because even though my daughter was the victim on all of our visits, my friend did everything she could to get him to stop. Time-outs (in his crib in his room). Talking. Yelling. Taking something away. But what the detractors above don’t get is this: 2 year olds simply cannot control themselves at times. Nor can all three year olds. Some kids, the sweet, easy, non-aggressive ones, easily can. But sometimes the parent is doing everything “right” and it is just how that child is at that point. They WILL outgrow it; my friend’s son certainly has. Children are not born blank slates, they have certain inborn traits, and you cannot get it out of them when they are 2. Having said all that…no child should be the repeated vicitm of biting or hitting at school. Many preschools have a “three strikes and you’re out” policy at school, which is probably the only fair thing for the other parents. There is no easy solution to this, but even though my daughter was not the biter, the hitter, my point is this: she could have been.
Yes, Catmom, we who have a problem with children being biten at places where we PAY for them to be kept safe clearly just hate That Kid’s mom for loving her son, flaws and all. How reasonable!That Kid’s mom wrote the essay for a colomn titled “Bad Parent” — and, it reasonably follows that such a column exists to stir up controversy, and that some of us are going to find it somewhat less than “beautiful.” However, none of us who voiced objections have labeled her a bad parent. On the other hand? I do think she should give more thought to her child’s little victims. Four years old is old enough to understand that biting isn’t socially acceptable behavior. Four years old is a year away from public school, which will send him directly home if he assaults another kid.
Anyone ever bite a kid back?
Catmom, I think you misunderstand the focus of concern in some responses. What most commenters are reacting to is the fact that this seems to have become routine behavior. The author says that she dreads pick-up because the teacher so often hands her an incident report. According to this scenario, it’s gone beyond typical childhood behavior that you see described in the parenting aisle at Border’s.You don’t have to be a bad parent or a bad child to develop behavior that is unhealthy and/or unsafe. But you will become that–or at least be labeled that (a situation that can be difficult for a child’s social development) if the behavior problem is not resolved.
Am I the only mom horrified by the “state reports” mentioned in this article? Perhaps I should have prefaced this by saying that I’m not coming down on either side of biting – really, it’s horrible for the kids who are bitten and it’s horrible for the children who are biting because they have a frustration that they can’t work out in a positive manner. My child has bitten me a few times and been punished, and she has been the victim of biting – we’re on both side of the fence here!But getting back to these reports – does this mean this little boy who went through an admittedly nasty phase when he was a toddler will now be followed by the mistakes of his childhood? Does this mean the state is going to begin an inquisition of families because their children act out? I’m aware there are signs of abuse or domestic disturbances that daycare workers need to be mindful of, but now we’re requiring state reports for each and every child-on-child act of so-called violence? Let’s face it, kids are very, very naughty on occasion. Kids raised in incredible households, with plenty of appropriate discipline and smothered with love, act out. They’re KIDS.
I was quite surprised by the article. It justifies bad behavior. Does not matter how “emotionally special” a child is; if the child is terrorizing other kids, and displaying bad behavior, then he/she needs to be punished and removed from the vicinity of other kids.Its the biter kid’s parents’ problem that their kid is “special”… nobody else’s and other poor kids should not be subjected to it.Try talking/lecturing to aggressive adults, it doesn’t work. How would it work for kids? They have to realize that there is an unpleasant follow-up to bad behavior.Talking about misplaced passions/emotions in kids, one kid I knew went around shouting “shut up” to everyone who approached the kid to show any affection. His mother justified it by saying how “smart” her child his, so he picks up bad words and then uses them. Thats it! That was the response, and the kid was sweetly told not to use “shut up” which he chose to ignore.Maybe that mom can write an article about how she and her kid both are so smart and so misunderstood.
I am the mom of a 17 month old biter, who recently learned to pinch. Your article is so moving it brough tears to my eyes. Thank you for writing it!P.S. My son has also been a victim of a biter, and was expelled from 2 daycares in 4 months.
Jeanne: The “reports” are required by law for most daycares and preschools, especially those that receive any government funding. It is essentially to ensure that the school is noting acts of aggression and informing both victim and offender. It’s not to track the kid later in life, it’s to cover their butts so that everyone knows the school has been aware of the incidents. Also, they can use them to kick a chronic aggressor out. But fwiw – biting is not “so called” violence. Even if it is age-appropriate, (and sometimes it is, sometimes it’s not) it IS violent.
Momofthree, the author says her child is a toddler. I define toddler as between 18 months and three years, although I think others define it as 12 months to three years.
And Hand, reading the books and the comments on this piece both point in one direction – toddler biting, including oft-repeated toddler biting – is well within the spectrum of the Borders parenting aisle.This idea that you pay a day care to keep your toddler safe and secure is limited by the reality that they are only as safe and secure as they can be among a tribe of semi-supervised toddlers. What’s the child-”teacher” ratio for that age again? One to seven? One to ten? Depending on the state that you are living in.Keep that in mind the next time somebody talks to you about high quality daycare.
Hi catmom,I think you’re confusing my posts with someone else’s. I never mentioned daycare.
Only the first sentence was addressed to you. The following paragraphs were a separate line of thought. Sorry I was confusing.
My 2-year-old was bitten twice at daycare in the space of a month (by the same child, no less), and quite frankly I was glad when he was asked to leave. Even so, I still had to deal with the aftermath because for weeks my daughter would scream in terror when I dropped her off in the mornings. And, honestly, who could blame her? Why should my child suffer because your child can’t keep his teeth to himself?
> “Anyone ever bite a kid back?”I thought about it. J (c.30 months then) went through a couple of weeks when he bit some other kids. Strangely, for him it was each time in defence of another child when the perp had but their arm next to his mouth.He bit himself by accident and I pointed out that was how his victims felt. Seemed to do the trick.
I read no excuses in this article- only an attempt to understand behavior. So many of you are so unforgiving and down right mean. I hope this is not what you are modeling for your children. Toddlers hit, bite and kick and others get hit, bitten, and kicked. This is part of life. Let’s not brand the biters as violent little terrors for if we do guess what we’ll get? If we show them (and others) love, compassion and understanding (as clearly this mom is doing) this is hopefully what they will learn. I have nothing but respect for someone who has studied herself and is not afraid to admit to her flaws. It seems as though others might benefit from the same sort of self study.
My son is 11 months old and is bitten about every other day by a 15-month-old boy in his day care class.But here’s the thing–he doesn’t seem to care all that much. And the biter in question is my son’s favorite human being other than me and his dad. He literally lights up when he sees this little boy.I visit every day to breastfeed, so I feel like I know the biter pretty well. He’s a sweet little boy–not aggressive, just kind of rough and tumble–he just is searching for the right way to express himself. I’ve talked to the day care workers about what I see, and they confirm–he only bites who he likes, and it’s kind of his communication tool. And he and my son are best buddies.I know that many biters are doing it out of anger or aggression, but there are all different kinds of biters out there, and all different kinds of motivations and reasons. We correct bad behavior, but we also need to understand it. And freaking out and calling others bad parents (unless they are truly negligent), or worse, calling a 2-year-old biter a bad child, doesn’t really help anyone.
I agree with 2cents completely. I hear a lot of finger pointing and generalizations in these comments. I thought the article was very thoughtful and not at all defensive.
What’s the big deal if your kid gets bit at daycare? It won’t traumatize them. Really…
I have a vivid memory of biting another child when I was about three or four (he was slightly younger). He was teasing me and his sister, and when he laughingly continued to tease us after she told him to stop, I felt overcome by frustration and rage, and LUNGED at him. I didn’t actually bite his skin, but I did chomp on his shirtfront and growl a bit, and basically scared the crap out of him. I still remember how satisfying it felt to get my feelings out in this animal form, and *make* him stop bothering us. It was definitely all about feeling enraged about the absence of control, and not knowing how to handle that.Of course, as a result, I got in huge trouble with the child’s mother, was sent home in disgrace, and was heaped with shame by my own mother. The thing was though, I had never bitten anyone before, and for that reason I don’t think anyone had bothered to tell me it was wrong. One time was definitely enough to learn my lesson and it never happened again, but I still sort of resent how I was expected to naturally understand that this was the wrong way to handle my feelings. I don’t know what’s going on with the author’s son — my sense is that with “habitual” biters there may be some other dynamic involved — but in my personal experience, it was definitely a case of suffering an overwhelming emotion and releasing it in the way that felt most natural.
My son is 21 months and is a biter. So far I am his only victim and it almost always happens when I’m getting him ready for bed, which he dislikes. I respond by saying no very firmly and giving him time outs, but this has been going on for several months now and with no sign of any change. In his case, I am really hoping that he will outgrow this phase once he starts verbalizing more. Right now he only has about 15 words and is much slower to talk than his older sister. I am at my wit’s end here and I really enjoyed this article and all the comments for some perspective.
I have a recently turned 5 year old boy who is very intense, strongly emotional and has had a hard time managing himself and his emotions appopriately. We are good parents, we try to do the best we can and we got him and us help at the age of 3. While he has never bit another child, he has had some epic tantrums and his crying and screaming were just out of control. When life is not easy for the average toddler, toddlers with intense emotions just cannot deal with normal kid stuff. It is very very hard on parents of children like this and this issue is more common than you might think. having said that I do believe that many kids are not socially or emotionally ready for preschool or daycare at 2, 3, or even 4. My son could handle a 3 hour program of mothers day out a coupel of days in the week but nothing more than that. Sometimes the difficult decision needs to be made to have a parent stay home and take care of the child till they are able to handle this seperation. This is very difficult in this country and the lack of support is probably the reason so many children and parents seem to have “problems” like this. I was raised in India and people were more understanding of children and their needs and the level of family support whether parents were working or not is such that children have a lot of supervision and attention. When I go back to visit with my kids, I can see that while indian kids have less self independence (do not self feed and and babied till much later in life)they seem to be emotionally a lot less vulnerable than kids over here. They appear more adaptable and empathetic to people across the board compared to my kids who are more fearful and seem less adaptable to new faces and ideas bc their life is so isolated in the US. This is not a criticism of society and much as it is an observation within my own family.
> “Anyone ever bite a kid back?”Mine started to bite fairly soon after he got his first few teeth. He was given a stern “no” and the glare the first couple of times. The 3rd time his mother bit him back and he’s never done it since. However, I suspect that the reasons a one year old and a 5 year old bite are vastly different.
Wow. Some of the parents are mean. Where do you get off demonizing 2 year olds? Biting is a normal albeit not desirable toddler behavior. You’re not helping matters by giving the virtual stink eye to parents and teachers who are working to change this behavior. God, I hate people sometimes.
Hahaha There’s a biter in every family. The plus side is that you never see a teenager bite, so eventually they all grow out of it.