Mover and Shaker
How can I get my active toddler to sit still?
My 10.5 month-old boy is constantly moving. I mean, CONSTANTLY. He doesn’t stop going until he breaks down in tears for a nap, bottle or food. He doesn’t actually sit and play with toys, he goes in laps, gets to a toy, maybe chews it for a minute or bangs on it, then moves to the next thing. He pushes his toys around, but won’t do things like stack rings or put shapes in holes. We do baby music classes and the other kids (same age) will sit nicely on their mothers’ laps and clap and play along. Not him! He’ll scream bloody murder if I try to hold him on my lap. He’d rather be pulling up on chairs or crawling/toddling in laps around the room. Am I expecting too much, too early? Or is there a way to make him sit still a few times a day? Should I be worried that nothing will hold his attention (besides walking)? Is he going to be like this when he’s five? Because if so, God help me. – Exhausted in St. Louis
Dear Exhausted,
There’s no real way to know whether this is a phase, or a temperament. You won’t know until you’re looking back on it: Either this period will be the beginning of a narrative about his intense exuberance or he’ll emerge as a placid big kid and you’ll only vaguely remember some hectic moments early on. It sometimes seems like the pre-ambulatory period is particularly frustrating for a kid who likes to move. Once he has more control of his physical faculties, he may feel less need to flail in all directions at all times. Then again, he may, literally, take off running.
It’s very easy to get into worrying about how things will develop and whether this or that is a warning sign of who knows what. But at this point, there’s no reason to stress about your son’s behavior as a permanent state of affairs or a harbinger of things to come. What you’ve got right now is an active toddler. No more, no less. And what you need now are practical solutions to make your life easier. So:
• Go with the movement rather than against it. Find situations where your kid’s disposition is an asset. Or at least in sync with the environment. Take him to a tumbling class, or a big open space instead of a place where you’ll be constantly trying to contain him. Get him some force toys – maybe some things to push and pull and pummel. Or even chew. Put some cushions on the floor. (Despite our most valiant intentions, we’ve both relinquished adult ownership of our respective couches to provide cushioned landing sites for toddler diving.)
• Keep an eye on his behavior and see if any patterns emerge. Food, sleep, environment, noise level, social situations . . . there are tons of factors that can affect kids’ behavior. If you notice that he seems particularly riled by certain things or at certain times, you may be able to tweak your day to encourage slightly more controlled periods of mania and periods of calmness.
• Try not to compare your kid to others. All kids are different. If you’re constantly trying to fit another mold the floor of your patience will drop right out from under you. And looking at other kids might distract from figuring out what your own kid is needing or not needing.
• Find some kids who are more like your kid. They’re out there, believe us. You may not see them in music class, because their parents have realized that trying to sit their kids still for forty-five minutes is a recipe for high anxiety. Try parks, playgrounds, sports classes. Or just listen for the mother in the park screaming, “Oscar! Nooooooo!” as a little blaze of snaps and overalls shoots towards the street, howling with glee.
It doesn’t sound like you’re particularly concerned about your son in any medical sense, nor does it seem like you should be. Your pediatrician is a good resource to gauge what’s reasonable to expect developmentally at any time. You might want to run your observations by the doc at the next visit. But from where we sit – nervously perched, ready to spring into action at any time – what you’re experiencing sounds well within the range of the extremely active side of normal.
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My daughter started walking at 10.5 months and has not sat still since. She’s 2 now and it has not changed. I now can spot a ‘high energy, high need’ kid when they’re still infants. They’re the ones groaning in frustration when a toy rolls out of their reach or trying to pull mom’s plate off the dinner table. We literally need to run our daughter like a horse every day: park time, swimming, gymnastics, etc. I can’t wait until she’s old enough for soccer and can run up and down a field with a ball. We have turned to the sportier type classes and will try everything to see what sticks. But again, park park park. What’s really hard is you can never leave them out of your eyesight at home, because they will crawl to the top of the couch and try to jump off, try to climb up the chimney, want to jump out of the car, try to roll the kiddie pool across the street, etc. Look on the bright side: perhaps there is an NCAA scholarship in our future!
This article could have been written about my son. He has been CRAZY
active ever since he started crawling at 7 months. He’ll be five soon
and his favorite activity this summer was sports camp at the YMCA.
Sometimes we’ll get to preschool early and I’ll have him run up and
down the sidewalk (as a favor to his teacher) to get some energy out.
The other night he and his sister played “run around the house” where
they ran laps until they got to 100. The upside for us? He sleeps
very well at night!
I have 3, a 5 year old and twin 3 year olds and from a couple classes we took when my oldest was 2 and we didn’t know how to handle it, I can tell you that the best way to deal with it is to go with it. When you need their focus, get them to “move walls” by pushing up against the walls, while exclaiming that the room is getting bigger… have them walk like bears, crawl like snakes… push big trucks around… they are feeling everything in their muscles and seeking ways to appease what they’re feeling, so structure it.
Today, my boys all will run when it’s time to run, sit and do a puzzle when it’s time to do a puzzle and it’s attributed to the fact that they learned how to deal with their muscles when they were young and in the process also learned how to control them. The most we try to force them to do what we think we need them to do, the more they will fight and struggle, and the growth changes from dealing with their muscles to also dealing with their parents frustration… and sometimes those don’t always work hand in hand?
I read this and it, too, sounds like my son at that age, though he also had more unusual behaviors. Does your son want to open and close things for no apparent reasons? Does he seem extra sensitive to light, sound, noise? Is he putting everything in his mouth? Is he interested in other kids, even if it’s just parallel play? If he runs off, does he respond (stop, not to mention turn his head around) when you call, aka scream, his name? Does he seem to get unusally upset whenever there’s a change/transition? I don’t want to alarm you, but there may be sensory issues, at the least, involved you should know about, the sooner the better. Also, you should definitely mention all you’ve observed to your pediatrician. I hope I’m not upsetting anyone but they have to screen for autism at age 2. (I only wish they’d had this when my son’s doc didn’t pay attention to my early worries.) If you have any concerns, it’s worth raising them. If there are enough worrisome signs, you should have him evaluated. Again, the earlier intervention can begin, the better. The spectrum is very, very wide these days–our son was recently diagnosed with Aspergers at 6, after much work on my part to get the “experts” to see it wasn’t just ADHD and ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). Again, I don’t want to alarm you and you may not want to hear it. I’m not sure I would have. But it doesn’t hurt to know the signs to look out for. So many kids like mine–extremely verbal and bright, eye contact and relatedness (though not all the time), but with a serious lack of social skills and empathy and VERY HIGH activity–are slipping through the cracks, being misdiagnosed or not evaluated at all because everyone says “he’s just a boy.” I truly hope your son is fine, but this is an important message to get out to everyone.
I was also going to mention a book – “Raising your Spirited Child” by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka that was also very helpful for us. She does talk about rating your child for certain tendencies, such as sensitivity to light or noise, and she does address energy levels as well.
Believe me, we keep our son as active as possible. He has gym every day — I know, we’re lucky, but his special school “gets” it — along with recess. He takes gymnastics (he sure loves the trampoline), swimming, until recently he was doing soccer, too, but we hope to get his PT reinstated. I’ve taken him to the park in freezing weather to run and play and swing (he esp. loves this), climb and kick a soccer ball; it’s all more challenging while living in an NYC apartment, of course. Oh, did I mention we let him jump on our very nice king-sized bed? And our couch, where we sometimes have him leap onto his bean bag, anything to get his “sillies” out? We also have created obstacle course to, as barefoot put it, keep things structured. And all the tips about giving him input by letting him push on walls, or pull things, as well as carrying heavy things, have helped. Occupational and physical therapists call it “input.”
These comments are so interesting and helpful! I don’t know if my elder son is nearly as active as what some of you all are describing, but he’s very high energy, and chatty and has a hard time calming down for naps. My mom keeps “hinting”
(not subtle) that I talk to his doctor and/or do some research about how to help him practice unwinding his mind a bit. I will take some of these suggestions for sensory input and use them as needed, as well as checking out the book suggested by NoHo. Thanks, fellow parents!
My older daughter, now 5, was the same way. Take heart, but put on your running shoes, too. I’m convinced it’s temperament, and you’ll just need to do activities that work well for your son. The previous commenters have it right: forget the structured classes because you’ll only cause yourself and your son frustration. For our daughter, that was true with tumbling classes, too. She could NOT wait in line while eight other kids did their tumbling trick, even at age three.I love to run, too, so Ava and I spent many hours at parks, running through fields, rolling down hills, exploring tree trunks and garden pathways. We joked it was like running a dog or horse. As soon as she could ride a trike, I strapped her on the Radio Flyer (with the pushbar) and made her pedal those strong little legs for a mile or two every day as well. Still, she stopped napping before age two and could not remotely sleep through the night until a few months past 3.5.Here’s the bright side: She is stunningly smart, engaging, and creative. She has blown us away with her costumes and shows and jokes and songs. Yes, she can pitch equally creative fits, but her passion and mind are awesome. I bet your son will be the same way. And in the months approaching age five, she kind of…chilled out a bit. She can now focus, is reading, does well in kindergarten, is rarely frenzied. It will come…and you will sort of miss the frenzy in a way.Now we have a 14-month-old girl, too, and I’m amazed to watch her do things like stack rings or push the buttons on a toy. She’s very active, too, but just not in the frenzied, unfocused way our older daughter was. She has been a HORRIBLE sleeper, but in the daytimes she is easier…thank god.Believe me, the next few years will fly by. Play outside, drink lots of coffee, get some good running shoes.
Our 1 1/2 year old is like this, too. We found that eliminating the number of toys he has really helps. We put away everything but 4 books, 2 puzzles, and a couple toys. Now when we play, we focus on the few toys that are out and he is slowly learning to play with each of them instead of carrying various toys around the house and then carrying another and another and another without stopping.
Sometimes less is more for an easily distracted kid!
Welcome to life with ‘the active child’ but don’t over think this. As the mother of 2 frenetic boys who are now happy, non-frenetic young adults, I remember those days as fun and zany rather than exhausting and nerve-rattling (though they were).
His motor runs fast. Just help him steer when needed so the car doesn’t run off the road. And engage his dad in the physical, active play. They love it!
Both my daughters this way though one more than the other part of it was simply when they started walking.
I have found my kids are both much more calm if they can actually go outside to play so bundle up and go out. You can also try Open gym at gymnastics studios and roller skating anyone who can walk can skate the skates don’t even have to fit just tie them tight. Also swim lessons.