My Daughter Is Introverted
Why couldnt I understand?
“How come you never pick her up?” my friend Kristen asked, looking at my four-month-old baby, Ani, sitting on the floor. We sat sipping ice tea in my living room. “Oh, you don’t know her yet,” I said. “Watch this.”
I scooped up Ani, and she immediately began to cry. I put her back down on the floor and she stopped just as suddenly.
“See? She doesn’t like to be held.”
And she didn’t. But, that didn’t mean I didn’t feel awful, like somehow it was my fault. At night when I nursed, I imagined what I could do differently: more massage? More toys? More of something? And I couldn’t help but think that Ani didn’t want to cuddle because of something I did wrong.
Years later, Ani’s aversion to cuddling persisted, even at bedtime. But bedtime is the time for snuggling and cuddling, right? I’d read her stories, hug and kiss her, but she rarely hugged me back. When she did, she’d get this look of terror on her face with her eyebrows crunched together and she’d wince like she was about to touch something prickly. I’d reach for a hug and watch her arms become floppy and limp.
After the hug came the “I love you” part of bedtime. I’d say it; she wouldn’t. Once, she grunted. I took that as an “I love you,” but it wasn’t really.
“Would it be so hard to say it back to me?” I asked her one night.
“I don’t know.”
“Will you say it to me one day?”
“Maybe.”
“Do you love me?”
“Yes,” she groaned.
“Okay, then, good-night.”
When Ani starting going to preschool two mornings a week, I’d see the other cubbies filled with messy papers, dripping with not-quite dried glue, fingerprints and marker scribbles. Not Ani’s. So I asked her, “Why don’t you do the art projects?” To me they seemed like proof of childhood, something God-awful to hang on the fridge and show the world that a child lived in my house.
“I don’t want to,” she answered.
I persisted for weeks. “Just try, can’t you just try an art project? You like doing art at home!”
“I don’t want to.”
I eventually asked the teacher, “What does she do when the other kids are making art?”
Her teacher, the perfect gray-haired, apple-print-dress-wearing teacher answered easily, “She watches. Some kids just like to watch.”
Really?
“But, no one else’s kid does!” I protested, wondering if something was wrong with her.
“Some kids need to watch. She’s happy, don’t worry,” reassured Ani’s teacher.
But, I worried, hoping that the next year, she’d be more mature, more comfortable, and more participatory. Every day when I dropped her off, I drove away feeling sad, thinking of Ani just watching the other kids play.
The next year at preschool was no different. On Clifford Day, the kids got to wear red to school. How exciting, she loves Clifford, I thought. But Ani said, “I don’t want to wear red” and threw a crying, screaming fit when I tried to force on a red shirt.
“Why?”
Why was a dumb question. It finally occurred to me to ask a different one, the one I really cared about. “Are you happy when you watch the other kids?”
“Yes,” she said simply.
That surprised me. But I was still worried. How come no one else’s kid seemed like mine – happy to watch, uninterested in physical contact, unmotivated by the group dynamic.
When Ani was three, I took her to swimming lessons at our local Recreation Center. She stayed on the edge, feet in the water, refusing to move for . . . six weeks. She eventually got in only when I put on my bathing suit, stood there in the water and said, “We are not going home, or anywhere, until you get your whole body into this swimming pool.” She did it. It was a hollow victory but a victory nonetheless.
I kept her in swimming lessons for two years despite any significant progress. My “social service moment” occurred when once again, Ani refused to get into the pool. The other children were swimming laps. 1 minute. 5 minutes. 10 minutes. They were in; Ani was still out. I should mention that by this time, I had an elaborate system of rewards in place for every wet swimming lesson. Yet this time it wasn’t enough. I’m embarrassed to admit that bad psycho mom emerged from the depths of my soul.
“Get in the water! NOW,” I screamed.
“No.”
At which point I pushed her in. Or did I throw her?
Satisfied with her entrance to the water, and despite her crying, I turned around, feeling very pleased with my accomplishment. I showed her, I thought – until I noticed the horrified expressions of the other parents sitting on the pool bench watching.
We dropped out of swimming that day. We left and did not return.
Something needed to change. And that something was me.
(from The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child
by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D.)
- Speak softly and occasionally pause to hunt for words
- Act quiet in many situations but may be chatty in comfortable surroundings
- Feel tired after social outings and need time to recharge in quiet
- Look and sound hesitant at times
- Enter new situations slowly
- Look away when speaking but make good eye contact when listening
- Look disinterested, glazed over, or overwhelmed at times
Gifts of Introverted Children
(from The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child
by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D.)
- Rich inner life
- High social I.Q.
- Healthy
- Self-motivated
- Often gifted
- Love to learn
- Think outside the box
- Excel in the creative arts
- Enjoy their own company
The change came like sky writing, whacking me over the head one day. And it came from a television morning show.
“Introverts,” announced the morning’s guest, “will often look away when people talk to them and will take a few moments to think before responding to questions.” The expert continued, “Introverts prefer to observe before participating.” Listening, I thought of swimming lessons, preschool and Sunday school. Check.
The guest, Dr. Marti Olsen Laney, explained that introversion was a temperament a person has from birth; it’s different than shyness or social anxiety. Introversion meant that a person drew energy from within themselves, not from other people, as extroverts do.
I opened my laptop and ordered her book, The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child. Introversion seemed like the key I needed to understand and dare I say, accept my own daughter. What’s more, I couldn’t stop thinking of something Dr. Olsen-Laney said: “Introversion is not a failure of extroversion”.
Slowly, I felt worse and worse, like the worst mom in the world. I knew that deep down I believed something was wrong with my daughter because she didn’t act like an extrovert – like me.
I learned more about introverts to fully appreciate my daughter and her special temperament. I started to see the benefits of introversion, like strong internal motivation. I was thrilled when Ani, at age seven, decided to learn to knit. That day, my mother-in-law was over and taught Ani the basic knit stitch. Ani sat in our brown armchair for six hours with a skein of rainbow-colored yarn and her needles, taking only one break for the bathroom. By the end of the six hours, she had knit two feet of a scarf. The next morning, she raced out of bed, sat down with her knitting and again, didn’t move until the scarf was finished at three and a half feet. See? I told myself, internal motivation is great!
It wasn’t long after this day that Ani gave me, her extroverted mama, a surprising gift.
It was the middle of first grade. I opened the front door to watch her walk to the bus stop across the street. “Good-bye, have a good day. I love you!” I said as I did every day.
Ani started through the door. “I love you, too,” she said halfway out, her back to me.
“Um, what?” I asked. “Did you just say I love you?”
Ani stopped, turned to look back at me and smiled, “Yes.” Her smile turned into a smirk, and she turned back around and clomped off to the bus stop.
I’m not worried anymore. Ani is fine.
And so am I.
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I think Melissa is incredibly brave to look at this situation so honestly. We all want to “do it right (whatever that means)” with our kids. And to be able to say a situation as big as this was so confusing is a great model for all of us.
Suzanne
This is an awesome story. You were never a bad mom (although I know the feeling), you just had set expectations from Ani).
I think the most important lesson we have to learn as moms is to accept our kids as the individuals they are. Just because they do not like what you like or do not have the same personality as you or your husband, does not mean that you will never be close to your kids. If you let them be, they will come around because they feel accepted.
I learned that even before I had kids so I made it a point to not even learn the sex of my babies. I will let them come into this world as they are, special human beings.
Extroverts have such trouble “fixing” introverts. Our culture helps them, pointing out that all those mass murderers were “loners” who “kept to themselves.” Luckily for Ani (and you) she will learn how to put on a game face, speak up, make eye contact and still be herself —but then she’ll need a nap. Let her take it please. All those extroverts exhaust us.
Interesting article. I just posted a blog dealing with this subject – how sometimes we wish for the child our friend has instead of our own: http://thanksfornotyelling.com/2010/08/10/other-peoples-kids/
I am an introvert raising a young extrovert. It’s fun but tiring.
Of course you didn’t know, introverts can grasp the reality of extroverts (who are the majority), but not the opposite. You shouldn’t blame yourself… I was an introvert, and my mom (well, pretty much my whole family) was extrovert, so it was similar than what you described… And sometimes tough. I still don’t think she ever “got me”, even at 35. But it wouldn’t occur to me to blame her -no one chooses to be who they are. My son is an introvert as well, however, and I’m really happy I can understand.
As the mom of another introvert, THANK YOU for posting this. It’s written with courage and honesty, and you are a rockstar for doing so. What I really want to say, though, is directed at any readers who are interested enough in this topic to be perusing the comments section. The desire to “fix” introverts does not stop with well-meaning moms. It exists in society at large, including teachers, relatives, and well- (or not so well-) meaning strangers. And — and, and, AND — introverts are prone to misdiagnoses. I’ve stopped counting how often my loving, affectionate, but uncommonly cautious 4-year-old boy has been “diagnosed” with Asperger’s syndrome. What I do know is that little Ani is lucky to have a loving, extroverted mom by her side. Because she’s going to need someone to stick up for her.
Maybe read “The Highly Sensitive Person.” Sometimes kids have sensory overload issues, or SPD. It’s heartening that you’re so attentive to your daughter’s needs. Hang in there.
What a great way to describe what introverted feels like. It’s so easy to think our child should be a certain way and hard for us to grasp when it is uncomfortable for us. This article made me laugh and brought tears. As mom’s we love to hear I love you from our children. Thanks for bringing to light how we need to take the time to understand our children, learn their gifts, and not force them to be what we expect.
Mira,
Isn’t that interesting that introverts get misdiagnosed? I’ve been asked that a lot, too – if she’s autistic. She’s not.
Melissa
Wow, Melissa. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I am so happy for you that understanding has brought you peace and more closeness with your daughter. I think, no, I know I would’ve done the same thing at the pool. It must have been so hard for you to go to class all those weeks and not see progress. You are a very patient and loving mom. Ani is very blessed to have you.
Amazing, Melissa! Our kids can teach us so much when we let them. It’s a good thing you’re a learning junky!!
How do you know your daughter is not autistic? Have you had her tested? Have you talked to your pediatician about her issues? You really didn’t explain this in your article. She may need professional help with her issues as she continues in school. Other teachers are not going to be so understanding as to let your daughter just “watch” art, etc. I really hope you post some followup on this in the future.
Sometimes I wonder how introverted vs. extroverted I am. I know that I don’t mind being alone. I’m usually quiet around strangers, even though I can motivate myself into being sociable.
Suz,
Good question – yes, she has been evaluated but I’m not opposed to second opinions or a late diagnosis. As a mom, I need to be open to who she is and helping her develop to her full potential as an individual. (Even if I don’t understand it!)
Here’s a link to a self-assessment to see if you’re an introvert: http://www.theintrovertadvantage.com/being.html
Loved, loved, loved this article. My daughter is introverted around other kids, prickly to personal contact, and prefers to be left alone when upset. It’s difficult to understand and even more difficult to get other people to – I’ve gotten a lot of the well-meaning ‘autism” comments. How nice to know that other moms go through this – the worry that comes with, why isn’t my child like other children?
This made me laugh because I didn’t see this in my son sooner. I laughed because I suddenly remembered how in my own childhood my mother agonized over all the time I spent alone even going so far as to invite children o er for me to play with. It was short lived when she found them on their coats waiting by the from door. After Ll of ten minutes I had told them to get ready to go because their mothers had called and it was now time for them all to go home.
My own son is a watcher and always has been since hevess a toddler. I have worried about him but reading this it all makes sense and better still because if I think about it I really do understand that it’s just the way he (and I) are.
I love this article. My 4 yo is an introvert and I find myself apologizing for her shyness all the time, like there’s something wrong with it. What a great wake up to accept that she doesn’t need to be fixed and I can unapologetically explain why she doesn’t participate like the other kids.
Thank you for your article! I also have had a couple of meltdowns in relation to my daughter’s introversion before I took a good look at the situation and realized I was the one with the problem. It means a lot to me to know that I’m not the only one. The first time she wouldn’t participate at a birthday party and the second time was our first and last day of ballet lessons when I tried bribing her to participate. I ended up embarrassing myself, looking like a jerk and confusing my daughter. At the party she was participating in her way – by observing. I’ve since learned my lesson and forced myself to back off and let her enjoy life on her terms. It’s important for her to be her own person without being made to feel like there is something wrong with that.
I find it’s so reassuring to find I’m not alone, either. Thanks for your comments – now for a group hug!!
Suz, having an autistic son, Ani doesn’t sound autistic, just introverted! There’s not necessarily something wrong with her just because she’s different.
I can relate to this so much because I’ve been there and despaired over my daughter’s unwillingness to join in immediately, or her requests to not have playdates. I’ve only recently begun to understand her as an introvert and to be okay with that (and she’s 5!, although she was more extroverted as a toddler, so maybe that’s why we have been taken off guard). However, she didn’t like to cuddle as a baby either, and she was always slow to join in at birthday parties, music class, etc. My husband always wants to push her to be more extroverted, but I’ve learned to back off. She’s not an extreme introvert, because she does get recharged by playing with kids, but she definitely needs to be alone a lot. Thank you for writing this because it confirms my recent thoughts on how to respond to her “shyness”/ introversion, and will allow me to be more forthright when discussing with my husband. He’s afraid of labeling her, but it’s not about labels, it’s about empathy and understanding.
This was well written and wonderfully honest. Thank you. But as I was reading this I kept thinking Sensory Processing Disorder, too. The aversion to hugs and messy art projects are what made me think of it.
As an introvert, I have to agree that it sounds like something a bit more than introversion (definitely some sensory stuff with the hugging, the painting, the water, etc.). Introverted kids are typically more quiet, reserved, etc., but not necessary less physical in situations where they are comfortable (like alone with a parent). But you know what, if she’s happy and you’re happy, it doesn’t really matter.
Beth, I understand your husband’s aversion to labeling a child — we have the sense that labeling limits our kids, puts them on a certain track. However, when we define our children’s personality characteristics, understanding that it can be fluid because they are children, it can lead to so many benefits – helping us parent for their needs, and /or get them help if they need it. I’m thinking of introverts in the classroom. If their teachers could also understand their learning preferences (like to working alone or taking longer time to think) – the label aka. definition would be a good thing!
Uh, no. This is not brave. This is not honest. This is a disservice to other parents whose children may have similar traits. The child described herein is not just ‘introverted’. Four month olds are not ‘introverted’ with their mothers. Real up.
That was an incredible article; very honest, real, and moving! Kudo’s to you for writing such a well written article from the heart! Inspiring!!!
I love the way you figured out how to get alongside Ani and understand her. My situation is the opposite — I am an introvert with an extroverted daughter. Your article has turned on a light bulb for me.
Kudos!
Lori, Thanks – and congrats on the mention in Parents!!
This was interesting to me, but more as a wife than a parent. I’m an introvert who has been married to an extrovert for more than ten years, and he still doesn’t understand why I can’t just walk into a cocktail party and smooze his clients (for example)–especially since I’m so “friendly” with people I’ve known for years.
Luckily (for her), our daughter is an extrovert in the extreme, because this world is easier for people like that.
A, Yes, the world is geared toward the extrovert, no doubt. And, it’s often difficult for extroverts to appreciate the unique qualities of an introvert – like taking time to warm up to people. Buy your husband The Introvert Advantage.
What a lovely and helpful article. I have four children and I am now used to seeing their different personalities but in the beginning- yes- you feel so much pressure to have your child be friendly and bubbly and GET IN THE WATER. Oh man, I understand. One hting I’ve learned is that shyness and introversion are not necessarily the same thing. My oldest was, when he was young, shy but he loved people and wanted to always be around them. He grew out of his shyness and is now the very typical extrovert. My second is a classic introvert (also- introverts needs more sleep and, I think, tend not to be as flashy in school to teachers) but he is not shy. He just really can only take people so long. When he wants to be around people, he loves it but then he needs to regroup and recharge. I think children go in and out of shyness but the basic introvert/extrovert thing- do you get energized being around people or do people drain your energy- does not change.
Also, just thinking more about this article, I want to stress how wonderful introverts are. I am an extrovert but my husband is introverted and so is my second son. My second son notices the world and reflects on things. He is quieter, slower, but I think the world needs people who listen more and talk less. He is only 7 but I love the variety of his personality compared to my oldest and youngest louder and busier personalties. Okay, I’ll stop. Loved the article and the sharing.
Thanks, Angela!
This is a really good article. I don’t have kids but I’m a introvert myself and an only child. I saw a lot of similarities in myself and your daughter when I was a child. I didn’t always participate in things at school or with family or whatever. I love watching things and people. I always liked being by myself. I didn’t like to be hugged either. I kept quiet and to myself. Only talked when spoken to. Now that I’m 30, I’m still the same way. My ex is a extrovert and she could never figure me out in the 4 years we were together. She didn’t know why I don’t really like doing family things and always kept quiet and to myself even while we was home by ourselves. I told her it’s the way I am. I still get hassled to this day by family, friends and co-workers saying that I need to talk more and get involved. You have nothing to worry about. Being introverted is really cool.
Thanks for this article! After a long time of trying to ‘figure him out’, our son was diagnosed with Developmental Coordination Disorder due to some of his unusual behaviours (for a short time, we thought it could be a form of autism). I personally am an extrovert, but firmly believe that all the different kinds of people in this world make it interesting! We need those different perspectives. That said, I’m glad you commented that you sought medical advice because it is always best to rule things out early so that you have the best chance of helping your daughter if something could indeed be helped to make her life easier! The best to your family!
Andrea, I haven’t heard of that disorder – it sounds like you’re getting good help for your son though. That’s the most important thing, isn’t it?
Stephen, I appreciate your comments, thanks!
Thank you so much! My 2 yr son is the same way (although he does say I love you now) and just had friends suggest he may have Autism/Aspergers which I know is not the case–it’s introversion (thank you) which is NOT a disease…now I can send this along to them
I enjoyed this article. I am an introvert and there is a lot of bias, especially in the corporate world, against us. Although I excelled in school it has been difficult for me to get ahead in the work world, as I have been passed up by more aggressive types. That’s the only reason I’m relieved both of my boys seem to be more outgoing, like my husband. My 5 year old does prefer to observe a new situation at first, but he also likes to jump in and be included. It’s really tiresome being called “quiet” all the time, when I do love people and engagement, it’s just that sometimes I don’t feel like talking. Your daughter will be fine as you say, but to be honest it mostly feels like an “extovert’s world”.
Holly smokes, I had no idea… I would find it terribly difficult to have an introverted child, based on the first couple of sentences… You seemed to deal with it well, thanks for sharing so openly.
I have a daughter who was very much like the one you describe. She is now 23 and has been diagnosed with social anxiety. In public school she had difficulty speaking out and we also thought it was selective mutism and had many tests and visits to speech and hearing professionals. She was easily targeted in public school because she wouldn’t comment back to anyone. She had a couple of friends who dropped her and a bully who made her life miserable in grade 7&8. During high school is where it finally got to her and she could no longer go out the door without a panic attack. She is getting better slowly now but wants no part of drug therapy so it is a long haul. Point here is introvert could very well be hiding social anxiety roots. I have poured over the past again and again to figure out what when wrong for her and have discovered that the signs were there at a very young age.
I love this, “introversion is not a failure of extroversion”. I, too, am an introvert born to an extrovert. I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me. My mother threw shoes at me if I was sitting quietly reading a book. I was called stupid because I always took time to respond to everything. I still call myself painfully slow. It’s been hard. I commend you for doing what most parents don’t do – look within themselves to change how they interact with their child rather than trying to change their child’s essential nature. Here I am, almost 50, and finally realizing my dream and essential nature to be an artist. Much to my mother’s chagrin.
I wish my mom did such research when I was younger. When I was a kid, I was forced to be a part of a chearleading quad, I took modeling classes, I was forced to play soccer, I was forced to take dance classes, I was forced to take singing classes, all in the hopes that one day I would “break out” of my shyness. My brothers weren’t like this so what’s wrong with me? Uhhh… They’re extroverts like you so they have a problem in your eyes.
Reading during recess and “watching” was absurd to my mom. She kept tabs on my play activity via my teachers. As if they didn’t enough to worry about, I have another adult encouraging my mom. I was also expected to talk to others during lunch. School would have been so much better for me if the only bullies I had to deal with were a lot closer to my age.
Middle school and high school was hell for me because I should be out on Friday nights. I’ve never understood the point of the typical loud music, dancing party. A mellow party with a few friends is much better. Even in college, I didn’t party because they seemed like big exaggerated versions of the ones in high school.
I’m just now realizing that there was never anything wrong with me other than being born to extroverted mother (which is ironic because my dad’s an introvert). Now I live away from home, I feel great about myself because I don’t have someone constantly judging.
I have less anxiety now because when social interactions get to be too much, I can go home without coming home to someone that’s disappointed I came home so soon. (In high school, she would actually get upset if I came home before my curfew so I would often sit around lame party and drive around town under it got close to my curfew.)
My mom thinks my solitary life is a sign that I’m drowning. I see it as a sign that I’m finally living. In fact, I think I socialize more as an adult than I did as a kid. I’m 26 and my mom still thinks I’m something that needs fixing. She is always trying to introduce me to people like her and she gets upset when I leave to quickly to “open up”. I wish she would find something more produce with her time.