Attachment Parenting
A cautionary tale
I‘m trying to break up with my son, but he’s not having it.
Felix crawls after me, blue eyes filled with longing and welling tears. When I look away, I hear a whimper turn into a sob. Before a minute passes, his cries have swollen into a tsunami of misery punctuated with raised arms and fluttering hands, beckoning me to pick him up and hold him close. I turn my back, because right now, I’m determined to get the groceries into the refrigerator before they wilt and warm. Felix pulls himself up on my back, yanking at my sweater. I detach his fists and slide him across the floor. “Mom’s doing something for a minute,” I tell him in a reasonable tone, handing him a soup ladle to play with. He tosses it aside and starts to scream. I sigh and take a mental inventory of what’s left in the bags and decide, with ringing ears, that everything can wait. I pick up my howling suitor and kiss his neck. He rewards me with a smile that is beautiful, genuine and victorious.
I’ve capitulated – again. I give Felix an Eskimo kiss, thinking, Tonight, sweet thing, I’m going to slug so much wine that the all-night boobfest you’ve got planned will be out of the question. The idea had struck me hours earlier. It’s the only thing I can think of that will put night-weaning in motion. Because on my own, without booze in my breast milk, I am weak. I will bring Felix into bed and let him nurse all night, because it’s the easiest route to peace. But as he winds his fingers in my hair, slurping his third midnight snack, I will grind my teeth and rue the day I ever thought attachment parenting (AP) was a good idea.
Please understand: I adore my son more than I ever thought possible. I’d happily give him my limbs or kidneys, and would just as easily remove the limbs or kidneys from anyone who endeavored to harm even one of the few hairs on his head. But, after one year of AP, I can no longer be his one and only. I want to put the damn groceries away; I want to read more than three pages of a novel at a time; I want to sleep through the night without my nipple being clamped between two small lips. I yearn for the day when I will no longer be controlled by the piercing cries of a tyrant, even if said tyrant has the softest skin I’ve ever touched.
If the big daddy of attachment parenting, Dr. Sears, was in my kitchen right now, he would probably urge me to calm down and stop the “mental gymnastics” that have me imagining my son is a manipulative beast. He’d remind me that I’ve put a year of myself into AP and that the results have been worth it. He’d applaud the development of “mutual sensitivity” that Felix has with me and his father as the result of AP practices. But I don’t care about that right now. I’m tired, and I want to curl up on the couch with a glass of wine and watch trashy television until I fall asleep, alone, for eight entire hours.
From the beginning, Felix’s needs mystified and terrified us. He cried when placed in his vibrating bouncer; he howled when laid down to sleep in his co-sleeper. He wanted to nurse constantly. When he wasn’t feeding, he wanted to be carried. But though he craved movement, the baby swing elicited only a moment or two of silence before he started weeping. “Crying is exercise for his lungs, dear,” said my aunt who has five children. “Once he gets on a schedule he’ll settle down.”
But we couldn’t bear to let him cry, ever. It just didn’t seem right – he was so new. Plus, because I was taking a year off and my husband was working from home, we were right there. I did some research and sent my husband to the bookstore for Harvey Karp’s The Happiest Baby on the Block. I read it in two days, thankful for Dr. Karp’s fourth trimester theory (that babies are born too early and lack the ability to comfort themselves outside of the womb, so you swaddle them to recreate the womb environment) and went to work perfecting my swaddling skills. Soon after, we discovered Martha and William Sears’ The Baby Book, after desperately searching through various online parenting forums.
Before Felix was one month old, we had become devotees of the AP methodology: we wore him around the house, we snuggled in our family bed, I nursed on demand, and we diligently met Felix’s needs, knowing that our actions would enable “solid communication patterns to develop.” When friends questioned the wisdom of sharing our bed with Felix or holding him whenever he grew distressed, I had the buzz words at the ready: intimacy, trust, connectedness, intuition, and bonding. Besides, what Sears was advocating felt natural to us. In fact, I believe that everything we chose to do during Felix’s infancy had as much to do with our intuition as it did The Baby Book. As Dr. Sears says: “Attachment parenting is : what mothers and fathers would do instinctively if they were raising their baby on a desert island without the advice of sleep books, in-laws, and psychologists.”
But while AP methods seem to work wonders for babies, when it comes to toddlers, the recommendations become fuzzier. Sears talks vaguely about boundaries while also stressing that toddler neediness won’t continue forever, promising that one day, “It will pass.” Sears also assures parents that it’s not really a problem so much as a flattering “nuisance.” Night weaning seems to elicit more “why” than “how.” In fact, Sears urges mothers to ask themselves, “Before seeking a solution to the problem, ask yourself how much of a problem the night nursing is.” Advice on a baby that wants to be held all the time is sort of ambiguous. Telling me to “follow my heart” as Dr. Sears does on his website is not all that helpful.
In the meantime, I’m sending Felix mixed messages. Sometimes I pick him up the second he shows distress. Other times I ignore him until he clambers up my leg. I’ll put him in his playpen with a toy in order to get something done, but if he screams, I may abandon my task to soothe him. If I don’t, chances are that his dad will. There have been many evenings when I’ve sworn to the heavens that tonight is take back the boob night, only to end up with a baby at said boob by two in the morning, because his ceaseless crying (and no, he won’t be soothed by dad during these hours) leaves me with no other option. I don’t mean to be horribly inconsistent, but finding the time, the energy, and the willpower that consistency requires seems impossible.
So, what now? It appears as though my options are limited, given my lack of willpower. The best bet may be to wait it out like Dr. Sears suggests, knowing that time often does take care of everything, knowing that my budding relationship with my son is all kinds of fantastic, and knowing that all too soon he’ll be in the throes of adolescence, wanting nothing to do with me. Or I can start tuning into my own cues and trust the instincts that tell me that it’s okay for Felix to weep while I complete a task. Or maybe I’ll start to believe that just as Felix is a work in progress, so am I.
And, in the darker moments, when the threat of yet another sleepless night stretches before me like an impossible winter, it might be okay to let a few glasses of wine make the hard decisions for me.
This article was written by Megan Marshall for Babble.com, the magazine and community for a new generation of parents.
I think you’ve missed the point of AP… and it seems that you recognize what the problem is– your inconsistency and inability to follow through. Whether you do AP or not, consistency and follow-through are critical. Doing AP doesn’t mean that kiddo gets every demand met immediately. Beyond the 4th trimester, kids crave routine and boundaries, and it’s your job to set those up. You seem to have resigned yourself to your “fate” but if you can remember that you are the adult, and he is the kid, and brace yourself for a period of adjustment, you can get the independence you want, and a happier baby, to boot.
I practice AP, and there have been plenty of times where I’ve left my kiddo on the floor throwing a temper tantrum so that I can finish putting the groceries or you know… go pee, something wild like that!
As for nightweaning, try the Calm and Console method. If he wakes up in the middle of the night, pick him, rub his back, rock him a little, whatever, maybe offer him some water, and put him back in the crib. Just gradually cut back on the nursing sessions. For us, the first one to go was the midnight session. Just cutting out that one session made the 4:30 am session more bearable, which we kept up until she was fully weaned.
Good luck!
I’ve been there! Co-slept and nursed all night long for 7.5 months, until I finally decided it was time to sleep at night instead of nurse. Step one: put the Dr. Sears book down. He cannot help you now. It’s time to night-wean. For that, you need to get away from the woo-woo and go to the hardcore pro-sleep doctor, the doctor who tells you it’s okay if your kid cries a bit because sleep is precious and brain-enhancing and important for you both. His name is Dr. Weisbluth and his book is Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. If you don’t have your baby sleeping in his own room soon (I found night-weaning impossible without the baby in a seperate room) you can kiss sleeping through the night goodbye for the next two or more years. You can sleep train a baby, but a toddler will be so much harder. Probably impossible. It’s now or never. If you want 8 hours a night of uninterrupted sleep, you can have it, but you have to embrace training now. Otherwise, you and Dr. Sears will be cosleeping (co-waking?) for years to come. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it sounds like you’re reaching burnout. Burnout means it’s time to make a change. I’m sure many on here will argue with me, but for me, AP was great until infancy was over. After three nights of CIO, my son sleeps through the night and so do we. We now have the energy to enjoy him during the day!
We fell into a pseudo version of AP (what worked for us we used, what didn’t we didn’t) in part because my son wouldn’t sleep on his back and we were sick of not sleeping for 7 weeks straight while holding him upright in a chair so he could sleep. So, why couldn’t he sleep on his back, you may ask. Well…extreme reflux. Turns out reflux babies can only sleep on their stomachs. First night we put him on his stomach he slept through the night – but we brought him into our bed because I was more afraid of SIDS than of one of us squashing him. Although I was pretty afraid of that as well until we purchased a cute, bed inside a bed thing for him.
Now he is 3 1/2 and running around like mad. He falls asleep in our bed, especially when his dad is away on business, and we move him to his bed when he is mostly gone. When he wakes up a good 6-8 hours later (YAY!) he either comes to crawl in and snuggle us awake or he runs to play. I couldn’t breast feed so we used bottles – and he still prefers his milk out of one, but everything else comes in a cup. However, no matter how much I was pulling my hair out about wanting our child in his own bed by the time he was 1 – it never happened. It happened when he was 2.
In other words – 1 might be a bit early for your son. So might be 2. Keep doing what you are doing. Groceries may have to go away in shifts – first shift when you first get home but after you tell him you are putting them away and then second shift when he settles down after you show him you haven’t abandoned him. When he gets even older, have him help. My son loves to throw away all our trash so whenever I can tell him something is trash he gleefully grabs it from us and runs to the trashcan.
It’s not all or nothing – it’s what works for you.
Best of luck!
That sounds exactly like our situation, except for the night weaning (somehow we managed that by a year or 14 months or so, and life VASTLY improved). Until recently, I was unable to make dinner, talk on the phone, send an email, or even pee without my son wanting me to hold him. I was going nuts. He’s thankfully outgrown it (he’s 21 months now). Your son may outgrow it sooner.
Anyway, I know what you’re going through, and it’s REALLY hard. You describe the frustrations perfectly. It will pass (until he gets sick or something, at which time he’ll want to spend every waking hour with your nipple in his mouth–but enjoy your new freedom the rest of the time!).
PS: I second the recommendation for Weissbluth. Your whole outlook and family life will change once your son sleeps through the night.
Oh, my. I remember going through this very thing. (Minus the wine! I can’t drink, ALAS.) You have my sympathy!
It did pass, but I didn’t manage to get my son weaned until he was more than 2 and at nearly 2 and a half, he still sleeps with us.
Calm and Console did nothing for us. Some babies do not want a pat on the back. They want boob and only boob. Consistently not getting the breast at night should give yours the message.
Oh my gosh! This is SO us right now! Our son just turned a year and was waking up 3-4 times a night to eat. Plus, he was sleeping in bed with us. We finally bit the bullet and had him cry a little to get him to sleep in his crib. It was surprisingly easy–until we found out 2 days later that he had chicken pox, and one of the early signs is excessive sleepiness. He is finally recovered from the chicken pox, and getting him to sleep has been really tough. Still working on it. I love him more than anything, but I need some sleep!
For what it’s worth, babies actually sleep less well when the breastmilk contains alcohol!
Yeah, if I were on a desert island with my very, very loved baby, I would still want to get some sleep. Sorry, Dr. Sears, but I just don’t believe you when you tell me what my instincts are. Besides, how long did Dr. Sears breastfeed?? I think all childrearing methods really depend on your situation and your own personal desires: I had to go back to work, so not sleeping at night just wasn’t an option past my three-month maternity leave. So it became a priority for the entire family to teach the baby to sleep through the night. Friends of mine were able to (and wanted to) adjust their own sleep habits to their babies — get up to nurse in the night and sleep in later in the day. You made your own personal choice and there’s nothing wrong with that.
But any time you find yourself thinking, “I can’t do this any more,” you’re ready for a change. I agree with the poster who says the “bad parent” confession in this essay is that you’re relinquishing your parenting duties. You’re the mom! Don’t be scared of your baby! (Who, by the way, isn’t a baby any more.) If you need to put away the groceries or pee or any other reasonable daytime activity, your son will have to learn what to do with himself. He may choose to cry, or he may get bored of that and start entertaining himself. I think if you give him the time and space to start making those choices himself (i.e., let him cry for a little while and see how fun it is), he may surprise you.
Yup, yup, and yup. We are there, and there is a hard place to be. AND, we have twins…twiiiins. I’d really like to sleep even 6 hours in a row right now (or 5, or even 4) without waking up to give my little loves their middle-of-the-night bottles constantly. We tried and failed to move them to their cribs at 7 months, and it really IS harder when they are toddlers — they get much more angry when you attempt to implement change. And that anger sounds like despondent sobbing, which will eventually wake up the other one, who will proceed to sob despondently. Sooner or later, one or both will cry so hard that they’ll throw up, and I will feel pretty terrible for not just soothing them in the first place with a cuddle and a bottle. I have no answers, either…the only quasi-answer I have found is LOTS of coffee to deal with the sleep deprivation
Good luck…
I don’t believe in half-measures. When I weaned my second child (at 15 months, because she was chewing while she nursed) it was cold-turkey, and after two fits she was FINE. I had a harder time than she did. Letting her cry it out at bedtime may have seemed heartless, but after a few nights she was fine, and now, at 2, she takes her plushie, lays down, says night night and goes right to sleep, unlike her sister who I tried to do a more moderate approach with, and who had sleep issues until she was 4. Once a child knows what is expected, and what the limits are, they will adapt very quickly. Don’t play games of “it’s okay now but not later,” it’s confusing to your baby. Children of all ages want you to set boundaries, they want to have the security of knowing what the rules are. I know it’s not easy when you want nothing more than to give your baby all your love, but believe me it will be worth it for everyone if you set the rules (for yourself as well as baby) and stick with them. A happy mommy makes a happy baby.
I agree with MB – I did AP with my daughter and used Healthy Sleep, Happy Child to work on sleep routines and it worked. I think the problem is less with AP and more with your inconsistency. Babies know when you’re wishy-washy and they know if they just cry long enough you’ll cave. Gotta just bight the bullet and do it. Which is not to say that you can’t incorporate some of Dr Sears advice on toddler parenting in terms of discipline and other things – but as far as sleep goes – it’s a whole other story! I think parenting is about reading a lot of things and taking what works and incorporating into the parenting approach that works best for you and your child rather than rigidly following one philosophy.
Set some limits, take care of your need for sleep, and read Weissbluth. Steel yourself to be consistent (within reason) – your babe will still adore you, and you will feel calmer. Find a way to take a break, get some extra sleep, do something calming or fun that keeps you from stressing about all of this. But keep in mind that small children are small children and they are often needy and unpredictable, and each one is different from the next. My son has never needed nearly as much of a bedtime routine as my daughter to feel relaxed – he just shuts down and goes to sleep. I used the same methods with both kids – he was just different from the very first day home from the hospital. Eventually your babies and toddlers will be slightly older slightly more rational beings who only wake when they have nightmares. My kids are now 4 and 6 and rarely wake up at night unless they are sick and scared. The flip side is, of course, that they are no longer squishy adoring cuddly babies and never will be again. It’s hard to feel like it’s a precious time when you are overwrought but believe me, it flies by and does not return.
Thank you so much for writing this- my son is 19 months old, and I’m still breastfeeding several times a night, and co-sleeping. I work all day, and feel like some days I just may lose my mind, and others I decide that I just need to get used to no sleep for a while and tough it out. Hard to imagine I was going to ‘try’ breastfeeding to see how it works out- and he was a natural. And the co-sleeping was accidental- reflux, and easier on mommy to snuggle at night. Thank you again for writing this, it’s nice to know I’m not alone- no one I work with has gone through this, so they don’t understand- they just think I’m crazy!
Right there with you sister. But, when I really think about it, Dr. Sears seems right; if you were living “in the wild” you would not make your toddler sleep across the house in a dark room by herself. A toddler willing to sleep alone in the dark would be eaten by a bear. So, 3 out of 7 nights a week I wake up with a 18 month old or a three year old in my bed. Do I wish I didn’t? Yes. Does it seem natural for them to be there? Also yes.
Are we so far removed from our maternal/paternal instincts that we have to rely on a constant flow of literature to teach us how to parent our children? I am a mother of a 2 1/2 year old boy, who had reflux and a torticollis, we went through 9 mos of physical therapy, during which he cried quite a bit. But as a parent, I knew that without the p.t. he would require surgery, so I did what was best for my child. Doing what’s best for your child doesn’t always mean they don’t cry. And aren’t we better parents when we make times for ourselves and our partners, so we are refreshed and recharged? I love my child beyond words or measure, but when I decided to become a parent, I knew that I wanted to love my child as much as possible while giving him the tools to become a productive, independent person. What would we do 100 years ago, when no one gave us step by step instructions on how to care for a baby, heaven forbid!
I feel very sorry for your family; the lack of sleep must be killing you all. I did not go the AP route, and reading this I am very glad. My 13 month old sleeps well, wakes happy, and is completely healthy. Maybe it is unnatural to have her sleep down the hall, and I have let her cry it out a very few times, but it allows us to have a normal, productive life. And we communicate just fine.
I can understand your frustration with a toddler who is still as needy as an infant; it’s easy to not begrudge the infant your sleep and time, but the toddler is a different deal. But I think blaming attachment parenting (and knocking Dr. Sears) is ridiculous. No matter what parenting style you will use, have used, you simply have a super sensitive child who is super aware of who is (or isn’t) around him.
And, to note to commenters, no one can say one way of parenting works and another doesn’t based on their own case study of their own children.
nobody has all the answers! adhering to the letter of what worked for someone else’s family can only be discouraging, I think. it’s nice that we have these books now that families are so isolated, but I think we’re better off regarding them as inspiration than law.
one thing I took away from Sears’ Baby Book is that if you start to resent your situation, it’s time to make some changes. I started to resent that it was taking more time to put my co-sleeping 11-month-old down for naps than she spent actually napping. she could be in an apparent deep sleep, but I swear could SMELL my finger moving toward her mouth to unlatch and would wake right up.
She’s got to learn other ways to fall asleep so, I’ve commenced with letting her cry it out, MY way. I stay with her, in bed, until she falls asleep, soothing her in ways that are compatible with the goal [humming, hugs, back rubs]. I’m doing a lot of Pantley’s recommendations, but there are tears. there are howls. it’s heartbreaking to see her so frustrated, knowing I could pull up my shirt and make it all better, but then where would we be? after three days, there is already a new independence for both of us and I feel good about my hybrid technique. it can be absolutely gut-wrenching but so will many of the ‘firsts’ in store for us. now and in the future I think my job is to support and encourage her while helping her to do the same for herself.
I have three great sleepers, 33 month old twins and an 11 month old. We didn’t do strict AP, but we certainly gave them lots of love and attention as well as breast milk. Did a little CIO for all three. I have very happy well-adjusted kids, and I can’t help but feel sorry for my friends who are still bursing their two year olds several times a night.
I love how salacious the title of this article is. Just like “Breastfeeding Conspiracy” and yet, I read it. This is not about AP. This is a cautionary tale of what happens when a parent is inconsistent. Figure out the rules of the house and move with it. Those who choose to define their success and failure by the type of parenting philosophy they’ve chosen to use are doomed from the beginning. The inconsistency you face is because you are following someone else’s rules of engagement, throw out the book, and create the human being that you want to spend time with. That’s all. There’s nothing else.
Is it tiring? HELL YES! That’s what you signed up for, you signed up to create another life, and this new life, s/he doesn’t know the rules of the game. At this point the only thing you can do is make it so that your son knows that his needs will get met, every time. And when you can’t, tell him that you are sorry. Repeat back his feelings, even if he is too young to understand. Every moment you are teaching him something, make sure the message is one that you want to convey about who you are, what the world is like, who he can trust.
I have no doubt that if I lived on a desert island with no parenting literature or in-laws, I would be sleeping with my son. I also suspect that my son and I would go to bed at the same time, since I would most likely have no electricity on this island. And it’s probable that my son’s babydaddy (no marriage on the island!) would go out during the day and kill something or at least forage for nuts and berries for us to eat. I believe, that on this Edenic Island Of Pure Motherly Instinct to which Dr. Sears is referring, my main responsibility would be to care for my child. And possibly sweep our hut with my cute li’l stick-broom once in a while if company was coming over.
But I don’t live on an island. I live in a major metropolitan area, where I have to work all day. I also have to do things like buy groceries, pick up dry cleaning, see and talk to those pesky in-laws and my own family and friends, fold laundry, cook dinners, answer e-mail, attend preschool fundraisers, and, once in a while, actually spend time with my husband without a child hanging on my leg. And that’s why my son sleeps in his own room, down the hall, in the dark.
I suggest you banish Dr. Sears and his condescending, half-baked metaphor to a desert island in your brain. Then do what works best for you. Adapting your lifestyle to the actual world you live in is more than okay; it’s what’s best for all of you.
I too have gone through this, twice, in fact. Reading this is bringing it back, esp the screaming in the kitchen. God knows it’s harder in reality than it seems when just reading about it. Even though you are making it all seem kind of funny, it’s really not, esp when your tired and worn out and just freaking wanting some time to relax (which doesn’t make you or anyone a bad mother who doesn’t know the deal of parenthood). as far as ap goes, well, what works works well, and the rest is kind of iffy. hope you manage to find balance. i think i either found it, or my kids did. it’s hard to tell.
AP is not about being a martyr. It’s about following your instincts. If you aren’t happy with something: wuit doing it. I also coslept and nursed my daughter when she was one. When I wanted to night wean I simply told her -a week in advance- that babies eat during the night, while big girls sleep during the night and eat during the day. On the big day, tell your kid that Hurray! Now he is a big boy and don’t need to nurse during the night anymore. You need to set aprox 3 nights where you know you won’t get much sleep. He will wake up, he will cry. And you can do anything you want to sooth him, except nurse. Tell him again and again that it’s nighttime now, and big boys eat during the day and sleep at night. He will get food when it’s morning. Walk with him, carry him, give him water, cuddle him, kiss him, make him feel loved, but don’t nurse. Set yourself and acceptable morning time, for instance 6 o clock or 7 o clock. At that time, turn on some light or open the curtains and tell your kid that it’s morning now and he can eat breakfast/nurse if he wants to. After aprox. 3 days he will get the idea. You might also want to read books about oppsites (night/day, small/big) or about kids sleeping during the night.
When I weaned my daughter (20 months), and when we moved her to her own bed when she was 2 (because of my pregnancy), we did the same thing. Give them time to adapt to the idea by talking about what’s gonna happen, tell them what you expect, repeat your mantra and shower them with love. None of these milestones have been difficult at all to deal with as a result.
You might also want to read “The no cry sleep solution for toddlers” or any book by Elizabeth Pantley. They are full of practical advice.
I wish you the best of luck!
I think this article misrepresents AP and is just a frustrated mom going through something most of us go through. It should be positioned as such. I cobble together various things I read with my instinct to do what works for us. Know that all phases pass and this is pretty much in the realm of normal for a kid that age. I think its also OK to give mixed messages. Life is mixed. Just always make sure he knows you love him and things will be fine.
It’s nice to have a bad parent to read again, and then to go through the comments and see that everyone is forgetting that this is a bad parent column and getting huffed and judgemental. She obviously knows she’s being waffly and it doesn’t seem like she hates ap or even wants to cautioun against it. I took this to be more about hating how hard it is to be consistent,and wishing to just give up now and then. I would not believe anyone who said they haven’t felt the same way.
oh, good point…I didn’t realize it was a “bad parent” (which never seem to really be all that “bad” but anyway…
people are gonna do what they want…it always cracks me up though to hear the bitterness in some of these comments on how rotten Dr. Sears is an all that…you don’t like him? don’t do his stuff…
my philosophy with babies is that yeah, pretty much the first year, that’s your life…then you can start slow separation…its unfortunate that contemporary culture makes it so challenging for many women to enjoy this year of intense bonding with their little ones
This is soooooo the “Age of Entitlement” as such. No wonder kids are becoming more and more narcissitic. In my early 30′s and i still adhere to the older parenting theory of letting them cry it out. This is not because I don’t want to pick up my crying child, but because I know that it is not in my child’s best interest to comfort every single whine and cry. When are you going to let this child learn to comfort himself? This could easily lead to anxiety issues later in life…
Honestly, to the last poster, it really REALLY depends on the age of the child. So many people today expect so much of INFANTS. I would say your comments are right on, to some extent for kids over 2, but definitely not kids under 1…and I think its that 1-2 YO age that is so hard, also…
I think that anyone who drinks when breastfeeding is definately a bad parent.
The problem isn’t so much attachment parenting, but how people interpret it. I understand where this writer is coming from because, like her, I was trying to follow a Sears book instead of following my instincts — which, in my mind, is what attachment parenting is really about. By the time my daughter was 6 months old, my instincts eventually told me that co-sleeping, which was a godsend when I needed to nurse every 3 hours, was actually starting to interfere with our daughter’s sleep and mine. So we put her in a crib and she slept 6 hours straight for the first time. My instincts tell me that when my daughter is having a tantrum, she needs help controlling her emotions. So pick her up and talk to her instead of putting her in a time-out. My instincts also tell me that my wound-up daughter really does just need to “cry it out” sometimes, and that going into help just makes things worse.
I still consider myself an attachment parent. We let what feels right to us dictate what we do. Having a child whose needs are met shouldn’t mean that the mother must be completely emotionally exhausted.
I think anyone that can’t spell “definitely” has the intelligence of lettuce.
Oh, I’m sorry…was I making a gross generalization?
Seriously, it’s OK to drink in moderation while breastfeeding. Get over it. Moderation is key. And not newborns, but after a few months, BFing after a glass or two of wine is fine…in my nonmedically qualified, but mother of a very intelligent child who BFd after I drank.
I’ve never understand the whole need to declare yourself a follower of any school of parenting, including attachment parenting. Why the need to categorize? I have no idea what I am. I have four children and I’ve never let any of them “cry it out” when they were infants because it didn’t feel right. I nursed them all to a year, but I also put them in the crib at night unless I was nursing. I don’t know if that’s attachment parenting or not. Who cares? I held my babies all the time- who doesn’t?- because it is fun and it makes them stop crying. Don’t worry about whether you are following the principle of some expert. Do what you know is right and what is right with a toddler is different than with an infant i.e. welcome to the world of discipline. It’s a whole lot harder than deciding whether or not to swaddle your newborn.
Agreed GP. The pediatrician who specializes in breastfeeding here says “You’re only too drunk to nurse your baby when you’re too drunk to hold your baby.” Not sure if I’m willing to take it that far, but it’s not terrible to have a drink or two.
That said, in the author’s case, a couple drinks may ensure she doesn’t breastfeed because her kid can’t stand the taste of wine, much like mine won’t accept garlic.
I think this was awesome and relateable and I don’t get that it’s a flawed take on AP or doctor Sears. The writer says early on that although she and her husband decided to go the sears method, that this same stuff felt natural to them. I agree that the first year of life, it’s way easier to be an attachment sort of parent, but when your baby hits about a year or older, then it all comes hitting the fan. it’s hard to push a toddler towards independence when all they want is mom or dad or anyone else who’s willing to hold and cuddle them. And sometimes its easier to give in then deal with the meltdowns. Isn’t that what this article is all about? Is it really about her wanting to get wasted so she doesn’t have to deal with her child? Cause I didnt really get that feeling. I do want to meet all of these perfect parents that never need to rely on outside sources though.
Is this for real? Instead of raising boys to be men, we are raising boys to be cry babies and momma’s boys? This article and most of it’s comments are very disturbing and pathetic.
So, if her baby was a girl, then everything would be different? Also, there was a study done that babies that are ignored and left to cio have a higher incidence of developing phychiatric issues, like sociopathic tendencies, than those who are raised to be cry babys and momma’s boys.
He sounds just like my son, still nursing up to 6 times a night at 12 months old and it was just easier to roll over then to fight it. Believe me I tried! I finally couldn’t take it anymore when he started tossing, turning, and kicking at night. What we had going was no longer working and it was time for bounderies. He was all or nothing boy so one night nursing turned back into 6. I wasn’t entirely sure he could actually make it all night without nursing, hunger wise, so we offered a bottle of milk to a toddler that didn’t take bottles. Night one I offered all the comfort in the world, except the breast, and offered a bottle with regular milk(since he was 12 months). I continued our normal day time nursing but I was done at night. He screamed, for hours, it was awful. He finally gave in and took the bottle sucking the entire thing down then going back to sleep with rocking. Night two he woke and took the bottle no problem, I was shocked. Not only did he take the bottle but only half of it. After about a week of this he just stopped waking for about 6 hours….it was wonderful. My first solid 6 hours in a year. A couple months later 6 hours turned into 10! I do have to say that 10 hours didn’t last forever, only a few months, but he’s only up once maybe every other night. The easiest solution is to let him crawl into our bed but just as before with nursing, one night in the bed leads to more nights in the bed. We had to decide if the fight was all that important and at this point it’s not. Every other night he crawls into bed with us, no crying involved since he’s in a twin bed and can walk, for just the last couple hours of the night. It’s ok to set boundaries even in attachment parenting. Some parents co-sleep and some don’t. If mom and dad aren’t happy baby won’t be either so finding a middle ground is a good idea. My son still gets his snuggles and his cries are still answered. When he cries because I’m trying to get something done I get down on his level and tell him I love him, give him a hug, and say I’ll be done in just a minute. He’s 2 next week and has a sister on the way so this is just the start of having to wait for what he feels he needs right this minute. I feel that it was important during his first year to meet all of his needs right away. As he moved from infant to toddler I felt it was time for gently placed boundaries. I’ll do the same with his soon to be sister, I don’t regret the attachment at all.
You know, most babies really don’t need to be nursing all night long at a year old, unless there’s some kind of digestive problem or other illness. What you have here is a really bad habit, and it’s time to break it. If you can’t help your child form good habits at this early age, how will you be an effective parent as they get older and need guidance with so many other habits and issues of etiquette? And if you can’t begin to show your child that you are a distinct person with their own needs -like sleep! – at this age, when it’s relatively easy to do so, how will you be able to help a child learn that he is not the center of the known universe and the world does not revolve around him? Seriously!
Oh, and “disgusted,” I think maybe you need a drink. Chill out.
Like my dad says, do you want raise a good child or do you want to raise a good adult?
Every baby is different. So, what worked for me is, I feed and daddy puts him to sleep.( After a warm bath). On the days I was all to my self I would have my nice come over and play with him so i could get things done and it worked out.
This is so my situation and has been for months. My daughter is almost two!! and still wakes up every three hours or so for some nursing. When I say no she is so vocal and miserable that its just easir to give her what she needs, even though I know I should be training her. I think this training is harder to do than talk about. Everything is easier on paper, but different realities demand different reactions. And the writer isn’t a perfect parent but neither am I and neither are any of us. Some of these comments are making me feel like everything I’m doing is stupid rather than just my own way of dealing.
There are a lot of good, supportive comments here. I just want to say that you can disregard the advice from the posters who are saying that you need to night wean/sleep train your baby NOW, or else it will only get harder or impossible later. This now or never mentality is not necessarily correct. My daughter was a very restless sleeper throughout her babyhood and only started sleeping all night when we weaned AND moved her into her own room in a crib at 18 months. I feel that this worked better than our previous efforts to sleep train precisely because she was older and I could explain to her what was happening in a way that I couldn’t when she was younger. And we weaned all at once, not just at night time. To break the nursing habit, my daughter went away overnight with her daddy and his parents and I stayed home for two nights. It was hard, but it worked. When they came home our habit of nursing periodically throughout the day and night was broken and weaning was way easier than I expected. We did start giving her bottles of milk at nap times and at night at that time. She is three and a half now and she still drinks a little milk from a bottle at bed time (and her teeth are fine, btw!). She also wants a bottle when she gets hurt or is tired and upset, which is when she would have wanted to nurse before. Anyway, just a different perspective, that it will not necessarily get harder to “set boundaries” with your child as they get older. It may in fact get easier, partly due to the bond you have created by being so responsive to your son during his babyhood.
And as far as all the commenters saying that your real problem is with consistency, I wonder about that too. Just because sometimes you respond to his cries more quickly, whereas other times he has to reach for your leg before you respond doesn’t mean that you are confusing him or being inconsistent. Sometimes you are just more available to respond quickly to him and other times you are more distracted. That is normal, and I am sure will continue.
And I also would recommend The No Cry Sleep Solution for tips on how to improve sleep and decrease night wakings.
There is hope. I weaned my daughter from breastfeeding and cosleeping at the age of 26 months. She had been sleeping in her own room and I was sleeping in there with her on a twin bed. I started moving to our room after getting her to sleep. Then, on New Year’s Eve I decided I did not want to enter another year of breastfeeding so sat down with my daughter and explained that she did not need milk from me anymore because she could eat on her own. My husband started putting her to bed at night without me. For the first few nights I told her I had to go to the store or something like that so she wouldn’t yell for me. After a week or two, she had stopped asking to nurse completely and I have not slept in her bed since. I’ll like down to help her fall asleep for naps every now and then or cuddle with her when she wakes up. I was very stressed about how it would all end and read tons of books and advice about how to wean her from the breast and cosleeping. If I had known that it would be as easy as it was, I would not have been so stressed about it. I think it has a lot to do with her being old enough to have understood what I was saying to her. I don’t know if she would have responded so well at an earlier age, but now the days of cosleeping and breastfeeding are in the past and honestly, there are days when I miss it. But mostly, I’m happy to be moving on.
One other comment…to the people who think infants need to learn to be independent, I have to laugh. Just because I don’t let me kid cry it out or pick them up when they cry doesn’t mean that I’m going to do that for the rest of their lives. Who else should be allowed to be dependent but an infant. They are the very definition of dependent! My daughter will have the rest of her life to learn independence. So funny.
I have no regrets…even now as my 5yr old and 3yr old still sleep with us most nights. And often my husband jest but he said being away from them all day often getting home after they are asleep he likes that they there. It does not work for everyone but I know one day soon, they won’t want my hugs and kisses or curl up next to me so I cherish these precious moments.
“Beer: The cause of and solution to of all life’s problems.” – Homer Simpson
I often have my partner put our son back to sleep if he wakes in the night. Sometimes it works, other times we bring him into bed and I night nurse. Having someone else (who doesn’t have milky boobs) do at least half of the nighttime care is what makes the biggest difference for us. Without that, I’d likely be nursing all night long. Recruit your partner to help if you have one. It can make a world of difference.
This article explains to me what is wrong with our youth today. The sense of entitlement and the all about ME mentality. Glad to know where it is stemming from.
I don’t think you are giving mixed messages. I often pick my 17 month old up when she cries. I also often don’t. It depends whether I am dealing with the other kids or the house or work or whatnot. Attachment parenting seems to imagine there is only one child in the house.
Great article.
I consider myself an AP parent. But I definitely have boundaries set with my toddlers. When they were babies I nursed, co-slept, baby-wore… I did it all and I still do. I just weaned my 2 year old. But I didn’t let my AP status make me passive. Children need to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around them. This doesn’t mean they aren’t important; they are! But when things needs to be done they can learn to wait for the cuddles and kisses.
In general, I think we have become parents that don’t/can’t think. We rely so much on books and experts that common sense doesn’t take over. And if it does, we push it aside in favor of what so&so said.
I say, love your child. Have an honest, open and trusting relationship with him/her. But don’t be afraid to say no and mean it. Don’t be afraid to teach your child that sometimes they won’t come first. It’ll prepare them for life as an adult.
The best thing about these sorts of personal articles is that they don’t offer advice, but do allow for so many of us to chime in. I am speaking for just me here, but this kind of thing is the sort of reading I’m after as a parent. I swear, when I take in an issue of Parent magazine I come away from the pages feeling inadequate and idiotic because nothing there is relateable and almost everything makes me feel like I’ve gone the wrong route. Thanks Babble for telling it like it is for some of us.
I’ve read those books as well. I feel for you. I haven’t slept through-the-night now for more than half a year longer than you, my dear. It’s my choice, though. Dr. Sears is not against CIO-in daddy or mommy’s arms. Let your husband take care of him all night and night-wean that way.
Been there… done that. 1st little guy – nursed for two years, didn’t night wean until 18mo. 2nd? not so much! 10 months of nursing, then he quit himself. All I have to say, my dear – is hang in there, you will sleep eventually!
If you lived on a desert island, you would not have any birth control. So, you’d probably already have another infant by the time you’re child was 1 year old. You’d be breastfeeding the new infant, not the older children. The older children would be helping to take care of the younger ones.
If you lived on a desert island, you wouldn’t have to get up and go to work. You could loll around all day nursing a baby while the father of said baby hunted and gathered. That’s not the reality of the world we live in today. You might want to seriously consider some form of gentle sleep training that will get that baby out of your bed, and your life back.
Aw! I feel for you! It’s hard, isn’t it? Being consistent is one of the hardest challenges of parenting, I think. And my oldest is almost 9!
You’re right. It is okay for you to put the groceries away. And it’s okay for you to refuse the breast to him when you are tired. Unfortunately, he’ll let you know that he’s not happy (as you have discovered). All parents go through this and eventually it will all work out. (My 9 year old definitely sleeps through the night and does not breast feed. Same with my 6 or 4 year old!) In all honesty, even if you night wean him, he may not sleep through the night (reliably) for another 8 months to a year. Sort of depends on the kid.
I think my only advice to you is to get a babysitter. Get a little regular time away from him. Getting a break that you can count on makes a big difference. Because, with children, one exhausting issue will be replaced by another exhausting issue. So take care of yourself.
Good luck!
And, I wanted to add, I had a love/hate relationship with Dr. Sears. I secretly think his wife did most of the AP’ing in that house.
You seem to be clumping a lot of parenting issues together in this article and very few of them are AP specific. Every parent struggles with defining identity and independence, getting things done in the face of a toddler, and bedtime issues.
First, your expectations of your child’s behavior need to be inline with his development, which sounds pretty normal. If your son wants to be included in your activities, figure out a way to include him. Make putting away the groceries a game. Can he play with the bags? Can he roll the canned goods around on the floor while you deal with the produce? If he just wants you, can he ride in the sling? Before you get started with the groceries and try to convince him a ladle is fun, can you give him a little fix of your undivided attention?
As for AP, do you really think a high needs child (as you seem to imply yours is, but it also applies to one who’s just going through a needier phase) would be easier to deal with if you hadn’t provided the emotional stability that you have? Some kids are just more intense. One of my daughter’s playmates (2.5 yrs) fits that category. He just takes everything twice as hard as the other kids. I don’t think co-sleeping (or not, as in his case) has anything to do with it. Your style of parenting is just that, your style.
You are right though, that Sears is great on the why but less so on the how. I found Elizabeth Pantley’s and Harvey Karp’s techniques fill in the blanks pretty well for toddlers.
Finally, modern life doesn’t make AP terribly easy. If you want to make AP work through the toddler years, you may need to think outside the box. For example, when I was loosing it over co-sleeping at about 15 mo, we figured out I wasn’t so much upset about the sleeping arrangement but that I felt all my personal belongings in our bedroom/office were trapped in a room with a sleeping baby 12 hrs a day and most of my at-home time since I was working full-time. Separating sleeping space from other spaces in the house made everyone happier but also means my daughter doesn’t have a “bedroom” at the moment. We have a sleeping room (what used to be hers) and an everything else room. At some point, we’ll shift back. Until then, this works.
Every child is different. Every family is different. You should do what you feel is right when it comes to rearing your own child. I’m disturbed by some of the very negative comments here that seem to attack your parenting and say you are raising a “momma’s boy” or self-centered child. I personally do not adhere to the crying it out method, but I have many friends who do and I certainly don’t judge them for it. Conversely, I hope they do not judge me because I chose co-sleeping. My son is now an independent, intelligent 5-year-old, who can entertain himself. He shares better than many kids his age. I do not in any way see a pattern of “self-entitlement.” As far as the sleeping goes, it will get better. Today, my son is a sound sleeper. I know you’re tired. Believe me, I know. But, this is a precious time that passes so quickly. You’ll look back and miss it one day. Try to savor every moment.
The best thing about Sears is that they say “try your best.” and “you don’t have to do everything AP, just do what you can and what works for you.” Their advice is not as extremist as people make it out to be.
Thank you for your honesty. I could not do AP parenting because I am a mom of twins and THAT would be IMPOSSIBLE but to be honest beyond infancy it does not sound very practical to me. I think it is healthy to foster some independence and in my opinion you can savor and spend quality time with your child without having him attached at your hip 24/7 and I don’t think the attachment and trust would be any less.
AP = crap
There’s a whole host of personality disorders that come from parenting styles like that. Best to stop it ASAP and get to work on fixing the damage.
aw… i feel for you. I’ve done AP type stuff with all of mine (seven so far) and right now baby (almost 2) is right here. But she’s also been sick (a yucky virus making the rounds) and i know that’s where it comes from. Thing is, when baby is sick, lots of times mama is run down too… sometimes it’s a good thing to just go through the checklist – is baby teething, growing, learning a new skill, sick? If you know *why*, it’s easier to put up with one more bad night
– and it does get easier – and the children do turn out sweet – my first AP baby is 14 now and we’re tight 
What momfour said. Thanks momfour. You saved me time.
I was reading the other piece on attachment theory and then saw the link for this “cautionary tale” and am curious: does babble hate doctor Sears or what? And what’s so cautionary about this particular tale? If anything, it’s a mom under some duress, trying to find balance without feeling like she’s abandoning an ideology that actually served her pretty well for the first year of her kid’s life.
1 year of age is waaaaaaaay to early for night weaning, that’s just nuts. At one year a baby should be getting less than 25% of their calories from non-breastmilk foods and for a busy toddler night is the ONLY time they nurse well. So, seriously, give up the night weaning and start getting daddy to take baby an hour every morning while you sleep alone, or a few hours a few times a week/weekends. And forced, cold-turkey, night weaning for the full 8-12 hours is not only just cruel its likely to end in plugged ducts or mastitis!
As for the groceries put him in a highchair beside the fridge so he can see you while you put the groceries away. Do you know how many dishes I’ve washed with absolutely no room to breathe because there’s a baby taking up half my kitchen (its very tiny).
He will probably get a lot less needy once he can walk, which will likely be in the next 6 months, and probably more like two months.
Yes your son seems needier than most right now, but pushing him away isn’t going to make him less needy.
Poor mama! I know what you’re going through. I fell in with a bad crowd of APers and didn’t sleep train or night ween until 12 months. (When I say “night ween,” I mean that I stopped overnight nursing — our final session is at 6:30, then we brush teeth and read books before bed.) I made the decision to sleep train after reading about the effects of sleep deprivation, which with kids has a similar effect to lead poisoning (see: Nurture Shock). I also received a warning from our pediatrician that my daughter’s teeth could be affected by night nursing. I didn’t want my daughter to be a toothless idiot, right? And the APers I knew with older children talked constantly about the kids sleep problems — they couldn’t go to sleep on their own, they woke up over and over at night and were exhausted all day, etc. I began to see sleep training as the first of many difficult lessons I would need to teach my child. I think that the first night of sleep training was when I began to parent as a verb. It turned out to be not a big deal at all. I read the Ferber book — I mean really read it — and realized that everything I’d heard about sleep training was wrong. On one popular AP board, the moderators — who claimed to base all their assertions on “science” — said that the baby stops crying because it’s lost all hope you’ll ever come back. In fact, you come back every five, ten, and then fifteen minutes — for the entire night, if necessary. I did further research and found that there are, in fact, no studies linking cry-it-out to actual long-term damage. The studies often cited concern chronic neglect, as found in Eastern European orphanages, or are opinion papers that anecdotally link cry-it-out to those studies. But the science on sleep deprivation is clear. But I digress. My daughter, who was accustomed to receiving the business end of a boob every time she made a peep, howled with rage at five, ten, and fifteen — escalating after each visit. Then, suddenly, she was quiet. Was she dead? Was she staring at the ceiling in a psychotic stupor, her trust in her parents and humanity broken forever? No, she was asleep, curled up with her bunny. And when she woke overnight she yelled for five and then ten and then conked out again. We did it for one more night, and that was it. And our relationship has improved dramatically since, because we’re rested and not cranky and can enjoy each other’s company. And my husband can now put her to bed and soothe her when she’s upset, which has also strengthened their relationship. So there’s hope, mama. Come to the dark side!
mysticeye — science is … whatever we want it to be!
Imagine trying to sleep while cuddled up with your favorite snack. Snooze a little, wake up, have a brownie, snooze a little wake up to that deliocious smell, snack, snooze. Sounds fun? that’s what co sleeping is for your kid. I think AP is great for small infants. 0-4 months or so, after that you’ve gotta start backing up a little. I had a good friend who did AP, hardcore. She didn’t sleep for more than 2 hours for 18 months – When her son was 18 months she got pneumonia , the doc threatened to hospitalise her unless she got more rest, so she spent the night on the couch – the toddler slept 8 hours straight the first night (with dad) . No snack bar in her face, undisturbed sleep. Good Luck, Mom!
this was a great article, very funny and charming. Of course, I totally relate, which might be why it’s hitting me like it is. I, too, was a snack bar. Now that I’m pregnant again, it’s hard to figure out how to get out of being one again. I think the author hits in on the head when she wonders why the AP philosophy goes fuzzy once kids start becoming a bit more independent. They tell you what you want to achieve without really giving you a lot of advice on how to achieve it. Plus, that sleep deprivation is the wreckfest that it is makes everything all the harder, especially when you’re a first timer in parenthood.
@Werewolf Bar Mitzvah – yes, yes, yes! Everything you said and exactly in the way you said it.
In fact, I wish you lived next door to me.
Another vote for Werewolf Bar Mitzvah. Our kiddos need rested, healthy, content mamas. And it’s murky, this toddlerhood stuff. I’m finding that what were once needs for my newborn are now my 13 month old son’s wants. Whereas I need to sleep. Us mamas really need to be less judgemental of ourselves and each other and realize that the vast majority of us are doing the best that we can.
By the way, great article– brave and honest.
Eh, parenting styles or books have little to do with the author’s situation. She nailed it when she mentioned that she has issues being consistent and that she craves time alone. Her challenges as a parent have more to do with her personality than with any particular parenting style. Tending newborns isn’t as much of a struggle for those of us facing different issues, but tending to toddlers or tweens or teens might be another story altogether.
I didn’t mind missing sleep (I’ve always been a night owl) or breastfeeding round the clock or having a sweaty, delicate little dude taking up bed space and making me uncomfortable. What I do mind is noise, so the way I parent tends to reflect that.
Parental personality and preferences are usually the driving force behind how well parents are able to cope at various life stages. We can blame parenting styles, books, social pressure, or whatever we want to blame… but what use is that? If the author had done CIO from an early age, she might very well have found a plethora of other reasons to make her feel like those first months weren’t so great. Maybe parenting infants is USUALLY challenging and few of us have the coping skills to deal with it these days.
AP methods helped me immensely, but like I said above, one of my primary goals in tending my son in his first year was quiet. AP is really, really good for creating a peaceful atmosphere, and not necessarily so hot for uninterrupted sleep, but sleep wasn’t important to me. The trade-off worked for us because I was able to accurately identify my priorities. Other things are more important to other parents, like sleep, and their parenting methods reflect that.
honeyhaze, I think you missed the point of the article, which was that AP worked really well for her baby but not her toddler.
I also wanted to mention that there’s a lot of talk about night-weening and sleep-training damaging the nursing relationship. For us, at least, it had the opposite effect. We now nurse when we’re awake and happy, and we spend the time smiling, humming, and playing with each other’s hair. Sometimes she’ll unlatch to kiss me or say “I love you” and then resume. My heart can hardly take it. And, of course, we do sometimes snuggle up and nurse to sleep for naps. At 15 months, our only nursing problem is deciding when we’ll be ready to stop.
Not sure if you’re still reading after 79 comments but if you are, I completely understand and you are not alone! My TWO & HALF year old still needs to touch me to fall asleep. I weaned him at 14 months (because of teeth issues) but he still wants to touch my chest OR my belly button! I say “no” to the chest now but still allow the belly. I recently moved to sitting next to him in a chair and sneaking out but in the middle of the night he joins us in bed. My plan is to get him used to not laying down next to each other, then not touching then slowly moving the chair out of the room. Try a gradual approach that your comfortable with and see if you can get Dad into the picture to help ease your son away from the nursing to sleep. Try holding him in a rocking chair instead of nursing for awhile and eventually he won’t need the nursing. Then gradually phase out the rocking and sitting up. Good luck!
I wasn’t going to comment on this (because as the author of the piece I thought that might be weird), but after realizing how many comments there have been, and how varied these comments are, I feel a little bit compelled to say something. Basically, I’m grateful that so many others have had the same experiences and shared the same feelings of frustration. Obviously, I knew my experiences have been far less unique than widespread, but it’s easy to feel a touch on the alone side when parenthood gets tricky. And it was never my intention to trash Dr. Sears, or claim that my frustrations were due (entirely) to AP, or blame anything or anyone other than myself, really. Basically, I was (and am) often unable to think of practical solutions, and so I then dream up impractical ones (like giant bottles of wine or vodka). And lo…a Bad Parent essay.
And finally, the title? Not mine. Editors have tricks, you know.
way to ruin the mystery, author lady
Oh, reading this brings back soooo many memories of the first two years or so with my little Olivia and how she would instinctively want to be involved with literally everything that I was doing. She practically lived in her sling until she started to walk! She also nursed ’round the clock, just like Felix, until she was 27 months. It took a while longer for us to get her into her own bed, and now, at the cusp of 4, she is finally falling asleep in her own room all by herself (versus one of us sitting up with her)–whew!
Having gone through such a similar experience with my own child, I think it has something to do with a certain type of child’s inquisitive, active, temperament. It almost seemed like colic at first, but it wasn’t. My baby just wanted ME. All. the. time. As a grad student working on my PhD, I totally identify with the exhaustion, desperation, and sheer frustration that Ms. Marshall expresses–you literally find yourself unable to get anything done! Like her, I turned to every book out there, and tried every method to no avail.
The good news is that this phase does eventually pass, and AP methods worked (applied sparingly, and with some loving discipline mixed in, at least for me). But for me, there was no such thing as ‘night weaning.’ It was all-or nothing, and the drain of nursing is what has kept me from having a second child.
Good luck, and thanks for sharing such a tough, moving story.
One more thing I forgot to mention that saved me was that I literally HAD to have my husband take over bedtime for me starting at about 8 or 9 months because otherwise it was an hourslong affair with nursing, rocking, and songs. If I nursed, my husband did the stories and bed, it was much shorter, and gave me a break from the physicality that was making me go crazy every night. So Olivia would start the night on her own in the co-sleeper, and then upon waking, nurse, and come into the bed with me….I was too exhausted to get up and do a whole night routine in a rocking chair. It also gave my husband (who works a lot), special time with my daughter.
You have a clingy kid. Some of them just come that way. You can AP or whatever other book you want to read but he’ll still out grow it. You’ll miss these days. He’ll be 6 and too busy for you regardless of what method you choose. It’s seriously not forever.
Everything you’re doing and feeling is totally normal, especially if you compare your relationship with your baby to pretty much any other mother-child mammal relationship.
As mammals, we’re hardwired to want attachment parenting at first, for obvious reasons to do with safety and nourishment. But when young mammals get past the high-risk infant phase, mothers start to get a bit tetchy about being on-demand at all times.
Temperament comes in to play here a bit, too, of course. A female cat who is by nature mellow will be a lot more long-suffering with her troublesome offspring. (Have you ever seen how abusive a kitten or puppy or chimp or any other young mammal can be with its mother, if the mother will let it?) A less mellow female will get annoyed and either ignore her offspring or growl or even give it a gentle warning cuff.
It’s all part of attachments counterpart: detachment. It’s not to say that detachment has to happen overnight. It’s a process that takes a couple of decades, and it starts whenever you as a mother begin to instinctively feel that you need to get a bit of space back for yourself. It’s good for you, and it’s good for your child. The child might not agree with you (if you’ve ever witnessed an enraged kitten who’s being ignored by its mother, you’ll know what I’m talking about), but it’s natural and right. Trust your gut.
I’ve read Dr. Sears, and as you mention, he is vague on the subject. That’s because he can’t presume to know the specific relationship between you and your child, and therefore what’s right for you. But as part of the “parenting manual industry” he can’t tell you to trust your instincts. That goes against their rules.
Oh my god, Babble. Come on. You can’t display paragraph returns? Now my previous comment looks like the rantings of a crazy person. Thanks a lot.
I accidently stumbled upon attachment parenting with my first of three Daughters. Before my first baby’s birth the thought of “something” suckling at my boob was terribly distateful! Now, fast forward eight years and three kids later it’s the most natural thing I’ve ever done. All three of my girls have slept with me and nursed at will all through the night. It’s the easiest and hardest thing I’ve ever done, if that makes sense! I’m almost at the two year mark with my third Daughter and I must admit that the time has come to break the nursing bond with her. I didn’t see the time creeping up on us so quickly. I am an “older” Mother and she is my last baby so I think I’ve kinda clung onto this magical time a little long. I wish there was a magic book that would tell me exactly how to proceed from here to wean her. My other two Daughters went from me to the bottle but that was a nightmare weaning them from that. I know little ones have an natural instinct for suckling for comfort and I don’t want to kick her out of my bed but I’m now at a quandry. I know there is going to be tears from her and me but I don’t regret all of the closeness we have shared in this way. There is nothing better in this World than snuggling with your little one and we’re gonna have that for a long time to come!
Thank you for an interesting & honest article; I’ve been searching for real-life data as I don’t quite know what to make of what I’ve witnessed. My husband & I were not blessed with children of our own but we know lots of children, have many children as guests in our home, & have several godchildren. Over the years we’ve observed many approaches to parenting, & it seems that love covers a multitude of missteps no matter what the method. However, a young couple close to us decided to use AP. We didn’t know anything about it and were totally open to the idea, actually thought it sounded very intuitive, but were puzzled by this couple’s hostile unprovoked defensiveness about their choice, in spite of the generally open-minded acceptance of this choice within our circle of friends. They now have 2 girls ages 5 & 3. The 5-year-old nursed on demand and occupied the sling right up until her sister’s birth, at which time her mother severely restricted her nursing and of course, sling-time was out of the question. Watching this 2-year-old suffer the distress of what she appeared to see as an unfathomable rejection in favor of the new baby really caused us to question this obvious failing of the AP theory. This toddler seriously resented her replacement at the breast, and at times the anger and hostility were disturbing to all who witnessed it. We even saw Mom push her away (gently, but still it was hurtful). Other adults in our circle were unable to step in to console the little girl as Mom had never allowed anyone to hold her or even minimally bond with her, so being held or cuddled by anyone else just made her cry more. In spite of our close friendship, I had not been allowed to hold her until she was about 6 months old, and then only for a few minutes so Mom could go to the bathroom. Anyway, neither of the parents seemed aware of the older girl’s emotions & it was clear to us that it was not open to discussion. After observing both children dealing with this tension for the past 3 years, we see that although they certainly love each other, there is a lot of competition for attention, more than the usual struggle for domination, lots of fights, etc. We never heard the older girl cry until she was a toddler; the first time she cried after taking a hard fall we were surprised that she actually could cry! The younger girl cries and whines almost constantly, then displays a sly smile whenever she finally gets what she wants, especially if it means taking attention away from her sister. The rivalry between them for the “goal” of the moment – mom’s or dad’s attention, a toy, seat, whatever – is not pretty. On top of all that, Mom & Dad do not seem to have much of a relationship anymore. It is no secret that they no longer sleep together regularly – Mom sleeps in the master bedroom with the girls and until recently Dad kept a single bed in his home office but now he’s moved into the children’s room because they never sleep there. That can’t be good for their marriage. I don’t see that AP has done much for the other parts of their home life either. Before the first child was born their home was usually very orderly and clean, but now the house is always a wreck, even when they invite visitors over. The kitchen is dirty, the same stains are on the floor for months, the living room furniture is pushed wherever the kids want it, their back yard is a dirty, cluttered, unkempt eyesore, & the kids’ room stinks. People are afraid to eat food that comes out of their kitchen. Now Mom is blaming food sensitivities for the girls’ behavior issues & they are on a different very restrictive “diet” every few weeks. Dad can’t even keep up with what the girls are allowed to eat on any given day & privately said he’s just given up trying to keep up. Maybe others have better results with AP; maybe our friends just aren’t a good example. Frankly, we are not impressed and are concerned for the long-term effects on their children. When they were first married they planned to have a very large family (12?) but we shudder to think about a home with that many AP children. It’s not a real concern, though, as the Dad told us he is no longer interested in having more children, even though he really wanted a son. Oh, & they are planning to home-school. Thanks to MM for sharing & to everyone for commenting, and for allowing me to participate in your discussion.
Wow, that is a cautionary tale, Interested observer. The bit about oither adults not being allowed to bond with the kids was pretty sad. I do suspect most of this will have calmed waaay down by the time the girls are school aged, assuming they don’t have more kids & they manage to stay married…
I have a friend who did not use the AP practices, and her daughter honestly sounds just as needy and clingy as yours. Unfortunately, she has a lot of other problems, and my heart truly goes out to her. She was regularly left to cry it out, and she has suffered from night terrors for a long time now. Lately, she always wakes up in a panic. She also got to sleep with her parents when they went on vacation and wanted to save money by getting a room with one bed, so now they’re struggling to get her to sleep in her own bed at home, despite the fact that she slept in her crib since she was an infant. She just turned 2 years old. She’s not very affectionate with her parents during the day, and sometimes she gets mad and hits and bites them. At night, she is incredibly clingy, but her parents are determined not to let her sleep with them, so they end up having these terrible battles most nights to get her to sleep.
I have a an infant that I LOVE using AP practices with, and I have the feeling I won’t regret doing this. I think all moms get exhausted, but I wouldn’t blame the AP practices on it. Parenting is hard regardless, but you’ve done a wonderful job with your son, and I’m sure he loves you tremendously for it.
Just so you know, my parents did AP with me, although they didn’t know it was called that. I actually slept in my parents’ bed until I started 2nd grade at the age of seven. I transitioned really easily into my own bed, and my parents never gave me the impression that they had a problem sleeping with me. I was an extremely well-behaved, affectionate child, and I still remember how loved I felt because they let me sleep with them.
Also, I would try to not call yourself “weak” when you’re simply treating your son with love and compassion. I think that’s an extremely positive quality, and I think it’s unnatural for a parent to reject his/her child. I’m sure you will come up with a way to gently recover some of your freedom, but I agree with another comment on here that pushing your child away will not make him less clingly. It’ll probably make him more clingy until he starts to resent you.
Good luck! I think all moms need to vent sometimes, and I completely understand your frustrations. But your son is still so young! I think that, if there’s ever a time to baby someone, it’s when that person is a baby
It probably doesn’t help to hear that it could be much worse, but IT COULD BE MUCH WORSE!!
I was set on using AP methods before my son was born. I had a co-sleeper and six different baby carriers ready to go. I didn’t even bother to get a stroller, pacifiers, a swing or bottles. Today, @ 4 months old my son has all of those things, sleeps in hisW swing, and is never “worn” in his carriers.
What brought about this dramatic shift? Well, let me just say that I would have been thrilled if just holding my son could have kept him happy. Turns out, though, that from about 3 to 12 weeks of age, NOTHING could make him happy most of the time. He cried, screamed, sucked desperately on my finger, and we all struggled to get any sleep or maintain any sanity for weeks on end. The crying didn’t stop until I began eating nothing but chicken, rice, and pears when he was 12 weeks old. WIthin a few days, I had a semblance of a normal baby. I’ve been adding foods back into my diet bit by bit since then, and have identified several things that will bring the screaming back on again.
So, barring food mistakes, I now have a baby that can laugh and smile, but he’s still not that easy to please. Wet diapers, loud noises, and new people make him scream, he sleeps no longer than 1-2 hour stretches, and the magic formula for keeping him moderately content changes every few days. Needless to say, part of that formula at times icludes his pacifier, his swing, and his stroller. He has always hated baby carriers (screamed for an hour straight when we tried to force the issue once).
My point? Take heart. At least you knoe there is a way to make your son happy, even if it requires a good deal of your energy. He is only a year old. He won’t night nurse forever:)
Oh momma. Don’t give up. It’s a long haul, parenting – whatever style you choose – and from one AP momma to another … it’s HARD! My daughter is 17 months and while we nightweaned her (meaning Daddy cosleeps with her now), I still hold her all day long and nurse on demand …
But I have to say this, she’s just one of the loveliest kids I know. She is sweet, observant, kind, attentive – and while I know kids have their natures, I can see what the nurturing has given her.
And what its given me. While I want to drink wine and watch trash TV too, my life has changed in so many ways – I’m waayy more limited than I ever was, and for that I am oddly grateful. I appreciate so much more than I ever did, and when I’m happy, I’m *really* happy.
You’re doing amazing work!
Oh, and just to comment on Interested Observer’s comment … AP or not, I think children struggle with rejection, jealousy, and loss of attention when a sibling is born! It’s pretty normal…
Beanma.com
To Carmelite:
I had a very similar situation with my daughter. However, even removing foods from my diet made no difference. We learned she had sensory integration disorder, which is easily corrected with some occupational therapy. It’s when a baby’s 5 senses don’t develop at the same time and certain stimuli creates havoc on their system. It’s actually quite common, but doctors just call it colic or grandma’s just say it’s a needy kid. Don’t give up and please look into what I mentioned. EVERYTHING bothered our daughter – I know just how you feel, and I almost left the house and never came back. BTW, our daughter is 14 months and absolutely delightful!
Thank you so much for your honesty. I haven’t enjoyed, laughed and related more as I read this tonight.