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What If Toddlers Didn't Outgrow the Weird Things Toddlers Do?

Toddlerhood is a miraculously amazing time of life to witness, they seem to grow by leaps and bounds every single day. Yesterday I taught Vivi about the washer, the dryer, and the walls in the laundry room, as well the difference between whites and colors. Now she’s all about laundry and if I even mention the ‘l’ word, she’s off like a comet to help me fluff and fold. Ever since I first starting watching Convos with My 2-Year-Old, I’ve started imagining the weird things toddlers do — done by grown men and women. Some may be a little more unique to Vivi, while some are universal toddler behavior across the board. In a previous post I talked about things that are cuter when a toddler does them. Bed head, hiding behind curtains, chubby thighs. Now let’s talk about things that wouldn’t be as cute if our toddler never outgrew the behavior.

  • What if toddlers never outgrew their toddlerisms? 1 of 15

    Click through to find out!

  • Hands in the Pants 2 of 15

    Hands in the pants toddler edition = curiosity.

    Hands in the pants adult edition = felony.

  • Kissing Everything 3 of 15

    Kiss everything as a toddler? AWWW. (Even if it is your cousin like those two pictured above.)

    But kissing your cousin, your dolls, walls and the barbeque at 30? You may need to talk to someone about that.

  • Invincibility 4 of 15

    At some point we realize that diving head first into concrete, running down the road with a bucket on our head, or eating week old sandwiches we found on the subway are bad ideas.

    Toddlers? They need these sorts of things explained to them. Kind of like Buddy in Elf, "When you see gum on the street, don't eat it. It's not free candy."

  • Sitting in Buckets 5 of 15

    Every toddler has the quintessential sitting in a bucket full of water photo.

    But if you were to try and sit in a bucket as a 30 year old, you'd probably have to undergo a sobriety test.

  • Crying over NOTHING. 6 of 15

    I've been pregnant twice, so I've had my fair share of cries over nothing. (WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT TAKES 8 MINUTES TO COOK MACARONI? I'M HUNGRY NOOOOOOW.)

    But crying over cat hair stuck to your fingernail? C'mon now, things are getting ridiculous Vivi.

  • Going Boneless 7 of 15

    Pretend you have to go get a pap smear, only instead of walking in full of confidence you simply go boneless outside the door refusing to move any closer to stirrups or a speculum.

  • Constant Nudity 8 of 15

    There are some places where constant nudity is embraced and celebrated.

    Most of us don't live in that place.

    Most of us live in a place where if we ran around in our birthday suit we would be arrested.

  • Licking Everything 9 of 15

    Vivi has a weak spot for licking poles. And legs. And cats. And the floor. And the bottom of her shoes.

    Really the only time licking the bottom of your shoe as a grown human would come in handy is if you were trying to terrify everyone else around you.

  • Waking Up Naked 10 of 15

    Look, a lot of people sleep naked, or wake up naked after a memorable night.

    But no grown person I know wakes up and thinks, "IMMA GONNA STRIP NAKED AND PEE MYSELF. IMMA GONNA SING THE WHOLE TIME TOO!"

    Nope, that craziness is reserved for toddlers.

  • Dress Up 11 of 15

    Vivi walking down the street in a fairy costume with a giant microphone? Adorable.

    Me walking down the street in a fairy costume with a giant microphone? Questionable. (Unless I am on Hollywood Boulevard, pretty much anywhere in NYC, or it's the last week of October.)

  • Random Acts of Yoga 12 of 15

    If you spend any time around a toddler then you know the above pose is really common.

    If we were in line at the movies, you didn't know me, and I suddenly did this in front of you? You'd probably switch lines. (You'd probably switch lines even if you did know me.)

  • Bold Fashion Statements 13 of 15

    She makes upside down sunglasses, stickers on her face, and 7 tiny pigtails all over her head look adorable.

    While there are people who can get away with such statements in fashion, I am not one of them.

  • Hiding Under the Table to Poop 14 of 15

    It's true, Vivi hides under the table to poop.

    What if instead of excusing ourselves to the washroom on a first date, we ducked under the table to lighten our load?

  • Fits 15 of 15

    There are times when I want to throw myself to the ground, cry, scream, kick, and shout profanity through tears and heaving sobs.

    SOMEWHERE in the last 27 years, I was trained not to do such things in public.

    But I sometimes like to think about what would happen if everyone exiting Disneyland threw themselves to the ground with fist pumping anguish in protest of leaving.

Find more of Casey’s writing on her blog moosh in indy or her Babble Voices site Shutterlovely. She’s also available on twitter, facebook, flickr and Instagram. If you can’t find her any of those places? Check the couch, she’s probably taking a nap.

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