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What Were They Thinking?! The Most Age-Inappropriate Toddler Gear

baby wee wee doll

The anatomically correct "Baby Wee Wee Doll," censored

I am notoriously freaked about raising a happy, healthy, well-adjusted daughter among the madness of today. It isn’t just the media that is screwing with our kids’ heads either. Clothing can be pretty messed up. I mean, high heels for babies? Seriously? And toys! Who’d have thought toys could be mentally harmful for toddlers?

I hate Barbie. I hate all dolls, actually. But if my daughter wants a doll or plays with a doll, I’m cool with it. However, I have never bought her one just to buy her one. She’s been given dolls as gifts but, for the most part, they remain untouched. That may be a good thing when you get a load of some of the dolls on the market.

Girly-girl clothing is also non-existent in this home. She wears whatever is most conducive to being able to run and jump and play. If, at some point, she wants a tutu or whatever it is the girly-girls want, great, but I am not going to doll her up because I want to see how “cute” she can look in a frilly dress or whatever.

This attitude is disappointing to my mother who always had me in dresses and the like. But I just don’t want to force any identity on my daughter. I want her to grow into her natural identity and I will take cues from her as to what she likes and doesn’t like.

That said, there is some cuh-RAZY stuff being marketed toward extremely young girls. I checked around and found sixteen mind-blowing items created for toddlers and, you guys, I am appalled this stuff even exists let alone people are purchasing this crap for their children.

This is what happens when designers cross the line from cute to creepy. Reeeeaallly creepy.


  • Lingerie 1 of 16
    Lingerie
    Jours Apres Lunes, a French line of lingerie for tiny tots to teens, is raising eyebrows over its depictions of little girls all dolled up in kiddie bras and underwear. The little girls who model the Fille collection, aimed at 4- to 12-year-olds, wear makeup and sunglasses, aping poses of models four and five times their age. Image courtesy of Jours Apres Lunes
  • It’s Not Lingerie, It’s … 2 of 16
    It's Not Lingerie, It's ...
    The poses, the underwear...Seriously, how is this not child porn? I feel uncomfortable just reposting this photo.
  • Another One From Jours Apres Lunes 3 of 16
    Another One From Jours Apres Lunes
    How are these photos even legal?
  • The Nipple Tassel Tee 4 of 16
    The Nipple Tassel Tee
    The designer of this shirt, Suzi Warren, actually defends it and some of her other creations (which you'll see in the next slide) by saying she created it in response to the horrible sexualization of young girls. "There is nothing very sexy about a baggy, lap neck, long sleeved t-shirt for a 6-month-old. So by embellishing this style of garment with printed nipple tassels, the result is not that the baby becomes sexualized by the tassels, but that the tassels are made benign and silly by the baby. In fact the more inert, innocent and unaware the infant is, the more ludicrous the contrast becomes."
    Image courtesy of Twisted Tee. Twisted is right.

    WARNING: The next slide includes a curse word. Skip past it if you are easily offended.
  • Curse Words for Kids Tee! 5 of 16
    Curse Words for Kids Tee!
    Another Suzi Warren creation. She owns the British company Twisted Tee, which, in my humble opinion, offers all sorts of questionable clothing for babies and toddlers.
  • Padded Bras For 4-Year-Olds 6 of 16
    Padded Bras For 4-Year-Olds
    This photo is courtesty of The Stir who tells the story of a reader whose relative was buying a bra as a Christmas present for her cousin's 4-year-old, who'd been asking for the garment for some time. This is the picture of that bra. Another mom spotted padded bras in a local store in size 3T.
  • Stilletos 7 of 16
    Stilletos
    We've all seen photos of Suri Cruise in heels at the tender age of 3. But that's positively ancient compared to these heels designed for babies! I don't find these high-heeled shoes very "heelarious" but you might. The company "Heelarious" bills them as "Extremely funny, completely soft shoes for babies 0-6 months designed to look like high heels. Not intended for walking (heel will collapse with weight). Not intended to harm children in any way." (Except mentally and emotionally...)
    Image courtesy of Heelarious.com
  • The Pole Dance Doll 8 of 16
    The Pole Dance Doll
    It rotates, it has blinking lights, a disco ball ... and a pole. Fun for the whole family! Especially dad.
    Thanks to the Huffington Post for this image
  • Shave The Baby Doll 9 of 16
    Shave The Baby Doll
    I don't know about you, but I spent my earliest years longing to shave something, anything. This is one company that obviously has its finger on the pulse of the hottest trends. In all seriousness, how creepy is this baby? I think I'd rather wake up to Chuckie standing over me with a knife.
    Thanks again to the Huffington Post for this image
  • The Breastfeeding Doll 10 of 16
    The Breastfeeding Doll
    As we reported on Strollerderby, "Bebe Gloton makes sucking noises as it nurses. The doll comes with a special halter top that looks a bit like a nursing bra and which allows girls to "breastfeed" their baby. According to the production description at Amazon.com, this is "the first breastfeeding doll ever created and the purpose of this doll is to create awareness of the importance of breastfeeding." No comment.
  • Penis-Joke Onesies 11 of 16
    Penis-Joke Onesies
    Penis jokes about toddlers are funny, right? Not so much. I first discovered this onesie (available in sizes up to 3T) when I wrote a piece on innappropriate onesies over on Baby's First Year There are several other shocking onesies including one that says "I love tits." Charming.
  • Tattoo Barbie 12 of 16
    Tattoo Barbie
    Forget Barbie's Dream House, now Barbie comes with a tattoo gun, bitches! Show your toddler the wonders of getting inked!
    Image courtesy of the Huffington Post
  • Another Clever Double Entendre Onesie 13 of 16
    Another Clever Double Entendre Onesie
    I couldn't help it. In my search for the elusive "Future Hooters Girl" toddler tee that was on sale a few years ago, I came across this item on CafePress.com. Perfect for the toddler gal in your life. Available in sizes up to 2T!
  • Teach Terrorism With Legos! 14 of 16
    Teach Terrorism With Legos!
    According to Trendhunter.com these LEGO compatible figurines are made by BrickArms. The plastic-adapted LEGO-like toys come in the shape of masked terrorists, Nazi storm troopers and military figures. These violent models come heavily armed with grenades, rocket launchers, sub-machine guns, and a plethora of other miscellaneous weapons. Who's ready for playtime?
  • Shape-Ups For Toddlers 15 of 16
    Shape-Ups For Toddlers
    I first wrote about these Sketcher shape-up shoes over on Strollerderby. They come in sizes 1-4 for kids and even include velcro options in case your chubby-fisted toddler can't yet tie laces, but is in desperate need of a perkier butt. #sadparent
  • Baby Wee Wee Doll 16 of 16
    Baby Wee Wee Doll
    I'm all for teaching kids the proper names for our body parts early on, but this "Baby Wee Wee" doll might be taking things a bit too far.
    Photo of actual doll courtesy of thingamababy.com

The 33 Most Ridiculous Toys of All Time: A “what were they thinking?” hall of fame

MORE ON BABBLE:

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The 15 creepiest, weirdest dolls…EVER
10 toddler personalities your kid will meet in preschool

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