When I Feel Like I Am Not EnoughBeth Anne Ballance
I tend to hyper-focus on areas of my life and right now, it is my career. I’m focused and enjoying what I do and every day, I look up and say to myself, “Oh my, it’s already 5pm? How did that happen?” Then I race home to put something on the dinner table and try to squeeze in quality time with the guys, but I’m exhausted by 8 PM. Simply exhausted.
Which is why both my personal blog and Babble have been relatively radio-silent in the past few weeks.
Last night, my husband came home early from work with a prescription from the nearby Minute Clinic. While I had a cold, he had an untreated sinus infection and high blood pressure from over-the-counter meds. He needed rest and even though my own nose was dripping and I had a tough day at the office, I took Harry to the park and library and the grocery store. By 8 PM, my bones were aching and all three of us were in bed with Vicks rubbed on our chests.
I don’t mind being so busy or being pulled in so many directions. I love taking care of my family. But it doesn’t mean that it isn’t tiring and overwhelming at times.
Whew. That felt good to get out because while I had fun with Harry last night, I certainly didn’t feel any “carpe diem” about the whole thing, or treasuring every mothering moment. I didn’t know how to make him remember to whisper in the library. I had to carry him on my hip through the grocery store since he didn’t feel good. I wanted to trade places with my husband and be the one curled under the covers. Yesterday was about survival.
Sometimes motherhood is simply about survival.
And maybe that’s where my insecurities flow from – do other women feel this way? Do they ever look at the day and go, “THANK GOD I SURVIVED”? I see blogs of women who seem to do it all so perfectly. They cook and know the latest trends and have perfectly coiffed hair and by golly, I’m still wearing sweatshirts from college. I admit to a twinge of jealousy because I just don’t know how to be that kind of woman.
Sometimes I’m just surviving. Is that okay to admit?