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Zombies Don't Eat Brains, Toddlers Do

She's waving goodbye to my sanity.

She’s waving goodbye to my sanity.

I openly admit to not being a toddler person, I have a profound appreciation for the little critters but if I were to be surrounded by all toddlers all the time, I would be a sobbing heap in the middle of the floor covered with stickers and surrounded by smashed Goldfish crackers. How my mother had my sister and me 22 months apart is beyond my realm of comprehension. I can barely even keep plants alive with Vivi around, let alone another human. I’m convinced toddlers go through elite training in breaking down their foes physically, then striking at their mental capacity until their caregivers are rendered useless and pliable to their every toddler will.

As of late I have had to switch parenting gears. My tunnel vision kicked in yesterday when I had to pull Vivi away from her near successful attempt to climb under a riding lawnmower at Home Depot. Before the lawnmower incident I was aware of all the older people meandering about the garden section discussing flowers, fertilizers and tomato cages. I smiled at them, I nodded, I even did a little wave here and there. Then Vivi darted for the blades of terror and death that surely awaited her under a giant orange motor and my vision was gone, suddenly it was just about getting the toddler away from imminent danger no matter the level of shrieking and flailing involved. My tunnel vision kept me safe from any possible judgmental sneers or comments while my cat like reflexes were able to carry Vivi out under one arm as I pushed the cart with my other.

I have to give the kid credit, she hasn’t been pulled away from many things in full fit mode yet she knew to raise her arms straight up and kick her legs like a dolphin thus eliminating any chance of her arms causing a snafu with her escape. She was basically a short 30 pound earthworm, twirling every which way in an attempt to slip from my grasp.

While I’m hoping this whole “scream at everything ALL THE TIME” phase is just a little blip on the toddler radar screen, there’s a very good chance this may be for the long haul.

In that case, forgive me while out in public, we’re simply trying to survive.

Find more of Casey’s writing on her blog moosh in indy or her Babble Voices site Shutterlovely. She’s also available on twitter, facebook, flickr and Instagram. If you can’t find her any of those places? Check the couch, she’s probably taking a nap.

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