7 Conscious Coupling Candidates for Gwyneth Paltrow

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This post was guest written by my husband Jon Taylor a.k.a. The Funniest Man on the Planet:

I think we’ll all remember where we were and what we were doing when we heard the news: Gwyneth Paltrow was ‘Consciously Uncoupling’ with Chris Martin, her husband of ten years and father to Apple and Moses. Apparently their relationship had turned to Goop, and for the high priestess of lifestyle enlightenment the only option was a Conscious Uncoupling. You might think it’s just a divorce, but Conscious Uncoupling is to your ordinary divorce as 1,200 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets are to those cloth K-Mart tarps you drape over your mattress at night.

But that was three whole weeks ago. Any gal with four life coaches, a Buddhist monk and a Reiki Master on payroll should be more than ready to move on.  It’s time for her to get back out there. Toward that end, after consulting with a blue ribbon panel of yentas, busy-bodies, tabloid junkies and a woman outside my yoga place, I offer up seven candidates for Gwynnie’s next Conscious Coupling:

1. Justin Bieber:

A total win-win scenario. With his legal problems casting a shadow on this Canadian citizen’s ability to stay in this country, the Biebs needs to marry, and fast. For her part, Gwyneth is 42 this year (you’d never know it, right? Nightly masks with imported spring mud from Peru. You can’t afford it.) That means it’s getting harder and harder to connect with her prime 18 – 34 year old Goop demo. And do you really think 50-year-olds are buying many Veddic purifying bath candles? A few convenient TMZ ambushes where you’re spotted turning the Biebs and his posse onto the joys of locally sourced Heirloom Tomatoes and the youth cred just rolls in.

Potential Complication: Apparently the ladies just can’t hit it & quit it with the Biebs. To the rest of the world, he’s a skinny jerk with all the soul and presence of an Ed Hardy Tattoo, but Selena Gomez literally had to check into rehab to quit this guy.

2. Sting:

Another perfect mating & co-Branding opportunity? Post-punk icon turned insufferable soft-Jazz Shaman, Sting! Between the avid vegan advocacy, the endless Tantric nookie, and the love of sustainable ecosystems, these two could be a match made in Heaven, or at least the Green section of the Huffington Post. Imagine the stories that would circulate of friends arriving at their London brownstone for an afternoon of sampling fair-trade teas, then staying for an impromptu three hour lute solo! For those killjoy, detail-obsessed types pointing out the existence of longtime Sting spouse Trudie Styler, given that her actual name is “Trudie,” she’s gotta be pushing 80 and therefore not really a long-term obstacle.

Potential Complication: The combo of these two under one roof could potentially form a black hole of self-regard that would engulf the galaxy.

3. Angelina Jolie:

Nothing would speed up our sluggish recovery faster than the tabloid-buying frenzy that would ensue with the bombshell that the first and third soul-mates of Brad Pitt have merged in a Sapphic super-couple. Imagine the synergy of Gywnnie accompanying Angelina on a trip to Bangledesh and inspiring the locals with the power of Smoothies Pureed from Whole Foods Organic Artisanal Asparagus?

Potential complication: Four years of side-bar articles on Jennifer Aniston, green with envy at this power coupling, and pregnant for the first time at 53.

4. The Dalai Lama:

This one is almost inevitable. They’ll meet-cute, stumbling over the sandal rack at Richard Gere’s Prayer yurt … They’ll pick up each other’s iPad by accident, the rich Huanghuali wood covers rendering them virtually identical … A meeting at Bono’s pagoda (the one in the Hamptons, not the Necker Island one) to make the exchange will turn into a long afternoon of harmonic ascendance and total hot smoldering consciousness. Karmic Bliss ensues, as does a line of ironically expensive prestige meditation wear.

Potential Complication:  Don’t let the celibacy and the aesthetic existence fool you — The Dalai is totally co-dependent and obsessive, which obviously is magnified by the whole reincarnation routine. Rumor has it that he stalked Kate Hudson through four lifetimes before getting the hint.

5. Tony Blair:

After a decade married to a British rock superstar, and an upper crust one at that, Gwyneth has some hefty anglophile needs to fulfill. What better way to re-establish her Downtown Abbey caliber bonifides than hooking up with the ex-Prime Minister? He’s handsome, married but not too married, and best of all, landing him will really stick it to that fellow Brit-loving Frenemy, Madonna.

Potential complication: The occasional Thanksgiving with the Queen. Royal breath. Enough said.

6. Stedman:

A global guru like Gwyneth needs a man who knows how to cede the limelight and gracefully play second fiddle. After more than a quarter century silently vouching for Oprah’s rumored heterosexuality, Stedman is more than ready for his greatest challenge.

Potential complication: No way he’s on board with any of this gluten-free BS, just look at the man.

7. Vladimir Putin:

With their empires expanding faster than Chris Christie’s boxer briefs, these two might be a better match than you’d initially think. What better way for a newly single despot to take the edge off the ruthless annexation of the Ukraine and Belarus than with some Hot Yoga with his new lady love? And as awesome as Vlad may look bare chested riding a horse in the Urals, wait until you catch him in a curated $900 Artic wool cardigan next to Gwyneth at the Marc Jacobs show. What’s in it for her? Remember that this is a gal with enemies, ranging from Vanity Fair and Martha Stewart all the way down to everyday ankle biters mocking her every statement, purchase, and action. Given Putin’s track record of dealing with dissent, this won’t last long.

Potential complication:  Me filing my next Babble blog from somewhere very cold. Here’s hoping they have decent Wi-Fi in the Gulags.


This was written by Jon Taylor.

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