Dadventures In Parenting: A multiple-ending story for your enjoyment.

When I was a kid I used to read those Select-Your-Own-Ending books (in which there was an adventure of your own that you would choose…am I being too subtle?). I loved them. They were always so weird. I’m a shark now? What the hell?

But parenting is its own adventure, and not one that ever really made it into that multiple-ending narrative format. Until now.

I present to you “Daventures in Parenting”, a Select-Your-Own-Ending story by me, Shawn Burns.

Enjoy. Beware of robots.

  • Prepare for the adventure of your life! 1 of 21
    Prepare for the adventure of your life!
    Turn to page 1 by clicking on the number "1". The rest is up to you.
  • Page 1 2 of 21
    Page 1
    Your day begins. A child pokes you in the eye as you sleep, and demands that you prepare breakfast. If you get up to make breakfast, go to page 2. If you tell them to go away, go to page 3. If you yell at them, then get up and make breakfast, go to page 4.
  • Page 2 3 of 21
    Page 2
    After breakfast, your kid asks you if you will take take him/her to the park to play with Fred, a slightly older child. You don't like Fred, but you've exchanged small talk with his dad from time to time, and his dad usually brings him to the park. If you agree to go to the park anyway, go to page 6. If you try to think of something else to do, go to page 8.
  • Page 3 4 of 21
    Page 3
    When you finally emerge from your warm bed, you find the house a total disaster. If you ignore the mess and prepare breakfast, go to page 2. If the seeing the mess inspires you to take your kid out of the house immediately, go to page 8.
  • Page 4 5 of 21
    Page 4
    You follow your now-weeping child into the kitchen and put something together for breakfast. If you try to calm him/her down with gentle words, go to page 2. If you tell your kid to cut it out, go to page 5.
  • Page 5 6 of 21
    Page 5
    Your kid grumpily calms down, and you make it through breakfast. You ask if he/she wants to do anything today, and all you get in reply is a sullen "I dunno". If you decide to stay home until the mood passes, go to page 9. If you decide you need to get out of the house at all costs, go to page 8.
  • Page 6 7 of 21
    Page 6
    You see Fred at the park, and he immediately starts tossing sand at your kid, who gets some in his eye. If you talk to Fred's dad about it, go to page 7. If you decide to say nothing about it, but try to find another activity to do out of the house, go to page 8. If you decide to take your kid home to calm down, go to page 9.
  • Page 7 8 of 21
    Page 7
    Fred's dad has some saline solution on him, and offers it up as an eyewash for your son. The kids play together for a while, and eventually the subject of the days later doings comes up. Fred's dad invites you and your kid to a playdate in the afternoon. If you decline, go to page 8. If you accept, go to page 11.
  • Page 8 9 of 21
    Page 8
    Some solo parenting time in your future, you wonder how to spend the bulk of your day out of the house. If your day will include the library, go to page 10. If your day will include the movies, go to page 13. If your day will include some outdoor exploration, go to page 15.
  • Page 9 10 of 21
    Page 9
    Your kid begs you to watch some TV. If you turn it on, go to page 12. If you try to convince him/her to play some games with you, go to page 14.
  • Page 10 11 of 21
    Page 10
    You make it to the library, but it has been overrun by robots. If you try to use contradiction to get the robot brains to explode, go to page 17. If you join them to spread their robot-y agenda across the world, go to page 19.
  • Page 11 12 of 21
    Page 11
    It turns out that Fred's dad is really into Coldplay, and wants to play Coldplay's new album while the kids are playing. If you punch Fred's dad in the mouth and leave, go to page 17. If you just leave, go to page 19.
  • Page 12 13 of 21
    Page 12
    Turning it on, the screen flashes some scenes from a daytime "talk" show that involves chairs being thrown at people, screaming, and fistfights breaking out on stage. Your kid asks you what is going on. If you ignore the question and turn it off, go to page 16. If you answer the question honestly, go to page 18.
  • Page 13 14 of 21
    Page 13
    The only movie being shown at the theater is about sparkly vampires. If you burn the theater to the ground to prevent anyone else from accidentally lobotomizing themselves, go to page 17. If you leave the theater standing because you forgot your lighter, go to page 19.
  • Page 14 15 of 21
    Page 14
    You give your kid a choice between a capitalistic acquisition-style game and chess. He/she elects to play "global thermonuclear war". If you play tic-tac-toe with him/her until it is obvious that no one would win a good ol' GTW, go to page 19. If you agree to play GTW because anything beats being bored at home, go to page 17.
  • Page 15 16 of 21
    Page 15
    You decide to go for a hike, but while you are rounding a familiar corner in the woods, you are accosted by hipsters who want to know why your jeans are so baggy and you care about things. If you steal their fake glasses and shave their ironic mustaches off, go to page 17. If you agree that your jeans are baggy, and decide to have a PBR even though it's 10am, go to page 19.
  • Page 16 17 of 21
    Page 16
    Your house is attacked by aliens. If you try to rally the neighbors and fight back, go to page 17. If you surrender, go to page 19.
  • Page 17 18 of 21
    Page 17
    You know you've made the right choice when, later that night, inundated with thoughts of the violence and destruction you've been party to, your kid looks up at you and says "I love you dad."
  • Page 18 19 of 21
    Page 18
    Your kid wants to grow up to be the mayor of Cincinnati so that one day he/she can also have a show like that on TV. If you call in a favor from your old friend, the President, and get him to order a nuclear strike on Cincinnati, go to page 17. If you allow your kid to dream of a life of politics and tabloid TV, go to page 19.
  • Page 19 20 of 21
    Page 19
    You wonder if you've made the right choice, but you realize it doesn't even matter. Later that night, your kid looks up into your eyes and, refusing to damn you for your weakness, whispers "I love you dad."
  • Page 20 21 of 21
    Page 20
    You totally cheated. There is no legitimate way to get to this page. That's okay. Your kid loves you anyway.


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More of me on Parenting Off the Map:

“Why I won’t let my daughter be a girl scout.”

“That front-carrier looks ridiculous on you, dad.”

“The Top 10 Secrets Your Kids Tell Each Other. You Will Be Shocked!”


Article Posted 4 years Ago

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