Dear Children, Ummm…Sorry?SAMANTHA BEE AND ALLANA HARKIN
We apologize in advance.
This may seem like an odd gesture considering you’re all so young and not much has happened yet, but this life is long and we are all most certainly going to be on a bumpy, yet exhilirating, ride. And on this ride your mothers (either Sam or Allana) are going to make mistakes or things you perceive as mistakes (Which is more likely, lets be honest). Regardless! We want to say we’re sorry. We are the new millenium parent and we are not above apologizing to our children.
We love you,
P.S. So SORRY, for all the stuff that is about to come and especially for these:
Sorry (sort of)… 1 of 9I'm sorry for caring about who you date. I just do. If there was one thing I did right as a young woman it was that I never dated any douche-bags. I wouldn't stand for it no matter how popular or cute they were. This didn't always make me the most popular person in high-school but it certainly set me up for marrying your kick ass dad. It was worth it. - Allana
And this too… 2 of 9I'm sorry in advance for giving you my party-related-anxiety, but it's genetic. You are pre-destined to always be the person at the party who never takes their coat off and flop sweats during each and every unsuccessful attempt at small talk. - Sam
Sorry about this… 3 of 9Did I tell you where babies come from too soon? Sorry about that. It probably wasn't necessary for me to reenact how you came out of my vagina (with sound effects and painful facial expressions) when you were only 4 years old, but I'll be damned if I was going to let you believe that your birth was anything less than your mother BEING AWESOME. (Thank you for not asking how you got into my body to begin with. I'm not ready for that yet.) - Allana
Sorry, but it just has to be done… 4 of 9And on the subject of telling you too much...sorry for telling you too much. My mother told me very little and in some ways I'm grateful for that because it has always kept me young...and a little bit clueless. But I don't want you heading into your teen years not knowing the basics. Trust me, although it may feel momentarily humiliating to hear some of these things come from your mother it's a thousand times worse to hear it explained by some pimpled teen jerk in a cafeteria. - Allana
Sorry (no, I’m not singing it)… 5 of 9I'm sorry that I never sang children's' songs to you, but quite honestly, I don't know any. Now that you have children of your own, just do what I did and keep the soundtrack to Wicked on repeat mode; it'll put hair on your chest. I'm also sorry for saying things like "it'll put hair on your chest." It won't. Please stop asking me about that. - Sam
So sorry (mwah!!!!)… 6 of 9I'm sorry that I'm going to continue crying at everything thing you do that remotely makes me proud. I can't just smile and clap politely. I admire those people who can, as they are usually the ones asking me if I need a kleenex when I watch you on the stage singing "The Dreidel Song" and subsequently bawl my eyes out. You're not even Jewish - but damn you sing a good Chanukah song. - Allana
Really sorry for this one… 7 of 9I'm sorry for telling you that you have a relative who spent time in prison once. It has clearly already traumatized you, since you have talked about it almost continuously for a year and a half. I should have saved this for "never". - Sam
And this one too… 8 of 9I'm sorry about that time your face got sunburned. Unfortunately, we also took a photo of it, so when you are mad at us during 'the teen years', you will take this as evidence that we routinely left you out in the sun to fry. It only happened that one time, we felt terrible, and in our defense, we severely underestimated the tenderness of baby flesh, due to our extreme incompetence. It was probably the one time in your life that you have ever had a tan, so...there's that. - Sam
You know we love you RIGHT?! 9 of 9We're sorry for the blog you just read that has somehow offended you. For what it's worth we both work diligently to ensure that nothing we write will upset you. In fact we often go as far as to make ourselves look like raging lunatics. So sorry for that too. You won't understand any of this until you're a mother anyway (but it is so worth it). - Sam and Allana
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