Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I know this is last-minute, but I’m sure you’ll understand that I’ve been a bit busy lately, what with the working and baking and cleaning and shopping and wrapping.  But I have a feeling that you work well under pressure and last-minute demands.

I’ve been a really good girl this year. I’ve hardly gotten into any trouble at all and I’ve done many good things. Remember when I listened for an hour to Brooklyn singing her made-up song that only contained the lyrics do be do be do? And this year I’ve done 748 loads of laundry. That alone has got to count for something, right? Maybe a new pair of jeans for myself? I not only washed, dried, and folded the laundry, but I got almost all of it sorted into the right piles for the kids. (Although it was pretty funny when Savannah tried to put on Jackson’s jeans and thought she’d gained weight overnight.)

I’ve baked cookies with my kids even though by doing so, an extra 10 pounds found their way to my hips. I’ve run out to the store at 10:00 at night to buy fruit for a class party my child forgot to tell me about until, well, 10:00 at night. I even helped my kids with their homework. Math homework. Fraction homework. I think you’ll agree that that, in and of itself, should merit a new car! I’m not picky; any car that runs would be wonderful!

Speaking of cars, I’ve taught not one, but two teenagers to drive. For this, I’d like a couple boxes of hair color, please. Any shade of brown will do; I just need it to cover up the gray.

I’ve attended countless football practices and games in scorching hot Florida weather and I never complained I hardly complained I didn’t complain during at least two games. I think. And I drove my son (sometimes along with friends) home from games and practices. I must have gone through a tanker-truck of Febreeze this summer. Remembering the stench of Sweaty Football Boys in Florida Heat reminds me that I could use some new lotion and shower gel from Crabtree & Evelyn, please.

I didn’t freak out when my son pierced his own ears. Well, I didn’t freak out too much. Okay, fine maybe I freaked out a lot, but can you blame me? He pierced his own ears! With a needle! Who does that?! But I didn’t disown him or anything so I think I deserve some jewelry of my own. I’m partial to silver and pink.

I’ve spent countless hours helping middle school kids not only with their homework, but with the basic manners that middle school kids should already know. As you know, this sucks the life out of me. Perhaps a nice bottle of wine would help me to de-stress. (Or, you know, a flask I could keep in my desk at school.)

I’ve sat through several band concerts this year. Beginning band concerts. You know, the kind of band concerts where the kids play 12 songs, each of them containing the same 3 notes. I have Hot Cross Buns permanently etched into my brain. I think an iTunes gift card and a new set of ear buds would be nice.

I’ve checked out colleges with my son and helped my daughter to complete all her volunteer hours for National Honor Society. I can’t imagine either of my teens moving out. The thought makes me immeasurably sad. If you could rewind time and bring them back to the ages when they were more interested in drawing on the walls than looking at colleges and careers, I would be so grateful. I would happily go back to changing diapers all day if I could just get a few more years with my kids before they grow up.

Well, I’ll let you go, Santa as I’m sure you’re as busy as I am with last-minute details. I’ll be sure to leave you a nice plate of cookies and a glass of wine. Some might say that wine and cookies don’t go together, but you and I know better.

Thanks Santa,


To read more from Dawn, check out her hilarious books Because I Said So (and other tales from a less-than-perfect parent) and You’ll Lose the Baby Weight (and other lies about pregnancy and childbirth) here!

I don’t always waste time, but when I do, I enjoy playing on Facebook. Come with me, my friend.

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