Fake Interviews With People I Hope I’ll Never Meet: Kim Kardashian

Amalah: Oh, sweet Jeebus.

Kim Kardashian: Heeeeeey!

Amalah: For the sake of accuracy and fairness, Kim, I should probably tell you that while I do know a shocking amount of information about you and your life, I’ve gleaned it all without ever watching a minute of your shows or even — now that I think about it — seeing actual footage of you speaking at all. I think I saw a clip of you on The Soup once? Other than that, my only real sense of your voice and speaking style comes from the Saturday Night Live impression. So this Fake Interview may be even Faker than usual.

Kim Kardashian: I like your purrrrse.

Amalah: That’s…my baby, actually.*

Kim Kardashian: So where do you keep your monnnney?

Amalah: *lifts diaper bag up*

Kim Kardashian: *recoils in horror*

Amalah: What? I mean, yeah, it’s a little utilitarian and stuff but…

Kim Kardashian: It’s just so real. Kind of backpacky? The white swirly design is nice.

Amalah: Thanks. Although I think that might be old spit-up. I should…dab that off, probably.

Kim Kardashian: My sister has a baby. I held him once! Kind of like a dog. But that’s more of a Paris Hilton thing.

Amalah: Yes! I know that. I also know that she is pregnant again and her boyfriend looks like Christian Bale in American Psycho and I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW I KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT YOU PEOPLE.

Kim Kardashian: Kayne and I are just really good friends.

Amalah: I’ll BET you are.

Kim Kardashian: No, I mean the rumors that we’re dating. His name starts with a K so it’s perfect and whatever.

Amalah: Yeah, no, I got that part.

Kim Kardashian: Weren’t you supposed to like, be asking me questions and stuff?

Amalah: Yeah, I was…I just… I’m having trouble thinking of things to ask that I don’t already know the answer to. That I don’t already know about you. THAT’S how “Kept Up With” you are, so to speak.

Kim Kardashian: Thanks for watching! *air kisses*

Amalah: But I don’t watch! Have never watched! And yet somehow you and your mom and your sisters have managed to invade the pockets of my subconscious and GAH I KNOW TOO MUCH.

Kim Kardashian: *smiles creepily*

Amalah: *detects slightest sound of whirring computer processors coming from her face*

Amalah: Whoa. Are you a Cylon? An android? A robot controlled by a tiny miniature alien inside your skull tasked with protecting a tiny miniature universe or something?

Kim Kardashian: Sorry, that’s like, four seasons’ worth of plot points away. We have to do a pregnancy bump watch storyline with Kanye first before we get to that.

Amalah: Oh, I see. Well, good luck, I guess.

Kim Kardashian: We’re just really good friends, you know.

*That joke technically belongs to the lovely and talented Mira Jacob, who is actually the person who came up with the idea for Fake Interviews, and who wrote a better version of the baby-purse joke while talking about Snooki. I LOVE YOU MIRA LIKE I LOVE CHEESY GRITS WITH RUNNY EGGS ON TOP.

Read more original flavor Amalah
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