I Am Going To Pee In Your Pool

That's me. That's your pool.



…but it’s ok, because I’m quite likely to pee in my own as well.

Here’s what got me thinking about it; I was stroller-ing the toddler down the street this morning, as she munched her cheese almond danish. She dropped it, I picked it up, did a quick “visual”, handed it back to her, and she continued munching. Cue: two women near me nearly fainted from the very witnessing of this. Oh snap! I got judged!

Why, I ask? I did my due diligence. If the cheese danish had picked up visible dirt, fallen into something moist, or been moist itself and thus more likely to pick up some assorted nastiness, I would have left it for the pigeons.  But no. Dry sidewalk. Dry danish. No dirty bits. That, my friend, is a successful “visual”.

(Come on! That stupid danish was expensive! It was organic! Some artisanal spelt farmer gave up a whole afternoon pounding those stalks into a fine powder, and for what? So I could leave it there, looking so delicious and lonely on the ground? If I fell on the ground, would you throw me away too? Don’t answer that.)

It got me thinking about dirt and dirty things–but mostly dirty things that seem to  upset people (even though they also probably do them when no one is looking.)

And so, this is my question: is there anyone among us who has not pee’d in a swimming pool? And if we all have, then what exactly is the reason why everybody gets so freaked out by the mere suggestion? I’ll lay it out for you right now; I have. Probably everyone I know has. My son does it all the time, I don’t encourage it, but he does. If he didn’t stand there like a marble statue of a boy joyfully peeing into a fountain, I’d never even know about it. I also pee in the shower EVERY SINGLE DAY. I’m probably peeing right now.

You know what’s not that dirty? A dry sidewalk. Urine. Urine in a chlorinated pool. Dry cheese danishes that fall on said dry sidewalk.

You know what IS dirty? Like, really really dirty? Hospitals. Doctor’s offices. Your doctor’s hands. Deli meats. The inside of your mouth. The inside of your doctor’s mouth. (note: not usually applicable)

Have we become so squeamish that we have forgotten that we are only a half-millimeter away from returning to ‘ape’ at any given moment? That the veneer of civilization can be erased in the blink of an eye; anyone who has ever endured a weather delay for a flight out of LaGuardia knows that for a fact.

Embrace the dirty. Ever-so-slightly. Just try it. It’s such a relief, I swear.

Furthermore if you haven’t pee’d in a pool, at least once in your life, that probably means you’re no fun at all. But invite me over to your pool party anyway, just in case. There’s something I need to take care of. Maybe.

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Check out other posts by  Sam and Allana:

In which Allana reviews a smutty book

In which I make sweet love to the State of Maine

In which I retire my boobies



Article Posted 4 years Ago

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