Luke’s Thoughtful Letter to the Car SeatJohn Cave Osborne
It’s Luke Osborne, here. You know, John and Caroline’s baby? The fifth of their five? Just wanted to drop you a quick note to thank you.
For RUINING MY DAMN LIFE!
Oh, sure, you keep me safe and sound, no small feat given Mom’s shameful track record on the road, (Dad’s right she couldn’t drive a peg in a billy goat’s ass with a bass fiddle…). But keeping me safe and sound is the least you could do, you know. Given how miserable you’ve made these commutes for me.
How, you might ask? I’ll tell you how. By being so damn durable. So safe. So prudent. See, the triplets are already five. That means that Mom and Dad first got their car seats a half decade ago. But the Graco seats are so well-built that they have totally stood the test of time. And they’re super-safe, too, which means that they’re prudent. A lot of words to say the following:
One of the triplets’ Graco car seats is now mine.
That’s right. I have a hand-me-down car seat. And I’ve got a little question for you. As the youngest of five and as a little boy with two older brothers don’t you think that I’ve had about enough with the hand-me-downs already? I mean, I may as well move to a commune. Because at least then I wouldn’t be the only one. You know — who doesn’t actually own any of his belongings.
Because none of my belongings are truly mine. They all belonged to someone else before being handed down to me! And while that’s bad enough for clothes, it’s particularly lame with car seats. Know why? Here. Lemme walk you through it.
It goes like this, you see. Car seats are for babies. And babies wear diapers. And those diapers are in constant contact with said car seat. OH. Did I mention that babies pee in diapers? Didn’t think so. So, you know what you get when you do all that math?
A hand-me-down car seat that smells like half-decade old urine. So thanks for that.
Because you’re durability is not only keeping me safe, it’s also making me smell like someone else’s pee. Good time, Graco.
What’s that? Ah. Yes. You’re right. Your durability is, indeed, saving my parents some cash. Well played.
Too bad, though, that the these savings will eventually evaporate (much like 5-year-old urine). Because you show me a kid who smells like his brother’s pee and I’ll show you a kid with some damn issues. And therapy isn’t exactly cheap, brother. No it’s not.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. That it won’t always be this bad. Because soon, I’ll outgrow the infant seat and will sit in one of those big-boy deals that face the front seat.
Well guess what? Those are pretty durable, too. Yep. You guessed it. I’ll be inheriting one of them as well. And you know what bigger babies do? Pee more. So I got that to look forward to.
Oh, I know. By the time the triplets got to the booster seats, they were potty trained. So at least then, I won’t have to deal with parfum-de-la-whiz.
But you do realize that the amount of food items that have decayed on those seats has officially converted them into biohazards, don’t you?
So, yeah, that’s kinda all I got. Just wanted to let y’all know all that. You know, that you’re killing me over here.
Thanks to how incredibly great you’ve always been. At least Mommy and Daddy totally love you guys, though.
And despite everything else, that makes you okay in my book.
Are you baby safety savvy? We’re giving away two Graco SnugRide Click Connect infant car seats! To enter for a chance to win, simply comment on this post with a personal tip on how you keep baby safe in the car.
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