Every year I make a list of resolutions. And every year by May, I end up modifying those resolutions. By the time December rolls around, I’ve completely forgotten what my resolutions were and why I made them in the first place. It’s tradition. For example, last year I resolved to lose 50 pounds by eating healthier foods and exercising. Shortly after, I modified my resolution to lose at least 2 pounds and occasionally eat some foods that weren’t deep-fried in fat and/or smothered in chocolate. However, as I was inhaling Christmas cookies by the gross last week, it was pretty evident I’d forgotten the resolution altogether. So this year, I’m making reasonable resolutions I can easily keep. Feel free to use any of these resolutions in your own self-improvement plans.
THIS YEAR, I RESOLVE TO:
1. buy jeans that are 2 sizes bigger so it just looks like I lost weight.
2. start putting Baileys in my coffee for a less stressful morning.
3. lower my cholesterol level by raising my caffeine level.
4. make a list of all my passwords which should save me approximately 238 hours a year trying to remember them.
5. relax and let go of my overwhelming stress when sharing the road with people who can’t manage to get up to the speed limit. (Well, either that, or mount a missile launcher on the front of my car.)
6. remember that life is short. Appreciate all the little moments and let insignificant things like laundry, paying bills, and cooking go.
7. start listening to opera and singing along very loudly in an Italian-sounding, made-up language when driving my teens and their friends places in an effort to get out of always having to drive (since my ‘listen to 80s music’ plan backfired on me last year when the kids thought it was “retro” and “cool”).
8. stop texting my kids when they’re in another room to tell them dinner’s ready. From now on, I’ll make them cook and text me when dinner’s ready.
9. tell the person at Starbuck’s a new name every time I stop for coffee, then count how many times they get it right this year. (Or maybe I’ll explain that “Dawn” and “Don” are not interchangeable.)
10. stop Facetiming my daughter to give her puppy eyes while begging her to make brownies. Oh wait, scratch that one. That’s crazy talk! I have no intention of stopping that.
And there’s no reason why I should be the only person in my family to
suffer work toward bettering myself. To that end, I’ve taken the time to create a list for my children as well. I’m sure they’ll be overjoyed and thankful for my well thought-out resolutions.
1. My children will learn to rinse their globs of toothpaste down the sink before they solidify into little, hard, white stalagmites.
2. My children will learn to put their dirty dishes in the dishwasher instead of leaving them on the table, the floor, buried under laundry in their rooms, or (my personal favorite) 2 inches away from the dishwasher on the counter.
3. My children will understand that instead of using the excuse, “Well, I couldn’t put my plate in the dishwasher because the dishes are clean”, they are to EMPTY the dishwasher and put those dishes away first.
4. My children will realize that even though I adore all the pictures, drawings, and paintings made especially for me, my refrigerator is only so big and now and then I might have to toss an old drawing
so as not to have a fire hazard to make room for new ones. It does not mean I don’t love them.
5. My children will realize that lying in bed all day, playing on their computers and/or texting friends, then asking me to let them use the car, give them money, or drive them someplace is NEVER a good idea.
6. My children will learn to turn their socks around first instead of putting little, smelly, dirty inside-out balls in the laundry. And speaking of laundry, they will learn to clean out their pockets so I don’t wash any more DS game cartridges, lip gloss, rocks, bugs, coins, pencils, or cheese sticks.
7. My children will understand that just because an item does not jump out and bite them on the butts, does not mean the item no longer exists; it simply means they need to use their brains and look for it. Perhaps their shoes are still where they took them off and left them. Maybe the cleaning supplies are in the same closet they’ve been in since the day we moved here. Just maybe.
8. My children will discover that it is not acceptable to have enough food in their rooms to open a 7-11. When non-human creatures start inhabiting their rooms, it is time to clean them!
9. My children will get that it’s not cool to text me the minute I pull out of the driveway unless it’s an emergency because I do not like pulling over to read texts that say things like, “Mom, when are you going to be home?”, “Mom, Brooklyn’s singing an annoying baby shark song”, or “Mom, I have to go to the bathroom.”
10. My children will learn that making fun of my age or making old age jokes will only fuel my need to embarrass them in front of their friends. They will understand that after making such jokes, I will be completely justified in wearing a Mrs. Roper mumu while calling out, “I love you little Snookie Wookie Sweetie Pie. Now remember to use the bathroom if you start feeling gassy again so you don’t ruin your underwear like last time” in front of all their friends at the bus stop.
11. My children will understand that ignoring me when I tell them to go to bed does not mean they do not have to go to bed. It only means that I will turn into a raving lunatic who will soon need a
bottle glass of wine.
12. My children will grasp that when I turn into a raving lunatic who requires wine, they should probably not continue to stay awake, talking, laughing, and goofing off or there’s a good chance I will sell them to gypsies. Or carnies.
13. My children will comprehend that the word “poop” does not really need to be a part of every conversation.
14. My children will understand that plaid, polka dots, solids, pinks, purple, greens, oranges, blacks, wool stockings, flip flops, and a cowboy hat do not an outfit make.
15. My children will grasp that they cannot eat candy for dinner unless, of course, they’ve badgered me 2 dozen times and broken me down until I will do anything to get them to shut their mouths.
I have a feeling this is going to be a good, good year.
To read more from Dawn, check out her hilarious books Because I Said So (and other tales from a less-than-perfect parent) and You’ll Lose the Baby Weight (and other lies about pregnancy and childbirth) here!
If you liked this, here are some more favorites from Dawn.