The Best Of Us (So Far)

Allana and Sam. At our best.

Listen, who better to point out your great qualities than the person who knows them best?  = YOU.  That’s right.  You’ve had babies, they count on you for their survival, and yes, only you truly knows how super awesome you really are.

And sure, every once and a while you find yourself in the bathroom looking into the mirror and asking, with tears possibly streaming down your face,  “CAN I REALLY DO THIS?” but that’s what makes you so amazing:  You’re HUMBLE too!  Because you really can do this.  You’re doing it:  HURRAY FOR YOU!

So who better to pick our favourite written moments (that we wrote) from the past year (click slideshow below) than, well, us.  And let’s be honest, no one else is going to do it, so why not?

xo Sam and Allana

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  • All Mothers Are Liars 1 of 11
    All Mothers Are Liars
    "…with the gift of bearing children, there comes a deep desire to share the motherly knowledge you have acquired along the way. And also, with ‘the gift of bearing children', you sometimes get ‘the gift of losing your filter': The ‘inner voice' that tells you to shut your face and leave that poor pregnant woman alone."
  • What Makes You Bad Ass 2 of 11
    What Makes You Bad Ass
    "You vacuum after midnight. The only upright activity you should ever consider being topless for. Which you routinely are."
  • Dirty Mother 2 3 of 11
    Dirty Mother 2
    "I know you have pie charts to look at and Successories posters to visualize, but do you think you could cut us a little slack over here while we try to ensure the survival of the human race. You came out of a vagina too, busy business man. And you were covered in goo. A CRACKER fell on you one time. Can you handle that?"
  • All Hail The Single Mother 4 of 11
    All Hail The Single Mother
    "I finally had to admit my soothing "travel technique" for the children was opening up boxes of dry goods and throwing food at them.  On a particularly bad trip I stopped for Jugo juices and just handed them to the kids, who are four and one.  No transferring the beverages into sippy cups, just full on trust in their motor skills.  Within 40 seconds they were both drenched in "Berry Binge". I didn't care, I just kept on driving."
  • Broccoli: How Much Is Too Much? 5 of 11
    Broccoli: How Much Is Too Much?
    "My children would not eat broccoli, nor any other green vegetable even if all they were required to eat was one microgram and it was delivered on the wings of a magical butterfly. They would not eat it if they were promised a pet unicorn that shat rainbow sprinkled chocolate droplets on command, and spoke leprechaun, and could teach them how to ride rainbows and could unlock the mysteries of the pyramids."
  • The Midnight Feed 6 of 11
    The Midnight Feed
    "Also, whoever told us to wake the baby up to feed her, I would like to invent a time machine, get into that time machine, travel back in time, and push you down face first into a snow bank."
  • Dear Daughter, 7 of 11
    Dear Daughter,
    "NEVER, ever, under any circumstance, allow someone to braid your hair into cornrows.  It has never for one second looked good on any single person of Caucasian decent, including men who have decided to combine said hairstyle, with a deep tan, and a facelift. It's called a ‘mid life crisis.' I'll explain later.  And even if you one day find yourself in the Tropics (sigh) and slightly tipsy on Pina Coladas (God help me) please, for all that is good in the world, do not let your friend convince you to have it done."
  • Newborns! Exclamation Marks!! 8 of 11
    Newborns! Exclamation Marks!!
    "It was our first baby. I don't know where we read this, (and in retrospect we probably didn't, because no one would have ever written this) but we thought babies had to be kept at exceptionally high temperatures. As in, if the temperature in your apartment dropped below, say, the temperature at the Equator, terrible things would happen. All those stores we passed through which sold such things as ‘baby sweaters' and ‘baby pants' were laughable to us. Why dress a baby in clothes when you can simply jack up your thermostat and cause rolling blackouts all up and down the Eastern Seaboard due to the giant power-suck originating from your boxy two bedroom in Chelsea?"
  • What To Expect When You Know Nothing 9 of 11
    What To Expect When You Know Nothing
    "I had sort of read "What To Expect When You're Expecting" and knew exactly how everything should happen because those publishers invented babies.  I remember the day my husband brought me home a copy where I gathered from the cover that getting pregnant meant I had to start wearing sweater sets and sitting in rocking chairs while emoting an expression that said: 'My life is over'.  The most recent edition has updated its look to feature an expectant mother in a cute outfit wearing a look that reads: 'That's right bitches, I'm still in my pre-pregnancy jeans.'"
  • You Will Be Diaper Free One Day (Maybe) 10 of 11
    You Will Be Diaper Free One Day (Maybe)
    "...refrain from saying things like "Pooing is the best thing ever!" and "Pooing rocks!" After a while you'll start to feel sad because that's what you used to say about your social life."
  • The Long Distance Food Confessional 11 of 11
    The Long Distance Food Confessional
    "But friends also have to be friends, and sometimes that means having the difficult conversations that no one wants to have. About nutrition. And modeling good behavior for our children. And the impropriety of eating balls for dinner."


Article Posted 5 years Ago

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