Last year, around this time, I posted a list of some of my favorite satire reviews on Amazon. To be honest, it was one of my favorite posts of the year to write, because I’m pretty sure sarcasm is one of my love languages. There’s something wonderful about finding a really stupid product and reading a really smart take-down of that product.
I don’t know who these people are who go around spreading snark on Amazon, but I love them. They are like the flash-mobbers of the internet. Anyway, I’ve run into quite a few new reviews since last year and figured it was time for a new list. Here are a few of my current favorites.
The Best Satire Reviews on Amazon 1 of 9
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Large Vinyl Gender Neutral Asian 2 of 9
"I bought this to tutor my children in advanced mathematics, but this is actually an inanimate doll and not an Asian child. Would not do business with again." [Amazon Review]
"I ordered this doll for my niece after a disastrous Christmas with the Gender Specific Asian Doll. Gender neutrality is so much better! Tiny latex genitalia are just traumatic, I don't care what anyone says." [Amazon Review]
"Though this item is touted as a 'LARGE Vinyl Gender Neutral Asian,' please note that it is only around the size of a BABY Asian. Very disappointed. Will probably stop buying large vinyl gender neutral products from Amazon." [Amazon Review]
Wayfarer Polarized Retro Sunglasses 3 of 9
"These glasses really trick people into thinking you're blind. I even started to believe it myself after while. The rods and cones in my eyes literally just gave up on trying to refract. Now I live in this strange half dimension under a local bridge near a sugar refinery. It's quite frightening indeed. These glasses are not for the faint of heart." [Amazon Review]
Urine Gone 4 of 9
"As my grandmother used to tell me, 'Accidents Happen.' Sometimes the accidents are in your pants. Luckily, this great product helps you stay "pee-pared" for those times when nature calls. Whether an accident happens at home, outdoors, in the passenger seat of your buddy Ed's Monte Carlo, or on a float at the Rotary Club's 4th of July parade, 'Urine Gone' is there to address the mess!
I couldn't believe how fast this worked when I sprayed it on my jeans for the first time. Just like that, the familiar urine smell was GONE and nobody at Aunt Esther's funeral was the wiser. Since then, I carry it with me wherever I go, even on 'hot dates' with women! (Ladies like a man who knows how to take care of business — and clean up afterwards!) You never know when you'll have to spray your day away. Especially after you've 'had a few' in the parking lot at Ray's E-Z Liquor Hut.
Now, I'll admit this isn't the perfect product. For example, it does not take care of pants-dampness or puddles in shoes. And sometimes it will leave a slight stain when you are wearing silk pants. It does not perform great on all pant styles. (I have not tried it yet on corduroy. So don't take my word on that one.)
Anyway, if you're looking for a solution to one of life's big problems, get this product and say 'Go ahead, make my spray!'" [Amazon Review]
Mizuno Women’s Wave Rider 16 Running Shoe 5 of 9
Note: These were the shoes Texas legislator Wendy Davis wore during her epic filibuster in June 2013:
"The next time you have to spend 13 hours on your feet without food, water or bathroom breaks, this is the shoe for you. Guaranteed to outrun patriarchy on race day." [Amazon Review]
"If you live in North Dakota, make sure you purchase these within the first six weeks of your running program, or you will be prohibited from purchasing them. It's for the safety of the shoes." [Amazon Review]
"I tried on a pair at the local mall, and suddenly Texas Republicans started telling me what to do with my genitals. They started explaining reproduction to me like I was a seventh grader. Unfortunately, being male, I had no way to shut the whole thing down. I'm so confused …" [Amazon Review]
The Mountain Unicorn Castle T-shirt 6 of 9
"I should probably preface this review by stating the obvious: This shirt is clearly meant for people who aren't serious about our one-horned magic friends. I mean, the shirt's fabric construction and lavender color base are terrific, and as a casual-Friday garment, hey, it's better than a stupid Polo shirt. But the devil, as they say, is in the details, so caveat emptor!
First, the grass pictured is quite clearly Italian Ryegrass, and as everyone knows, unicorns prefer to frolic in Dog's Tooth Grass. Second, notice the gray spots on the unicorn's rear flank; are they patterned to look like a fairy? I think not. Third, why is the tip of the unicorn's horn glowing like some defective reindeer's nose??? We all know the horn is pure gold, but if the illustrator was trying to convey this specific coloration, then the whole horn should shine, not just the tip! Fourth, while unicorns transcend space and time, they do NOT exist in a world where it's day AND night simultaneously! A beautiful rainbow AND pretty stars? I mean, who approved this? It's like the shirt's maker is just mocking me ... I'll bet he thinks taking Raggedy Ann to one's prom is lame too!!! Fine, shirt guy — just go ahead and pick me last in dodgeball and tell my parents how I cried in woodshop when the teacher told me to 'keep my wood to myself' and I didn't know he was talking about my erection which I couldn't help anyway because I thought about that one episode of The Partridge Family!!!
Anyway, on balance, the shirt's fine for kids and people of lesser unicorn expertise; don't expect too much and you'll be happy with your purchase, just like I was when I bought that ghost costume in Alabama last summer. People really freaked out when I wore that, and it wasn't even Halloween!" [Amazon Review]
Dove Men + Care Body and Face Bar 7 of 9
"I am fairly masculine and normally just use a homemade soap made from combining wood ash and animal lard, which is why I was skeptical of Dove's 'Men+Care' soap. From first use, I was pleasantly surprised. It does not have a 'flowery' or fragrant scent like Irish Spring or Lever, but smells very natural and subdued. The soap contains 'purifying micro grains,' which are little rough specks in the soap that exfoliate your skin and prevent it from drying out. The specks last the entire way through a bar of soap and are evenly distributed. I don't know if the soap made me cleaner, but I certainly felt like it did and will likely change over to it full time once my supply of deer fat runs out." [Amazon Review]
Mr. Strong 8 of 9
"What a triumph it is, this Nietzschean parable of the Superman. Mr Strong's very being brims with the Will To Power, for which his physical strength is not a delicate metaphor. He hammers a nail into walls with his finger, he ties a knot in an iron bar.
Furthermore, he manifests this sheer force and charisma often quite despite himself. He tears a door off its hinges totally by accident, and barely notices as a bus is written off in collision with him. The symbolism of both of these events is important. The incident with the door makes explicit that it is the world around Mr Strong that must change — not he — however violent this birth of the new. It is equally significant that Mr Strong's own inattentiveness to road safety causes the crash — he cannot help but exist above the social rules that govern the majority, beyond Good and Evil.
This is not to say that Mr Strong ever uses his innate superiority to do wrong — he is every bit as good an egg as those which form his principal diet. One feels he would be just as horrified as Nietzsche himself was by the anti-Semitism of Wagner.
Whatever the case, destiny calls the Superman. And with a fire in a field he yanks a barn from its foundations (a clever metaphor for the dramatic social change brought about by iconoclasts such as he). He fills it with water, empties it upon the chaotic inferno, dousing its flames with his might. Without so much as a second thought, he seizes his moment in history.
Thus sprach Zarathustra." [Amazon Review]
The Bible 9 of 9
"The Holy Bible tells the story of, well, everything. It begins with the creation of All That Is, and ends with Judgment Day (though it's pretty different from the one they showed in 'Terminator 2'). It's split into two parts, one old and one new. This makes it easier to get through, sort of like 'Lord of the Rings' or 'Harry Potter' books. There's all sorts of numbers to help you keep track of where you are, so you don't have to worry about a bookmark.
The main character in the story is God, who made Earth and stuff. He sets a bunch of rules that he wants people to follow. At first, all the Angels do what he tells `em, but one gets fed up and quits. He is punished to Hell (it's a real place, not a cuss word) and turns into Satan, which is a pretty cool part.
God next creates the first people, Adam & Eve (who have a catalog named after them now. Have you seen it? It's awesome). They live in a garden and are all happy and such until Eve screws up, and they get evicted. Same kinda thing happened to my brother and his girlfriend.
You also meet God's son Jesus, who comes from above and lives with human parents. He goes around helping people, which is cool. Come to think of it, whoever wrote the Bible should sue the guys who make that show "Smallville." It's a total rip. Whatever. Anyhow, Jesus tries to be a teacher and show the world how to be good, but then bad guys show up and pound on him. If you want, you can see that in Mel Gibson's last movie, but it's pretty brutal. I don't want to give away the ending, but in the book, Jesus comes back to life to save the day. He rocks.
There's tons of other great characters, like: Job (I'd love to know what his first name is), Noah, Lot, Lot's Wife, Zeus, Hermaphrodite, and the Four Horsemen of Calypso.
Overall, I'd say the Holy Bible is definitely worth reading. It's really long and has some slow parts, but I liked it a lot better than 'Ethan Frome.'
Cool trivia: the Holy Bible is the basis of Christianity, one of the world's most popular religions!" [Amazon Review]