It’s almost Halloween, and my kids are finally at the age where I feel like I can begin the process of horrifying them with all the spooky movies I was plopped in front of as a kid.I mean, their entire therapy sessions can’t just consist of me forgetting to pick them up places, amirite?
Except, they don’t show any of those old shows on TV anymore, hell, I wasn’t even able to locate The Great Pumpkin, and that’s like The Christmas Story of Halloween movies. It’s all Halloweentowns and watered down computer animated trick-or-treat specials.
The boogeyman on Backyardigans? Was a dancer just looking for friends to boogey with. MR. BOOGEDY IS ASHAMED OF YOU ALL.
Brittany: Well, this is a bust.
Shauna: You know what my parents made me watch as a kid? The Shining, Carrie, Children of the Corn, The Birds, The Omen, Psycho…
Brittany: Your life makes so much sense now.
But, then I started think about all the other crap my parents made us watch as kids, and realized it had nothing to do with Halloween, but was creepy anyways because it was the 80’s and we had crazy low entertainment standards.
Flight Of The Navigator 1 of 7How adorable was child abduction in the 80's? I am convinced this movie alone can be attributed to the spike in attachment parenting amongst my generation. Aliens can't take your kids if their strapped to you, duh.
Howard The Duck 2 of 7You know what, mom? Just because it has the word duck in the title, doesn't mean it's not creepy alien animal porn.
Return To Oz 3 of 7This movie gave me nightmares, let me count the ways: Pet chickens, robots, wheelers, a witch that takes her head off. Not to mention, any movie with Fairuza Balk in it is an immediate The Omen level red flag.
The Dark Crystal 4 of 7The scariest thing to happen to puppets besides Jeff Dunham. It starts out all warm and fuzzy, and then boom. They start eating each other.
The Neverending Story 5 of 7So what you are telling me is, if I read books, I'll find myself in some weird ass time warp where I ride around on giant cocker spaniels, horses die, bloody wolves live in caves, and about a million other scary things happen? Fuck books, dude.
The Peanut Butter Solution 6 of 7For the longest time, I thought this movie didn't actually exist, but was rather some jacked up nightmare I had concocted in my head. I searched and searched for some other poor schmuck that might have any idea what I am talking about. But this is a real thing. If you put peanut butter on your head, your hair will grow and grow until they eventually put you in a factory to harvest it to make paint brushes or something, I can't entirely remember, I'm afraid to watch it again.
Witches 7 of 7I watched this movie on the tail end of my childhood, and despite the plot being to basically kill all the children, the scariest part was when the witches peeled their human faces off to reveal their witch faces. As a rule, I'm against face peeling. This goes for you, too, Travolta.