Time Suck: Getting Children To Dress Themselves

This newborn baby was able to get her socks on. WHY CAN'T YOU?


Thus begins our semi-occasional series, TIME SUCK. A.k.a. things that take too long to do when you have children, because you are trying to get your children to do those things for themselves and they take FOREVER to do them and for the F@$K of S&*T WHY MUST THEY BE SO SLOW?

I’ll start: Getting A Six Year Old Girl To Dress Herself. 

Why does this take so long? Why is this so painful? We are missing out on so many good things because it took forty-five minutes to put on a single pom-pom sock.

Nothing works. Getting frustrated only adds to the delay, and there is no fun game up to the task of getting the child to dress herself. In fact, I refuse to make it fun. I make everything fun for God’s sake. I put smiley faces on pancakes. I put notes in lunchboxes, but this–getting dressed, is where I draw the line. I am a grown up woman and I won’t do it. I don’t go to work nude every day, I wear clothes and you have to as well!  Also there’s this: JUST. GET. DRESSED. WE. HAVE. TO. GO.

Years ago, people often asked me how I was able to write a book with a newborn baby and a two and a half year year old at home. I now know that the answer is:  because I didn’t have a six year old at the time. Now that I do, I know for sure that I don’t have time to write another book, because HA HA HO HO IT IS TO LAUGH. I’m WAY too busy cutting the soft, well-worn tags out of underpants and t-shirt s that my child has already been wearing for two years, without remarking on said tag in any way until today, when it absolutely, positively could not be worn for one more second until that tag was removed and banished forever. Thank you, I have enough on my hands what with all the picking raisins out of bran muffins and laundering The Only Pair Of Leggings That It Is Ever Possible To Wear On Earth. God help us if we are trying to get somewhere and they are too dirty to wear.

God Help Us All.

(Le pause.)

(Le breathe deeply.)

Children, Mommy loves you. Mommy loves you more than life itself. Let’s not argue about who’s putting on socks and why and how long do I have to wear the socks and why are they so blue, let’s just not. Let’s live our lives! Let’s smell the flowers! Let’s go outside and enjoy the warmth of the day confidently, with our socks on. Exploring our world in the comfort of socks.

Or let’s not.


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Check out other posts by  Sam and Allana:

In which Sam has shy children

In which Sam might scream if you invite her to your party

Sam still doesn’t know where to live

It’s OK, Allana has her own struggles with the potty


Article Posted 4 years Ago

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