We all know going to the gym is a great way to burn calories: all those squat thrusts, minutes logged on the treadmill and attempts to not look at naked people in the locker room.
But when you’re a parent, just being at home can be pretty darn taxing to your muscles and brains. Just how taxing you ask? Well, I asked some experts to tell me the actual calorie count of some typical mom calorie burning activities, and here’s what they said (I’m obviously kidding, I just make this stuff up. If you want to actually consult an expert that’s up to you, but I don’t have that kind of time!):
Chasing a two year-old around the house yelling, “What’s in your mouth? What’s in your mouth? Get over here and let me see what’s in your mouth!” — 100 calories. Add 1000 if you realize early on that the thing in their mouth came from the cabinet under your kitchen sink.
Attempting to battle a comforter into a duvet — 8000 calories. If you just did this every day, it would eliminate the need to go to the gym. But it would add the need to go to therapy.
Helping your husband find his wallet — 100 calories. Bonus 50 calories if he is late for work. If you are a woman, married to another woman I have to hope you don’t have this problem. I mean, shouldn’t that be a built-in bonus to the lesbian lifestyle?
Cleaning the couch — 1000 calories even if you have “microfiber” which was sold to you as, “So easy to clean you just wipe off the stain with a slightly damp paper towel!” 10,000 bonus calories if everyone in your house is recovering from stomach flu.
Blowing up balloons for a kid’s party — 500 calories. Add 50 calories every time your kid accidentally pops one while you’re blowing.
Getting your kids out of bed before 7 am. — I’m not exactly sure how many calories it burns because I’ve never been able to do it successfully.
Packing school lunches — 200 calories. Sure it’s not exactly physically taxing, but when your kid will not eat anything but bagels for lunch every day of their life and you are out. of. bagels. that is mentally taxing which also burns calories.
Playing “Lego Guys Emergency Vehicles Driving Around the Imaginex Batcave” for more than 10 minutes on the floor with a child — 300 calories — again (see above) not physically taxing but boredom burns calories.
Ridding your house of lice. — Cannot be counted. Let’s put it this way, you will probably lose 10 pounds before all is said and done.
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