I have been married eight years next week.
That’s not too shabby, really.
Especially when you consider that in all of that time I have only really been “officially” kicked out of the house for one stretch, and that was only for like ten days.
And eight-years-minus-ten-days still puts me in the “successful marriage” camp the last time I bothered to check out the definitions and all.
Still, I’m no expert. But then again, who is, right?
Imagine being married to that dude. “Honey, I want you to look me in my Texas eye and tell me … how friggin’ awesome am I, babycakes?”
No thanks. The truth is, those of us who are married are mostly shape-shifters, perpetually changing at warp speed, always two steps behind on a lot of important stuff, but usually out in front for a thing or two, as well.
Marriage is madness. Not in some kind of dysfunctional traumatic way, so to speak, but more in that it is a long and often grinding road that maintains that we keep on keeping on or just get the hell out of the way. Even marriages that have suffered somehow and are “on a break” are never really on a break. Once you hit the gas, say “I do,” and aim that thing toward the setting sun, there really is no pause button.
And that can make things tough sometimes. And “interesting” the rest of the time.
Anyways, not being an expert and all, I decided that right now, the best thing I could maybe offer other married people, or people who are fixing to get married, wouldn’t be a book or anything like that.
Instead, I’m just going to go ahead and write down my own list of stuff that I think you might want to know about marriage. Some of it you might already realize. Hell, some of it you might have invented on your own! But still, there’s bound to be a few things that come in handy.
So feel free to print this sucker out and stick her up there under a couple of cheap magnets, somewhere between the coupons and the report cars and the pictures of the kids doing their thing.
MARRIAGE BULLET POINTS>MARRIAGE BULLET POINTS>MARRIAGE BULLET POINTS MARRIAGE BULLETPOINTS> MARRIAGE BULLET POINTS>MARRIAGE BULLET POINTS
> You were in love once. That’s why you got married, dumbass. So you’re probably still in love. Remember that.
> You could have incredibly hot sex with other people if you really wanted to. But, that would ruin everything.
> When questioning your marriage, you should be questioning a lot of other things first.
> Money is more important than some things in a marriage and less important than others. You pick which ones.
> Kids change marriages. A lot. Can you handle that? Say yes, dumbass.
> No one else is married to you. It’s just him or her. That says A LOT.
> There is more true love in a grocery list than in all of the greeting cards ever written.
> Romance is nice. Patience is nicer.
> If you think you could have done better, you are a fool.
> Some marriages are perfect. Yours is not one of them. Deal with it.
> You are writing an incredible love story every time you bite your damn lip.
> There are two kinds of physical beauty, THEN and NOW.
> Marriage is way better if you take turns with the dishes, the trash, and the laundry.
> In the bedroom, just forget you’re even married.
> If one person snores and the other person doesn’t, the person who snores never gets that last little bit of wine.
> When you’re arguing with each other, you’re always half wrong. And that’s that.
> Those kids you made together? You couldn’t have done that without him/her.
> Long periods of confusion mean you’re not saying enough.
> Every time you open your mouth, it ends up in the book of your life.
> He’s so disappointing sometimes. So what? He loves you, stupid.
> She’s so disappointing sometimes. So what? She loves you, stupid.
> There are two minds in your marriage. And two hearts. And two souls. And four eyeballs.
> Little things are bigger than big things.
> Paris is a city in France. Paris In The Springtime is a mindset.
> No one cares more about your marriage more than you two.
> Remember that exact moment when you both just knew it was the real deal. Well, guess what? It’s still happening.
> Nothing is forever unless you want it to be. Isn’t that cool?
> There is magic in a messy house. There is no magic in an empty one.
> Love has many stages. All of them are very different.
> Different is quite good.
> The only mistake you’ll ever really make is wondering if you made a mistake.
> Every time you say “I love you,” a baby bird dreams of fat worms.
> When your marriage seems boring, it is you who are boring.
> Living with the person you love can suck sometimes. Put your grown-up pants on.
> People look at you two and they see a single thing. Your marriage is that big of a deal.
> Never forget to always remember. Always remember to never forget.
> At night, even in sleep, you’ve got each others back. Nice one.
> Someday, your kids will talk about you both and smile. Congratulations.
> You’re both poets and janitors and soothsayers and beat cops and emperors and politicians and wizards. No wonder you both get so tired sometimes.
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