Yield for Idiots: The 8 Most Annoying People You Meet While Driving

I completely understand why my car insurance nearly doubled when I moved to Florida. People drive like idiots down here. It’s probably why every other billboard and radio commercial is about accident injury lawyers. Before learning Old MacDonald or The Itsy Bitsy Spider, kids down here learn the 411-PAIN jingle.

I try to be calm and make allowances for the other drivers on the road. I remind myself regularly of the sage saying – What would Jesus do?  But, you know what? Jesus didn’t have to drive on I-4. If He did, there would surely be another chapter in the Bible with a colorful description of how Jesus went postal on the other drivers, much like the money changers in Matthew 21, but you know, with guns.

Because there are far too many people who should never have been given a license (you know who I’m talking about, Mr. Drives-30-mph-in-the-LEFT-LANE), I’ve decided to provide a public service announcement on driving rules. No need to thank me; it’s what I do.

  • Slow Drivers 1 of 8
    Slow Drivers
    The accelerator is the one on the right. (That's the one nearest the passenger for those of you who don't know your right from your left). It's rectangular in shape. The harder you press down on it, the faster your car moves. Try pressing it down enough to make your vehicle get up to the speed limit. I don't know if it's the tourists, the seniors, the slower pace down here, or just stupid people in general, but citizens of Florida need to speed up!
  • Failure to Signal 2 of 8
    Failure to Signal
    This is your turn signal. When you lift the handle up, it signals other drivers that you are turning right. When you press the handle down, it signals others that you are turning left. Although it's tempting to signal drivers that you're turning right even though you're in the left-turn lane, about to go left, please don't. And apparently, some of you don't feel the need to use your turn signal at all. If you fail to let other drivers know you're turning, keep in mind, there's a good chance you'll receive some signals of your own (namely an extended middle finger).
  • Random Braking 3 of 8
    Random Braking
    I have no idea why, but clearly some of you like to do what I call "random braking". You're just driving along, no one in front of you, no one pulling out near you, and suddenly you step on the brakes. Why do you do this? Are you looking for an address? Did you just pass a Chick-fil-A and get a hankering for a sandwich and then just as suddenly, change your mind about stopping? Do you have a genetic disorder that causes spasms in your leg? For the love of God, stop the random braking unless you want to end up with someone's hood ornament in your trunk. image: morguefile
  • People on Phones 4 of 8
    People on Phones
    Put the stinkin' phone down! Yes, you! The one veering off the road and into oncoming traffic. The one speeding up then slowing down and just basically driving like a blind monkey on crack. You can't be looking at your phone and the road at the same time. It's stupid and it's illegal and it's stupid. It's also stupid. And the rest of us don't want to share the road with someone as selfish and stupid as you.
  • Loud Music Players 5 of 8
    Loud Music Players
    It is not necessary to have your radio turned up so loud that others can hear the bass thumping from a mile away. Do you think it makes you look cool? It doesn't. And when you've blown out your eardrums from listening to that darn rock-n-roll rubbish, I will laugh at you when you go to be fitted for hearing aids. image: morguefile
  • Bad Mergers 6 of 8
    Bad Mergers
    Every now and then, a lane ends and you have to merge. Most of us put on our turn signals and look for an opening to move over. But there are always those few people who seem to think the world depends on their ability to get one car ahead. They won't hesitate to run you off the road in order to squeeze in one car ahead which is totally ridiculous because they're going to get behind the same "Where's the beef?" little old lady who can't see over the steering wheel or drive faster than 15 mph anyway. image: morguefile
  • Four Way Stops 7 of 8
    Four Way Stops
    The concept of a 4 way stop is simple, however it has come to my attention that 99% of drivers have no clue how this works. Okay, now listen up. This is how you handle a 4 way stop. 1. Stop behind the white line. 2. WAIT YOUR TURN! 3. Go slowly while keeping an eye out for the idiots who never learned how to share their blocks when they were 2 and still don't know how to share the road and wait their turn. image: thecrazyfilmgirl's flickr stream
  • Kiss and Drive 8 of 8
    Kiss and Drive
    This one irritates me so very much that I had to write a seperate blog post about it. You can read it here! . It comes complete with visual aids! image: morguefile

So what bugs you about drivers? Slow drivers? Drivers who like to play Pole Position? Drivers who go along with their turn signal blinking for miles?

To read more from Dawn, check out her hilarious books Because I Said So (and other tales from a less-than-perfect parent) and You’ll Lose the Baby Weight (and other lies about pregnancy and childbirth) here!

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