Keeping the Baby Name a Secret


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    YOUR DOG Are you really going to tell me that the name I’ve chosen for my unborn daughter is also the name of your dog? Or turtle? Or fish? What does that say about you? Or me? What do you expect you’ll gain from telling me, and what do you suppose I’ll gain from knowing it? Would this be the appropriate time for me to let you know that the nickname for the mole on my shin rhymes with your name?

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    YOUR GREAT AUNT I gave my firstborn an old-fashioned name, so it’s not unusual for people to tell me that their grandmother also had that name. My second daughter will likely have a traditional name, too. However, when you tell me that your spinster great aunt also had that name, what you’re really telling me is that the name is not so much retro cool as it is passé and reminiscent of a black and white TV set with rabbit ear antenna and an unhealthy fondness for cats.

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     THE BULLY IN SECOND GRADE I’m sorry you had a kid in your class who made an impression on you because of the boogers she used to pick from her nose and wipe under your desk, but I have higher expectations for my unborn daughter, and I would hope that you do, too. Do you honestly think it means my kid will do the same because she’ll have the same name? Isn’t it high time you move on from your playground memories (or nightmares) of yore? Untangle my baby from your issues, please.

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    NAME THIEVES It’s not that I think you’ll steal my unborn daughter’s name, but I’d rather my daughter isn’t one of many, many girls in her class with the same moniker. So if it’s all the same to you, I’ll keep her name to myself until she’s born lest I risk some other expectant mom hearing it and deciding it, too, fits her bundle of joy.

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    THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE It’s a girl! But you already knew that. As such, I’d like to keep some details of my pregnancy private and to myself until I decide it’s time to make an announcement to family and friends.

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    THE CRITICS You wouldn’t walk up to me and tell me you dislike my name, right? Well, just remember that the face behind the name you’re potentially insulting is also in front of you, only it’s masked behind a belly button and a placenta.

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    YOUR OPINION If you’re an active part my life, chances are I value your opinion. However if your opinion is that you know a better name than the one I’ve already chosen for my unborn baby, I’d prefer you keep it to yourself, particularly after I’ve already ordered the monogrammed hooded bath towel.

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    STORMS My daughter will be born during hurricane season. Unlike the girls named Katrina who were born in mid to late August 2005 and might have wished that their parents had taken a moment to check and see what letter in the alphabet the storm-naming people were on before making a final decision, only Mother Nature and I will know if I avoided any names because they became developed into tropical storms.

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    I MAY CHANGE MY MIND While I’ve known since before the pregnancy was a reality what I would name my daughter, I reserve the right to change my mind and not have to explain why. As such, it’ll be between my husband and me if the final answer was our first or our tenth choice.

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    THE CELEBRITY FACTOR I’ll take my chances after my daughter’s birth that you won’t say to me, “Did you know that’s also the name of [Insert the name of a Hollywood starlet]’s daughter?” Because while I might read Perez Hilton daily, it doesn’t mean I’m pathetic enough to name my child based on a stranger’s opening weekend box office tally. I actually think you’ll see how perfect my daughter is for her name and then realize that anyone who had the same name before her was just waiting for her to be born so they could imitate her after the fact.

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Article Posted 6 years Ago

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