Dear New Moms,
As a three time mom, I have found that I needed less gear for every subsequent baby. Though they’re all equally exciting to unwrap at a baby shower, some of these products seem to have been invented primarily as a way to waste some cash. So check out this list, and choose a better way to throw out your money like, say, using it in 18 years to pay a small fortune for college tuition.
1. Baby wipe warmer
It’s not like the alternate to a warm wipe is a block of concrete or a bouquet of poison ivy. It’s a room temperature wipe. If your baby can’t hack a room temperature wipe, put a pea under the crib mattress to see if he’s actually royalty.
2. Baby shoes for a non walking baby
I have a cheaper alternative – they’re called “socks.” Here’s a good way to decide between the two: Put your baby’s feet on the floor and let baby go. Does your baby fall over? Yippee, socks are fine.
3. Vitamin D drops
Don’t call Child Protective Services, but my third baby was breastfed and wouldn’t swallow these, and he is still around to tell the tale.
4. Baby Einstein videos
Here is a clever alternative: TV. Even more clever: TV you actually want to watch. Baby isn’t a baby forever, and before you know it, you won’t be able to watch HGTV without her screaming for SuperWhy instead. Take advantage of this brief era where any lit up screen hypnotizes baby equally.
5. Bumpers for table corners
Don’t waste your time or money on these. I have three kids who lived without them, and all six eyes are in their heads, I’m happy to report.
6. Toys that sing
If you are in the mood to hear singing, sing to the baby. If you’re not in the mood to hear singing, believe me when I tell you that you won’t want to hear Elmo sing about how much he loves you.
7. Training pants
As much as I hate to say this, the approximately 3 million training pants I purchased were a waste. They are diapers. That’s all. Diapers with princesses on them. Sorry to be a buzzkill, but I can stay silent no longer.
8. Bottle warmer
Here’s a little known way to warm a bottle: put it in a pot and heat the water. Bam, bottle warmer. You’re retro, like Laura Ingalls Wilder.
9. Baby monitor that allows you to talk back to the baby without going into the room
HA HA HA HA HA HA. Sorry. Let’s just say you have a better shot at winning the Powerball than tricking your baby into going back to sleep this way.
10. Handprint kits for newborn
Yeah right, you’re not getting that little hand to open up out of a fist. Footprint is hard enough. With handprints, you’re just getting arrogant, and karma will get you in the form of an exploded diaper just when you almost got the baby’s hand to unclench.
So, if you find yourself being drawn into purchasing any of the above items, send a check directly to me instead. I’ll use it to buy some Elsa and Anna dolls for my toddlers that they’ll break the heads off within five minutes.More On