15 Things My Baby REALLY Wants for His Birthday

15 Birthday Gifts My One-Year-Old REALLY Wants
Image Source: Lauren Hartmann

My first child was always a lover of toys. I remember when she was about to turn one, I spent my days pouring over gift guides I found online and pinning all the lovely things I wanted to get for her. Beautiful wooden block sets and handmade dolls and the like were well-received and treated with as much love and care as a one-year-old could possibly muster.

But my second child? Well, he’s an entirely different story.

The other day while I was perusing Pinterest, I came upon a one-year-old gift guide and couldn’t help but chuckle as I thought about the lovely and delicate items in contrast with my little brute of a second child. The thought of him enjoying some of these fragile items was quite laughable.

So, if you have a one-year-old who is anything like mine, perhaps you will find some off-the-beaten-path gift inspiration right here.

1. Dust bunnies

Some kids want candy and cake, but my tyke? Well, he’s a connoisseur of the finer things in life and apparently nothing is quite as delicious as those dog-hair dust bunnies he finds floating around the house.

2. Bubble wrap

This stuff isn’t a toy for kids, and it makes loud noises? Sign him up!

3. ALL the chargers

The bewitching properties of electronic chargers are my baby’s favorite. He gives slight preference to iPhone chargers, because there’s something about the shiny, white plastic just tastes a bit better, but he’s not terribly picky. Any wall charger will do.

4. TV remote controllers

TV remote controllers are an almost-one-year-old toy-hating baby’s dream come true. Bonus points if it’s a remote control you really need that very moment.

5. Empty boxes

Boxes are a fan favorite around here. They can be climbed on, climbed in, and even eaten. Yes — eaten.

6. Basically anything “chokeable”

My child has so many wonderful toys — lovely, educational gems that are baby-safe. But what does he want most? Anything chokeable. And he does not discriminate. He loves all chokeable toys with equal vigor, although his favorites include: loose change, errant earrings, rubber bouncy balls, and those freaking tiny Frozen figurines.

7. Anything that belongs to his big sister

If it was my daughter’s toy first — particularly something she had taken the time to set up, like dollhouse furniture or a puzzle — then my baby will want it. Objects are far more intriguing when someone else was playing with them first.

8. Toilet caps

You’re probably thinking, “What’s a toilet cap?” Well, they’re those little plastic caps that can be found at the base of your toilet and they are the most disgustingly delectable thing on the planet in the mind of my baby. If ever a bathroom door is mistakenly left ajar, you can be certain he will be bolting in there in search of those nasty little caps. It seriously makes me want to gag just thinking about it.

9. Outlet covers

He’s not really sure why he wants them, but since he lacks he fine motor skills to pry them from their outlets, their appeal has reached mythical proportions as something just beyond his grasp. My baby is relentless in his pursuit of these little plastic covers.

10. Books of the adult variety

We have an entire bookshelf dedicated to kid books, but my baby has no interest in books about babies playing peek-a-boo. He is far too sophisticated for stories revolving around poky puppies and ABCs. He goes straight for the meatier grown-up books and is particularly fond of my paperback self-help books on marriage and parenting. Paper pages from grown-up books taste the best … don’t waste his time with this board book nonsense.

11. Your water bill

On more than one occasion my boy has been found with an unpaid bill in his mouth, being ground up into an undecipherable paper paste. (Emphasis on the “unpaid” part of this gift.) Once you’ve paid the bill and no longer actually need to read it, it somehow loses its appeal. Go figure.

12. Your iPhone

No. He doesn’t know how to use it. But it has pretty lights and colors and it tastes expensive. My kid likes expensive-tasting things.

13. Food found on the floor

Preference will be given to items of food that are chokeable (see #6) — think grapes and esophagus-sized chunks of hot dog.

14. Sharp house plants

Please don’t even bother bringing my child plants of a safer variety, because he will not have it. Cacti and super sharp aloe plants are his jam.

15. Whatever you’re eating

Food just tastes better when it’s something someone else wanted to eat, ya know?

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