Later this month, Scrunchy Face will turn 1. We’re throwing him a party, of course, but I’ll be celebrating more than just my younger son’s first year on the planet; I plan to wean him not long after his birthday, and I’m pretty excited about it.
I think it’s great when moms breastfeed even longer than a year, but I’ve decided that for little Mr. Bitey McChomperson, it’s about time to say bye-bye to the boobie. I won’t be running around, clutching my chest, and yelling “They belong to ME again!” at my son’s party … but I do have some ideas on how to have some fun with life after breastfeeding.
1. Wear … Whatever
For nearly a year now, I’ve barely gone anywhere without first making sure that my outfit was convenient enough for nursing. I avoided multiple layers, dresses without stretchy necklines, and any outfit that couldn’t accommodate a nursing bra. Now, bring on the tube tops! Sure it’s almost the dead of winter but darn it, I’m not going to let a little frostbite ruin my good time!
2. Make Breast Pump Art
Bet you thought breast shields, valves, membranes, and all the other whats-a-ma-doodles that are attached to breast pumps serve one purpose? Wrong! They can be used to make nursery-school level art projects, too! Though I’m not sure I’d actually want Saucer Eyes’ preschool teacher to try this one in class. “Now children, make sure to glue the breast shields on to the construction paper with the cones facing down … Why yes, Bobby, you COULD pretend the glue is dried-up breast milk. Gold star for you!”
3. Do Push-Ups
For some strange reason, I’ve always liked doing push-ups. But once I had the equivalent of two water balloons attached to my chest, it became a far less enjoyable activity. Now I’m getting psyched to drop down and do 20 … or 10 … or 5 … of the modified kind where I lean on my knees and go really slowly. That’s right — I’m ready to feel the burn!
4. No Longer Wear a Bra While Sleeping
There are exactly two groups of women who wear bras to bed: 1. Nursing moms, and 2. Hollywood actresses who say “yes” to sex scenes but “no” to nudity. Can you guess which camp I’m in? (Hint: I’m not in any movies. At least none that I know about.)
5. Find New and Creative Uses for Nursing Pads
Potholders? Pancake toys for baby? Yarmulkes for poodles? The possibilities are endless …
6. Indulge in Caffeine
I’m not really a big coffee drinker — it makes me awfully jittery and hyper. But now that I don’t have to worry about accidentally producing lattes for the little one, I’m going to indulge in a few cups here and there just for the heck of it. So if you see a woman sprinting down a New Jersey highway with a mug in her hand, don’t be afraid to honk your horn and say, “Hi!”
7. Eat Processed Meats
I’ve avoided cured and processed meats while nursing, save for the occasional pastrami sandwich. Though some reports suggest that the once-feared nitrites in processed meats are actually pretty safe, these meats still aren’t healthy for other reasons, so I’ve been avoiding them on the off chance that their bad stuff is getting into my breast milk. Once I quit nursing, however, I’ll be hot-dogging it to my heart’s delight … for about a week or so. Then I’ll stop again because, hello meat sweats! No, thank you.
8. Drink a Box of Wines
I’m not talking about boxed wine. I’m talking about a BOX OF WINES. I rarely drink alcohol in the first place, but after abstaining for more than a year (pregnancy then nursing), I think I’ve well earned the box. I’ll just pace myself — one glass a night for the next … four months. Uh, anyone got some cheese?
9. Let Go of Inflation Worries
With the Federal Reserve likely to continue its monthly bond buying program, we can rest assured that any alarming increases in inflation will not be a concern in the coming fiscal quarters … just kidding! Let’s talk about my boobs. My real inflation problem has been seeing my chest inflate nearly out of my dress when I dare to go out and skip a breastfeeding session. But no more nursing means no more giant, inflated mammaries — huzzah! If only weaning the U.S. economy off asset purchases was as easy. Jealous much, Ben Bernanke?