Every day women are unknowingly giving birth to narcissistic dictators. These newborn tyrants quickly achieve their rise to power by displaying an irresistible cuteness matched with a convincing helplessness that hypnotizes us into believing we are actually the ones in control. The cold reality is this: We’ve been deceived by someone with pathetic neck control who frequently poops their pants.
Here are five clues your newborn is asserting their dominance over you:
They’re dressed in new, fashionable clothes. You’re dressed like a hobo.
Is your baby dressed in the most adorable outfit the world has ever seen? Do they smell like an angel kissed them with rose petal lips? Are you in a ratty robe? Do you smell like sour milk?
You answered yes to all of the above, didn’t you. Coincidence? I think not.
Babies have more hair bows and hats than we’ve owned in our entire lives. Question: Why would someone who can’t walk need more shoes than Carrie Bradshaw or Kanye West? Answer: They don’t. Conspiracy? You tell me.
Meanwhile, we’re out in public schlepping about in slippers and our yoga pants with a hole in the crotch, toting around our baby, who is wearing stylish jeans and Uggs. Wake up America!
They beckon you to provide their meal at 3 AM and you come running.
I dare you to wake up in the middle of the night to demand you be fed. There’s a good chance I will call the cops to have you hauled away for all the crack you must be smoking.
Only two types of people can get away with that kind of behavior. Crazy, power hungry kings – and babies. See where I’m going with this?
We could be so dreadfully sleep-deprived, but a baby’s shrieking demands to be fed will have us up and running like someone pulled the fire alarm.
To add insult to injury, they may eat until they’re satisfied, and then decide they want to stay awake for awhile, cooing and being all precious in your droopy, numb, sleepy face. They’re like Henry the VIII, except instead of fear, they use their irresistible baby cuteness. We’re doomed.
They sleep for 20 hours a day. You’re only sleeping for 2.
Sleep deprivation is Dominance Assertion 101. The real question is: who’s training them to us hurt us where it counts? The Russians? The Illuminati?
Whoever they are, they’re obviously planting spies to say things like, “sleep when the baby sleeps” to make it seem like it’s our fault we’re tired. Sleep when the baby sleeps? Just ignore the piles of poop-stained laundry? Let the other kids fend for themselves? Stop living any sort of life whatsoever? Not likely. They know that when they start to drift off to sleep, we’re up to clean up, shower, shove a few tortilla chips in our face and take care of any other pressing tasks – like putting on clean underwear. By the time we finally crash at night, they sense it and start to stir. Why? Because they sense weakness!
We’re being bamboozled by tiny humans that rip their pacifier out of their mouth with their crazy hands and then cry for you to put it back in. Take the wool off your eyes, sheeple!
They poop their pants, demand you change their soiled clothes, then poop on you mid wipe – lest you forget your position.
If you want to really put someone in their place, take a page from a newborn playbook. Nothing says “I own you. Deal with it,” like pooping on someone.
Sure, you can believe it’s normal for newborns to eat and poop on a 10 minute rotation, but I’m no fool. After changing their diaper and getting them ready for the day, they’ll look us right in the eyes and poop again, but this time with gusto until it goes all the way up their back and into their hair. Preferably while they’re in a car seat. Because we have to go somewhere important. And we’re late.
This isn’t an accident, it’s a power move. And we’ve been played.
When a newborn suspects you’re feeling confident and in control, they’ll bite your nipple to put you back in your place.
Never let a baby see you feeling good about yourself and your parenting. This isn’t about you – it’s about them – and there’s no quicker way to send that message loud and clear than to bite a nipple.
Their plan is simple. As they’re nursing, they’ll use our love against us as they break down our defenses, drugging us with the love potion Oxytocin to really lock us in. All of the sudden, cartoon hearts are floating from their bodies as we become calm and relaxed, falling madly and deeply in love. Once they sense we’re high on love like a couple hippies, they strike!
Babies may look tiny and fragile, but their gums are stronger than a metal vice. As they clamp down, their message is clear – I own your heart, now do my bidding.
Like dark wizards, they use their “cry spells” to cause all nursing mother’s boobs to leak through 3 layers of clothes at grocery stores.
It takes one crying baby in a public place to open the floodgates on all breastfeeding women. It’s like a Stephen King movie, but instead of blood flowing from unsuspecting victims, it’s breast milk.
This is perhaps their easiest plot of all. Like a wizard waving their wand, all they have to do is let out one cry to beckon all breastfeeding women. As women start leaking uncontrollably all over the grocery store, they find themselves helpless and looking for babies to feed – STAT. If she doesn’t have in pads, she’s really screwed as her shirt starts to look like mine when I’m bobbing for apples and my boobs get in the water.
If any of these clues sound familiar to you, I’m afraid your newborn has asserted their dominance over you and there’s nothing you can do about it. Our only defense is to kiss them aggressively until they become moderately annoyed. It won’t change anything, but if our newborns are going to call the shots, the least we can do is get some good, satisfying kisses out of the deal.
So go forth parents, back into the subservient wild – and godspeed.
Image courtesy of ThinkStockMore On