Dogs vs. InfantsJohn Cave Osborne
Each and every year we get a Christmas card from a childless couple that proudly features their two wiener dogs, usually sporting some type of wacky outfit . You know why those dogs are front and center on the Christmas cards? Because they’re like kids to that couple. Before I had kids, I definitely considered Briggs (my chocolate Lab) to be my child. But now that I’ve got like 14 of them, I no longer consider Briggs to be my child. A member of the family, to be certain, but not my child.
Still, I totally get why many view their pets as children. And, what’s more, it has recently occurred to me that dogs and infants really are a lot alike. Which begs the question: who has the advantage? Dogs or infants?
Oral Fixations 1 of 10Dog: Despicable package lapping with a tongue that doubles as some type of nutsack Zamboni. And just an FYI -- that picture does NOT do it justice -- he licks that thing like it owes him money. Infant: When not chewing on his toys, he often tries to fit his entire hand in his mouth. Advantage: Infant
Feeding 2 of 10Dog: Once per day, relegated to outdoor area so Caroline won't freak over the mess despite the fact there is none. Infant: Several times per day, relegated to highchair to minimize mess, over which Caroline never freaks despite the fact it's legendary. Advantage: Dog, but only because he helps clean up after the baby by eating whatever falls on the floor.
Waste Containment 3 of 10Dog: Bagging etiquette means that one half of one millimeter of plastic is all that separates you from your dog's robust effort. (Side note -- hard to look cool on a run when you're holding bag of dog sh!t, y'all. Though at least it keeps your hand warm on those cold-morning gallops.) Infant: Easy-to-roll-up diaper. I'll let y'all argue over whether those should be cloth or disposable. But there's no arguing over this: Advantage: Infant
Entertainment 4 of 10Dog: Despite the fact he's ten, our dog still derives great entertainment out of chasing (and occasionally chewing) his tail. Infant: Easily entertained by any number of toys.Advantage: Dog (Unlike many toys, our dog's tail doesn't make obnoxious, high-pitched noises.)
Vomit 5 of 10Dog: Occasional show-stopping efforts of astonishing repulsion, brought upon by eating human food. Or garbage. Or grass. Infant: Ever-present, drool-type substance, often shooting forcibly from mouth, brought upon by the Law of Inevitability. Advantage: Infant for two reasons: 1) it's never as gross as dog vomit and 2) who could be mad at a face like that?By the way, I'm totally sorry for that picture. Truly.
Baths 6 of 10Dog: Gets a bath every time my wife threatens to leave me because of "how gross your dog smells." But he hates baths (yet we can't keep him out of our pool?), so I have to tether him to the trailer hitch of my vehicle.Infant: Gets a bath every day, and it's truly a joy to give him one.Advantage: Infant. (And, honey, please leave me alone about Briggs. He's a dog. He smells. Get on with it.)
Method of Communication 7 of 10Dog: Barks at the door incessantly, which forces you to stop what you're doing and open it.Infant: Daytime: makes adorable cooing sound which forces you to stop what you're doing and love on him. Nighttime, makes piercing cry which forces you to stop what you're doing (sleeping) to see what's the matter.Advantage: Dog. (Unless he's pulling that outdoor-barking sh!t at midnight, then it's a real thinker...)
Sleeping 8 of 10No. I don't have a picture handy of either one of their bedtime setups. So this pre-bedtime picture will have to suffice.Dog: Slumbers in that gross-ass bed that's super close to mine. Prone to sleep-farting.Infant: Sleeps in that adorable nursery, all snug and cozy in his crib. Prone to crying intermittently.Advantage: Tough one, but now that he's sleeping through the night, I'm going Infant.
Kissing 9 of 10Dog: Slobbery efforts conveyed via a tongue that's as big as a
nutsack Zambonifrying pan.Infant: Doesn't really kiss yet, but giggles every time you kiss him. Advantage: Infant. Sorry Briggs, but I actually DO know where that tongue has been. And I'm just not good with it.
Winner 10 of 10Infant! Anyone who knows me knows how much I love dogs. Especially my dog. That said, sorry, Briggs! As much as I love you? In the end it wasn't even close. (The sleep-farting may well have done you in.)
Read more of JCO Multiplied:
15 Things Every Stepparent Should Know
The 7 Deadly Sins of Fatherhood
8 Reasons Family Road Trips Kill Your Soul Dead
Raising Pretty Girls
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