First Post-Baby Swimsuit. (With Photos. Of Me. In Swimsuit) Gulp

Too bad these suits are no longer in style.

The horror.  The goddamned horror of trying on a swimming suit.  In WALMART, no less.  While your toddler whines and you have to resist the urge to grab handfuls of your mottled flesh and scream, “See this!  You did this to me!  You did!!!”

I resisted the urge.  But I thought it really hard.

Henry is nearly five-months-old so I figured it was time for me to get over my fat self and just go buy a swimming suit already.  It’s humid here in Pennsylvania and we discovered a very excellent outdoor pool just over the mountain in the next valley over.

Get over yourself, I thought.  Take your daughter swimming.

Now, there was a time when I would’ve visited all the fancy stores for just the right swimming costume.  Very cute platform wedges may have even played a role.  Not anymore.  Mama’s got skin to cover, yo. Those fancy stores don’t excel at covering skin.  Which, therein lies the dilemma:  a swimsuit is meant to reveal skin which is the very opposite of a post-baby mama’s goal of covering as much skin as possible.  Where is the middle ground?  It done got lost somewheres a long the way when your boobs began nestling onto rolls of doughy stomach flesh, yes?

Fancy no longer, I scanned the swimsuit racks the very next time we were food shopping at that grandest of marts.  I’ve always been a bikini gal.  I’ve been known to rock a bikini in my day but what to do now that the lingering presence of Hank the Tank has forced my body in directions it previously never traveled?

I knew one thing for certain:  there would be no bikini bottoms this time around.  But I didn’t want a giant one piece “MomSuit” with an enormous ruffled skirt meant to cover my ass but would only serve to make me look like my grandma – when she was my grandma, I mean, and not some young hottie rocking a 1940’s suit.

Ultimately here is what I settled on:






What say you? The arms are still reasonably toned and I’ve got my waist back.  And the boobs are okay.  May as well highlight that region and cover up the… ahem… the problem areas down below.  I haven’t been working on weight loss at all, really.  There has been a lot of beer drinking on the porch this summer.

My tips are this:  highlight the positives.  If your legs are still lean, but your middle is thick, wear a slimming one piece with a swimsuit cover-up.  If, like me, your top half has recovered first, but your booty leaves a little to be desired, rock the bikini top and wear a sarong or shorts on bottom.  Regardless, I highly suggest a swimsuit cover-up.  That’s the ticket there.  What about you?  What have been your post-baby swimming suit experiences?

Also.  Yes, that is my dog lying on the floor behind me in the first photo.  My ass may be battling gravity like a mofo, but it did not grow another head.

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Article Posted 5 years Ago

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