I Was a Failed Baby TweeterAlice Gomstyn
In case you haven’t heard, high falutin’ media types are giving their kids a very early start in social media: New York Magazine’s Daily Intelligencer reported this month that a handful of “media elites” — a couple of NBC News correspondents, an ESPN reporter, a CNBC reporter and a politics website editor — have created Twitter handles in their kids’ names and are sending out amusing Tweets on their behalf.
My first reaction was: “Darn, I could have been in that article!”
Back in ye olde 2010, shortly after the birth of my first son, I did in fact establish a Twitter account in my first born’s name. I was working as a web producer for a national TV news network at the time, so while “elite” would have been stretching it, I definitely fit in the “media” category.
Alas, I never did get a taste of Twitter-baby fame. I started off strong, with messages like “For my two-week birthday, Mommy & Daddy got me a Twitter account. Can’t wait to pee all over it,” and “Memo to ‘coochie coo’ grown-ups: Don’t get cocky, I’m smiling cuz I’m passing gas. Noxious odors from my bottom=more entertaining than you.”
And I found gold when my mother accidentally put Saucer Eyes’ monkey pants on the wrong way: “Reason not to let grandma babysit: She put my pants on backwards. Monkey face on my butt? Fine. But monkey face on my crotch? Unacceptable.”
But not long after that, I found myself running low on fresh material. I could make only so many poo and pee jokes, and my mom did quickly learn the right way to put on the baby’s pants…beyond that, what was left?
Maybe I would have found my groove eventually, but before I knew it, my maternity leave ended and I was back at work. Twitter took a backseat to my day job of web producing and my night job of keeping my kid from sucking on electrical outlets. I stopped tweeting and my account, with just two followers — both of them family members — was left to twist in the fickle winds of the Twitterverse.
I’m not the only one to abandon my baby-tweeting efforts. Darren Rovell, the ESPN reporter, has sent only three tweets on his daughter’s behalf. For him, it was more about having her Twitter handle “locked down,” along with other web assets — a website URL and a Gmail account — as an “intellectual capital investment” he told New York Magazine.
Sadly, I can’t claim the same foresight, at least for Twitter. I did get an email account for Saucer Eyes but the Twitter handle I created for him happens to include the word “baby” in it. I doubt he’ll want to use it when he’s older unless the word baby suddenly becomes slang for “handsome, talented and incredibly wealthy adult who loves his mother more than anyone else in the world.” #Unlikely.
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