Struggling with my Postpartum Body

I’ve tried to wait to write this post because everyone told me to be patient. I was told that I am in the 4th trimester and I shouldn’t worry about my body until that’s over because there are so many hormonal and structural changes that there’s no way to know what will happen. I have waited. My baby is 10.5 weeks old, I have 2 and a half weeks left in this 4th trimester and I am not seeing the changes I was promised.

I have done everything I was told. I’ve been eating right, though not dieting because I can tell that my supply takes a dive whenever I don’t eat enough. I’ve been exercising at least 30 minutes every single day, though admittedly not at the intensity I want because when I do, I break out in hives. And yet, nothing is changing.

No really. Nothing is changing.

I came home from the hospital 15 pounds lighter than when I was admitted and since then I have lost and gained 4 pounds for a net loss of zero. I weigh exactly the same thing I did when I came home from the hospital, which means I’m 19 pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight. I can wear exactly none of my pre-pregnancy pants and only some of my pre-pregnancy shirts (though that is partially because, whoa boobs). I eventually broke down and bought some new clothes because I had to get out of my maternity stuff and I’m 2 to 3 sizes bigger than my pre-pregnancy size.

This is all made much more complicated by the fact that I have a long history of eating disorders, so I don’t tolerate being bigger than I want to be very well. And in this case, not being able to fix it just makes things all the worse. I look in the mirror and I absolutely hate what I see. I try on clothes every few weeks and I just want to cry because I’m making no headway to getting back to my old body. I still can’t even wear my wedding rings, which makes me so incredibly sad.

I hate the way I look. I hate that I can’t wear my clothes. I hate how big and awkward I feel now. I want to be back to myself or at least feel like I’m on my way, because at this point, I’m not. I’m not getting there, I’m not on the road. I am stuck. I am stalled. I am not losing any weight, I’m not getting any smaller, despite doing what I’m supposed to be doing.

I have friends who had babies at the same time as me who are dropping weight like crazy. Those who got that blessed, breastfeeding = weight loss thing that I clearly did not get (because apparently nothing with breastfeeding is ever going to go right for us). And I am here, exactly the same as I was the day after my son was born.

I want to be patient and I have tried, for 10.5 weeks. But I’m at the end of my sanity with this. I don’t need to be at my pre-pregnancy weight or in my pre-pregnancy clothes right now, I just want a sign that some day in the relatively near future, that will be a possibility. I want a sign that this isn’t going to be my weight/size forever, because it is starting to feel that way and it’s really getting me down. I want to see positive changes for the work I’m putting in instead of stagnant sizes and numbers.

Have any of you gone through this? Was there a trick or a turning point for you?

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