When I was the mother of a newborn, I wanted every day to be Sleep in a Dimly Lit Room and Eat a Sandwich Every Three Hours Day. But no — the powers that be didn’t get my memo.
Sure, new babies are fun, until a holiday rolls around that requires we be in a bathing suit, bake something, look tired and swollen in 200 family photos, change out of our comfy clothes, or leave the house.
The following are holidays I believe moms of newborns should be able to take a pass on, or at least be able to request the holiday be altered to Sleep in a Dimly Lit Room and Eat a Sandwich Every Three Hours Day.
St. Patrick’s Day
Unless shamrock-shaped-chocolate-chip pancakes are being served (that you don’t have to make), this holiday can just go away.
Let’s be honest, St. Patrick’s Day is only fun if you can drink. Kids only like it because they can pinch people that aren’t wearing green. Which brings me to my next point: if anyone dares pinch us for not “being festive” and wearing green, I give us permission to kick and/or stink-eye them.
That’s a good day. New baby = tax break. (Tax day is a holiday, right?)
Cinco de Mayo
Again with the alcohol-laden festivities we can’t partake in.
Don’t go on any social media sites. Seeing our friends getting jolly on Mexican beer and margaritas while we’re going off of two hours of sleep and wiping poop out of our hair is just annoying. But save us some guacamole and tiny tacos.
The kick off to the wearing of the bikinis and eating of the hotdogs, hamburgers, and chips — so many chips. Why was food that is so deliciously bloat-inducing paired with a bathing suit holiday?
Not only is it so stinking hot this time of year but it also marks the end of school. If your newborn has a school-aged sibling, you know what that means.
National Donut Day
Oops — I meant to put this one on “The Best Holidays for a Mom with a Newborn” list. And it conveniently falls between the two bikini-wearing holidays.
The Fourth of July
Here we go again — didn’t we just have a bikini-clad holiday? I’m all for celebrating our liberty, but can we do it in the air conditioning with Netflix? There are patriotic shows on there, right?
So, there’s the bathing suit thing, and all the same addictively delicious food that was laid out Memorial Day, but now we have to deal with explosives going off in the sky when we’re begging baby to go to sleep.
This one could go either way. First off, it is a pure delight to dress a baby in whatever costume we fancy — so there’s that.
But then, there are the mountains of leftover candy — delicious in the moment, but horrid when it eventually messes with the hormones.
Party invitations to regretfully decline — “We have a newborn and no sitter. No, we can’t come to your 10pm-start-time-open-bar-costume extravaganza.”
And the big one, the costume decision — to be a leaky-boob milk maiden or Plaid PJ Lady.
But then again, you get to dress a newborn up like an animal or an Oompa Loompa.
Whether you like it or not, photos will be taken on this holiday to rule all holidays. Your mother-in-law’s camera waits not for showers, photogenic clothing, or brushing of the hair — cheese!
And there’s stuff, so much stuff. Some that you actually need, but mainly plastic-colored stuff that you have to find space for. But we get to eat pie and dress baby like an elf, so it evens out.
But fret not, my fellow newborn mamas, there will come a day when you can sip that green beer, be cut off from tax breaks, have your guacamole and sip your margarita too, rock your bikini while noshing on a cheeseburger, dress up like a sexy kitten and stay up past 10 PM, and have a child old enough to infuse that childlike magic into the Day-of-the-Stuff-Giving.
But for now, just hold out for Mother’s Day, when you can sleep in, eat pastries in bed, and sip on mockosas.